8 Worst Characters In X-MEN - Mania.com



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8 Worst Characters In X-MEN

Sometimes your mutant ability really is a just a curse

By Fernando Espino     July 17, 2009
Source: Mania


8 Worst X-MEN
© Mania

Let’s face it: we would all love to live in the X-Men universe. Whether we would use your superpowers to fight the Marauders or steal chili dogs from 7/11, we all dream of having them. But for everyone who gets telekinesis or invisibility, someone else is stuck with the short end of the DNA mutation stick. Some of these abilities suck. Others are quite powerful, but incredibly incompatible with modern life. The one absolute: you don’t want them.

 

Icarus: Redundant and emo.

8. Icarus

The Power: Angel-like wings, except somehow weaker than Archangel, because Archangel is much more important. Also, the ability to sing like a prepubescent child.

Why it Sucks: Having wings does sound pretty awesome at first, until you realize how utterly impractical they are in mainstream society. You can forget ever getting into a car, or a bus, or a plane. Of course you wouldn’t need to. You can fly. But if you wanted to go to Europe or something, we’re betting those wings would get tired very fast. Plus you’d need to tear some pretty massive holes through every single one of your shirts, and you wouldn’t be able to walk around without knocking stuff down everywhere you go. Of course, Archangel doesn’t have to worry about any of this, since his wings are special in some weird way (we don’t know, check the Wikipedia entry.)

On the Other Hand…: That voice could probably get you into the prestigious Vienna Boychoir, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into.

 

Dazzler - because disco will never go out of style!

7. Dazzler

The Power: The ability to turn… sound… into light. We think. It kind of gets complicated.

Why it Sucks: Sucks? We don’t even understand what it is! Sounds are always going off everywhere around you, so, what does that result in? Do you just constantly hemorrhage light out of your body like an open wound? Of light?

Well apparently Dazzler can control the light that leaves her body, and with that ability, has been able to do everything from lighting up a dark room to… lighting up a dark room really really bright. Hey, we can do that too. It’s called an iPhone. There’s even an app for it.

On the Other Hand…: You’d never have to worry about forgetting to bring a disco ball again. That is, if having disco balls were still anything less than a social felony.

 

 

Magma - A Michael Bay movie waiting to happen

6. Magma

The Power: Geothermal manipulation. Remember The Core? That.

Why it Sucks: Don’t get us wrong; Magma is a very powerful chick. With the ability to call forth molten energy from the center of the Earth, she can easily fight crime and protect the innocent.

Of course, not without massive amounts of collateral damage. Where Jean Grey can smash bad guys against walls or Cyclops can just blast them, Magma would need to turn The Bronx into a volcano just to stop some random mugger. Alternatively, she can summon forth her namesake magma from the ground, cause earthquakes, and control the movement of tectonic plates, all of which is impossible to keep in a contained environment. She would have to level entire cities to do… basically anything. Plus she could mess up, and there goes San Francisco.

On the Other Hand…: Why doesn’t she use her powers to stop earthquakes

 

Come on. Take the stairs every once in a while

5. Blob

The Power: Immovability (with the side effect of being horrendously obese)

Why it Sucks: Sure, it would be pretty good to be immovable. You could resist untold amounts of blunt force coming at you, and you’d never have to worry about getting dragged out by security again.

But then there’s the obesity. That’s Blob’s actual mutation. The immovability is nothing more than a side effect -- he is literally too heavy to be moved. He spent years training in combat and became a very skilled and agile fighter, but he didn’t lose a pound of weight. It’s basically impossible for him to ever be more than an obese freak. And yes, he can’t get shot, but that’s actually more of a burden than a curse. After he lost his powers Blob tried to commit suicide. There was literally too much fat for him to reach any major arteries to cut.

That is a very sad existence.

 

We couldn't find a picture of Cypher that isn't boring.

4. Cypher

The Power: Omni-linguism

Why it Sucks: Because it’s not even a real power. It’s a skill. It’s something that you major in college. And yes, it’d be pretty impossible for any one person to learn every language in the world, but how many languages do you really need to know before you’re set?

Scratch that, we now realize why Cypher exists. He’s a living, breathing plot device. He exists so that the X-Men can communicate with any mutants from remote Asian villages or any aliens that happen to be invading. His power even extends to computer languages, so if the team ever needs someone to “hack into the internet,” he’s there. Eventually the writers decided to make him a little more interesting by making him feel useless and giving him the related internal conflicts. Good. He pretty much is.

On the Other Hand…: You know Kobayashi and his dominance in those hot dog eating contests on TV? The prize money can’t be too bad…

 

Lots of loose skin that moves. Not too disgusting.

3. Skin

The Power: Six extra feet of skin, which he can bend, stretch, wrap, and extend.

Why it Sucks: When we think of mutations, this is the sort of thing that should come to mind. A mutation is nothing more than an incorrect copy of a DNA strand, and it’s way more likely that the bad DNA will translate into something horrifying and nonsensical like this than into psychic powers or levitation.

Skin’s extra skin could stretch out and entrap enemies. Basically, he could manipulate objects at a distance. Exactly what telekinesis can do, except without the freakish disfigurement. We’d much rather take that.

On the Other Hand…: You’d never have to worry about not being able to reach the remote again.

 

"Hey, ladies"

2. Toad

The Power: A really long tongue, and the ability to jump really far.

Why it Sucks: Sometimes it feels like comic writers are just creating gimmicks. In the 1960s someone decided that Magneto needed a sniveling, groveling servant, and what better way to make someone into a sniveling toad than by making them a literal toad?

Thus we had this guy, the hopping little henchman who was little more than a nuisance to the X-Men. Come to think of it, why did Magneto always insist on sending out this guy to do things that Magneto could have so incredibly easily done himself?

On the Other Hand…: We’ll leave it up to you to decide what to do with a long and agile tongue.

 

You're never alone with internal parasites

1. Maggot

The Power: Two semi-sentient slugs living in his stomach that can burst through and digest anything in his path.

Why it Sucks: Since when were intestinal parasites a power? As interesting a character as Maggot was, his power was very strange and essentially useless. Yes, the slugs could eat their way through any restraint, but a “poof” from Nightcrawler or a thought from Professor X could accomplish the same thing. Without, you know, bursting through your stomach.

Come to think of it, those worms were their own semi-sentient individuals, weren’t they? He didn’t really control them. So they just burst through whenever they got hungry. What’s to stop them from eating Kitty Pryde next time they’re hungry?

On the Other Hand…: You could eat your way out of whatever government research lab they stick you in when they discover that you’re a freak.

 


 

What do you think, Maniacs? Are there any worse character from the X-verse than these 8? Post your comments below...

COMMENTS AND RESPONSES

Showing items 1 - 10 of 17
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lister 7/17/2009 11:16:14 AM

When I came across them, I thought that Dazzler and Magma definitely do not deserver to be on this list.

But when I saw Doug Ramsey on here, I decided this article was pure trash. If you thought Doug was just a plot device, you missed the entire purpose of his character and his role on the team. Suffice to say, he's my favorite comic book character precisely because of his lack of power and his role on the team.

There are sooooo many useless X-men out there. And since when were Toad and Blob ever X-men? Is there an editor in the house? Boooooo.

SinisterPryde 7/17/2009 12:10:24 PM

What about Beak?  The dude looks like a scraggly baby bird.  I don't even seem to recall if he could fly or not.  I don't think he could.

mutantlexi 7/17/2009 12:14:34 PM

 I think the writer missed the point that mutations weren't always pretty or helpful (Morlocks anyone?). I still think Morrison did best with the idea during his run on New X-Men, even to the point of introducing a truely unique Mutant Culture.

NotAFan 7/17/2009 12:42:42 PM

I always thouhght the Blob was a cool villian! Doesn't deserve to be on the list! I think you replace him with PHAT! He had the power to get fat at will, completely useless!

messiahcomplex 7/17/2009 12:49:15 PM

dazzler should not be on this list. put stacy x on this list though.

tovuk 7/17/2009 3:01:17 PM

Uh u forgot Mulitple Man, sure the ability is good for some things like sex etc, but come on there are more worthie abilites.

LocoLobo73 7/17/2009 3:04:45 PM

Jeez, fan boy(which I am in that group) calm down, first off Cypher was a pretty  lame character, how do eplain this well until recently he Has Been Dead, and in the time which has been about 20 years give or take , the X men have been just fine. His big moment was getting shot by Hodge during the Fall Of The Mutants arc which today is still one of my favorite story lines of the X-men. I Really havent remembered their being a time when any of them even said hey remember that Ramsey kid , Jeez I wish he was here to help us translate this or that.  Dazzler Allison Blair , now her powers have developed over the years and she can now turn that light into lasers or what not, but still one of those team memebers that no one really cared about when she went to join up with Long Shot in the Mojo verse.  Why can I say that cause again they did nt bring her back unless it was in an annual or only for a short run. Yes she has been poping back up lately  since they have been doing the whole chic battle saga which has been drawn amazingly by the way and the story line isnt bad either.  However none the less she still is one of those X-men that your like was she even there. I do agree there should have been some other fellas on here that made the list before Maggot and Magma and Im not sure why Blob or Toad where on the list of X-men.  I would have thrown  Beak and his girl friend  skin absolutely should be on that list as well as Cherabum (sucky angel knock off), like we needed another Gunterier on the X-men to begin with. 

ponyboy76 7/17/2009 3:39:59 PM

Dazzler, and the Blob shouldn't be on the list. And there is no way in hell Muliple Man should be there either. Granted I thought he was annoying back in the day, but Jamie is one of the main reasons I read X-Factor. Pixie was a waste of space until they went to Limbo.

TheRedDeath666 7/17/2009 3:53:45 PM

FYI... Cypher was killed by the Ani-mator (really bad villian), Warlock was killed by Hodge.

Now you want to talk Useles....

Jubilee. her main talent was bein Wolvies sidekick. She was better on New Warriors (along with Beak) than with powers in X-men.

Phoenix. Don't get me wrong, I like Jean Grey... but makin her Phoenix, a potentially all powerful being, it's like who needs the rest of the team when she could do it herself. 

Professor X. Yes...I said the Prof. He has been, and always will be a complete ass. He is almost as bad a Magneto in his ethics, but he does it for his supposed good cause. He has manipulated almost every X-Man and lied to everyone. The team was better off in the late 80's without him.

 

 

lister 7/17/2009 3:54:05 PM

Sorry, but there is zero correlation between whether a character stays dead and whether that character is "lame" or not. (besides, they did bring Doug back in a way)

Let's be thankful they haven't brought him back from the dead. It works better this way as an emotional trigger for the team. He might have had one of the least continually useful powers, but he definitely was not one of the worst characters.

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