1. Jesse Jane.
2. Convince Mania That The Supernatural Is ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!!! BUWAHAHAHA!!!
And it comes in convenient hardcover or softcover form!
Greetings to you all, as I continue to convince Mania someone here needs to review the latest releases on the paranormalsupernatural book offerings!
Yes, yes I know we have a bigfoot hunter on here. And that's great for Nick, and I wish him well. (Big group hug around Redfern, everyone!)
But, even as competent and respected as Nick is, he does a literary monster mash and I don't. That's not a slap at either of us, it's just how it is.
Nick had to start somewhere, cause he knows you can't take Bigfoot 101 at the local community college, and there's no classes for Spooks 101 at the universities I've come across.
It's really all about reading, watching, and experiencing everything you can. I've read a lot for my own personal research, watched a lot of documentaries, and to be honest I didn't have to go far to have my experiences. Hell, they came to me.
I've placed my own homemade book reviews in earlier blogs, and I'm now going to ask What Are You Interested In? Which Topic Excites You? I bet you there's a book on it!
Legends and such surrounding faeries became one of mine and I've gone hunting for the Fair Ones in lush, overgrown areas with only my digital camera and some sweet offerings to, hopefully, lure them out.
One time I also took a portable CD player, sat down on a hill, and let Enya sing to the woods in hopes something might come around.
I've also had the good fortune of encountering people who had some form of second sight or an equivalent awareness about them: oddly enough they were all female, of different ages. Two of them I'm still in constant contact with.
In fact one was on her way to the Caribbean and told me she and her husband was going to tour one particular spot, which I then looked up, and then strongly cautioned her on that notion.
She (and I must respect her privacy by withholding her name) is incredibly sensitive. She could sense certain pains in my body just by hovering her hand a few inches over said area.
She also kept pestering me to visit a Reiki Seminar in the area several years ago. I should've gone, but I was feeling ill at the time. She learned quite a bit...then came back and taught me a thing or two.
Another I know can see and hear things. I handed over my own homemade metallic dowsing rods I used to have and she could sense energy flowing from one end, through her body, out the other end.
I never felt that, although when I did use them around my house they did cross connect several times, and in several areas. (There are, it seems, several people following me around at all times.)
But, until I finish reviewing my book, I'm also submitting various compositions to greeting card companies. They'll take a week to review and we'll go from there.
Also...though I probably shouldn't say anything, there are hints of a ship out there about to dock and will unload a certain amount of gold.
I still don't know if this poetic analogy will come to fruition or if that ship will sink or stay in harbor. But the signs seem indicate calm seas and blue skies.
We'll just have to wait and see, like all other things in life.
Last night during a Mythbusters rerun, the famous theme of Bond himself blared through my surround sound and declared that, yes, James Bond is now on Blu-Ray!
Which is a good thing, obviously, but it only reinforces a problem I've been dealing with. More on that in a moment.
I have one James Bond offering on DVD, and that is the one featuring Halle Berry's ample bosoms coming slowly up out of the tide. "Die Another Day," I think it was called. Either that or Come And Get Me, Big Boy. I'm sure Halle referred to it as that. Quite sure, in fact.
Now as faulty as "Die Another DayHalle Berry's Amazing Bouncing Boobs" was, it's on standard DVD. (The movie, not the boobs. The boobs are in no way faulty. Except for one problem, they're not resting comfortably in my bed.)
I also have six or seven past offerings on glorious VHS, which will obviously go to Blu.
But ever since the format war was won, I've found my DVD purchases have fallen dramatically. It's not because there's nothing out there, it's simply because I ask myself "shouldn't I just wait? I know it'll be painted in Blu soon."
The newest of the new releases, (such as Indy, Wall-E, Nim's Island, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, X-Files, etc) I have reserved as Blu-Ray purchases.
But I also have an existing library and, quite frankly, it was rather costly gathering it alone, but it'll be at least twice as costly should I replace each and every single disc with a Blu-Ray counterpart.
And here's the additional problem: Upconvert DVD players.
These new upconvert players state they will take your older discs, and put them in even more glorious 1080 resolution, whereas the upconvert technology in the Blu-Ray players will go only Near HD Resolution.
Isn't this built in obsolescence? Does this mean my copies of, say, defunct television series "The Lone Gunmen" will look somewhat hazy on a Blu-Ray player, yet looks like a Blu offering on an upconvert player?
I still have a vast VHS collection. I didn't throw all mine away like certain friends did with their NES game collection. (I can still play my Nintendo games, can you old chum?)
Frankly, it's likely it's all designed to just suck us dry.
I'd hate to throw away my current collection of movies and television shows. I wouldn't mind seeing "Firefly" in Blu, and then leave me deciding what to do with my standard issue version of it.
So, who here has messed with an upconvert player?
Has anyone even bothered to get one?
And, most importantly, why the hell is "Pirates 2" 80 effing dollars at my local adult DVD shop? You could choke a giraffe with prices like that!
Halle, I request you bring your ample peace offerings to my...uh...negotiating table and we'll hammer out an agreement between you and I....and maybe Best Buy, if I'm not dehydrated or recovering from exhaustion.
The Complete Idiot's Guide To Natural Magick (C) 2005 by Amaranth Illuminare
Softcover, 325 pages
In the past, due to severe ignorance and fear, I have actively avoided any tomes on the subject of witchcraft in any way, shape, or form.
I actively knew of spirits, both good and bad, and various supernatural happenings (some of which I had experienced.)
But in the late summer of 2005, I uncovered an unpleasant presence upon the empty land on which this house was being built, and my standard means of cleansing the property would not work here. Should I have lit candles, I would've burned up a good four acres, not to mention the farmland just past my fences.
So I had to venture into the world of magick.
Still unwilling even then to purchase anything dealing with Witchcraft, Wicca, or spellcasting at that time, I turned to volume on "Natural Magick" in hopes of changing the energy of the land while I dipped my uncertain toes in unfamiliar forces.
I certainly got more than I bargained for: a knowledge I'd shamelessly kept from myself due to nothing more than institutionalized superstitions. Once you pick up this book, or one similar, any limitations or hesitations placed on the nature of so called "earth based religions" will melt away. And, as the book states simply, "natural magick means working with nature to effect changes in your life."
This book is a simple, remarkable one that awakened a new love and appreciation for nature. It details the reasoning and history for worshipping both the sun and the moon with dedicated, almost poetic prose. It drifts in the mystery of the four winds and the old traditions that accompanies them. And it gives you the opportunity to seek the assistance of, or simply commune with, those forces that represent the magickal elements.
There are individual chapters devoted to summoning the four elements themselves: air, fire, earth, and water, and how to go about it safely. Something as simple as visualization in the shower can bring forth the power of water; candles are the same way of touching fire; meditative breathing for air; the adventure of panning for gold connects you to earth.
Chapter 2 details how to honor "natural ethics." In other words, showing respect to the planet, to the forces that created it, and valuing both "the inner and outer landscapes of your life." It details how this is accomplished, via awareness, gratitude, and through constant care.
There are also chapters that devote themselves to the Elementals, and Elemental Spirits, and the differences between, while others encourage getting in tune with the living force of trees. One can also walk with and open their lands to those of the faerie, and how to do so is also detailed.
Most curious, for me at least, is their approach to how and what one eats, but it really shouldn't surprise considering the craze for eating healthier.
The spring following the purchase of this book, I recall telling a friend "I seem to be becoming more pagan every day," as we walked through a blooming forest with its natural springs flowing around us.
I've never been one for organized religion, and had a lot of fear of magick in the beginning. Now I know better. I still feel organized religion is a lot of rules, regulations, and dogma while feeling magick and related beliefs are more life affirming and beautiful.
Some will disagree with me, but that's fine.
If, for no other reason would you pick this up, do it simply to understand what Wicca is all about. It is a perfect stepping stone and, if approached with an open mind, you too can have any preconceived notions fall away like leaves from the trees in these autumn days.
For those who are genuinely interested in this field, Buy It.
If you're curious, Borrow It, but I'm betting you'd end up own your own copy in the end. If not this volume, then certainly one like it.
Even if you don't believe a word of what's listed in the entire book or my review, it's still worth at least one reading if only to cure ignorance.
Some stories must be told.
Coincidentally, some reviews must also be told, to let a person know if those same stories are worth being told.
Earlier this year, I was given the dubious honor of reading, and possibly adapting, one particular novel from a local author with both high literary hopes and a chance at going to Hollywood.
Curt Collier's debut, self published novel is aims for Tolkien's high style while simultaneously aiming for a Dan Brown level of historical interpretation. It almost completely fails to do either.
The basic story begins with a curse placed upon the lands and peoples of those involved in the Trail of Tears, the infamous forced relocation of Native peoples that, eventually, went through this area on their way past what is now the Oklahoma border. And this is where Collier's first stumble occurs.
His retelling has white soldiers stopping at the Arkansas River, and tomorrow they will push them west past the river and let them continue further without their "assistance." He is, in a sense, stating the forced relocation ends in Fort Smith. It most certainly did not, and my Native American studies instructor would be furious if he'd read such a notion, fictional or not.
The opening chapter takes place in modern day Fort Smith, a place that you only have heard of due to old westerns, some history, and the incredible storm damage it suffered back in the spring of 1996.
Said opening chapter deals with a young freshman going over mathematical studies before she is viciously attacked by a werewolf in the very early morning hours. The local police force is called in and a large, black man known as Morgan is called to the scene.
Morgan, as repeatedly revealed in the narrative, is "old school." He carries a firearm in a shoulder holster, and cares for his elderly grandmother who enjoys watching wrestling on the television. Morgan himself, although unmemorable, is unknowingly a quest to meet what will become his destiny.
As for this curse proclaimed at the end of the prologue, it requires all those of native blood to endure the horror of shape shifting until all people come together in harmony, which is unlikely as Collier's tale tries to display further historical (and somewhat maudlin) importance by declaring the unfortunate treatment placed upon Japanese Americans who were detained in the state during WWII, along with the New Orleans refugees who were given a place to live and a job in local businesses, and how the forces at work are trying to give Fort Smith a second chance at redeeming itself for the treatment of all these people.
Morgan also encounters a young woman who also has the curse placed upon her, referring to that omnipresent being as "the beast." She displays said beast's abilities when she's unloading, of all things, shirts brought in to the local Wal-Mart Super Center as a deadly, foreign snake has somehow slipped in from countries unknown.
We also meet others who are both aware of, and some that also are in the throws of, this curse. One is wise and benevolent, the others are hysterically insane. And a showdown between all these combined forces culminates in a battle which attempts to be in the vein of the old Greek myths. It totally fails to do that.
This installment ends mysteriously, as he's obviously setting up the second installment. It also, for me at least, ended on a hilarious moment: what appears to be a "were-kangaroo" was seen in Texas, attacking some poor soul out on the road one night while On Star attempts to offer their assistance.
Curt Collier, at best, is a local author. And, for the most part, he should remain just that: someone of limited talent whose stories should remain in their mundane settings. His literary achievements, in my opinion, will never match what he feels he has created.
On the whole, this isn't a terrible novel, but it certainly isn't worth reading either.
It should be noted this project originated in a Creative Writing Course.
It should've stayed there.
My Call: Burn It.
A note on my rating system: there are three qualifications I keep in mind for my own literary purchases and recommendations. Buy It, Borrow It, and Burn It.
Buy It is suitable for all those interested, those that are curious, and beyond.
Borrow It suggests a more limited offering. This would deal with people who have a special interest in this particular selection, but isn't for the wide audience. The general audience may enjoy this, and they could easily find it in a library or from a friend.
Burn It says it all. No redeeming value here at all.
It's been nearly nine full years since I've started this Hollywood madness I've been pursuing.
In all that time I've bought countless hundreds of envelopes that were sent through the mail. Some came back "Return To Sender," some came back "thanks but we're not interested," others came back with approval of the query inside but still refused to offer any hope at all.
Countless thousands of pages have been spent writing, rewriting, polishing, and revising various different projects over that amount of time.
Plus the post office hit it big with me as well. They found a sucker who loved stamps and kept on raising their prices.
And that's all well and good. I'm not complaining about the work that was totally ignored, those that experienced some curiosity, those that very nearly saw the light of day (but didn't) and those that got lost in some agent's pile and were sent back for unspoken reasons.
But when I officially started to revise "Life and Times of Igor" into a 3 part mini-series, it was like hitting a wall. It's not that the glamour, need, or appreciation of all this work is gone, it's just that I seem to desperately need a change of pace.
So I'm hitting the greeting card market, in an attempt to fit into that world by pushing myself in new ways. Hallmark already has my resume, my cover letter, my sample portfolio and such.
Another company is called Blue Mountain Arts, and now that I have their guidelines, I'm going to study their releases and see what I can conjure up for them to evaluate.
All screenplays and promotions are, for now, suspended. "Igor, "Stargirl," "Interesting Times" and anything else I could mention will not benefit from a man who has, essentially, dug the well dry.
Greener pastures are now to be sought, fertile lands are out there to be sewn.
I'll keep ranting here, of course, cause that's what fanboys do.
And (should the Mania higher ups be listening) I'm still considering myself available for ghostly book reviews, or even adult film reviews. (You know you like to watch.)
To all those who enjoyed the excerpts, I thank you. To wiseguy, notafan, maelstrom, Jarrod, and everyone (and anyone) who has embraced the madness and offered support, I tip my hat to you.
This state is replete with history. And the best way, I feel, to experience and learn this history is through ghost stories.
I have a friend in Germany who thinks a lot of these stories (i.e. all of them) are bunk. That's quite a statement from a young woman who is surrounded by an unknown amount of ghost stories from an even richer and older history than what we have here.
When and if I'm ever able, I plan to mount an air shuttle headed for Germany to tour all these haunted places, especially the castles. I'd love nothing more than to chase specters in those castles.
I've also asked her about Cologne, which is the site of the first official modern werewolf tale: Peter Stubbe. (Look it up, find a version of the tale translated into modern English. Make your own decisions on it.)
But when she came here, we toured various Frontier stops in Fort Smith. This is, as you likely already know, is where Judge Parker sentenced men to die by the noose. She and I entered the various locations and I, armed with my digital camera, was hoping to get shots of unexplainable happenings and goings on. She thought I was crazy.
There's also civil war battles that happened much further north of the old fort, up in Pea Ridge. It's said to be haunted as well, not sure about Prarie Grove though. It's been decades since I've been up that way.
There's also the haunted trolley tour in Fort Smith that goes through the, well, I guess it's a Victorian district in the older parts of Fort Smith. I've only traveled through that area once, and the roads are cobblestones I think.
There are also, of course, countless cemeteries in the area that, theoretically, could be the resting place of restless spirits. I know no tales to tell, though.
Well, that's not entirely true. I know of one, but it's a personal experience once told to me by a former practicing Wiccan girl I had the good fortune to be associated with in my French classes.
This story was told to me over seven years ago, so please remember that as the details have slipped my mind. But those are the minor details, I must point out.
You cross the river, and on the right is a rather large cemetery that runs right along the older four lane highway. As she explained to me, she was driving along one night in this old run down urban area and, for reasons I cannot remember, stopped alongside the highway at night.
How long she was there, I also cannot say. I do know a man knocked on her windows, and asked if she needed help.
Then he told her that a young woman shouldn't be out in a place like this after dark.
Her reply was obvious: "Then what are you doing here?"
"This is my home."
And with that he turned, walked into the graveyard, and disappeared.
There was also the almost Stephen King like nature of her life story in the house she and her family lived in when she was younger: the house was haunted by a man who hated children more than anything else, and she was the only one capable of perceiving him.
On one particularly violent night, she explained, that her unconscious sleepwalking sister came into her bedroom with a knife, with the obvious intention of doing serious harm. When her sister was brought back to consciousness, she had know idea why she was in her sister's bedroom, why she had a knife, and while shaking with fear recounted a dream that was all too similar to the actions that had just almost completely unfolded.
Another friend has been the victim of an entity we've only referred to as Bad Blood. What it is, I don't know. Why it's there, I cannot say. What it's done, well I'm sure I only know the tip of the iceberg.
I have had this experience with that mysterious force: I was at her house one afternoon, looking for the cat. My friend was in the kitchen, looking for matches that were supposed to be in that particular location.
I'm in the bedroom, and I lift up the bed to search for the cat. Instead, I find a box of matches. "That's an odd place for matches," I must've thought. So I pick them up, and carry them around the bend to the kitchen and proclaim "here's a box of matches for you. It was under your bed."
"I found the box of matches." She had lit a candle or something.
"But here they are." I handed her the box I found.
My friend looks at me like I'm crazy, and then looked to where she'd placed the box of matches she just used literally a second or two earlier. It wasn't there. She then explained "I just had those."
"I just found them under the bed."
It was weird, but that was the tame stuff from what I've heard.
When her grandfather died some years ago, she inherited his house. She moved out of that house as fast as she could and left it, essentially, abandoned save for one presence. She told me in those first few nights, waiting outside at a particular distance, was the shape of a man she knew was the same force she'd left behind at the other house.
But this house has a ring of protection around it. Natural springs, which are a source of natural magick in folklore, surround this house. The abundant woods also provide a layer of protection. And, off to the side, in the high hills and valleys that drop off very quickly before forming another hill there is a place that lightning is drawn to like a magnet, yet it is no higher than the surrounding land masses.
I mentioned in an earlier blog my experiences with defensive magick, and the abandoned house is a place where some of said magick what utilized. It was useful in knocking the power out of that entity, but couldn't make it go away completely. I told my friend she had to do it over and over, to keep building walls of protection in an effort to finally release its grip.
She refuses to set foot in that house. She even refused to simply visit for five minutes to light a few candles, spread some Holy Water, do a few rituals and then leave again. We did so once, and she sat next to one of the candles. As the flame danced on the small wick in a house devoid of any airflow, she felt that the presence was near, and no matter what we did wouldn't help one bit.
She wanted to leave then.
We blew out the candles, packed up my stuff, and left.
That entity is still there, but the complete absence of anyone has helped in one fashion: it's weakening. We could speed up that process, but she's not interested in going back.
And here's a few tales that are told over at Shadowlands, which can be found at:
We all know this is stating the obvious, but Disney Is Evil, in the same way George Lucas Is Evil.
But I'm not sure which is worse.
We're already very aware Disney is evil for releasing each of it's "classic" films every five years or so, and then immediately acting like THEY'LL BE LOCKED AWAY IN THE VAULT FOREVER! and you'll never have a chance to own them ever again.
SO BUY IT NOW! HURRY! BUY TWO! YOU'LL HAVE MORE KIDS BEFORE THE TIME WE RELEASE IT AGAIN!
Thankfully, it seems, Pixar hasn't allowed that. Thank god for Pixar.
But my latest evidence that Disney is evil (besides its many inferior direct to home video sequels) is the newest edition of "Sleeping Beauty."
Oh, I'm gonna get laughed at for this one and the confession I'm about to make.
2003 was the year Sleeping Beauty was issued to DVD the very first time, and it was digitally remastered and all that. And I, not only wanted it, but got it for Christmas.
(I hear you snickering. Shut the hell up. I've got a basecube bat and I know how to use it.)
I will also admit this is likely the girliest movie Disney ever made.
It's also the last movie Walt himself was involved in. It's also the first that featured Disney and his compatriots greatest technological achievements in creating depth in an animated movie, not to mention the very first of Disney's creations to be released in the cinemascope format.
It's also, quite arguably, the best all around fairy tale movie Disney the studio ever released. I've no use for Cinderella and her singing mice, I don't care about Snow White and her 7 wannabe hobbits. "Sleeping Beauty" is the only one that is worth its weight in gold, as far as I'm concerned.
Now we have a new DVD and a Blu-Ray edition released recently. And, as evil as the Disney studio is, they've found a whole new reason to get us to buy it: by lying their asses off.
The DVD I own has the movie in the original, remastered Cinemascope ratio. But, from the commercials, you think all previous editions are cheating you out of the true widescreen format.
In the commercials, they show the entire widescreen presentation, but they also put a box over about half of it, and only then conveniently expand it to make it look like the rest has been added because, as they say, it's how Disney himself originally intended for it to look.
Well Walt got his wish half a century ago, and again 5 years ago when it was released to DVD.
And now that it's on Blu-Ray, I'll go get it again. I'm not afraid to buy the girliest Disney movie in the world, it's still the among the best movies the whole damned studio ever released, and that's saying something.
Besides, I hope to one day do a retelling of the old fable of Sleeping Beauty. Remove all the girly girl bits and you've got a nice, dark, supernatural drama to tell.
I have my notes for my version of the project here somewhere...I just need to find them and research the story itself some more.
And, oh yeah, Lucas is evil too. Indy 4 isn't on DVD shelves yet and they're already saying it's available for a LIMITED TIME ONLY.
Money grubbing creeps.
In case you were hoping to read a blog on Credence Clearwater Revival, think again.
No, this CCR means Creative Crop Rotation. Let me explain:
Those loyal readers of my mad entries most likely have noticed the jump in output. And why is this?
Well the first reason is, simply, I'm still hoping the Grand Poobah's of Mania would like a reviewer of paranormal themed books. All these blogs are, in a sense, doubling as resumes that show the unfiltered talents (or lack of) that are possessed in these two hands.
So why am I not reviewing books on my own time as an actual exercise? Good question: Books A Million has been in the middle of a move from one location to another three miles away. Neither store is open, which means I do not have a reliable library of such themed releases at my disposal.
So why don't I go to Hastings? Well they are open, but they rarely have anything new or notable, unfortunately, which is why I rely more heavily on Books A Million. The selection at Hastings is much smaller, less diverse, and so on. It's NEW books I'm hoping for, after all.
The other reason for the output is simple: creative crop rotation.
I need to change gears dramatically when I've been working on something as long as "Igor," "Interesting Times," "Summertime Blues," and so on.
Igor has been in all its various incarnations over the last four years. I sat down to transform the comic script into the first mini series script, and was doing pretty well until it actually came up to rewriting some of the scenes.
The lines that were funny to us all a month ago now seem dreadfully serious. The words haven't changed, it's just how I'm perceiving it that has. I'm too used to it, I'm tired of it, and I need a break from it.
Let's see how dedicated you are to a whole new draft of a script you've been working on and expanding upon for four years straight, looking for The Final Draft.
"Interesting Times," which I don't talk about often here, is the same way. There are those with a serious interest in it, and are angrily waiting for me to finish it, but I've been working on those six scripts for 8 years now.
It was only one movie back in 2001.
It was 2 in 2002. Then somehow it became 3.
Okay, fine. 3 is good.
I was writing and rewriting all three at the same time.
Then my memory gets fuzzy, cause 3 became 4, 4 wasn't big enough and out popped 5 and 6. What was to be 4 turned into 3 and I've already lost the thread of the memory as I typed this.
Plus I read "DaVinci Code" which made me start all over from the ground up. That was 2004 I think.
So six movies, 4 rewrites, two more to come, countless books to be read, countless documentaries to be viewed, new books coming out all the time with research I needed, and so on.
It literally got to be too much last year and my brain just toppled over after I finished the first act of the revised Part 3 which was getting a page one rewrite just as Part 1 had done 3 years earlier.
Part 5 will also likely get a page one rewrite as well.
Part 6 still doesn't even exist yet.
Then there's Summertime Blues. That has been undergoing page one rewrites since it was first written in the summer of 2000. It's been going on for six years straight, and I still feel I need to tidy up the last act.
"Sweet Dreams: A Sandman's Story" is the best one of them all, cause it never needed a page one rewrite. I can find absolutely nothing wrong with it. The first draft was 95 percent perfect. The only thing I needed to fix was the last 40 pages or so, and that took awhile, and a brief rewrite of the ten pages I did for it, but when I figured it out it began to flow just as easily as the first part of the movie.
So while I need to fix 5 of the 6 episodes from Interesting Times still, the 3 60 minute episodes of Igor the mini series, about a third of Summertime Blues, you can pretty much see why I'm close to pulling my hair out.
I blog cause I need an outlet: to play with the words, and bat them around like my cats do with grasshoppers. It frees up my hands and brains to do something totally useless which is exceptionally useful.
And, for all you Stargirl fans, since Igor is kicking my ass all of a sudden, after I've had a bit of a mental break, I'll likely focus on that particular project again.
I think a change should do me good.
PS - If anyone wants to offer encouragement for Igor, feel free to do so. I'm at the point I have to be reminded WHY I like it. Hearing "Walk Like An Egyptian" did it for me earlier today, but only for a moment.
I mention the Bangles classic for a reason: I want a big musical chase scene through the museum Igor is working in as a tour guide when he reanimates the Mummy.
But, in the meantime, I'm all yours mania, if you want me. I'll even let Jarrod beat me at Brockian Ultra Cricket.
I know I've tended to favor Igor in my excerpts from the continuously ongoing and confusing adventures of Igor and Frankenstein.
So here's some stuff which convinces Young...uh...Victor to run away from the circus to join medical school.
Sally, it should be noted, is the Invisible Woman. You can only see her clothes, but what a shapely form she has. And Victor wants to feel that which he can't see.
Bertha, as noted from earlier entries, is a large bearded lady. Yes, she talks in a very similar manner to Igor. It's very hard to figure out how to write "dumb" dialogue without it all sounding the exactly same.
EXT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - PICNIC TABLE - MORNING
Victor is walking along, in full clown makeup, and he passes Bertha and the still scantily dressed Sally. They sit at the picnic table.
Hey, what are you ladies talking about?
Me I hope.
He sits down next to Sally, and leans on her shoulder.
Oh Sally, you saucy vixen, when will you
come back to my tent for snuggling? You
know I'm lonely. After all, I don't SEE
you enough, now do I?
Oh! You tease. How you wound me!
He gets up and leaves. Bertha watches him go away, as he then pulls juggling balls out of his large pockets, and begins to juggle them.
You dating funny clown?
Oh god no. He's nice, but no.
Why not? He handsome.
Bertha, do you have a soft spot for
I would cuddle Victor.
Maybe I can arrange that.
About twenty feet away, Victor has heard none of this. He suddenly drops his juggling balls and comes over all clammy.
Why do I feel like someone just
walked on grave?
He turns, and looks at where Bertha and Sally are still sitting. They both smile at Victor, and have a suspicious wave.
Just dropped my balls!
He turns away from them, worried.
Oh god, they're plotting together.
(we cut here to do other stuff involving Igor and the temple of Scienceology, and now return to Victor)
As good as things were for Igor, Victor
realized he was having female troubles.
Five hundred pounds of them, to be
EXT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - EVENING
Victor is slinking about the tents at night, and with good reason. The giant silhouette of Bertha is after him.
Oh funny clown! Where are you?
Victor is hiding behind a tent used for bathing. He goes inside, and hears a WOMAN’S SCREAM.
INT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - SHOWER TENT - CONTINUED
Sally is in the shower. We can't see her, but we can see the water tracing the curves of her body.
Oh god, I’m so sorry Sally! I didn’t see
you in here!
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU PERVERT!
Victor is being beaten mercilessly by Sally. All we can see is a towel being slung at Victor.
I swear, I didn’t know you were in
Don’t give me that “can’t see the
invisible woman bullshit!” You knew I
was in here!
Sally, please, keep your voice down.
Bertha's after me.
She invited me over for a game of
Twister, then said she'd cuddle me!
What do you mean you know?
I put her up to it.
She likes you.
Well I don't like her! Please, you've
got to hide me.
It's too late for that.
Why do you say that?
IN HERE, BERTHA!
No, Sally please no.
Victor falls over, and the towel falls on him. It covers him head to toe. And then...its pulled off of him by none other than Bertha.
There you are! Naughty clown! Thought
you could escape! No more hide and
seek! Now we play kinky sex game!
She grabs him and drags him off to her tent.
EXT. CIRCUS GROUNDS - CONTINUED
Bertha is dragging Victor off caveman style, his head dragging along the ground.
Sing to Bertha!
Okay, then we cuddle!
I'll sing! What do you want me to sing?
Bertha turns around, and smiles at Victor.
No, I'm not singing that.
Okay. Cuddling time.
I'll do it! I'll do it!
She starts dragging him into her tent.
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking
world go round!
Wait, what are you going to do with
Bertha make Victor tingle. It make
That doesn't go there! That doesn't go
Victor comes running out of the tent as fast as he can. Bertha steps outside.
It only Icy Hot.
The one thing that amazes me most is Igor's potential.
It's also keeping firmly in my tracks: movie? Mini series? What to do, what to do?
The trouble is I always seem to find something to make it grow just a little bit more, like having the Creature From The Black Lagoon sleeping in Igor's hot tub, or even some madness inspired from an old, favorite game.
We have a little place here called Game Traders which, as the name implies, allows you to exchange old games for new games, or new games for money, or old games for money, etc.
They also have a word processed sign on their door which states, roughly, that they are watching you, so if you plan on stealing you will be persecuted most fully.
It had a second warning after that: There Are No Chicks In Jail.
I went there for the first time yesterday, hoping to find something for my Super Nintendo or my first generation Nintendo. Maybe Metroid for the old system. Maybe Ms. Pacman for the second generation.
I ended up finding Castlevania II: Simon's Quest for the old NES, and Castlevania IV for the Super Nintendo.
I sucked at the former, but so far I'm doing pretty well on the latter.
And then it hit me: we've got a monster hunter. Van Helsing was also a monster hunter in Transylvania. I have a place called Transylvania, Utah.
What if we had a BelmontVan Helsing inspired parody for "Life and Times of Igor?"
The possibilities are there: in Castlevania IV, it looks like the latest Belmont is wearing barely there armor which doesn't cover everything. That implies super model. That implies he's not really into serious monster skewering labor.
Or, to borrow from Monty Python, he's a monster slayer of a difference. And what a difference! Sort of Clay Aiken meets...well...I don't know any other names so let's just say "Standard Guy From Trashy Romance Novel Covers."
I've already had it running in my head in Igor's native way of speaking.
Simon looks like girl. Probably is girl.
I'm not a girl!
(jumping up and down)
Stop saying that! I'm a boy!
Simon soft like girl. It confuse Igor.
Maybe Simon come back to Igor's place? Rub Igor's hump?
And so on...
The possibility of HAVING GONE TOO FAR has also been considered. Although the exchange above has been going through my head since I bought the Castlevania games, the need to not overdo it has been present as well.
And it's hard to tell how far is too far since I'm always finding new ways to freshen up a 4 year old story that just keeps growing more and more out of control.
IF (and this is a big if) a parody of Belmont or Van Helsing is added in one fashion or another, well, let's just say we'd have to stick to the mini series version of Igor.
Although I'm still considering the 120 page movie.
Hey wisgeuy, what's your preference if you had one? Movie? Mini series? The mini series comes in three parts.
I've got to start writing the "final" version of this soon or my head will explode.
Now I'm off to study for Maelstrom's quiz. If you need me...well...don't come knocking.