5 Most Incompetent Alien Invaders In Movie History - Mania.com



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5 Most Incompetent Alien Invaders In Movie History

These bungling extraterrestrials should have stayed home

By Martin McFriend     February 12, 2010


5 Most Incompetent Alien Invaders In Movie History
© Mania/Bob Trate

There have been nearly omnipotent earth-invading alien forces to grace the big screen over the years (The Day the Earth Stood Still), as well as some pretty conniving, insidious bastards (Invasion of the Body Snatchers).

But nothing is more pathetic in movies than an incompetent alien assault. In reality, if an extraterrestrial race is not only sophisticated enough to traverse the unfathomable depths of outer space but also motivated enough to do so just for the sake of invading earth, then it’s a 99.9 percent certainty that we are screwed. This article celebrates films about the other pitiful .01%.  

 

5. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

Who are they: Do you really have to ask?
 
What’s their mission?: To invade earth and devour its people. They are hungry killer klowns.
 
What can they do?: Melt you with steaming hot pies or eat you with tremendously realistic shadow puppets. And for those of you with coulrophobia (that’s the fear of clowns), they are downright terrifying creatures to look at.
 
Why are they incompetent?: All you have to do to kill them is pop their big red noses. When your single most distinctive and exposed feature doubles as an advertisement for how to destroy you, that’s a sign that you aren’t qualified to invade another planet. Then again, these guys can decapitate you with one punch.
 
 

4. Dreamcatcher (2003)

Who are they?: For lack of a better explanation… they’re shit weasels.  
 
What’s their mission?: To invade earth and devour its people, literally from the inside out.
 
What can they do?: Incubate in your stomach, dissolve your internal organs from the intestines downward and then come flying out your ass while you’re on the pot, only so they can turn around and eat you. We’re not making this up. But a man named Stephen King did.
 
Why are they incompetent?: Technically, they aren’t really incompetent. After all, they do a pretty good job of killing people. But really, if your intergalactic domination scheme is completely based around mimicking a terrible case of irritable bowel syndrome, doesn’t that by definition relegate your entire race to the proverbial outhouse of all alien species?  
 

 

3. The Forgotten (2004)

Who are they?: Some kind of curious alien race that exists unseen among us and performs a range of quack experiments on humans.
 
What’s their mission?: To invade earth and devour its people, but not before learning from us.
 
What can they do?: Make the roof of your house blow off and then suck you up into space in the blink of an eye. They can also apparently brainwash large groups of people into thinking that certain things never happened. They are the Donald Rumsfeld of aliens.
 
Why are they incompetent?: In an effort to convince parents that their kids never actually existed, the aliens abduct the kids and then re-wallpaper their bedrooms to cover up the teddy bear print. While that may work in 95 percent of American households, there are still some of us who would not be fooled by such Machiavellian trickery.
 

 

 

2. Independence Day (1996)

Who are they?: A vast armada of six-mile-long ships armed with guns that can blow up cities and carrying hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of tentacled humanoid beasties with telepathic powers and access to highly advanced weaponry.
 
What’s their mission?: To invade earth and devour its people, citing their only motivation as wanting to see humans die.
 
What can they do?: Actually, the better question is what can’t they do? They’re bigger, faster, stronger and smarter than us, can control our minds and they are impervious to all of our traditional weapons. Also, they have technology that is beyond our own comprehension…but
 
Why are they incompetent?: They can’t afford the most recent edition of Norton Antivirus. Ultimately, all it takes to defeat the “greatest threat mankind has ever faced” is some real annoying spyware. Also, despite their varied powers, these guys can’t take a single punch from the Fresh Prince.
 
 
 

1. Signs (2002)

Who are they?: Gangly humanoid looking aliens that like to run around your yard and on top of your roof while you sleep at night.
 
What’s their mission?: To invade earth and devour its natural resources (and its people, of course).
 
What can they do?: It’s not entirely clear how these green imbeciles managed to develop the technology to take them to galaxies outside their own, but the fact that they did offers a ray of hope for humanity’s own designs of interstellar exploration.
 
Why are they incompetent?: Let’s see, it probably has something to do with the fact that water is fatal to them but they still decided to invade a planet 70 percent covered in it while wearing no protective suit of any kind. Really guys, you traveled across the endless spans of the cosmos for this? Yeah. And also, they evidently cannot escape from a locked pantry.
 
 
 

 Also read: 10 Classic Horror Movies That Should Be Remade

Love Aliens? Then try: 4 True Stories of Alien Abduction



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COMMENTS AND RESPONSES

Showing items 1 - 10 of 28
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halfbloodprincess 2/12/2010 12:07:41 AM

 What about the Aliens from War Of The Worlds? They should of got a flu shot before coming to Earth.

death4sale 2/12/2010 1:09:26 AM

Well...to be honest, Norton Antivirus would've just screwed up their computers even more. It is the worst Antivirus software that money can buy. Norton products install so many additional processes that your computer becomes sluggish. If the Aliens installed Norton, Jeff Goldblum would've found another way to bypass their computers because they would be running really slow. I think the movie would've rocked if he sent them ads for porn and erectile dysfunction. And because he's Jeff Goldblum, he can do whatever the hell he wants.

tiberiuscan 2/12/2010 3:13:53 AM

How about the classic "Invasion of the Saucer Men"? They inject poison into their victims which turns out to be Alcohol and they can be killed by teenagers headlights. And Frank Gorshin too.

Darkknight2280 2/12/2010 5:38:21 AM

Hey frank gorshin is LEATHAL!!!! Dont you gor get that. I would have never wanted to meet that guy in a dark alley. lol

lusiphur 2/12/2010 6:11:40 AM

Nice list.  Should I even metion the fact that Jeff Goldblum hacked into an alien computer system and implanted a virus using an Apple laptop?  Inconceivable!

Darkknight2280 2/12/2010 6:15:34 AM

Hey frank gorshin is LEATHAL!!!! Dont you gor get that. I would have never wanted to meet that guy in a dark alley. lol

ddiaz28 2/12/2010 7:47:18 AM

How about the aliens from War of the Worlds?  They got beat by the common cold.  Pansies!

therockdltj 2/12/2010 8:10:58 AM

how about the martians from when mars attacks! all it took was some loud music to kill them

Laszerus 2/12/2010 8:31:23 AM

To be fair, it was some pretty horrible loud music...

kswizzle 2/12/2010 8:45:48 AM

i'll add the aliens from Space Jam to this

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