Over in the corner of my office, somewhere in the pile of longboxes, if you look long enough you'll find a 4-issue mini-series that (officially) launched my comics jones. It was the 1986 run of Deadman, by Andrew Helfer and Jose Luis Garcia Lopez. Technically, it wasn't my 1st comic book. My 1st comic was an issue of Superboy I finagled my Mom into buying me at a gas station while we were on a long roadtrip as a child... It made the time in the back seat pass a little more quickly. Other than that, it wasn't memorable... After that, I'd picked up Peter Porker: The Spectacular Spider-Ham and Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew at a drug store near my grandparents' house. And X-Men #173 (Wolverine vs. Silver Samurai. Wolvie kisses Rogue to keep her from dying. A bit more memorable.) Technically, these weren't really my first comics, either. I had a butt-load of coverless Sad Sacks and other old comics that my Dad had. But the day I realized that I wanted to buy comics, read them, and keep them, was that day in 1986 when I walked into Lindner's Drug Store (they had an ice-cream fountain. It was double-dip for a dime time, youknowwhatImean Vern?) I was getting my traditional double cone of chocolate and mint chocolate chip when I began looking through the comics. I found Issue 1 of Deadman. I didn't know who he was. I didn't know anything about him. But he was a Superhero (sort of.) None of my friends would know who he was, either. And there were only gonna be four issues. I could own them all. I bought them faithfully with allowance money (or collected spare change
Tags: stuff
Yeah, the new cd from the comedic part-time fanboy genius that pioneered "Superhero Sex Scenes", and songs like "The Spider-Fan's Lament" and "If I Had A Mutant Power" (a parody of 'If I Had A Million Dollars') is now available, and can be purchased at Mikey shows or online, here (it's a secure server). While this one has no content directly geared towards his part-time fanboy lifestyle, the tracks are 100% pure, unadulterated, raging geek.
Here's the cover art, and you can get a more detailed view of the whole product on the purchase page.
Front cover:
Rear cover:
OK... I'm done tooting my own horn. Somebody else praise me for a while, eh?
There's a rumor that Batman's gonna die and one of his former "Robin"s will take his place. You know how I feel about that? Go ahead. Kill him. Let's face it: Batman's 1st appearance was in 1939. If he'd only appeared in one comic a month since his publication, he'd only have appeared in 800 comics. But that wasn't the case. A (very) conservative estimate would be 5000 comics appearances. If one issue only equaled one day out of his life, then he'd have 13.7 years of his life documented on paper. But that's not the case. Some issues take place in a single night, some over a couple of days, some over weeks. Let's be (extremely) conservative again and say that, on average, an issue is representative of 2.5 days of Batty's life. Where does that leave us? 34.25 years of his life, published in comics. Not counting the days we didn't see. So how old IS Batty, anyway? Let's assume that all of his life past age 21 was actually represented in those (conservative) figures. He'd be 55 years old (21 34=55.) Conservatively. The formula for retirement in many corporations is this: Age Years of service = 80. This puts Ol' Bruce Wayne at (very conservatively) 9 years past his full retirement eligibility. So go ahead. Kill him. Replace him. This is classic DC in action. How many Flashes have there been? Green Lanterns? I'll get over it... Still there's part of me that screams that this is wrong... That screams: If you kill him, don't replace him and don't bring him back. Make a new character. Hell... Kill ALL the old guard characters and make new ones. Show some creativity in what is allegedly one of the most creative businesses in the world. Quit relying on the same old gimmicks to sell comics... Captain America "died" back in March, and they're still putting out monthly Captain America comics without him in them... (I'm still not convinced he's dead... See the Captain America Death Scam for my thoughts on that.) Kill 'em all. Retire 'em. Whatever... I almost don't care anymore... Just don't replace the characters and then rehash old storylines and/or gimmicks. Keep it fresh and new. Somehow...
Tags: stuffRecently, the news hit that Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris (writers who worked with director Bryan Singer on X2 and Superman Returns have flaked out on their attachment to Superman: The Man of Steel. I figured I'd take this time to spout my opinions on the Superman movie franchise, and get flamed in the process... Now, before I get started I'd like to point out that the Richard Donner Superman movies helped shape my childhood. Nonetheless, here are the 3 biggest problems with the Superman Movies, as I see them. Address these 3 problems and you'll hit a home run, Mr. Singer (or whomever steps in to helm this movie after you flake out again...) 1) Villains. What is so hard about looking at a Superman comic and finding a decent supervillain? There have to be THOUSANDS of them. Check out Supernaut's rant on the General Zod rumors for the new movie, and you'll get the idea. Lex Luthor sucks. Why? Directors insist on playing him as cartoony and bumbling, with bumbling sidekicks. Gene Hackman's Luthor sucked... Kevin Spacey's Luthor was a little smarter, more evil, and creepy, but was basically Gene Hackman 2.0. The only movies to put super-powered villains in front of Supes were Superman II and IV. Superman 2 gave us Terence Stamp's Zod, who was imperious and cool, with his cohorts Ursa and Non, but suffered from some other serious deficiencies that I'll address in a second, in the appropriate sections. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, was a genuinely sucky attempt at providing a generic Superman villain, Nuclear Man! The whole movie was lame, ham-handed, and should have been foregone in favor of a cartoon series... And Superman III gave us... Richard Pryor and the tobacco industry? Come on... There were better plot lines in those old Radio Shack comic books they used to give us in school to advertise the TRS 80 computers! 2) Lois Lane has never been cast right in a movie. Margot Kidder wasn't nearly hot enough, not by a long shot. She could certainly act, but hot? Umm... no. Lois is supposed to inflame the fanboy chubby, you know? Sorry Margot. Next? Kate Bosworth in Superman Returns... Hot? Yes. But she was born 5 months before Superman III was released. Somehow we're supposed to believe that 5 years after Superman left Earth (an event which allegedly happened after Superman II) time moved backwards for Lois Lane? Sorry, but Kate Bosworth has neither the presence not the maturity in performance to play Lois Lane. We had a perfect Lois Lane on TV once: Teri Hatcher. Confident, bold, impetuous, and extremely hot. Bring her back or duplicate that formula. 3) I know this'll draw some ire, but: Superman has never, ever been done right on film. I loved Christopher Reeve's Superman as a child, but even then I wondered where the muscles were? He just didn't live up to the comic book physicality of Superman (though I'll grant that there's never been a better actor to fill the cape
Tags: stuffThere was a time when Halloween was the be-all/end-all... The excitement slowly grew more and more tangible and we couldn't wait until we could put on our plastic or polyester costumes (guaranteed to melt to your skin instantly in case of fire) with those plastic faces (guaranteed to cut your lip or ear at least once on this hallowed night) held onto our heads with a little elastic band (guaranteed to pop out or break at least once.) It was a great time to be a kid. There were little plastic Supermen and little plastic Batmen, and little plastic Star Wars characters, and little plastic KISS band members, all wandering down the street with their little paper grocery sacks or plastic pumpkins, in blissful search of sugar. Back then, the costumes sucked. If you had a Superman costume, it would have a picture of Superman in some furious action pose on the chest, and not just the Superman symbol. Back then, they hadn't figured out that kids wanted to look like the characters, and not like walking advertisements for the characters... Still, we knew our place in the world. We knew that, as a little plastic superhero, we were entitled to walk up to any house with a porchlight on and ritualistically beg for candy. And the ritual was important. We would actually say the words, "Trick or treat." And we almost meant it. We very nearly meant that, should these kind homeowners advertising their possession of candy by the ritual porchlight not hand over sugar upon our ritual request, we would perform some dire act of ritual retribution such as GASP! soaping their windows, or SHOCK! toilet papering their trees... Of course we knew that these tricks were only for the kids who deemed themselves too cool or too old to trick-or-treat. We were just there to get the candy. Now, years later, after urban myth needle-in-the-candy scares, x-raying candy bags at local Fire Departments, and the transition of Halloween from being a fun family night to Satan's Subversive Recruitment Evening, the costumes are finally cool. And I get to see some of them, too, on the kids who aren't forced to ignore Halloween altogether, or on the kids who aren't forced to "trick-or-treat" at the mall, or go to a church-sponsored Fall Costume Party (not officially affiliated with Halloween or Satanic Recruitment...)But mostly I see pre-teen girls dressed like Britney Spears (next year they'll go as 'Unwed Teenaged Mothers') or kids in black street clothes with black and white clown makeup who swear they're ICP. Kids who don't even have the decency to say, "Trick Or Treat." One kid came as a "teenager." That's right
Tags: stuffWe're creatures of habit. When we eat fast food, we frequently go to the same place, a sort of "fast food monogamy" if you will... I'm in the car A LOT, and so I eat fast food A LOT. And I don't always get the chance to clean out the car. I feel funny saying it now, but I get all awkward if I'm going through a drive-thru with another restaurant's day-old cup in my cupholder. I start throwing it on the floorboard while I'm ordering... Trying to push it under the seat or cover it up with a newspaper or a jacket... I wonder what the conversation would be like if the window person cared... McDonald's Drive-Thru Window Person (MDTWP): Here's your drink and your debit card, sir
Tags: stuffI'll admit that I should have seen this coming. This whole ordeal was foreshadowed when we got the cats. I didn't want pets. I didn't wanna fuck with feeding them and cleaning up after them and all. "That's ok," she said. "I love taking care of animals. I'll handle all of that!" So we got cats. Then she got pregnant. "Toxoplasmosis," she said, and BAM! All of a sudden I'm changing the catbox. Baby's born and I'm ready to quit (after 8-9 months of it) and she says "Uh-uh... I'm breastfeeding. Keep going 'til I'm done." Well... She's done breastfeeding for 3 months before I realize that I'm still changing the catbox. I don't hint. I don't ask. I just stop changing the motherfucker. The cats are taking shits beside the box and scooping litter out onto the floor to cover them. Still I won't change it. Finally, my wife gets the idea. She changes the box. Once. And now? Now we take turns seeing how long we can stand it before we change the box, hoping the other one flinches first. Okay, so... My wife wanted a house. I didn't. Didn't wanna fuck with the lawn and all. Home repairs. Handyman bullshit. "That's ok," she said. "I love mowing the lawn. I'm very handy around the house. I'll handle all of that!" So we bought the house. She mowed the lawn once or twice. Then it was me (for what seems like forever.) Then I stop for a month and a half and she gets the idea. She mows the lawn. Once. And now? Now we take turns seeing how long we can stand it before we get the mower out, praying the other one flinches first. If I wanted to spend my life mowing lawns, I'd have been a landscaper. Guess what? I'm not a landscaper. I'm a comic. I wanna spend my life bitching about mowing lawns. I mean, it's okay that first couple times I mowed, cause the lawn was mine, you know. MINE. It BELONGS to ME. So mowing it is kinda cool, like a status symbol. But after a while it gets old... And I start having fantasies about paying the neighbor's kid to take care of it. Kinda like being married. At first you're all over each other. MINE, you know? After a while, though, it gets kinda old... And you start having those fantasies about paying the neighbor's kid to take care of it... Okay... Just kidding about that last. But lawn care sucks ass. *Editor's note: There may have been some exaggeration in the author's use of facts within this essay. The tendency of comedians to wax hyperbolic is a well-known phenomenon. Still... The distortion of reality here is probably not that great.
Tags: stuffI was watching (wretch) CNN at lunch today, and they were talking about OJ Simpson and "his alleged thugs." Alleged thugs? As sick as I am of OJ, I had to wonder... How does one become a thug? Do you pick them up at Thug singles bars? Do you ask your friends? Or do you have to hold interviews? And what would those interviews be like? It's worth a bit of speculation, I think... OJ: Do you have any experience? Applicant: Well... I started as an entry-level Stooge, but my test scores were very high, so I skipped over Goon entirely and went straight to Flunky. I was promoted pretty quickly to Lackey, and now, I'm certain I'm ready to be a Thug. OJ: Mmm-hmmm. And what are your career goals? Applicant: Well, ultimately, I'd like to be a Sidekick or Evil Assistant, but that's down the line. After Thug, I think I'm aiming for Henchman, or maybe even Accomplice. But I assure you that if I get the position of Thug, I'll make a one-year commitment-- two years if I get benefits. OJ: Yes, well... Do you have references? Applicant: I worked as an underling for Robert Blake. OJ: Oooohhh... That's a bit high-profile for this position. You may be over-experienced... Underling, you say? I was looking for more of a "Tonya Harding's Hatchet-Man" type... I don't know... Do you have appropriate dress and reliable transportation? Applicant: I have a pair of gloves that don't fit, Bruno Mali shoes, and a white Bronco. OJ: You're hired.
Tags: stuff
I drive a lot. A LOT. I ping from state to state like a ball in a pinball table, making people laugh and trying to stay awake while I drive. Occasionally, I make a discovery of proportions so great that I can do nothing but extoll them from the highest mountain! Or... I blog about them...
As I was driving back from a gig in West Virginia, I realized that one of the neighboring states is, in fact, quite possibly the most advanced civilization in the known universe. Let me share with you the wonder that I discovered in Ohio...
Are you ready for this? Are you sure you're ready?
Take a look at this image, and let it register:
Know what that is? It's a DRIVE THRU LIQUOR STORE! That's right! Drive-thru! Check out the beer specials and the admonition to have your ID ready when pulling in.
This is the next step in evolution: encouraging drunk driving. They're helping themselves thin the herd, people! Medical science has all but put a halt on the natural order of evolution, and they want to change that in Ohio. Get your beer, get your whiskey, don't even get out of your car.
The only way to make this better is to have the other side of the station be a closed-circuit track so that the drunk drivers can only hurt themselves or each other. Have it ramp off into a big circular racetrack made to look like a highway construction zone where all the exits are closed. Let the drunk bastards drive in circles in an alcoholic demolition derby, vying for the precious exit-ramp pole position.
Charge admission. This is Nascar that I'd watch.
Ohio... Who'd have thought...
Most people would agree that using your friends is a bad thing... However, most people would also ask their friend for a dollar so they could have a pop, too. So the random thought I'm about to share shouldn't seem *TOO* abusive to any single friendship... OK, consider this. We all know people we could get a dollar off of at a moment's notice for, say, a pop. They aren't (usually) worried about getting paid back, either. After all it's only a dollar. Take a minute and come up with a list of friends and co-workers who wouldn't hesitate to throw you a buck for a pop. Likely, once you get going, the list'll be longer than you think. Add them up. How many are there? 20? 30? Some of us could have upwards of 100 names on that list. That's a lot of good feelings, huh? Nice to know that so many people would throw you a buck. THAT'S $100 POTENTIAL BUCKS JUST FOR ASKING! YOU DON'T *HAVE* TO BUY A POP WITH IT, DO YOU? It's just a buck; $1 at a time. They'll never miss it. Probably won't even remember it... BUT: If you ask for one dollar a month, from each of 100 friends/coworkers for a year, that's $1200 you could have got for free, and without burdening any one of those individual friendships... (Sigh) And who says it doesn't pay to have friends? Just a thought... (Of course, now no-one will help me out when I need a pop, huh? I should've kept my big mouth shut...)
Tags: stuff
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