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13 Douchiest Movie Bullies
We Picked Those Who Picked On
By Joe Oesterle
June 10, 2010
They steal your lunch money and buy your silence in painful wedgies and humiliating swirlies. They’re big, they’re tough and they are mean. In real life, we often have to wait until our late 20s or early 30s to exact some measure of revenge, and that’s assuming their job sucks worse than ours. Luckily there are movies–like the new remake of The Karate Kid. In most cases it takes less than two hours to witness these browbeating antagonizers to get their comeuppance, So forget the humiliating purple nurples of your past, and take some satisfaction in knowing at least these intimidating ruffians have gotten what’s coming to them.
13. Johnny Lawrence
The Film: The Karate Kid (original 1984 version)
Johnny was bigger, stronger, most importantly to his Cobra Kai dojo sensei, the feared and respected John Kreese, much more unethical. Fortunately for Daniel-san, after suffering a couple of shiners from a gang of karate club douche bags, Mr. Miyagi took a shine to former Jersey boy and taught him the ways of the mystic Orient.
These mystic ways apparently included washing Miyagi’s car, sanding his floors and painting his fence.
In the end, all Daniel-san’s hard work paid off. Even though he was fighting on one leg, Johnny failed to sweep it effectively and received a crane kick to the chin for his nefarious efforts. Wax on, Daniel-san!
The Film: Teen Wolf
In the ‘80s, not even Sean Penn was able to get the better of Michael J. Fox, and in that flick (Casualties of War) Fox didn’t even have werewolf powers. Which leads us all to wonder how in the hell Mick McAllister thought he’d ever be able to break the Teen Wolf’s school spirit.
Even without an assist from his lycanthropic abilities, basketball’s original M.J. proves himself both the superior athlete as well as the better man. It’s left to our imagination if Boof was boffed in the back of the Wolfmobile, but smart money says yes.
11. Scut Farkus
The Film: A Christmas Story
Yeah, seriously–according to many sources, it’s not Scott, it’s Scut. This odd spelling of the bane of little Ralphie Parker’s existence makes this bully even more intimidating for some reason. Throw in his deadly accuracy with a snowball, his no-nonsense toadie, Grover Dill, and his yellow eyes, and Scut Farkus makes for one particularly dangerous nemesis.
Like all bullies (as we’ve been told) Ralphie realizes all he has to do is confront him face to face. We just wish Ralphie was able to keep his shit together after his mom eventually pulled him off of the neighborhood tough guy. Crying like a baby in mommy’s arms puts a bit of a tarnish on an otherwise remarkable underdog victory.
10. Biff Tannen
The Film: Back to the Future
Whether he’s a teenage werewolf high school basketball star or a time traveling rock-n-roll skate rat, you’re just asking for trouble by bullying Michael J. Fox. His character Marty McFly has enough troubles on his mind to have to deal with a genuine jerkwad like Biff.
Marty just wants to get back to the future to his loser dad his boozer mom and his squaresville teacher Huey Lewis before he ceases to exist. He’s even able to handle some of Biff’s oppressing ways… so long as Biff never calls him chicken. Oh Biff–in all of these generations, will you never learn?
9. Ace Merril
The Film: Stand by Me
Way before he was busting skulls as Jack Bauer, Kiefer Southerland was busting balls as Castlerock’s resident bully, Ace Merril. While Gordie, Chris, Vern and Teddy together were probably no match against Ace, Vern decided to pull out the great equalizer to turn the battle.
That’s right kids. If you are ever picked on by the older kids, just stand up to them–with a loaded gun.
8. Bobby Kent
The Film: Bully
Hey we’re not saying a guy who slams his co-workers head into a refrigerator in front of a couple of hot chicks isn’t a dick. And we’re certainly not suggesting that a guy who rapes a girl while watching gay porn doesn’t have issues and needs to be held accountable, but let’s do so legally, and let’s not get all amateurishly stabby with the guy.
Of course if he was convicted it doesn’t sound like he’d have much of a problem with all the gay raping that goes on in the joint.
We’re not saying Bobby didn’t have it coming, but we are saying you’re likely to get 40 years in the pokey for your efforts.
7. Melvin Moody
The Film: My Bodyguard
You have to give Moody credit for not giving up after his first taste of defeat like so many movie bullies before him. After Clifford’s reluctant friend/bodyguard, Ricky, saves the scrawny rich kid and bonds with the haunted high school outcast, Moody, the genuine prick, gets his own protector for hire–an adult street tough, who has no problem smashing heads or therapeutic motorcycles.
In the end though, all it takes is the encouragement from your new best friend–slash-accidental baby-brother killer for a suitable happily ever after.
6. Skateboard Bully
The Film: Bad Santa
This one’s a great lesson for all the kiddoes out there. In most cases a swift kick to the balls is really the most effective procedure when dealing with a bully. It never hurts to flip him the bird when he’s writhing on the floor either. And if you’re lucky, you will be able to call an alcoholic, adultering, thieving, suicidal mall Santa your father figure.
5. Brandan McCarthy
From: Welcome to the Dollhouse
Shy unattractive girls gets picked on too, as evidenced by Todd Solondz’ dark comedy, Welcome to the Doll House. Nothing goes right for awkward 7th grade Jersey girl Dawn Weiner. Her parents ignore her, her sister is a budding beauty queen, her locker is constantly cover in graffiti, she’s forced to perform private bathroom duties in front of prying eyes, the local rock god doesn’t know she exists and she’s been ordered to show up at an abandoned field so her classroom bully can have his way with her.
This film however does not care to wrap things up nice and tidy by the movie’s final credits. Sometimes the bullies win in the end.
4. Dean Wormer, Greg Marmalard and Doug Neidermeyer
From: Animal House
The combined sneaky shit might of that treacherous trio would be enough to dash the dreams of almost any underachieving college binge-drinking frat house reprobates, unless those reprobates are from Delta House.
Wormer can place them on double secret probation, Neidermeyer can make them shovel horse crap and Marmalard can organize his undergrad goons to stomp on our hero’s face, but just when all hope seems to be lost, Bluto’s rousing speech about the Americans defeating the Germans at Pearl Harbor turns the tide.
Fat drunk and stupid may not be any way to go through life, but it’s a fine five-year college plan.
3. Buddy Revell
From: 3 O’Clock High
This muscle bound continuation school reject can take out the start football player and the entire library with a single punch, so why does he have to resort to cheap tactics to finish off the much smaller and inexperienced Jerry Mitchell? For the simple sake of schoolyard irony, that’s why.
P.S. We expect Jerry passed Mrs. Farmer’s English class with flying colors.
2. Pretty Much Everyone
From: Weird Science
What do you do when you’ve been pantsed in front of your entire school, had Icee’s spilled on your head, and you live in constant fear of your military-trained older brother?
You create a super sexy, Einstein-intelligent, gourmet chef/wardrobe manager.
Now you’ll have to consider that she’ll eventually pull a gun on your parents, turn your brother into a reptile and destroy the family home, but don’t worry,remember she’s also magic.
We don’t care how much of a rednecked badass you are, you don’t mess with an affable if flawed bunch of high schoolers in an ‘80s comedy. Even 17-year-old racist Tim Cavanaugh learns it’s no fun to bully Kites–especially when the Kite in question is a trained boxer.
Porky and his fat middle-aged gang of rough and ready drunkards were less receptive to the lesson of not taking advantage of a group of horny teenagers, but they eventually come to grips with the message. Thanks to no small part that one of the guys has a brother on the force.
By the way, has anyone seen Mike Hunt?