So this one time, my cousin Stacy got his thing stuck in a bagel. I mean like really stuck. And he didn't like that too much, so we had to take him to the emergency room. Only problem was that the only car we had available was my Uncle Steve's 1978 Plymouth Volare station wagon (with the fake wood siding), and at some point, somebody, probably Uncle Steve, had got a cassette tape single of the theme from "The Jeffersons" stuck in the tape deck, and in a fit of drunken rage, had turned up the volume all the way and then ripped the knob off. So we drove to the hospital that Tuesday morning listening to some fucker singing about that dee-luxe apartment in the sky-high-yiy, and Stacy didn't like that neither. Matter of fact, by the time we got home, he was so pissed off that he grabbed my lower lip and jammed it into my old Playstation and slammed the snapcase lid shut, and I sat there crying with it hanging off my lower lip, looking like some kind of fucked-up reverse-retro version of those natives with the big plate in their lip. But it wasn't too much later we discovered that we could make money by hanging out on a streetcorner with the Playstation hanging off my lip, holding a sign that said "PLEEZ HELP" with the second "L" written backwards, and an empty Libby's Lima Beans can on the sidewalk in front of us, because if it says Libby's Libby's Libby's on the label label label you will like it like it like it on your table table table. We were arrested after only about three hours, though, because Stacy took to crotch-punching people whom he felt hadn't given enough money. When we were released by the police later that day, I found out Stacy had managed to stow about two thirds of the money we'd made by jamming it up his ass, all two dollars and seventy-eight cents of it. And when we were on the way home in Uncle Steve's car, listening to how it took a whole lotta tuh-ryin' just to get up that hill, Stacy jumped out of the car at a stoplight, ran into a Safeway, and spent the whole wad we'd made that day. And do you know what that dumb fucker bought? A package of Lender's Bagels.