EMERIL. BAM! It sucks.
CROSSING JORDAN. I think my sister put it best. While watching the show she said, "This is total crap." The time: 10:01 p.m. When did the show start? 10 p.m.
RAISING DAD. I never thought anything would make me wish for the good ol' days when Bob Saget hosted AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.
ACCORDING TO JIM. Well, according to me, that show really sucks.
Yeah, I know there's some good stuff out there: THE TICK, 24, SCRUBS, UNDECLARED, ALIAS, THE BERNIE MAC SHOW. It's just so sad that out of 35 new shows only about six or seven of them are worth a damn. Oh, well. Let me break down the week for you. Now remember to check your local listings. I mean, come on, damn, I can't do everything for you:
MONDAY, October 1, 2001
This week on the syndicated front, BEASTMASTER starts its third season (if you care), while EARTH FINAL CONFLICT goes into its fifth and "final" year. At the top of the viewing list, however, is Tribune and Marvel Entertainment's "locked-in-legal-trouble-because-of-its-name" MUTANT X. With its concept starting with that of the X-MEN then making a sharp left turn, the series follows a group of genetically altered humans on the run from the government agency that created them. Sound familiar?
Trek Alert! TNN is airing AMERICA LOVES STAR TREK at 7 p.m.,
So, what are the chances that Fox will include clips of the fiasco known as WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE in its WORLD'S FUNNIEST WEDDING OUTTAKES? I'm guessing it's as slim as Calista Flockhart. So, assuming you don't give a crap about WORLD'S FUNNIEST WEDDING OUTTAKES or LOVE CRUISE, your best bet is ANGEL (WB, 9 p.m.). Tonight's episode delves into the physical side effects Cordelia is suffering due to her "gift."
TUESDAY, October 2, 2001
I probably don't even have to tell you this, but BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER kicks off its season premiere at that same Buffy time (8 p.m.), different Buffy channel (UPN). As you all know, Buffy sacrificed herself to save mankind and her sister in the season ender and we've had to wait all summer to see how she's going to come back. Well, the wait is over.
ROSWELL starts next week on UPN at 9 p.m., so now's a good time to check out SCRUBS on NBC at 9:30 p.m. With a nice cushy timeslot after FRASIER, SCRUBS stands out as one of the surefire hits of the season and it deserves it. The show, which focuses on fresh-faced medical interns, is completely hilarious. It's got a little bit of ALLY MCBEAL (back when it was still funny and watchable) in it with the voice-over narration and fantasy sequences. The cast features J.D. (Zach Braff, who could pass for the younger brother of Tom Cavanagh from ED), Turk (Donald Faison from CLUELESS) and Elliot Reed (Sarah Chalke, the replacement Becky on ROSANNE) as the interns learning the tricks of the trade. But, it's John C. McGinley as a been-there, done-that doctor who steals the show. If he's not picking up an Emmy next year, then there really is no justice in TV land. Although, I think we already knew that.
Also, if you want to check out some of director Peter Jackson's pre-LORD OF THE RINGS movies, then take a gander at THE FRIGHTNERS starring Michael J. Fox on STARZ at 8 p.m. It's not his best work (that would be HEAVENLY CREATURES), but it's still enjoyable.
WEDNESDAY, October 3, 2001
Let's hope the second episode of ENTERPRISE does as well as its first. (The show came in second place last week.) Tonight at 8 p.m., the crew starts feeling a little bored after going weeks without any kind of alien contact - that is until they find a ship filled with dead bodies.
SPECIAL UNIT 2 starts
Fox is giving us an extra helping of THE SIMPSONS tonight at 9 p.m. with a rerun of last year's TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XI, in which Springfield gets taken over by dolphins; Homer tries to earn a place in heaven; and scary fairy tales.
Speaking of horror, a special 30th anniversary edition of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD is airing on Cinemax at 8 p.m. They added new footage to this classic black and white flesh-eating saga and a brand new score which will make your flesh crawl in horror at the travesty they've created. Run, bolt your doors and DO NOT WATCH this at all costs. You've been warned.
I know this is going to sound all wrong, but I'm just going to say it anyway - tonight at 9 p.m. on NBC there's a very special episode of THE WEST WING. Now, when I say "very special episode" I don't mean that Josh discovers he has an eating disorder or anything. I mean that it was written by WEST WING creator Aaron Sorkin in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks. So, in turn, the season premiere which was originally scheduled for tonight has been bumped back a week to make room for this episode.
Oh, and as of this column's writing, WOLF LAKE hasn't been cancelled and will air at 10 p.m. on CBS.
THURSDAY, October 4, 2001
There's some little thing called SURVIVOR: COUNTDOWN TO AFRICA on CBS at 8 p.m. tonight. Apparently it's a big deal, but I'm not interested.
Now here's the good stuff: CSI is on at 9 p.m. on CBS. The gang investigates the case of the missing coed.
Rose McGowan, the world. The world, Rose McGowan. Now that you've been properly introduced, get ready to see Rose make her debut on the series premiere of CHARMED on the WB at 8 p.m. I think she can easily fill the shoes of ol' Shannen what's-her-face.
FRIDAY, October 5, 2001
TNN is airing STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION all day. No joke. It runs from 9 a.m. to 2 a.m. All I have to say is "Damn! That's a lot of TREK!"
If you can tear yourself away from the TREK marathon, you could check out DARK ANGEL on FOX at 8 p.m. Max helps some of the kiddy transgens escape from, ummm... those bad guys or something.
Wanna see something really scary? Yeah, well EMERIL is on Tuesdays. But you can watch Universal's 1954 classic CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON tonight on AMC at 9:30 p.m.
SATURDAY, October 6, 2001
On the syndication
Then if you want, you can stick around and watch the second season begin for GENE RODDENBERRY'S ANDROMEDA then by all means check it out. I mean, come on, it's got Kevin Sorbo.
Or, if you feel like learning, you can watch THE TRUE STORY OF THE BRIDGE OF RIVER KWAI. No, not the making of the movie; the real bridge, stupid. It's on the History Channel at 8 p.m. Or, you could just tune in to MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION on TBS at 8 p.m.
SUNDAY, October 7, 2001
No new episodes of FUTURAMA until December so you'll have to settle for a repeat at 9 p.m. on FOX. Hermes goes on vacation, and his replacement (Nora Dunn) falls for Fry.
International spy/grad student Sydney learns some surprising info about her pop's role in her boyfriend's death in ALIAS at 9 p.m. on ABC.
The Emmys are on CBS at 8 p.m. Due to the terrorist attacks, look for a more subdued awards show this year. No formal gowns, no big musical numbers. But they're still giving out the awards and it comes down to this: Do you support the mob (THE SOPRANOS) or... ummm... the mob (THE WEST WING).
Remote Patrol is our weekly Television column.