Greetings Cinescapers! Well it's time to announce the big winner of our no-prize contest based on the hit TV show 24. If you recall a few weeks ago when we started this contest... well, there's no reason for us to go over it again. So without any further ado, the winner of the 24 Jack's best day as picked by Woody Allen contest is: John McLawhorn for the following:
"In the first hour, Jack receives a tip that Kim isn't really his daughter, but the product of his late wife and her affair with her shrink. In the second hour, Jack picks up clues and investigates the matter, confirming what he's always known to be true in his soul, that Kim is indeed way too hot to be a blood relation. Next he heads back to his place, lights some candles, puts on some Barry White, starts his gourmet macaroni and cheese. Then he invites her over and they do the nasty for the next 21 hours straight."
John, you can smile the smile of the creatively superior and stroll down the street with your head up high while knocking into other pedestrians with impunity.
This idea generated the best buzz from all our pseudo-Allens, whose reasoning was best summarized by this letter from Woody as interpreted by Mike Reyes:
"Even though I've never been featured in your magazine, it's still an honor and a privilege to be asked to determine the fate of Jack Bauer on the hit television show 24. I choose the final choice in which Jack and his 'daughter' make passionate love after he finds out she's not his blood related daughter. I don't know why, but maybe I think this is the best choice because I figure he was her father before they realized that they weren't related, and once they realized that they decided to stop denying their inner impulses and... um... well, I better cut it off there. Derschowitz, that bastard, might be reading my e-mails still. Damn you Mia! Damn you Alan! We're in love and you can't stop that! Sincerely yours, Woody Allen (actually Mike Reyes)"
On that note all I can say is I'm so damn hot I can't think of anything to write except that the television this week is so weak I've started listening to my old Vanilla Ice albums again.
What monotonous task have you taken up instead of watching TV this summer? Let me know at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.
MONDAY, AUGUST 4
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Patrick joins a boat club, children everywhere yawn and turn off the TV. (Repeat)
MILDRED PIERCE (8 pm, TCM) Think your daughter's ungrateful? Watch this film and realize just how lucky you are.
CHARADE (8 pm, AMC) Stanley "SINGIN' IN THE RAIN" Donen gives the Hitchcock style thriller a spin with excellent results. Having Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant as the romantic leads didn't hurt.
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) When a girl is murdered at a playground/diner, Horatio says, "Playground, why they should call this a slayground." Nobody laughs, one of the crew slaps Horatio. (Repeat)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 5
FOUL PLAY (8 pm, AMC) Colin Higgins, best known as the screenwriter of HAROLD AND MAUDE, directs Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn in this cute comedy about a plot to kill Kim (Elisha Cuthbert) is reunited with Megan (Skye McCole-Bartusiak) in the "1:00 P.M. - 2:00 P.M." episode of 24 © 2002 FOXthe Pope.
MI-5 (9 pm, A&E) When terrorists seize the Turkish embassy in London a mostly-sedentary TV critic seizes a Turkey wing and saunters back to the TV to watch.
BACK TO THE FUTURE (8 pm, Encore) Robert Zemeckis' best film, about young Marty McFly who goes back in time only to become the object of infatuation of his mother. Yikes!
LAST COMIC STANDING (8 pm, CBS) The winner is announced and it's a tie between Peter Falk and Alan Arkin. Both stars are stunned as they never killed anybody. Jerry Lewis takes a break from strangling the show's co-producer Jay Mohr to say, "Now there's two funny guys!"
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
THE 2003 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS (8 pm, FOX) Hosted by David Spade, a comedian no teen would choose.
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) The Klingons put Captain Archer on trial for forcing his female crew to wear uniforms so tight their skin can't breath. (Repeat)
SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) When a boy starts dating Lana and Chloe at the same time, Clark rats the guy out. Earning the reputation of super-snitch. (Repeat)
THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) A magician gives a trick to a rival, which itself is a trick. 2) A babysitter fears dolls are out to kill her. THE TWILIGHT ZONE fears ratings are out to kill it. Coincidence? (Repeat)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
WHITE HEAT (8 pm, TCM) A sensationalized take on the Oedipus complex features James Cagney as a mama's boy with a pro-murder mama.
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) DNA saves an inmate from execution. RNA becomes insanely jealous. (Repeat)
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) Jack looks for a woman nobody realized was missing. Not exactly an ego boost. (Repeat)
REN & STIMPY / GARY THE RAT / STRIPPERELLA (10 pm, TNN) A small child awakened by a thunderstorm rushes to his parents' bedroom. Through sobs the boy asks his father what "pray tell" is going on, is "perhaps the world coming to an end." "No," says the boy's dad, "it's simply God laughing at the REN & STIMPY ADULT PARTY CARTOON block on TNN." God then appears, smacks the man in the face and says, "Actually I'm laughing at a re-run of THE GOLDEN GIRLS."
FRIDAY, AUGUST 8
TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Michael Gross in TREMORS: THE SERIES © 2003 Sci-Fi ChannelBurt helps the government kill shriekers in another Arizona town, demonstrating that nobody gives a damn about Perfection these days.
STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) A viral weapon backfires on Stargate command, allowing one of the show's writers to brag about how the show "is more then just sci-fi, it shows the potential social ramifications of biological warfare when applied to a fictitious group of individuals."
SPIDER-MAN (10 pm, MTV) 1) When a killer can't kill the mayor he figures Peter is better than nobody. 2) Peter gets bitten by a genetically altered fly; becomes afraid he'll eat self.
DEAD LIKE ME (10 pm, SHOW) George gets kissed for the first time and her lover says, "Man, that's some fierce living corpse breath you've got there honey."
SATURDAY, AUGUST 9
OCTOPUS (7 pm, SCI-FI) Radiation causes an octopus to enlarge in size to the point where it's able to successfully attack a submarine. So add octopus to your list of things radiation causes to grow along with ants, iguanas, tarantulas, anything Bert I. Gordon can think of, and cancer.
THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (8 pm, WB) This remake of the old William Castle/Vincent Price film isn't half bad, it's three quarters bad.
DRAGNET (10 pm, ABC) Friday believes a businesswoman's suicide is related to her secret second job as an IRS agent. (Repeat)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
ANGELS IN THE INFIELD (7 pm, ABC) What is it with God granting special favors to baseball players?
FUTURAMA (7 pm, FOX) BACK TO THE FUTURE © Universal Home VideoFry's love for Leela results in a consultation with the Devil. The Devil charges a 750 dollar an hour consultation fee, in case you were interested. 
WITHOUT A TRACE (8 pm, CBS) When a boy goes missing his father goes looking for him. After checking the refrigerator and under the couch, his wife reminds him that he's looking for his son and not a set of keys. (Repeat)
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Santa's Little Helper becomes the Duff beer mascot. Homer's competitive nature has him become the Alpo canned dog meat mascot. (Repeat)
Well, as promised last week here's the very last plug for Ween's album QUEBEC being released on August 5th (purchasable at http://stores.musictoday.com/quebec) and as long as there's one plug, here's another: Cheap Trick's SPECIAL ONE is being hailed as the group's best album in quite some time. While we're at it, e-mail me at TVWasteland@cinescape.com about anything you'd like.
Now go spend your money.
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.
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