Keifer Sutherland returns as Jack Bauer on 24
© 2002 Fox

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24 Great Hours

Greetings Cinescapers! Remember last week? I sure don't! Turns out that I have that MEMENTO disease, no not the memory loss one, the other one where after seeing the film I tell everybody it was nothing more than that backwards episode of SEINFELD. Apparently bouncers don't like know-it-alls and I've been beaten senseless seven times in the past three days. To that I saw, "Hey jerk bouncer, it is the backwards episode of SEINFELD. What you going to do about it big guy?! Punch me through your computer screen? I may have my jaw wired shut and spinal paralysis, but I showed you!"

Remember a few weeks ago we had a contest based on the show 24 where Jack Bauer found out his life was being created in advance - by the makers of a show called 24 - and he was forced to coerce a reluctant Woody Allen into taking over the third season of the show and making it his best day ever, hence in real life he would have a great day. Then the cheap plot device of uniformed quantum physics b.s. came into play and Jack was broken into a million versions of himself all with different ideas of what the ideal day would be - in effect glutting up Allen's office with 24 pitches and forcing his secretary to narrow it down to five.

Well, here are the five pitches Allen's secretary picked before quitting:

1. 
   
   "The best day for me, Jack Bauer, would have a competent government that doesn't need my help. In fact, the government would cede all power to me so I could force someone else to save it. And to top it all off, Kim will lock herself in a room and never get caught up in an unrealistic, totally ridiculous, life threatening plot." -James Rain


2. 
   
   "The following takes place on the eve of Christmas at 6 am and 24 hours: The Phone rings and for some reason the person is holding my daughter Kim, who has hated me during the two hardest days of my life, hostage. I get another call; Kim grabbed the nutcase's gun and failed, causing her death and ends the call with an apology. I go back to sleep thinking day four will be more eventful and the plot will focus more on me and the rest of the more well developed and far more useful characters." -Simon Peter


3. 
   
   "I'd wake up and go to the movie theatre I work at and hook up our digital projector. I would then host an all day marathon of Family Guy episodes, Monty Python episodes, Clerks episodes, and Sponge Bob episodes. Watching all of those on the biggest screen in South Dakota with all my friends, and pretty ladies on the side, could never be a bad thing." -Matt Bitz


4. 
   
   "First and foremost I would use the bathroom and get a bite to eat. They're two things that I have been prevented from doing in 24 hour periods on numerous occasions. Finally I would settle down and watch several episodes of Disney's Kim Possible." -Adam Kipp


5. 
   
   "In the first hour, Jack receives a tip that Kim isn't really his daughter, but the product of his late wife and her affair with her shrink. In the second hour, Jack picks up clues and investigates the matter, confirming what he's always known to be true in his soul: that Kim is indeed way too hot to be a blood relation. Next he heads back to his place, lights some candles, puts on some Barry White, and starts his gourmet macaroni and cheese. Then he invites her over and they do the nasty for the next 21 hours straight." -John McLawhorn

Now here's the deal,

Keifer Sutherland returns as Jack Bauer on 24

© 2002 Fox

This week we're still carrying such new listings such as SPIDER-MAN, DEAD LIKE ME and the superior British offering MI-5. I was going to add a few new shows this week but I'm not sure how many of you get the Hot Channel. Let me know at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.

MONDAY, JULY 28

LITTLE BILL (8 pm, NIK) Little Bill meets up with Captain Brainstorm, the inside of whose head is ravaged by thousands of dark thunderclouds. Prozac is shamelessly plugged throughout the episode.

DESIGNING WOMEN REUNION  (8 pm, LIFE) The cast of this younger-set GOLDEN GIRLS rip-off gathers to wax philosophically on how the show changed the face of television, destroyed notions of female sexuality, and generated several behind the scenes knife fights.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) When Horatio is brought in to examine the remains of a dead pregnant woman he says, "These are the remains of a dead pregnant woman." (Repeat)

WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY DAD (10 pm, NBC) Look buddy, I hate to put it this way, but you just have to get yourself a better looking pop.

TUESDAY, JULY 29

QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY  (8 pm, BRAVO) This week the boys come to my house and declare me hopeless. One even kicks over my trashcan on the

Woody Allen on the set of THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION

© 2001 DreamWorks

MI-5 (9 pm, A&E) This week the gang has to stop a man trying to start a race war. Next week they ignore a guy trying to start a penguin war.

SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) A tornado causes Clark's spaceship to come to life. Clark and his parents agree that that is the "stupidest on button ever." (Repeat)

LAST COMIC STANDING (9 pm, CBS) As Jerry Lewis continues to kill off the producers of the show, relive some of the greatest moments in the show's history. This week Carrot Top being axed in the groin is replayed in a continuous loop for the entire duration of the show. Network executives and television scholars are predicting the highest ratings in the history of television.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN), Entities get on board the Enterprise and start stealing the crewmembers' souls. Stopping only at the show itself which they deem as "soulless." (Repeat)

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Homer prays to God for great things to happen, FARSCAPE immediately returns to television on a major network getting exceptional ratings. Homer high fives the ceiling. (Repeat)

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) A storm buries Clark's father, resulting in the tasteless "well, you're not really my mother" scene. (Repeat)

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) When a relic that extinguishes the sun is found, the spirit of George Harrison appears to sing, "Here don't come the sun." 2) When two kids die in a fire, they become ghosts. Heaven is sued for violation of child labor laws. (Repeat)

THURSDAY, JULY 31

101 THINGS REMOVED FROM THE HUMAN BODY (8 pm, FOX) The only thing that hasn't been removed from the human body is the bad taste this show leaves.

REN & STIMPY / GARY THE RAT / STRIPPERELLA (10 pm, TNN) The shows get together and decide they'd have a better life on WE.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A well known gambler is found dead, don't think he bet on that. (Repeat)

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A man disappears after checking in for a flight; his wife says, "Is the luggage O.K.?" (Repeat)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Another deadly creature appears in town. Is there really any reason for anybody to still live in the area?

STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) A race for more than just money occurs, but nobody cares about the non-monetary aspect. 

SPIDER-MAN (10 pm, MTV) 1) Electro has got electric plans for Sally, hence the name. 2) Peter becomes an assassin's target, apparently cause the assassin has nothing better to do.

DEAD LIKE ME (10 pm, SHOW) George has new roommate woes. Who knew death could be so funny?

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2

TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) Cyborg quits the team after Robin calls his name "lamer than a

Tom Welling as Clark Kent in the SMALLVILLE season finale, "Tempest"

© 2002 The WB

DRAGNET (10 pm, ABC) A satanic ritual causes the death of a goth girl, leaving DVD copies of A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, DARK CITY, and THE CRAFT without an owner.

THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH (10 pm, MAX) Cinemax offers you the opportunity to be the only person who has sat through the whole thing! Do you dare?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (6 pm, TCM) David Lean's epic would be pure spectacle, with phoned-in star cameos and insufferable on the small screen if not for Peter O'Toole's intense performance as the title character. Like JAILHOUSE ROCK before it, it's the rare case where a star's charisma can wipe out any other of the film's flaws.

FUTURAMA (7 pm, FOX) Soap opera ribbing is the focus of this week's episode as the show's good ideas are outweighed by the lack of laughter.

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Homer loses his license and is forced to hoof it. Steve Buscemi guest stars as the man Homer shoots in the face during a ransom drop gone sour. (Rerun)

ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) Sydney wonders why all these strange men are coming up to her and saying, "Oh yeah baby, I'll stare all I want when I buy the DVD." (Repeat)

Alright, so that's that. This will be the second to last week that I plug the new Ween album QUEBEC coming out August 5^th (purchasable at http://stores.musictoday.com/quebec. If you've got an album you'd like plugged in this most inappropriate of locations, drop me an e-mail at TVWasteland@cinescape.com. Let's show the man that TV columns don't need to be about television after all.

That's right - we're breaking all the rules baby!

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.