The Hobbit is poised for production. Del Toro, heed these words
By Mason Brown
November 19, 2009
The Lord of the Rings movies grossed almost $3 billion, so it's no surprise New Line wants to head to Middle Earth in quest for box office gold. Luckily for them, the LOTR prequel's already been written, and it's a beloved classic. In December 2011, The Hobbit will hit the theaters, followed by another hobbit movie in 2012.
There's only one problem... The Hobbit is a children's book. And as anyone who ever took a 6-year-old to see Return of the King can tell you, the Lord of the Rings movies are not kid-friendly. So what should be done? It's easy. Screw the kids! And follow these seven suggestions to make The Hobbit a great movie for adults:
7. Make It One Movie
Sure, the Lord of the Rings was three movies. But then again, it was three books! So it made sense to divvy it up. Simple rule... "one book, one movie." And in the case of the Silmarillion, "one book, no movie."
The initial plan was reportedly for The Hobbit to be one movie, and for the second movie to be a "bridge film" that took viewers from the end of the hobbit to the beginning of the Lord of the Rings. That actually sounded kind of cool. We could see events only hinted about, like Gollum's trip to Mordor and Aragorn's watch on the shire. And speaking of awesome tales that never got fully told... what about Gandalf teaming up with Saruman to drive out the Necromancer from his dark hold in Dol Goldur? All great stuff, perfect for a separate distinct second movie.
But that's not what they're doing.
Now the official word from director Guillermo Del Toro is that "the work is enormous and encompasses more than one film. That's why we are thinking of the TWO INSTALLMENTS as parts of a single NARRATIVE". Whatever. Capitalize your words however you want, Guillermo, but The Hobbit is one not-particularly-long book with no logical breaking point. To stretch it out into two movies is gonna suck.
6. Toughen Up the Elves
In the LOTR movies, the Elves kick ass. Legolas kills and kills again. Agent Smith runs Rivendell. Galadriel has a magic ring and she's not afraid to use it, and Haldir leads a troop of Elven archers into Helm's Deep... a place they never even went to in the book.
But in The Hobbit, the Elves are constantly singing gaily. Here's a sample from their first song.
O! What are you seeking?
And where are you making?
The faggots are reeking,
the bannocks are breaking!
the valley is jolly,
Stuff a sock into your Lembas-holes and pipe down! Even the Keebler elf has more dignity than to sing that crap all day.
But there is hope. By the end of the book, the wood Elves (under the command of Legolas' dad, King Thranduil) lead the charge in the Battle of the Five Armies, and their spearmen stain the rocks black with Goblin-blood. Those Elves mean business!
5. Toughen Up the Orcs
For some reason, the Orcs in The Hobbit are called Goblins. Lame.
"Orcs" are scary. "Goblins" are silly. And they sing stupid Goblin songs, which are only slightly less gay than their Elven counterparts. Although in their defense, Goblins have magnificent baritone voices. Or at least they did in the 1977 Rankin/Bass animated version of The Hobbit:
Sure, these Orcs aren't the awesome Uruk Hai Orcs that Saruman bred. And they're not even top-of-the-line fighting Orcs from mordor. These are undoubtedly the weaker, sun-hating Misty Mountain Orcs that menace the Fellowship of the ring in Moria. But they're still Orcs! Make them tough!
4. Toss Some Dwarves
We may need to break out some Mithril to protect ourselves after this suggestion, but honestly... do we need all 12 dwarves?
Snow White had seven dwarves and that was too many. The Hobbit features Dori, Nori, Dwalin, Balin, Oin, Gloin, Fili, Kili, Bofur, Bifur, Thorin, and Bombur. Anymore little people and I'd think I was watching The Wizard of Oz. Or that strange show on TLC. So why not get rid of a few?
Of course, you'd need to keep Thorin, son of Thror, son of Thrain. After all, he is the direct heir of the last king under the mountain. And he actually has a fully-formed character... he is a greedy, proud, stubborn, wonderful dwarf.
And Bombur is necessary for comic relief. He's fat, and therefore funny. He has to stay. And Gloin is Gimli's dad, so he has to be in the film too.
But the rest of the dwarves are pointless. Lose Dori and Nori. Or Balin and Dwalin. To try to realize just how many dwarves there are, take a look at how they are introduced in the Rankin/Bass animated feature:
3. Keep Leonard Nimoy Away From the Soundtrack!
Yes, Nimoy's version of "Bilbo Baggins" is the greatest music video in history (except perhaps for the DaVinyls "I Touch Myself"). But it's also exactly the wrong note for the new Hobbit movie.
This is exactly the light-hearted silliness that makes The Hobbit fun to read as a child, but hard to sit through in a feature-length film. Unless Nimoy plays Gandalf. No offense to Ian McKellen, but that would be awesome.
2. Trolls Should Not Turn to Stone In Sunlight
Small point, and yes, it gets explained in the appendix of the Lord of the Rings... but why do the trolls in The Hobbit turn to stone when the sun comes up, yet the trolls who go to war for Sauron fight fine at midday? Different breeds? Puh-lease. The real answer is that Tolkien wrote The Hobbit as a kids’ tale, but he needed tougher trolls for LOTR.
That being said, Gandalf's "different voices" trick during the encounter with the trolls is a great moment. But this scene should finish off differently. Preferably violently.
1. Make Smaug Scary!
It goes without saying, but "Smaug the Magnificent" needs to be magnificent. Here's how Smaug describes himself: "My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death!" Of course, Smaug neglects to mention the bare patch on his left breast, but overall his description is accurate.
Smaug doesn't just talk the talk, he walks the walk. He killed almost all of the original Dwarves living under the Lonely Mountain, and that was when he was young and weaker. He lays waste to most of a mountain-side searching for Bilbo. He totally trashes Esgaroth in a rage. And but for the valor of Bard, he probably would have ended up screwing up an entire front during the final war with Sauron in LOTR. Gandalf himself later said: "Think of what might have been. Dragon-fire and savage swords in Eriador!" One shudders at the prospect.
Let's face it... that's one tough dragon! He better be good!
Fortunately, this is one area that Guillermo Del Toro is on top of. He is on record saying that his favorite dragon is Vermithrax Pejorative from Dragonslayer. That's a good sign. He could have said "Falkor" from The Neverending Story.
Note to Del Toro: We all know what happens in 2012, and we want to see part two before we all die in a Mayan apocalypse. So hurry up and make both movies now!
MASON BROWN is a writer/actor/Tolkien-nerd living in Los Angeles. He was managing editor of the National Lampoon back when it only sort of sucked, and later wrote bubbles for "Blind Date." He has also story produced several reality shows, including "Daisy of Love", "For the Love of Ray J", and "I Love Money".
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