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The Undiscovered Gate Which Leads Towards Galileo's Celestial Garden

A Place For Opinions, Parodies, Wild Accusations, Plus Cinematic And Worldly Reflections.

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Igor Meets The Blob - Updated

9/12/2008 5:11:24 PM permalink

Since Maelstrom recently suggested a television show of "Life and Times of Igor," and is now thoroughly enjoying the "retro monster mash" etc feel of it, I've decided to reveal the full scope of the story.

Here are the main players, if anyone cares: (below this is the scene where we meet The Blob. Enjoy.)

Igor

Dr. Frankenstein

The Monster

Poppa Igor

Momma Igor

Quasimodo, Igor's cousin who cleans clock towers and volunteers for the Red Cross

Miss Esmerelda, who runs an employment agency

Lonely Johnson, a prison guard

Dracula

Mr. Sanderson (aka The Wolfman)

Dr. Jekyll (who suffers from multiple personality disorder)

Mr. Hyde (a personality of Dr. Jekyll)

Bill Gates

Robo Bill Gates

Richard The Tango Dancing Squirrel*

*(This is not an actual person, but a personality I'm considering for Dr. Jekyll.)

The Grand High Mystic

Bertha The Bearded Lady

Dr. Nefarious

A Penguin

The Blob, a door to door salesman and part time lava lamp

Tommy, a famous Scienceologist

Katie, an unwilling Scienceologist

Sally, The Invisible Woman

The Ladies From The Clean Environment Coalition

Bruno, Frankenstein's Cellmate

Hot Girls Who Want Igor To Judge Their Wet T-Shirt Competition

A Bunch Of Angry Villagers

Vegetarian Lions

And a few strays here and there.

And, just for fun, here's the scene with Igor and The Blob

(In case you're thinking I'm giving away all my secrets, think again. With 180 pages, roughly, it'd take a long time to give away the whole story. This is just to give you a taste of the banquet that is hopefully to come.)

EXT. FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE - MORNING

A gelatinous salesman, also known as THE BLOB, slimes his way to the front door. He rings the doorbell, and Igor answers it.

BLOB
Ah, good morning to you, sir, and what a
lovely day it is. I’m representing the
Bio Gelatinous Labs of Toad Suck,
Arkansas. I see you are a hunchback, and
therefore must be an assistant to a mad
scientist. Is the diabolical one at
home?

IGOR
(sobbing)
Master not live here anymore.

BLOB
Oh…well, then may I interest you, sir,
in our transgenic biological gels?
Guaranteed to make any dangerous or
illegal bizarre medical experiments a
success. Why, just look at me sir. I’ve
had all my flesh and muscles genetically
altered and my biological codes
rewritten to sustain myself with the
very gels we produce. I am living proof
of the wonders of modern science. Ta da.

IGOR
Blob selling more gel door to door?

BLOB
Yes sir, I am.

IGOR
Could Blob use assistant?

BLOB
Well, Bio Gelatinous Labs of Toad Suck,
Arkansas is a growing enterprise. We
could always use more good salesmen.

IGOR
Come inside, Mr. Blob. Igor want to join
Bio Gelatinous Labs of Toad Suck,
Arkansas.

BLOB
I believe that can be arranged.

EXT. HOUSE - MID MORNING

The Blob and Igor drive up to the house. Igor now wears a name tag, and sports a suit and tie, which totally fails to make him look fully presentable.

BLOB
Now, allow me to give the pitch, and you
my friend, you can demonstrate the gel’s
many uses. Okay?

IGOR
Okay.

They get out and walk up to the house, ring the doorbell, and a WOMAN comes to the door.

BLOB
Ah, good morning, madam, and what a
lovely day it is. I’m representing the
Bio Gelatinous Labs of Toad Suck,
Arkansas. May I interest you, ma’am,
in our transgenic biological gels?
Guaranteed to make any dangerous or
illegal bizarre medical experiments a
success.

WOMAN
I don’t fiddle with God’s creations,
and neither should you!

BLOB
Our transgenic biological gels are also
useful for a host of many other
applications.

WOMAN
Such as?

BLOB
Such as…uh…a variety of…um…many
household chores?

The Blob grins.

WOMAN
Goodbye!

She’s about to slam the door shut.

BLOB
Wait!

WOMAN
Yes?

She opens the door again.

BLOB
My knowledgeable assistant, Mr. Igor
here, will be glad to fill you in on
the gel’s innumerable uses.

IGOR
Igor will?

BLOB
(whispering)
Yes, Igor will, or Igor unemployed.

WOMAN
I’m waiting.

IGOR
Uh…transgenic gel good for…balloon
animals!

BLOB
What?

WOMAN
Really?

IGOR
Really. If Igor be allowed to
demonstrate.

He grabs the Blob, and starts molding it and twisting it.

BLOB
What the hell are you doing?

IGOR
Igor making sale.

He continues to twist and shape the Blob until…

IGOR
Ta da. Balloon animal. Two ponies in
heat.

He displays the molded Blob. It is, in fact, in the shape of two ponies in a rather risqué arrangement.

WOMAN
That’s disgusting!

IGOR
Wait. Igor do another.

BLOB
No!

He twist and shapes the Blob again. This time he reveals…

IGOR
Corrupt politician banging hot young
secretary over desk!

The Woman faints.

BLOB
Igor?

IGOR
Yes?

BLOB
You’re fired!

(For all fans of "The Fairly Odd Parents, if this had been a movie, I would've had the guy who plays Mark Chang to play The Blob.)

Side Note: We really ought to bring back movies featuring The Blob. Now THAT would be funny.

PS - As you may have noticed, I have FINALLY started using the tags feature. I should've done so from the start, but I didn't know if I'd actually last here at mania or not.

I've devoted this afternoon to re-reading my entries, and giving them tags. Maybe this will make it easier for all of us to ignore them all at once. :)

Update: I can often be oblivious to the obvious, even if it's staring me in the face and screaming at me.

Hey, it happens.

I admitted earlier I'd like to bring back the madness of "Day of the Tentacle" with Igor (as a video game at least), and as I'm about to start sawing my logs last night I decided on the (obvious) "look" of how the comic should be presented.

The original idea for the movie was in black and white as a documentary. Then I felt some of it wouldn't work in black and white, while some would.

I thought about black and white for the comic. No, that wouldn't work on the circus grounds and the vegetarian lions.

So...why not make its look inspired by "Day of the Tentacle?"

Sounds like a plan to me.

Tags: life and times of igor, the blob
 


Igor & "Unskinny Bop"

9/9/2008 12:55:36 PM permalink

Well tomorrow I'll be dialing up Portland, Oregon and the Baker's Mark Literary Agency.

They're the ones who have my 60 page comic book draft of "Life and Times of Igor."

The other day, while skimming the Sunday paper and it's many sales, I came across a Walgreens ad that had what I had originally assumed was Halloween candy on sale.

"They're getting it out early this year," was my original thought.

"Hmm, Halloween. Igor. OOOH!!!"

Okay that last qoute isn't exactly correct, but it just shows my brain works. I saw candy, (Reeses Peanut Butter Cups to be exact) and a neuron fires off.

So in the course of a minute I'd come up with an idea called "Igor's Halloween Havoc," in which Igor and Frankenstein are called upon to do battle with a rival mad scientist who has developed a way to pull the moon closer to the Earth, and shine powerful lights upon it to bring all the werewolves and vampires out of control and under the guy's control.

This would include Dracula (who was last seen in a Mormon Missionary Clinic enjoying electroshock therapy for his addiction to blood) and Mr. Sanderson (the half werewolf, half Jack Russell Terrier) whom Igor had neutered in an earlier installment.

I first told NotAFan about this, and he likes the idea. (I ran it  past him first simply because he's, apparently, a madman like me who enjoys the idea of having fun with the hunchback.)

I went out on my one mile walk this morning, and thought it could either be a comic, a movie, or a video game. I've thought of things that could be done for a game. It'd be fun. It'd be like bringing back the madness of "Maniac Mansion 2: Day of the Tentacle."

Well, to differentiate myself from the upcoming CGI animate Igor movie, here's a scene from the original film script that possibly won't make it into the comic version (if it gets made at all.)

INT. INTERVIEW

Igor reflects.

IGOR
Jail not all bad. Igor get to be with master. That what Igor want. Igor be with master. Master very happy to see Igor. That what important.

NARRATOR (OC)
So, how do you pass the time?

IGOR
Igor sing and dance. Master and Igor entertain cellmates. It’s great fun.


INT. TRANSYLVANIAN JAIL CAFÉ - DAY

Igor has an accordion, and Frankenstein has his usual instruments. They’re in the middle of an unlikely song to be playing with such equipment. Both sing as best as possible.

IGOR
Unskinny bop!

DR. FRANKENSTEIN
Just blows me away, yeah.

IGOR
Unskinny bop, bop!

DR. FRANKENSTEIN
All night and day!

IGOR
Unskinny bop, bop, bop, bop!

DR. FRANKENSTEIN
She just loves to play!

IGOR & DR. FRANKENSTEIN
Unskinny bop, nothing more to say.

Tags: life and times of igor, unskinny bop, igors halloween havoc
 


WTF? IT'S ELVIS!!!!

9/6/2008 6:01:34 AM permalink

You know, I was just skimming through the copyright records at the Library Of Congress, looking for my own bad self, and somehow came upon this.

http://www.copyright.gov/help/faq/faq-protect.html#elvis

Tags: elvis, copyrights
 


GB III And Beyond

9/5/2008 9:54:43 AM permalink

I'm still not thrilled with the idea that a new Ghost Busters wouldn't be written by Ramis and Aykroyd. Hell, Aykroyd came up with the idea cause a relative of his is an actual ghost hunter.

Plus Ramis is the skeptic, and doesn't believe a word of this subject, but he goes along with it and together they've come up with two good movies, and the new game that...well isn't it supposed to take place in the early 90's?

There's a lot of things that COULD be done, but I doubt they would. I love the folklore and legends, and there's plenty tales to be found. I'm still curious about their original concept that said "Hell can hold no more beings, so they're busting out all over the place."

Going to hell wouldn't be a good idea, but that was suggested.

I've had plenty of ghostly experiences, I coaxed supernatural stories out of my friends who (especially one) weren't busting with enthusiasm to tell their encounters.

But here are a few things that the new movie COULD follow up on. If they don't, well someone else could do it.

CHURCHYARD WATCHER: This is the spirit of the person most recently buried in a cemetery. They are unable to move on, until another person is buried, and it is their duty to watch over the graveyard until someone new is placed in the ground to take their place.

In the past when this legend was popular, two separate funeral processions would turn to fighting so their beloved relative wouldn't be the one that isn't allowed to move on.

A variation of the WATCHER is the figure known as the ANKOU. It's said those that it lays its hands upon are doomed to die or that the Ankou will scythe anyone down who comes within its reach.

Possible plotline: what if the last person to die is buried, and it turns out they are the last one to be buried in that cemetery and then the graveyard is abandoned to move to a new plot of land? The Ankou could seek out and kill people in an effort for them to take their place.

CROSSROADS: A place where two ley lines (or more) cross and form a particular power point. All sorts of ghost lights and such are seen here. Hell, we've got one not too terribly far from where I live, called the Spooksville Triangle. Along one stretch of road, lights bob and float, chase cars and run from those that pursue it. Lots of people have tried explaining it, no one's ever done it.

(That's because they don't know WHAT it is. I'm the only one in the area who has suggested it's a ley line running through the area. The rest think I'm just nuts.)

DOPPLEGANGERS: These are the images of a person seen by another living person. Often it's felt these are forewarnings of death.

BLEED THROUGHS: This is an interesting phenomenon, where time and space seem to silently change and you suddenly find yourself both in the same spot, but in a different era. This has happened at Versailles, where two women were walking along some 20 - 30 years ago, then they stumbled upon one of these and the whole of reality shifted as if it had taken them back in time a few hundred years. People in period dress, going about their business.

You also get this at Gettysburg. Some visiting dignitaries were seeing the battlefield for the first time on their own, and saw what they thought was a re-enactment of the actual battle. How accurate it was, they proclaimed. Then they go back to the vistor's area or wherever and complimented the staff on the re-enactment.

There was no dramatization going on, nor was anyone preparing for one.

There are (lots) of other topics I could cover, but I'd be at it all day.

I will say this: I hope, if they do make a new one, it stays much more grounded in reality like the first 2 were. Although, could we stop making poor Dana Barrett the victim here? Sure when it all goes to hell, everyone's affected, but it always starts with Dana.

I also don't want to see a younger cast, but I also don't know how we'd reunite the guys. Ramis looks like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Dan Aykroyd's not far behind. Ernie Hudson needs a much bigger role and Bill Murray may not do it, cause he always wanted to kill Venkman off.

One day, maybe next year, I still hope to assemble a collection of local ghost stories for a book I hope to publish. These are some of the places here in Arkansas I could visit, and the goings on there.

http://theshadowlands.net/places/arkansas.htm

And where's the new game at? I really shouldn't be asking, as I never managed to beat the first two versions for Nintendo.

Oh well.

It's all good.

(PS: If you're interested, go pick up a copy of "The Encyclopedia of Ghosts And Spirits" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley, or one of her associated books. The one concerning "Witches and Witchcraft" is particularly interesting. I wouldn't necessarily recommend the book "Ghosts" by Hans Holzer, though.)

(PPS - I hope this works THIS time. With my luck I'll get 3 versions of this blog and no way to delete the extras. It's been a bit twitchy here last day or two for me.)

Tags: ghostbusters, ghosts
 


As Seen On TV

9/3/2008 6:18:40 AM permalink

I was flipping through the channels yesterday, and stumbled across the big screen version of "The Beverly Hillbillies."

And, you know, truth be told, I think it is likely the best big screen adaptation of a television show. (And I mean sitcoms, not stuff like "Firefly," "Star Trek," or "X-Files.")

My dad is always watching the old show of the Hillbillies. That and Andy Griffith. (Thank god we haven't had a movie made for Mayberry.)

Let's face it, Hollywood has long been out of ideas, so they mine stuff from the past and, for the most part, get it completely wrong. "Bewitched," anyone? "Starsky And Hutch?" "Charlie's Angels?" "Mission: Impossible?" All crappers.

But, somehow, someway, "The Beverly Hillbillies" escaped unscathed. Sure they made their little modifications. Namely changing the Clampett's home from the Appalachian Mountains to Arkansas.

(Danger, entering a side note:)

And, truth be told, I haven't seen an outhouse here in probably 20 - 25 years. (Which is a good thing. They're scary as hell, when you're a kid. My grandpa had one when I was a kid. No running water, no plumbing of any kind. I guess he felt he'd lasted 60 years or so without it, he didn't need it now.)

(Oh yeah, another side note: electricity didn't reach this area but just a few short 40 - 50 years ago. Now you know why I complain a lot about resources here.)

I also don't know if there's an "Oxford," Arkansas, but I do know there's a town called Toad Suck.

Well, all of this aside, I can think of a television show I'd like to see be remade: "Hogan's Heroes."

I love "Hogan's Heroes," as much as "M*A*S*H. I also know the Germans were not that stupid. But it's fun anyways.

So Hollywood, if you're listening, find someone to remake "Hogan's Heroes." Get the team that did "Beverly Hillbillies."

Set it towards the end of WWII. Have Hogan and his men escape, while Col. Klink and Schultz defect to America. After all, they weren't the most loyal of the Fuhrer's men.

And, remember, I know nothing! Nothing!

Now I present to you the opportunity: Which show would you like to see be remade, and how?

 


Beware Of Good Ideas (or) Go Super Panties, Go!

8/31/2008 1:42:24 PM permalink

DISCLAIMER: I've had a lot of Grape Kool Aid today, so I'm most likely not in my right mind. This happens often, especially when I get chocolate ice cream from Braums. That's how my sketch "The Remains Of Babe Ruth..." was created. It was funny for a day, and then it died...at least for me. My friends still get a kick out of it though. Not entirely sure why.

I'm weary of good ideas, because they always cause me the most trouble.

One case in point: The Life and Times of Igor. Back in 2004, when I first came up with the project (after being inspired by some mysterious force while watching reruns of M*A*S*H), I had no idea I'd be spending the next 4 years of my life trying to get the damned thing made in one fashion or another.

2004 was a good year for good ideas to be weary of. That was also the year the WGA could've gone on strike, not to mention there was Mel Gibson's movie about some guy called Jesus who went and died on two planks of wood. Something like that, didn't catch the name of the movie.

I took those two ideas, (and since there's a lot of religious madness in parts of my family,) I immediately took it upon myself to make grand proclamations about a new porno movie coming out called The Passion Of Chris!

The tagline was "feel his passion," or something like that. I'd go on to describe the poster as having some good looking guy tied up to two planks of wood, with a naughty smile on his face, etc.

I'd also described it as the final 12 hours of Chris' virginity.

The thing is, the joke was supposed to end RIGHT THERE That was it, all over, said and done.

But I couldn't let the damned thing rest. No, it was too much of a good idea. So one Monday morning I sat down and concocted this story of a mainstream writerdirector who ends up doing porno movies to pay the bills.

The script went out, and not a single person even dignified it with any kind of response. (Although looking back now I realize they were in de facto strike mode, but even after the new contract was signed no one bothered say a word on the subject.)

So "The Passion of Chris," and it's intended sequel "The Next Temptation of Chris," was shelved.

I did revisit the idea of reworking the movie, and even came up with a new way of promoting it:

In 2004, a Jew hater made a movie about a bunch of self loathing Jews who went around, got real angry, and decided to kill the head Jew.

Another good idea. Guess what happened to it.

So here I am, facing another good idea. It's the bit about "Go Super Panties, Go!" I'm sure you already figured that one out.

But I must backtrack.

When I first started researching what would become The Passion Of Chris, I discovered the Adult Video News. It had movie trailers, it had gossip about its stars, it hyped the latest projects, and it also had things of real concern, such as the topics of AIDS, safe sex, the notion of "how far is too far?" and so on.

The AVN also described how one starlet visited a fan of hers that was in the hospital. (True story. I have the article here on my computer still.) There were articles on the issues of Freedom of Speech and how the police were raiding legitimate businesses and arresting people who both worked there and were browsing the aisles.

In short, it wasn't just about playing hide the salami, it was a real business, with real people, facing real issues and hazards of their own. And that served as a real means of telling a wacky story. It's the human side of what we'd normally see as just a smutty business.

And I was hooked.

On AVN's website there were trailers from what would become my beloved Digital Playground, an adult business ran by women no less. I devoted one morning to downloading one trailer (which must've taken an hour, damned dial up service) and was amazed that not only did it have a real story, not only did it have decent lighting and camera framing, but it was also in the widescreen format. Porn had caught up with mainstream Hollywood, and that also played a huge factor in how I went about writing "Chris."

That, and the fact Janet Jackson had lost her top and everyone was becoming frigid so I wanted the "out there" comedy that wasn't afraid of an accidental loss of clothing.

Every so often I check in on Digital Playground to see what they're up to. Last year, or the year before...can't remember when it was exactly...DP released what was called the biggest adult production in all of history, and it was called PIRATES.

That sucked me in. It had a real and true professional script. It had an abundance of CGI animation. It had great sets, honorable costumes (while they stayed on at least) and even a Hollywood premiere on the big screen and an edited release for the mainstream dvd market.

Digital Playground had taken naughty movies to a whole new level. And they're doing it again: this September PIRATES 2 will be released. Again, with the grandiose sets, script, settings, and costumes...while they stay on, of course.
I haven't seen the trailer (goddamned dial up service) but I have seen the behind the scenes images posted on their website.

And I'm amazed.

It must be like when Peter Jackson realized "anything is possible" and he set out to make "Lord of the Rings." Well, now it seems anything is possible in smutty town, which brings me to today.

Superheroes amaze me: Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Superman, and so on.

So why haven't we had a superhero porno movie yet? Let's face it, superheroes are sex symbols, whether we want to admit it or not. Wonder Woman's super panties have gotten smaller as the years have gone by. Don't believe me? Compare the tv show to more modern incarnations of her uniform.

Supergirl wears very short skirts, yet I don't really know why to be honest. And Superman...well, how do I put this? He's not exactly fond of boxers, if you know what I mean.

So, just like Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is being remade, maybe I can pitch the idea of a super hero porno movie to Digital Playground, starring Jesse Jane. (I insist on Jesse Jane...because she's, you know, like talented and stuff.)

And why not? They've got 2 pretty reasonable adult features under their belt. They've got movies like "Cheerleaders" and "Babysitters" sitting on shelves of adult book shops, not to mention the "Island Fever" series.

Beware of good ideas. They're usually only good for about a week, if that, and then I turn around and wonder "what the hell was I thinking?"

PS: I think someone should go knock on the doors of Arkham Asylum, to see if MxM is there. He's been awfully quiet lately, and it makes me wonder if Christian Bale finally caught up with him.

PPS: I'll provide the link, if anyone's intrested. I don't have to remind you it is, most defenitely, NSFW. 

http://www.piratesxxx.com/pirates2/index_home.html

Tags: pirates, life and times of igor, digital playground, the passion of chris
 


Will Superman Return (Again)?

8/23/2008 6:01:04 AM permalink

DISCLAIMER: I should state here I'm not a walking encyclopedia on Superman. I have seen the movies. I tune in for Smallville and own the dvd sets. I also own a few copies of the Death Of Superman comics. I was also a fan of "Lois And Clark" back in the 90's.

And that's it.

I'm not pretending to say "oh I'm a know it all and I'm so much wiser than the lot of you and therefore I know what should become of Superman."

In a sense, concerning the mythology, I know nothing. As a self taught screenwriterstoryteller, I know story arcs, development, and prefer craftsmanship over running from plot point to plot point.

I also don't claim to be the best when it comes to crafting a story, so just stick around. I know what I like and works best for me and my work, though.

Now read on....

I only just now read the article (and responses) for Warner Bros. rebooting Superman. I, too, feel it's a bad idea. I just don't like the idea of rebooting anything, that's sort of like cheating, or a 5 year old throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way.

I don't see how you can make Superman darker? How can you be dark when you're in a big red cape and tight blue pajamas with your equally red knickers out for the whole world to see?

We're getting a general theme in moviestelevision where "darker is better." I don't buy that. I won't deny a darker tone can help set a certain ambience and psychology about any given project, but it always comes down to the story, stupid.

If all you have is a mood, you've got very little to offer. It's like rap music: if all you've got is the beat of a flat tire doing 35 down the interstate, well it's just not music.

Any psychological turmoil shouldn't come from the Superman aspect, I say. It should come, obviously, from Clark Kent. Beat up the man, not the icon.

Honestly, consider your day to day lives: disasters happen, drugs are founds, people are lost, etc. Now ask yourself, if you could fly away, would you? Wouldn't Superman be your way of flying away from your miserable existence? To feel something resembling happiness again?

What if Clark's so lost in his depressions or whatever he just gets tired of living up to everyone else's expectations and says "to hell with this" and goes into a self imposed exile?

And then after he wises up he comes back better than ever.

Now I know this isn't an original story arc. But, honestly, can you tell me when you last saw one? We all are aware they're just doing this cause MOODY = MONEY. When the formula reads SHINY = MONEY, you know that's the direction it would go.
To me Clark would be more interesting. (And I don't want whiny like poor miserable Peter Parker, boo hooing all the damned time about Mary Jane, about school, work, etc.)

And while Clark's off being all dark and moody, Supergirl can take care of things.

Help, Supergirl! I can't get my pants off! The zipper's stuck!

Tags: superman
 


Desdemona's Building A Rocket Ship (And Other Fun Tales)

8/19/2008 9:56:55 AM permalink

Where has all the genuine light hearted madness (and madmenwomen) gone?

These days I find myself looking for the fun I used to have and the madness that followed 15 years ago.

31 is creeping up on me, and although I do not worry about it, I find myself these days rediscovering the energy of the past that brought about the laughter.

The tones may have changed, but it's essentially stayed the same.

From a far away state headed to me came a note in that old melody: Wave Race 64. It arrived in my mailbox yesterday, and the bouncing waves and tropical settings just set off the usual island lust I display in my shirts, my music, my laid back attitude (which has become more prevailing while my more neurotic hyped up side has calmed down quite a bit), and, yes, the occasional interest in smutty films starring Jesse Jane that just happened to be filmed in places like Bora Bora.

(As a side note, when Hollywood has been extra quiet on certain occasions, I have tried writing for Digital Playground. They need movie scripts too, but apparently not mine. Probably just as well.)

The title of this wandering bit of fluff is named after a chapter in the Jimmy Buffett novel "Where Is Joe Merchant?" You always know a good idea when you first seehearread it, because you (as a writer) instantly become envious that you didn't think of it first, and you're kicking yourself for not being as clever as you think you are.

"Desdemona was a woman with a mission. She was up with the sun. There was no lounging in bed or drifting off to catch a few more winks. She was building a rocket ship.

"It was not exactly the line of work you would expect a former rock 'n' roll background singer and part-time cookie baker to be tackling. She had made Ds in science back in her high school days, but as of late she had become hopelessly entwined in some kind of puzzle that now had her aiming at the stars..."

...so reads the first two paragraphs of that chapter. Buffett goes on to describe the ship is named the Cosmic Muffin.

I first read that, laughed out loud, and wished I thought of it. And then followed the usual why can't I come up with something like that?

I've often wanted to turn to the tropics and add in my lazy days attitude and just have a free for all story involving something like that. But instead of trying to mine something in that vein, I immediately look in the opposite direction because I do my stuff, not me impersonating what others are doing.

I have a great interest in fiction that's set in South Florida, yet I don't know why.

I've never been to Florida. But I've read Dave Barry's novels "Big Trouble" and "Tricky Business," the first of which was better received by audiences. Barry fell victim to the "second outing curse" in a sense. (Although the bit about Harold Tutter introducing himself every 15 seconds to everyone cause he can't remember anything for over that amount of time was finely crafted.)

I look at Carl Hiassen's books with awe. I know there's a lot of fun going on in those pages, yet I haven't gone on a shopping spree to collect them all. The same goes for Elmore Leonard.

Fate must feel I have to stay put here in Arkansas, cause she knows should I dip my waters with dolphins swimming around me, I'll never come back. Fate says finish the damned scripts. There'll be plenty of time for that later.

My come back is always to hell with that. There's bouncing blue waters cresting on island shores. And there's plans to film Island Fever 5 - 9 here over the coming weeks. Screw you and your post it notes.

This area I'm in is a good place to live: blue skies stretch from high tree top from high tree top. There's an abundance of wildlife here, including all the squirrels, deer, my own cats, countless birds, tons of butterflies, and various other critters that come and go.

After it rains a good healthy downpour, you'd almost swear this is a rainforest I'm walking through.

It's also funny when townies hear about this place. I was once asked "you live the furthest out among us, was there snow out your way? Do you have problems getting to town?"

My answer was quite succinct: "yes it snowed, my roads are covered, and the only place I'm likely to encounter dangerous slippery roads is when I'm going through Frog Hollow."

"Frog Hollow?" Oh how the townies laughed. Yes, Frog Hollow. It's a nice little area that can be a bad spot in ice.

Desdemona's still working on her rocket ship. Dr. J. is on C-Island uncovering alien influences in "Startropics." There's gossip on the Coconut Telegraph and the controls of a Kawasaki jet ski are in the palm of my hand but I'm landlocked in front of my tv.

Even so, it's still all good.

*Post Script: yes, this is very much outside the Mania Stream. Every so often, just for fun, I put together these one sided conversations. They're far from important, not meant to start discussions, and so on.

These are subtle clues to see how my brain works (or doesn't) and what influences it.

I've also been known to refer to these as "Random Assemblages Of Nothing." Just a bunch of stuff thrown together and mixed all up in a somewhat incoherent form intended to get it out of my system.

Tags: my life
 


Igor Joins The Cult - Excerpt from "Life\Times of Igor"

8/9/2008 5:51:46 PM permalink

It's a slow rainy afternoon.

(IT'S FINALLY RAINING! 2 MONTHS WITHOUT A DROP FROM THE HEAVENS! Guess I won't have to sacrifice any more virgins upon my bed...uh, altar.)

As I was saying, it's raining, Link is currently snoring in my N64 memory card, and the day is winding down.

And, since I must be either an attention whore or I'm trying to build a "following," here comes another bit of the comic adaptation of The Life And Times of Igor.

Igor's talents were on display at the high school science fair, and he came in second. A man known only as the Grand High Mystic has recruited Igor into his organization. (read: cult.)

And now we find Igor beginning his first day at the Temple of Scienceology.

EXT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - MORNING

On top of the temple, a large neon sign reads SCIENCEOLOGY. NOT A CULT. Then, the lights fizzle and the word NOT stops glowing. It officially reads A CULT now.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - LOBBY - MORNING

Igor steps in, and finds a LADY RECEPTIONIST with a zoned out look and an aluminum foil hat on her head.


LADY RECEPTIONIST
How may I help you fight the alien overlords?

IGOR
Igor here to see Grand High Mystic. Igor offered job.

LADY RECEPTIONIST
I see. One moment please.

She places her hands on her head, and has a new zoned out look.

IGOR
What lady doing?

LADY RECEPTIONIST
I’m calling the Grand High Master through the alien messaging service.

IGOR
Well, okay.

LADY RECEPTIONIST
Would you like a tin foil hat? It keeps the brain eating viruses out.

IGOR
Igor fine, thanks.

NARRATOR O.P.
This should've been the first sign of danger, but for Igor, it was just a casual curiosity. When the Grand High Mystic arrived for Igor, they took him around to a special interviewing room, where after many humiliating tests and electrical experiments, they decided Igor would best be suited to work in the basement.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - ELEVATOR - NOON

The Grand High Mystic and Igor step into a small elevator.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
After you, young man.

IGOR
Okay.

Igor steps in, then the Grand High Mystic, and then the doors close.

IGOR
What in basement?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Something very special. You'll fit in quite well. What do you know about the brain Igor?

IGOR
Igor know lots about brains. Igor made Uncle Joe think he chicken.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Really? How? Hypnotism?

IGOR
No. Igor put brain of chicken in Uncle Joe. It funny. Well, it was funny until he starting laying eggs. There also time Igor put another brain in upside down. It was accident.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
What happened then?

IGOR
Uncle Joe began voting Republican.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Oh.
(thinking)
YES!!!
(then)
Dear god, what's that smell?

He looks down at Igor.

IGOR
Sorry.

He pulls out a jar of formaldehyde.

IGOR
Igor have to carry formaldehyde just in case arm or hand fall off.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
I see.

A DING is heard, and then the elevator doors open. Both step out into the basement.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - BASEMENT - CONTINUED

A large cavernous room. Fairly dark. Lots of chairs like you'd find in a barber shop. Lots of mops and such. Lots of shelves, with brains in jars.

IGOR
Where Igor?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Igor, this is your personal work space.

IGOR
What those?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Those are the brains of those who are...uh...members of our organization.

IGOR
What Igor do with them?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Simple. You keep them clean.

IGOR
How?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
With these.

He holds up a mop, a bucket, and a liquid substance called BRAIN-O.

NARRATOR O.P.
And so Igor professional life began as the Head Brainwasher of the Scienceology Temple.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Oh, one more thing Igor.

IGOR
Yes?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
You will refer to me as master. You
got that?

IGOR
Igor understand.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Ah, ah. What was that?

IGOR
Igor understand, master.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
If you need anything, just buzz me via the intercom. See you at the company picnic.

Tags: life and times of igor
 


TDK CURSED? - Curse Of The Dark Knight! (Oooh It's Spooky!!!)

8/9/2008 4:59:26 AM permalink

Here we go again with the paranoia.

It's very observant paranoia, but paranoia it remains.

The other day I hear on the Republican News Network (oops I'm sorry FOX NEWS,) that fans are starting to suspect a DARK KNIGHT CURSE!!!

First Heath Ledger dies from his performance as the Joker (or that's how they want to spin it. The fans not Fox.)

Then Morgan Freeman has his accident.

Christian Bale is beating up his mother and sister.

And something else...it involved a woman I think.

So now the fear factor has kicked in, and it's said the 400 mark is balanced out by all these tragedies.

Frankly, if you believe that, you're nuts.

I will say this, though: The Dark Knight is to guys as what Titanic is for girls.

No, I'm not afraid to go there.

Girls went back over and over to watch Leo Dicaprio run around, be pretty, and then die at the end.

Guys...well...you're getting your kicks in a very similar way.

I admit I haven't seen TDK and most likely won't until it comes out on dvd...if even then. I've stated I would like to see it, if only for Ledger's performance.

It's just another comic book movie to me.

(Okay, I'll give it the credit it's due -- it's much better than the standard comic book movie. I find Hulk and Iron Man laughable. I groaned at X-Men when it left me feeling empty. And I can't properly judge Superman Returns cause, well, I saw it on a full screen dvd and I was immediately biased against that.)

But I've never really been a fan of comics, although I've got plenty of opinions on movies. I liked Tim Burton's incarnations of Batman, thought George Clooney was a joke, and still have no desire to see Batman Begins.
Oh well.

As for the curse of this movie, and the one of Poltergeist, just stop the nonsense.

Next thing we'll hear is the curse of Indy 4 or Transformers since Shia had his unfortunate accident.

(I updated this title due to a very good point from Mxm. I probably should've thought of that.)

Tags: curse, dark knight
 



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StarlightGuard
Date Joined: March 17, 2008

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