StarlightGuard's Blog

CCR

(Wed 10/08/2008 07:31pm)
In case you were hoping to read a blog on Credence Clearwater Revival, think again.

No, this CCR means Creative Crop Rotation. Let me explain:

Those loyal readers of my mad entries most likely have noticed the jump in output. And why is this?

Well the first reason is, simply, I'm still hoping the Grand Poobah's of Mania would like a reviewer of paranormal themed books. All these blogs are, in a sense, doubling as resumes that show the unfiltered talents (or lack of) that are possessed in these two hands.

So why am I not reviewing books on my own time as an actual exercise? Good question: Books A Million has been in the middle of a move from one location to another three miles away. Neither store is open, which means I do not have a reliable library of such themed releases at my disposal.

So why don't I go to Hastings? Well they are open, but they rarely have anything new or notable, unfortunately, which is why I rely more heavily on Books A Million. The selection at Hastings is much smaller, less diverse, and so on. It's NEW books I'm hoping for, after all.

The other reason for the output is simple: creative crop rotation.

I need to change gears dramatically when I've been working on something as long as "Igor," "Interesting Times," "Summertime Blues," and so on.

Igor has been in all its various incarnations over the last four years. I sat down to transform the comic script into the first mini series script, and was doing pretty well until it actually came up to rewriting some of the scenes.

The lines that were funny to us all a month ago now seem dreadfully serious. The words haven't changed, it's just how I'm perceiving it that has. I'm too used to it, I'm tired of it, and I need a break from it.

It happens.

Let's see how dedicated you are to a whole new draft of a script you've been working on and expanding upon for four years straight, looking for The Final Draft.

"Interesting Times," which I don't talk about often here, is the same way. There are those with a serious interest in it, and are angrily waiting for me to finish it, but I've been working on those six scripts for 8 years now.

It was only one movie back in 2001.

It was 2 in 2002. Then somehow it became 3.

Okay, fine. 3 is good.

I was writing and rewriting all three at the same time.

Then my memory gets fuzzy, cause 3 became 4, 4 wasn't big enough and out popped 5 and 6. What was to be 4 turned into 3 and I've already lost the thread of the memory as I typed this.

Plus I read "DaVinci Code" which made me start all over from the ground up. That was 2004 I think.

So six movies, 4 rewrites, two more to come, countless books to be read, countless documentaries to be viewed, new books coming out all the time with research I needed, and so on.

It literally got to be too much last year and my brain just toppled over after I finished the first act of the revised Part 3 which was getting a page one rewrite just as Part 1 had done 3 years earlier.

Part 5 will also likely get a page one rewrite as well.

Part 6 still doesn't even exist yet.

Then there's Summertime Blues. That has been undergoing page one rewrites since it was first written in the summer of 2000. It's been going on for six years straight, and I still feel I need to tidy up the last act.

"Sweet Dreams: A Sandman's Story" is the best one of them all, cause it never needed a page one rewrite. I can find absolutely nothing wrong with it. The first draft was 95 percent perfect. The only thing I needed to fix was the last 40 pages or so, and that took awhile, and a brief rewrite of the ten pages I did for it, but when I figured it out it began to flow just as easily as the first part of the movie.

So while I need to fix 5 of the 6 episodes from Interesting Times still, the 3 60 minute episodes of Igor the mini series, about a third of Summertime Blues, you can pretty much see why I'm close to pulling my hair out.

I blog cause I need an outlet: to play with the words, and bat them around like my cats do with grasshoppers. It frees up my hands and brains to do something totally useless which is exceptionally useful.

And, for all you Stargirl fans, since Igor is kicking my ass all of a sudden, after I've had a bit of a mental break, I'll likely focus on that particular project again.

I think a change should do me good.

PS - If anyone wants to offer encouragement for Igor, feel free to do so. I'm at the point I have to be reminded WHY I like it. Hearing "Walk Like An Egyptian" did it for me earlier today, but only for a moment.

I mention the Bangles classic for a reason: I want a big musical chase scene through the museum Igor is working in as a tour guide when he reanimates the Mummy.

But, in the meantime, I'm all yours mania, if you want me. I'll even let Jarrod beat me at Brockian Ultra Cricket.

Frankenstein And Bertha

(Wed 10/08/2008 07:12am)
I know I've tended to favor Igor in my excerpts from the continuously ongoing and confusing adventures of Igor and Frankenstein.

My bad.

So here's some stuff which convinces Young...uh...Victor to run away from the circus to join medical school.

Sally, it should be noted, is the Invisible Woman. You can only see her clothes, but what a shapely form she has. And Victor wants to feel that which he can't see.

Bertha, as noted from earlier entries, is a large bearded lady. Yes, she talks in a very similar manner to Igor. It's very hard to figure out how to write "dumb" dialogue without it all sounding the exactly same.


EXT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - PICNIC TABLE - MORNING

Victor is walking along, in full clown makeup, and he passes Bertha and the still scantily dressed Sally. They sit at the picnic table.

SALLY
Hi Victor.

BERTHA
Hi.

                VICTOR
        Hey, what are you ladies talking about?
        Me I hope.

He sits down next to Sally, and leans on her shoulder.

                VICTOR
        Oh Sally, you saucy vixen, when will you
        come back to my tent for snuggling? You
        know I'm lonely. After all, I don't SEE
        you enough, now do I?

                SALLY
        No Victor.


                VICTOR
        Oh! You tease. How you wound me!

He gets up and leaves. Bertha watches him go away, as he then pulls juggling balls out of his large pockets, and begins to juggle them.

                BERTHA
        You dating funny clown?

                SALLY
        Oh god no. He's nice, but no.

                BERTHA
        Why not? He handsome.

                SALLY
        Bertha, do you have a soft spot for
        young Victor?

                BERTHA
        I would cuddle Victor.

                SALLY
            (evil smile)
        Maybe I can arrange that.

About twenty feet away, Victor has heard none of this. He suddenly drops his juggling balls and comes over all clammy.

                VICTOR
        Why do I feel like someone just
        walked on grave?

He turns, and looks at where Bertha and Sally are still sitting. They both smile at Victor, and have a suspicious wave.

                VICTOR
            (awkward)
        Just dropped my balls!

He turns away from them, worried.

                VICTOR
        Oh god, they're plotting together.

(we cut here to do other stuff involving Igor and the temple of Scienceology, and now return to Victor)

                NARRATOR O.P.
        As good as things were for Igor, Victor
        realized he was having female troubles.
        Five hundred pounds of them, to be
        exact.


EXT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - EVENING

Victor is slinking about the tents at night, and with good reason. The giant silhouette of Bertha is after him.

                BERTHA
            (deep voice)
        Oh funny clown! Where are you?

Victor is hiding behind a tent used for bathing. He goes inside, and hears a WOMAN’S SCREAM.


INT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - SHOWER TENT - CONTINUED

Sally is in the shower. We can't see her, but we can see the water tracing the curves of her body.

                VICTOR
        Oh god, I’m so sorry Sally! I didn’t see
        you in here!

                SALLY
        GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU PERVERT!

Victor is being beaten mercilessly by Sally. All we can see is a towel being slung at Victor.

                VICTOR
        I swear, I didn’t know you were in
        there!

                SALLY
        Don’t give me that “can’t see the
        invisible woman bullshit!” You knew I
        was in here!

                VICTOR
        Sally, please, keep your voice down.

                SALLY
        Why?

                VICTOR
        Bertha's after me.

                SALLY
        I know.


                VICTOR
        She invited me over for a game of
        Twister, then said she'd cuddle me!

                SALLY
        I know!

                VICTOR
        What do you mean you know?

                SALLY
        I put her up to it.

                VICTOR
        You what?

                SALLY
        She likes you.

                VICTOR
        Well I don't like her! Please, you've
        got to hide me.

                SALLY
        It's too late for that.

                VICTOR
        Why do you say that?

                SALLY
        IN HERE, BERTHA!

                VICTOR
        No, Sally please no.

                SALLY
        Happy cuddling.

Victor falls over, and the towel falls on him. It covers him head to toe. And then...its pulled off of him by none other than Bertha.

                BERTHA
        There you are! Naughty clown! Thought
        you could escape! No more hide and
        seek! Now we play kinky sex game!

She grabs him and drags him off to her tent.


EXT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - CONTINUED

Bertha is dragging Victor off caveman style, his head dragging along the ground.

                BERTHA
        Sing to Bertha!

                VICTOR
        I won't!

                BERTHA
        Okay, then we cuddle!

                VICTOR
        I'll sing! What do you want me to sing?

Bertha turns around, and smiles at Victor.

                VICTOR
        No, I'm not singing that.

                BERTHA
        Okay. Cuddling time.

                VICTOR
        I'll do it! I'll do it!

                BERTHA
        Good.

She starts dragging him into her tent.

                VICTOR O.P.
        Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking
        world go round!

                BERTHA O.P.
        Louder!

                VICTOR O.P.
        Wait, what are you going to do with
        that?

                BERTHA O.P.
        Bertha make Victor tingle. It make
        Bertha tingle.
   
                VICTOR O.P.
        That doesn't go there! That doesn't go
        there! Nooo!

Victor comes running out of the tent as fast as he can. Bertha steps outside.

                BERTHA
        It only Icy Hot.

Igor's Potential

(Wed 10/08/2008 04:45am)
The one thing that amazes me most is Igor's potential.

It's also keeping firmly in my tracks: movie? Mini series? What to do, what to do?

The trouble is I always seem to find something to make it grow just a little bit more, like having the Creature From The Black Lagoon sleeping in Igor's hot tub, or even some madness inspired from an old, favorite game.

We have a little place here called Game Traders which, as the name implies, allows you to exchange old games for new games, or new games for money, or old games for money, etc.

They also have a word processed sign on their door which states, roughly, that they are watching you, so if you plan on stealing you will be persecuted most fully.

It had a second warning after that: There Are No Chicks In Jail.

I went there for the first time yesterday, hoping to find something for my Super Nintendo or my first generation Nintendo. Maybe Metroid for the old system. Maybe Ms. Pacman for the second generation.

I ended up finding Castlevania II: Simon's Quest for the old NES, and Castlevania IV for the Super Nintendo.

I sucked at the former, but so far I'm doing pretty well on the latter.

And then it hit me: we've got a monster hunter. Van Helsing was also a monster hunter in Transylvania. I have a place called Transylvania, Utah.

What if we had a Belmont\Van Helsing inspired parody for "Life and Times of Igor?"

The possibilities are there: in Castlevania IV, it looks like the latest Belmont is wearing barely there armor which doesn't cover everything. That implies super model. That implies he's not really into serious monster skewering labor.

Or, to borrow from Monty Python, he's a monster slayer of a difference. And what a difference! Sort of Clay Aiken meets...well...I don't know any other names so let's just say "Standard Guy From Trashy Romance Novel Covers."

I've already had it running in my head in Igor's native way of speaking.

IGOR
Simon looks like girl. Probably is girl.

SIMON
I'm not a girl!
(jumping up and down)
Stop saying that! I'm a boy!

IGOR
Simon soft like girl. It confuse Igor.
(then)
Maybe Simon come back to Igor's place? Rub Igor's hump?

And so on...

The possibility of HAVING GONE TOO FAR has also been considered. Although the exchange above has been going through my head since I bought the Castlevania games, the need to not overdo it has been present as well.

And it's hard to tell how far is too far since I'm always finding new ways to freshen up a 4 year old story that just keeps growing more and more out of control.

IF (and this is a big if) a parody of Belmont or Van Helsing is added in one fashion or another, well, let's just say we'd have to stick to the mini series version of Igor.

Although I'm still considering the 120 page movie.

Hey wisgeuy, what's your preference if you had one? Movie? Mini series? The mini series comes in three parts.

I've got to start writing the "final" version of this soon or my head will explode.

Now I'm off to study for Maelstrom's quiz. If you need me...well...don't come knocking.

The Wall - Ghost Story

(Mon 10/06/2008 11:05am)
The problem with second hand accounts of ghost stories is the fact they're second hand. A second problem, involving this story at least, involves the involuntary passage of time. That means the story is no longer valid these days, as the event about to be detailed was curtailed with human intervention.

I heard this story earlier this year from a friend of mine in whom I confided that, someday, I will gather all my necessary resources, hop in my preferred mode of transportation, and drive around hunting up the haunted spots of Arkansas that are both well known and those that are not.

My friend then proceeded to tell me a real life tale from nearly 12 years ago from when we were in high school. He heard this story a dozen years ago from a reliable source, heard the cautionary dare associated with it, and decided on one slow night to go take up the challenge and see the event for himself.

I realize this story, by the time you read it, will be third hand. To me it is second hand from a very reliable source who isn't known for confabulation. So take the leap of faith as  I assure you the yarn I'm about to spin is from an accurate source.

Nearly a twelve years ago, in a small off the interstate town called Clarksville, there was an out of the way church that bordered a large concrete wall that ran alongside a nearby structure and, eventually, became part of it.

These structures were situated off a road that had the street name and the theorized numerical symbol of the devil: Six hundred and sixty six. (Why this address bordered a Christian church I cannot say.)

The account goes that, should you drive up to the wall at night, turn the car off and shine your headlights at the wall, after a certain amount of time, you'd get that tingling, mysterious feeling of something isn't right. You don't belong here.

That subtle feeling would grow slowly until demonic shadows were somehow cast upon the wall as if they were standing and moving about between the wall and the headlamps of your vehicle.

The associated dare with this happening was this: you can walk up next to the wall, but you can't touch the wall no matter how hard you try.

This is the story my friend was told and, on a particular slow night in our small hometown, he and the one who told him the story drove the nearly 70 miles or so down to Clarksville.

They sat in the vehicle, lights shining at the wall. The nervous, malevolent feeling appeared.  The figures appeared on the wall.

My friend then opened the door, said "I'm going to touch that wall," and walked straight up to it. He reached out with all the abundant determination of a man intent on proving another man wrong...and was unable to touch the wall.

Imagine pushing on an invisible barrier as hard as you can with your palm flat on the transparent surface. Now push harder.

This is exactly what my friend did. He could not move his hand anymore beyond the few inches that kept his hand from the surface. If he'd been there in the daylight, you could not only touch the wall, you could lean against it. There's nothing to keep you from feeling the surface.

With his curiosity satisfied, and a dare unfulfilled, he came home.

Apparently, not too long after that, the story was featured on "Unsolved Mysteries," yet I must admit I have looked and could not find it referenced on their website.

After the story aired on the television nationwide, people kept coming to the wall at night. So many came, in fact, that the congestion was keeping the church from having its nightly rituals and matters were taken to take down the wall. The address was subsequently changed as well.

The story may still be told in Clarksville. Truth be told I'm not certain if it is or isn't anymore. I've only been there once in the last several years, and that was just a week ago.

But if it's a current, and active, haunting you want I suggest you tune in reruns of "Ghost Hunters," where they came to Eureka Springs and explored the Crescent Hotel. It was quite hilarious for me to see these boys from the East Coast who, when they crossed the state line, was amazed by the local scenery.

"Beautiful" was the word Jason used, I believe. He was also astounded, as most people are, that something that's as seemingly dreary as Arkansas can actually look quite remarkable and parts of it can be sophisticated.

Another active haunt is in Van Buren, at the King Opera House. I've considered calling up the TAPS team to investigate, and even more so now that a fire broke out on the upper levels. And, as those familiar with ghost stories know, renovations and repairs often stir up old memories and entities.

For The Fans

(Mon 10/06/2008 05:35am)
I read wiseguy's comment this morning and how he told me to keep pushing for an Igor movie, one way or the other.

Oddly enough, up until I read that I'd been having trouble writing the new query letter which is used for promotions. So with that encouragement, plus some of Maelstrom's older comments also on the subject (and a generous helping of Ricky Nelson's song "Garden Party") I present to you the letter which will most likely reprsent "The Life and Times of Igor" in its miniseries format.

If this doesn't take, we'll go back to making the standard movie. Something's gotta give somewhere.

Ready? Here we go...

B-Movie monsters, classic literary figures and the original "Frankenstein" story by Mary Shelley are delivered their comedic due in The Life and Times of Igor, a true monster mash mini series of the hunchback's and mad scientist's earlier days, how their dreams of scientific discovery could be realized, and what was it that brought them together.

Episode One: Origins finds our heroes as misunderstood children. Igor likes science, and isn't fond of the little league he's forced to play in, not to mention being bowled over by fastballs returning from the crack of the bat.

Young Victor, however, is the son of circus clowns that only want to make the world a happy place to live in, while Victor's one wish is to rule it with an iron fist. His parents remove him from elementary school and proceed to home school him in an attempt to fix him.

As the years quickly pass, Igor and Victor are now teens trapped in the middle of their turbulent worlds: Igor's dad hasn't squashed the desire for science out of him, but Victor is on the road to recovery as, it seems, as all he ever really needed was an audience to shower him with attention.

Igor's technical achievements are soon heard of, and he's recruited by the local Temple of Scienceology, where he's assigned the task of brain washer in the basement of the temple. Victor, however, soon becomes the unwanted love interest of the new bearded lady, Bertha, at his circus and after a night of attempted snuggling, Victor escapes with Dr. Nefarious bound for Evil Medical School

As Victor excels in his studies, Igor has fallen into an easy pattern of scrubbing brains in a vat. But graduation is upon Victor, and membership is being asked of Igor, and in an attempt to shake up their lives and careers, both embark on a trip to the circus to find inspiration and discover each other.

Episode Two: World's Apart takes the archetypes we've known for so long and tosses them out the window. Frankenstein has retained his circus training and requires spotlights while in the lab. Igor is simply loyal to his friend.

And on an electrically charged night, members of the Clean Environment Coalition arrive to arrest Frankenstein for dumping toxic waste in Salt Lake City. Frankenstein is arraigned in the trial of the century and Igor is left without a way to pay the bills.

Forced to find a new job while Victor rots in a maximum security prison, Igor resorts to walking the Wolfman, who is part Jack Russell terrier, and immediately fails at the position. Next up is the opportunity to conduct tours at the local museum, but curiosity gets the better of Igor and he reanimates an ancient Egyptian pharaoh and sets the Mummy loose on the world.

Victor's time in jail is no more successful, as he's forced to entertain the unruly prisoners while undergoing psychological evaluation from Dr. Jekyll, who has a secret identity or two with a scheme up their cerebral sleeve: one wants to utilize Victor's lab and knowledge for something truly evil, and the other has insidious dreams of its own: to tango.

Episode Three: Reunited finds Igor working up in Redmond, Washington, as a pencil pusher for a cybernetics company while Victor is making room for his new cellmate who looks suspiciously like Bertha the Bearded lady from his youth.

Meanwhile, Dr. Jekyll's personalities have broken into Victor's lab, unintentionally awakened the monster, and set things in motion that require the mad scientist and his assistant's attention, or else something truly evil unlike anything young Victor ever dreamed of will be released from the confines of a man suffering from multiple personalities.

Special appearances are also made by Quasimodo, Igor's bell ringing cousin for whom he has a certain envy concerning Igor's large hump, Dracula who's undergoing shock treatment for a certain bloody addiction, plus a gelatinous Blob who sells transgenic biological gels door to door.