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5 X-Men Spinoffs They Need to Make
Marvel/Disney, listen to us on this, make these X-Men spinoffs
By Chad Derdowksi
September 28, 2009
5 X-Men Spinoffs They Need to Make
© Bob Trate
It’s inevitable: there will be another X-Men movie. Whether it’s a sequel to this summer’s Wolverine, the long promised Magneto origin film or that X-Men: First Class idea we’ve heard bandied about, there will be another one, and it’s more likely going to be sooner than later. We like to think that we know a bit about Marvel’s Merry Mutants and we think its high time Hollywood listened to us for a change. So we’re throwing our hat into the ring with our suggestions for the next installment of the X-Men franchise. And before you jump down our throats, we’ll pre-empt by saying that like the previous X-Films, we’re playing a bit loose with continuity here. So don’t get your polybags in a bunch when you see some tweaks to history in our pitches.
5. New Mutants
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. It’s a school, right? So why not follow the Twilight path to success and focus on a group of younger X-Men this time around? Following Xavier’s death in The Last Stand, Storm and Beast take over the school and begin to train the next generation of mutant heroes. Iceman, Shadowcat and Colossus are the “senior members” of the team with newcomers Angel, Cannonball and Wolfsbane rounding out the newbies. Naturally, the love triangle between Bobby, Rogue and Kitty will still be there, with the added twist of Kitty’s crush on Peter Rasputin, a.k.a. Colossus.
When former member of the Brotherhood Pyro begins to attend classes at Emma Frost’s prestigious Massachusetts Academy, a new threat to humankind emerges. And when Colossus’ long-lost sister Illyana shows up, the two factions war over whose side she’ll be on.
Following the battle at Alcatraz in X3, the United States government has not only passed the Mutant Registration Act, they’ve activated the Sentinels to help keep the peace and corral any would-be mutant troublemakers. As the remaining X-Men struggle to keep Xavier’s dream alive, an unexpected visitor shows up. He calls himself Cable and he claims to be from a bleak future in which mutants have been enslaved. Rather than follow Xavier’s dream of peaceful co-existence, he wants to take the fight to humans who would rather see him in chains.
This leads to something of a coup at the school, with half of the students leaning toward Cable’s more “hands-on approach” and the other half siding with Storm. And what happens when Magneto shows up? One thing’s for sure–if Cable is around, there’s gonna be lots of belts, pockets and HUGE shoulder pads.
3. The Champions
Hey, we didn’t ask for X-Men spinoffs that you want to see; these are our picks. And we’d love to see this LA-based Warren Worthington III-funded group on the big screen.
Angel uses his trust fund and Hollywood connections to form his own superhero team in the Golden State. It isn’t hard to convince Beast to leave the X-Men (after all the doom and gloom of X3, he’s up for a change of pace) and after unsuccessfully trying to lure both Kitty Pryde and Rogue into his own personal Danger Room, a dejected Iceman joins them as well. They hook up with Hercules, Black Widow and Ghost Rider and start whuppin’ ass Randy Newman-style. They LOVE LA!
Yeah, we know that in the comics, it was a later incarnation of The Defenders that featured Beast, Iceman and Angel on a team together, but we like the idea of Hank McCoy and Hercules doing bong hits in the basement, so we’re fudging history a bit. The plot: Who cares? Why would Ghost Rider and Black Widow be on a team with some mutants and a demigod hanging out in Los Angeles? Think of this as Beverly Hills Cop-meets-X-Men. Half of the team are fish out of water, but it’s those very differences that allow them to overcome the odds and outthink the bad guys. If only there was some way to have this movie take place in the ‘70s…
The nice thing about The Last Stand is that everything was so fouled up by the end of it, you can really take the story anywhere you want. Like Merry olde England, for example! The X-Men go BBC with tea and crumpets on the other side of the pond.
Leaving behind all the social commentary and metaphors for minority struggles, Kitty Pryde, Nightcrawler and Peter Rasputin go on a European vacation only to meet up with Captain Britain and embark on an alternate-reality spanning adventure that brings them into contact with Phoenix (Rachael Summers). Along the way, Kitty picks up a pet dragon and she and falls for Colossus while Nightcrawler is allowed to live out his dreams of being a swashbuckler. Maybe that way we’d get to see a version of Nightcrawler that somewhat resembled the one we see in the comic books!
1. Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends
Seriously, who do we have to kill to make this happen? With Disney buying Marvel and making no bones about the fact that they want all of Marvel’s film properties under one roof, maybe no one? At any rate, it’s high time this beloved ‘80s cartoon was brought to the big screen, and why wouldn’t you want to combine Marvel’s two biggest film franchises? It only makes sense.
Bobby (Iceman) Drake decides to leave Xavier’s and transfer to Empire State University for his master’s degree and promptly meets up with Angelica (Firestar) Jones, who just so happens to be his old rival Pyro’s kid sister. There’s some romantic tension between them which is exacerbated when they meet Peter Parker, who has recently broken up with his old flame Mary Jane Watson and naturally rebounds by going for the next available redhead. Little do the three of them know that they all have secret, costumed identities.
The three frequent a local arcade and when a freak accident turns ESU’s version of Billy Mitchell into the deranged Videoman, fans are treated to a team up the likes of which has never been seen before: a group of not just heroes, but friends. Amazing friends! When Aunt May’s dog, Ms. Lion, inadvertently reveals Spidey’s secret identity, the three decide to stick together and fight crime.
Next thing you know, they’re battling a swarm of bees that would give the Borg a run for their money, fighting a 50-foot-tall man made of pure flames and accepting donations from Tony Stark that allow them to outfit their dorm room with a super computer. Amazing friends, indeed!
Is anyone in Hollywood listening? We’ve given you five awesome ideas that would bring in tons of dough and allow you to keep the fires of the X-franchise burning, and we’ve done it out of the goodness of our hearts. We’re not asking for money or credit; we’re just asking for another good X-flick.