Let’s face it: we would all love to live in the X-Men universe. Whether we would use your superpowers to fight the Marauders or steal chili dogs from 7/11, we all dream of having them. But for everyone who gets telekinesis or invisibility, someone else is stuck with the short end of the DNA mutation stick. Some of these abilities suck. Others are quite powerful, but incredibly incompatible with modern life. The one absolute: you don’t want them.
The Power: Angel-like wings, except somehow weaker than Archangel, because Archangel is much more important. Also, the ability to sing like a prepubescent child.
Why it Sucks: Having wings does sound pretty awesome at first, until you realize how utterly impractical they are in mainstream society. You can forget ever getting into a car, or a bus, or a plane. Of course you wouldn’t need to. You can fly. But if you wanted to go to Europe or something, we’re betting those wings would get tired very fast. Plus you’d need to tear some pretty massive holes through every single one of your shirts, and you wouldn’t be able to walk around without knocking stuff down everywhere you go. Of course, Archangel doesn’t have to worry about any of this, since his wings are special in some weird way (we don’t know, check the Wikipedia entry.)
On the Other Hand…: That voice could probably get you into the prestigious Vienna Boychoir, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into.
The Power: The ability to turn… sound… into light. We think. It kind of gets complicated.
Why it Sucks: Sucks? We don’t even understand what it is! Sounds are always going off everywhere around you, so, what does that result in? Do you just constantly hemorrhage light out of your body like an open wound? Of light?
Well apparently Dazzler can control the light that leaves her body, and with that ability, has been able to do everything from lighting up a dark room to… lighting up a dark room really really bright. Hey, we can do that too. It’s called an iPhone. There’s even an app for it.
On the Other Hand…: You’d never have to worry about forgetting to bring a disco ball again. That is, if having disco balls were still anything less than a social felony.
The Power: Geothermal manipulation. Remember The Core? That.
Why it Sucks: Don’t get us wrong; Magma is a very powerful chick. With the ability to call forth molten energy from the center of the Earth, she can easily fight crime and protect the innocent.
Of course, not without massive amounts of collateral damage. Where Jean Grey can smash bad guys against walls or Cyclops can just blast them, Magma would need to turn The Bronx into a volcano just to stop some random mugger. Alternatively, she can summon forth her namesake magma from the ground, cause earthquakes, and control the movement of tectonic plates, all of which is impossible to keep in a contained environment. She would have to level entire cities to do… basically anything. Plus she could mess up, and there goes San Francisco.
On the Other Hand…: Why doesn’t she use her powers to stop earthquakes
The Power: Immovability (with the side effect of being horrendously obese)
Why it Sucks: Sure, it would be pretty good to be immovable. You could resist untold amounts of blunt force coming at you, and you’d never have to worry about getting dragged out by security again.
But then there’s the obesity. That’s Blob’s actual mutation. The immovability is nothing more than a side effect -- he is literally too heavy to be moved. He spent years training in combat and became a very skilled and agile fighter, but he didn’t lose a pound of weight. It’s basically impossible for him to ever be more than an obese freak. And yes, he can’t get shot, but that’s actually more of a burden than a curse. After he lost his powers Blob tried to commit suicide. There was literally too much fat for him to reach any major arteries to cut.
That is a very sad existence.
The Power: Omni-linguism
Why it Sucks: Because it’s not even a real power. It’s a skill. It’s something that you major in college. And yes, it’d be pretty impossible for any one person to learn every language in the world, but how many languages do you really need to know before you’re set?
Scratch that, we now realize why Cypher exists. He’s a living, breathing plot device. He exists so that the X-Men can communicate with any mutants from remote Asian villages or any aliens that happen to be invading. His power even extends to computer languages, so if the team ever needs someone to “hack into the internet,” he’s there. Eventually the writers decided to make him a little more interesting by making him feel useless and giving him the related internal conflicts. Good. He pretty much is.
On the Other Hand…: You know Kobayashi and his dominance in those hot dog eating contests on TV? The prize money can’t be too bad…
The Power: Six extra feet of skin, which he can bend, stretch, wrap, and extend.
Why it Sucks: When we think of mutations, this is the sort of thing that should come to mind. A mutation is nothing more than an incorrect copy of a DNA strand, and it’s way more likely that the bad DNA will translate into something horrifying and nonsensical like this than into psychic powers or levitation.
Skin’s extra skin could stretch out and entrap enemies. Basically, he could manipulate objects at a distance. Exactly what telekinesis can do, except without the freakish disfigurement. We’d much rather take that.
On the Other Hand…: You’d never have to worry about not being able to reach the remote again.
The Power: A really long tongue, and the ability to jump really far.
Why it Sucks: Sometimes it feels like comic writers are just creating gimmicks. In the 1960s someone decided that Magneto needed a sniveling, groveling servant, and what better way to make someone into a sniveling toad than by making them a literal toad?
Thus we had this guy, the hopping little henchman who was little more than a nuisance to the X-Men. Come to think of it, why did Magneto always insist on sending out this guy to do things that Magneto could have so incredibly easily done himself?
On the Other Hand…: We’ll leave it up to you to decide what to do with a long and agile tongue.
The Power: Two semi-sentient slugs living in his stomach that can burst through and digest anything in his path.
Why it Sucks: Since when were intestinal parasites a power? As interesting a character as Maggot was, his power was very strange and essentially useless. Yes, the slugs could eat their way through any restraint, but a “poof” from Nightcrawler or a thought from Professor X could accomplish the same thing. Without, you know, bursting through your stomach.
Come to think of it, those worms were their own semi-sentient individuals, weren’t they? He didn’t really control them. So they just burst through whenever they got hungry. What’s to stop them from eating Kitty Pryde next time they’re hungry?
On the Other Hand…: You could eat your way out of whatever government research lab they stick you in when they discover that you’re a freak.
What do you think, Maniacs? Are there any worse character from the X-verse than these 8? Post your comments below...