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The Undiscovered Gate Which Leads Towards Galileo's Celestial Garden

A Place For Opinions, Parodies, Wild Accusations, Plus Cinematic And Worldly Reflections.

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Sons of Fortune Excerpt: An Army Of Bunnies

8/5/2008 5:39:05 PM permalink

Inspiration's a funny thing. It can come from anywhere: a random comment, a passing thought, one crazy messed up dream you had the night before.

What follows is the result of two things: a source of inspiration (which oddly enough was a crazy messed up dream), and another was the usual hopes, wishes, and goals one sets out to achieve.

In this case, the goal was simple: sell a script. The inspiration: a truly messed up dream I had in which I commanded an army of rabbits and we set out to invade and destroy Fayetteville, Arkansas.

No, I am not making that up. Yes, I likely should see a shrink. I woke up the next morning, going "what the hell was that?" Then I thought about it some more, laughed, and wrote it down as a plot device.

The script "Sons of Fortune" has been abandoned, and will be cannibalized for it's better aspects, but for the most part it's a lost cause. The good bits may appear in "Summertime Blues 2 - Cruel Summer."

What follows is the scene involving bunny commandos.


EXT. HOLLYWOOD ANIMALS INC. - LATE MORNING

Travis and Nicholas drive up.

NICHOLAS
What are we doing here?

TRAVIS
You’ll see. Come on.

They get out.


INT. HOLLYWOOD ANIMALS INC. - MOMENTS LATER

Travis and Nicholas step inside and are sat down in a waiting room.

NICHOLAS
I don’t see how visiting a petting zoo
is going to get me an agent.

TRAVIS
It will. First we need to see the
Rabbit Whisperer.

NICHOLAS
The what?

TRAVIS
There’s a guy here who trains rabbits.
The other agent I overheard last night
was going on about how he’s allergic to
rabbits. We’re going to hire the Rabbit
Whisperer to help us persuade the agent
to sign you.

NICHOLAS
How did you find out about this guy?

TRAVIS
The Hollywood Reporter. When you see
him, don’t make any sudden movements
around him. Or his rabbits, for that
matter. They’re as crazy as he is.

NICHOLAS
What?

TRAVIS
Shush. Here he comes.

The RABBIT WHISPERER comes in. He’s an eccentric looking fellow.

RABBIT WHISPERER
I’m told you would like my assistance
with a project of yours.

TRAVIS
Yes.

RABBIT WHISPERER
And why should I want to help you?

TRAVIS
Because, our target...hates rabbits. We
want to convert him. We’re...from the
Church of Rabbitology.

RABBIT WHISPERER
Oh! The chance to convert a heretic!
How I have been waiting for this
opportunity! Tonight, the crusades to
win back a soul will begin! Here, I
must introduce you to my fluffy
warriors! Come with me. Don’t be shy.


EXT. HOLLYWOOD ANIMALS INC. - MOMENTS LATER

The Rabbit Whisperer leads them to the rabbit pens, which is substantial. There must be hundreds of rabbits here.

RABBIT WHISPERER
I’ve selected the best of the best to
lead this mission. Allow me to introduce
to you my beloved ones.

He leads the boys from pen to pen, introducing them to the rabbits inside. They all wear bandanas. Some smoke cigarettes.

RABBIT WHISPERER
This one is Attila. This beauty, of
course, is Genghis. Here we have
Rasputin. This adorable little boy is
Damien. And, the most vicious one of
all: Fuzzy.

NICHOLAS
Fuzzy?

RABBIT WHISPERER
Don’t make fun of his name. He doesn’t
like it.

NICHOLAS
Yeah...okay.
(to Fuzzy)
Who’s a good little bunny? Huh? You
are! You are, aren’t you little Fuzzy
wuzzy bunny?

Fuzzy the bunny goes insane, howling, and starts trying to gnaw open a hole in his cage.

TRAVIS
Holy shit.

RABBIT WHISPERER
Now you’ve done it!

Fuzzy the bunny manages to cut through his cage, leaps out on the ground, and starts attacking Travis and Nicholas. The boys run away with a manic rabbit hopping after them. The Rabbit Whisperer runs after them with a net.

RABBIT WHISPERER
FUZZY, MY BELOVED! COME BACK!

Travis and Nicholas jump into the car. Fuzzy the bunny hops up after them, and starts nibbling on the tires.

TRAVIS
Oh hell.

NICHOLAS
What’s going on?

TRAVIS
He’s nibbling on the tire!

The sudden deflation of a tire causes the car to go down.

TRAVIS
He chewed right through it!

NICHOLAS
Drive! Drive!

Suddenly, another tire goes flat. Nicholas looks over the door, and sees the bunny hopping to the front of the car.

TRAVIS
Where’d he go?

Fuzzy the bunny hops up on the hood of the car. It sits there, silently, daring the boys to move. The Rabbit Whisperer comes running up with a carrot.

RABBIT WHISPERER
You must apologize to Fuzzy.

TRAVIS
We’re sorry!

NICHOLAS
We surrender! I mean, sorry! We’re
sorry! I’m sorry, aren’t you sorry?

TRAVIS
Very sorry! Just get him off the car!

RABBIT WHISPERER
(to Fuzzy)
They didn’t mean it, Fuzzy.
(to Travis)
I’ll see about getting you boys some
new tires.


EXT. ALLERGIC AGENT’S OFFICES - THAT NIGHT

It’s a nice quiet night. Only one light is on, and that is in the office of the Allergic Agent himself. Travis, Nicholas, and the Rabbit Whisperer wear night vision goggles, and other high tech equipment. They’re on the roof, about to break in through the roof, Mission Impossible style.

TRAVIS
I’ve disabled the security system.

NICHOLAS
This is going to end badly, I just know
it.

RABBIT WHISPERER
Silence. Fuzzy’s about to open the doors.

Outside, four hundred bunnies, all dressed up as Rambo, are hopping towards the agency. Fuzzy leads the pack. He begins gnawing on the glass doors, which shatter and open a path for the vigilante rabbits.


INT. ALLERGIC AGENT’S OFFICES - SECOND LATER

Travis has broken in. All three slide down black ropes from the roof. Nicholas lands a little too hard, his screenplay following fast as it lands on his face. The bunnies are taking their places inside the building.

RABBIT WHISPERER
Come, my furry fiends, to war! To war!

The bunnies follow the Rabbit Whisperer through the building.


INT. ALLERGIC AGENT’S OFFICES - MAIN OFFICE - SECONDS LATER

The Allergic Agent goes about his business. He sneezes. In the air ducts, the Rabbit Whisperer and a few bunnies make their way to the air intake vent.

RABBIT WHISPERER
On three. One. Two. Three!

The vent drops open. The Rabbit Whisperer falls onto the floor, as does the rabbits.

ALLERGIC AGENT
What the hell’s going on here?

Nicholas and Travis are following an army of bunnies as they hop into the main office.

TRAVIS
Going somewhere?

ALLERGIC AGENT
I’m calling security.

He turns to his desk. There’s half a dozen bunnies on it, and they’re chewing through the phone cord. He sneezes when he sees the bunnies. In fact, he can barely speak cause he’s sneezing so much.

ALLERGIC AGENT
Get...those...rabbits...out...of...here!

NICHOLAS
On one condition!

ALLERGIC AGENT
What?

TRAVIS
Read this man’s screenplay!

He points to Nicholas, who holds up a copy of the script.

ALLERGIC AGENT
I’d...sooner...die!

He runs to the window. There’s bunnies in the window, and all over the landscape. The Allergic Agent then tries to crawl up in the ducts, but there’s more bunnies in there.

NICHOLAS
ATTACK!

The Rabbit Whisperer and Travis run to the Allergic Agent, and knock him down to the ground. They hold him down.

ALLERGIC AGENT
What...are...you...going...to...do...to...me?

TRAVIS
Nothing, so long as you read this man’s
screenplay.

ALLERGIC AGENT
Never!

He manages to get up, and runs to another office.

TRAVIS
After him.

RABBIT WHISPERER
Come with me, Fuzzy.

Travis, Fuzzy, and the Rabbit Whisperer start beating on the door to the office.


INT. ALLERGIC AGENT’S OFFICES - OFFICE - SECONDS LATER

He locks himself in it. He takes out his cellphone, and dials 911.

OPERATOR
(on phone)
911. What is your emergency?

ALLERGIC AGENT
I’m being held hostage. Help me!

Fuzzy manages to eat through the door. The Rabbit Whisperer crashes through it. Nicholas comes in and grabs an especially cute and fluffy bunny. He carries it over to the Allergic Agent, and straddles him.

NICHOLAS
We have ways of making you read
unsolicited material!

He rubs the bunny up against the Allergic Agent’s nose. The Allergic Agent sneezes and sneezes.

ALLERGIC AGENT
FINE! FINE! I’LL READ YOUR SCRIPT!

NICHOLAS
That’s all I wanted. Let him up.

Travis and the Rabbit Whisperer help the Allergic Agent to his feet.

TRAVIS
Thanks man.

RABBIT WHISPERER
(to Nicholas)
When are we converting him to the
Church of Rabbitology?

ALLERGIC AGENT
What was that?

TRAVIS
Nothing! Must be going now!

RABBIT WHISPERER
But...?

Travis pushes him out. All three of them leave, with the bunnies following. Then the police arrive.

NICHOLAS
Oh this can’t be good.

Countless cars and various helicopters arrive on the scene. Nicholas and Travis disappear into the building before being seen. The POLICE CHIEF steps out of his car.

POLICE CHIEF
Hold it right there!

RABBIT WHISPERER
Fuzzy, attack!

Fuzzy runs towards the Police Officer, who just shoots the poor rabbit.

RABBIT WHISPERER
Fuzzy! No!!!

He turns, and runs inside the building. He then brings the Allergic Agent out, holding a bunny to his head.

ALLERGIC AGENT
Help me!

RABBIT WHISPERER
This man is coming with me!

On the opposite side of the building, Travis and Nicholas run desperately into the darkness.

NICHOLAS
I think we can scratch him off our
list.

TRAVIS
What gave it away?

They get to their car which is hidden in some alley. They jump in and drive off.


EXT. LOCAL PUB - LATE EVENING

Travis and Nicholas drive up, get out, and go inside.


INT. LOCAL PUB - MOMENTS LATER

Travis and Nicholas are downing their drinks. Nicholas uses a copy of his script as a coaster.

BARMAN
Son, you sure you want do to that to
your script?

NICHOLAS
Well, I might as well get some use out
of it. After all, it’s not worth
anything to me right now.

BARMAN
Still not having any luck, I take it.

TRAVIS
You could say that.

On the television, a live report comes from the Paranoid Agent’s office.

ANCHOR WOMAN
(on tv)
It seems a madman and four hundred
rabbits have taken a man hostage.

RABBIT WHISPERER
(on tv)
Vengeance is mine, sayeth Fuzzy!

Nicholas groans as he sees the cops negotiating with the Rabbit Whisperer on the television.

NICHOLAS
Please, shut that off.

The Barman does so.



PS - Note to mania, do you need a whacked out nut job on your staff? :) Don't know what I'd be able to contribute, but hey at least you know I not only think outside the box, I fold it up, spray whipped cream on it, and eat it like it's dessert.

Tags: sons of fortune
 


Indy 5: What Should It Be?

8/3/2008 8:07:56 AM permalink

When Jarrod wrote his article on the concept of an Indiana Jones 5, all hell seemed to break loose.

Which is a good thing. We're all fans, we all want to see Indy go in a certain direction, even if we don't all agree what that direction should be.

I wrote my "Open Letter" to George Lucas, and Jarrod read it and completely disagreed with every inch of it.

Again, fine. Hell I've even invited him to be my friend on this mad mixed up site. (Don't be afraid, I'm keeping the Tree People at bay.)

And he's probably not the only one who said "that's a stupid idea" when reading my suggestion.

So let's list a few things Indy COULD go looking for to keep out of the Russian's hands. It's not a definitive list, I admit, but there's always possibilities.

Some of these topics I've already written about in my nearly finished "Interesting Times" series, and some are topics I will never cover. Some are options left open. Some are intentionally preposterous: there's no way they'd make it as an Indy movie plot.

Shambhala

The Fountain Of Youth

AtlantisLemuria

Solomon's Ring

Easter Island

Stonehenge

The 3 Cauldrons Of Inspiration

The Garden Of Eden

AveburyGlastonburyAvalon

Macchu Picchu

Screaming skulls (not the Crystal skulls, these are human skulls that shriek when they leave their places of burial)

Egypt

Spock (for those of you who haven't seen more than half of Star Trek 3)

Shroud of Turin (It's not real, the one hanging up in Italy. Just so you know that.)

Jimmy Hoffa

The Bermuda TriangleDragon's Triangle

KFC's Secret Blend of Sauces and Spices

James Dean's cursed car The Little Bastard (I'm only adding this one cause I love the story. No, Indy shouldn't go looking for the remains of this Spyder Porsche.

There's a few more topics out there of mystery...suggest them if you want. I'm quite certain I didn't mention them all.

Tags: indiana jones, george lucas
 


An Excerpt From "Summertime Blues:" Shutting Down Happy Chicken

7/31/2008 11:02:01 AM permalink

For the longest time I've jealously guarded my over the top, high school comedy.

I do so because, for over ten years now, I've been working on it, changing it, updating it, polishing it, and so on.

Not because it was BAD, but just to make it BETTER.

I finally got it *right* in the summer of 2005. Finding the hook was exceptionally difficult, yet all the jokes and sequences worked in the various drafts.

What follows is my favorite sequence, which I dreamed up back in 2000. I'd had some crazy notion of all the madness one could pull if they worked at a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

In high school I was the class clown, practical joker, loud mouth loony that Mania never has really experienced.

I wasn't afraid to wear bed sheets as togas every year. I made an ass out of myself at Cinco De Mayo in my 11'th grade year. (Which was caught on tape. It is the only thing I regret from high school)

But, these days, I've calmed down considerably...AND I HATE IT! I told one of my friends a few weeks ago "I can't do that stuff anymore. I have to work up the energy to be hyper these days."

Sad but true. And I'm facing 31. God I wish I was back in high school, simply because it really was the most fun I'd ever had.

(I should also dedicate this blast from the past to that brilliant madman Michael Xavier Maelstrom, you single handedly embody everything me and my friends would pull back in the mid 90's. One day I'll have to tell those stories here.

As for me, I must have gotten old, boring, and I probably complain way too much. Here's to you and to me embracing the madness again and drinking fresh wine from the fountain of youth in a Hooters glass.)

And without further ado, a scene from "Summertime Blues."


EXT. BILLY’S HOUSE - SAME MORNING

Harmony is arriving in her sports car. She knocks on the door. The sound of running feet accompany the door opening and Billy stepping out.

BILLY
Uh…Hi, Harmony.

HARMONY
Hi Billy. I was wondering if you wanted
to go see a movie today.

BILLY
(stunned)
Movie? Uh, yeah. I’d like to go see a
movie.
(then)
You do mean with you, don’t you? You
would be there with me, at the movie?

HARMONY
Well, yeah. So what do you say?

She smiles.

BILLY
Oh, yeah. Sure I’d love to go.

The telephone rings.


BILLY
Just let me get that. Don’t go anywhere.

HARMONY
Okay.

Harmony waits outside.

BILLY (OC)
Hello? Today? Now? But…okay.

We hear something being thrown and glass breaking.

BILLY (OC)
Shit!

Billy steps outside again, pissed.

HARMONY
Is something wrong?

BILLY
Yeah. That bastard down at Happy
Chicken wants me to come in this
morning. Unpaid overtime.

HARMONY
Unpaid? Can’t you do something about it?

BILLY
I’ve tried. The home office just laughs
at me, and no one listens to me about
this power abuse.

HARMONY
Why don’t you just quit?

BILLY
I can’t. I need a new car, desperately.

HARMONY
Well, get a different job.

BILLY
I’ve tried. Nobody’s hiring right now.

HARMONY
Well, I guess the movie will have to
wait. Call me when you’re off. Okay?

BILLY
Okay.

She waves as she leaves. Billy, pissed, goes back inside.

BILLY (OC)
Hello, Stephen? Yeah, meet me at the
bookstore in ten minutes.


EXT. BOOKSTORE - SAME MORNING

Stephen arrives at the bookstore and hops out of his car. Billy’s car is already here.


INT. BOOKSTORE - MOMENTS LATER

Stephen is looking through the aisles. Stephen keeps searching and finds Billy sitting in the floor, one book open in his lap.

STEPHEN
Okay, now what was so important I
come here?

BILLY
This.

He holds up the book for Stephen.

STEPHEN
(reading)
Evil Scheming For Fun And Vengeance?
(then)
Cool.

BILLY
Before the day is over, I’ll no longer
be a Happy Chicken employee.

STEPHEN
Dude, you’ve got the evil eye. What
are you planning?

BILLY
Something special. But first, I’ll need
you to pick up a few things and meet me
at Happy Chicken.

STEPHEN
And what happens then?

BILLY
We close down Happy Chicken by making
sure it fails its health and safety
examination.

STEPHEN
Ooh, now we’re talking.


INT. SUPERMARKET - LATE MORNING

Stephen is buying ketchup, a large knife, and a white apron.

CASHIER
Will this be all?


EXT. HAPPY CHICKEN - LATE MORNING

Billy is arriving, very slowly, in his broken down car. It dies and starts smoking as Billy manages to park.


INT. HAPPY CHICKEN - MOMENTS LATER

The Boss is here, and is looking everything over.

BOSS
We have one hour before the health and
safety inspection. I want you to go
over everything again, and if we’re
forced to close, you’re out of a job.
You hear me?

BILLY
(smiling)
I know. Don’t worry about a thing, boss,
I’ll take good care of everything.

BOSS
Good! Be sure that you do!

He storms out, leaving Billy alone. Billy goes over to the phone, and dials.

BILLY
Did you get everything, Stephen?

STEPHEN (OC)
Everything, dude. You sure about this?

BILLY
Very sure. Be here in thirty minutes.

STEPHEN (OC)
I’ll be there in five. I’m looking
forward to this one! Bye!

Billy hangs up, and goes to prepare.


EXT. HAPPY CHICKEN - AFTERNOON

Stephen arrives in the parking lot.


INT. HAPPY CHICKEN - CONTINUED

Billy looks outside as Stephen arrives.

BILLY
Showtime.


EXT. HAPPY CHICKEN - AFTERNOON

A stuffy INSPECTOR arrives on the scene in an official marked car. He carries a clipboard and goes inside.


INT. HAPPY CHICKEN - CONTINUED

The Inspector comes in.

INSPECTOR
I am the food and health inspector. Your
annual review will commence now. I trust
everything is in order.

BILLY
Yes. You’ll find everything is as it
should be.

INSPECTOR
Good. I’d like to examine the seating
area now.

BILLY
Of course. Go right ahead.

The Inspector does so, and Billy goes in the back where Stephen is getting ready. He’s got a feather pillow, a large meat cleaver, a live chicken in a cage, and he wears an apron.

STEPHEN
Ready dude. Just give the signal.

Billy gives the thumbs up, and goes back to the front.

INSPECTOR
This area would seem to be satisfactorily
clean.

BILLY
Thank you. Now would be a good time to
examine the restrooms, wouldn’t you
agree?

Billy has given the signal. Stephen releases the live chicken from the cage, and it scurries from the back to the eating area.

INSPECTOR
Yes. I do believe so.
(re: chicken)
What in God’s name is that?

BILLY
That? Oh that’s today’s special.

INSPECTOR
Today’s special?

STEPHEN
Where’d that little bastard get off to?

He comes out, waving the meat cleaver around.

INSPECTOR
Who are you?

STEPHEN
I’m the cook! Now, where’s my main
ingredient? Ah, there it is!

He runs over and picks up the chicken.

STEPHEN
I’ll teach you to run away from the
boiling pot of fun!

The Inspector is incensed. He furiously writes this down.

INSPECTOR
Is that young man really the chef?

BILLY
Oh, absolutely.

INSPECTOR
Is he aware that he is using a live
animal?

BILLY
Well, it ran away, so I’m sure he does.
Besides, he insists on fresh
ingredients.

In the back, Stephen is carefully placing the chicken back in its cage and putting it safely away.

STEPHEN (OC)
I’ll teach you to run away from me!

He slams the meat cleaver down on a wooden cutting board. Thump!

INSPECTOR
He’s not…he wouldn’t…is he?

BILLY
Bet your boots he would.

The Inspector furiously writes some more notes down.

STEPHEN (OC)
Don’t you peck me, you little bastard!

Another thump of meat cleaver on cutting board.

BILLY
Excuse me for a moment.

Billy goes in the back, and finds Stephen covering his knife in ketchup, and the apron as well. Billy picks up the feather pillow, tears it open, and starts throwing feathers out all over the place.

INSPECTOR
(re: feathers)
What is going on back there?

STEPHEN (OC)
He’s trying to run away with his one
good leg!

Another thump of meat cleaver on wooden cutting board, and then Stephen comes out looking like a madman, waving the meat cleaver around as it drips ketchup.

STEPHEN
Did you see the headless body come hopping
around out here on one leg?

The Inspector faints. Billy comes out, in maniacal fits of laughter.


EXT. HAPPY CHICKEN - MOMENTS LATER

The revived Inspector is running for his car. Stephen and Billy are running after him.

INSPECTOR
I’m shutting this establishment down!

BILLY
But why?

STEPHEN
Yes! Stay for the salad bar!

INSPECTOR
You’re insane!

The Inspector gets in, and drives off as fast as he can. Billy and Stephen share a high five.

Tags: summertime blues
 


Dear Mr. Lucas Part II

7/30/2008 4:56:12 AM permalink

*Note: This is a followup to the "open letter" I posted yesterday. Go HERE to read that sucker if you haven't already.

Dear Mr. Lucas:

You like to read, I like to read. It's all good.

Go order yourself a nice, pristine copy of "Harper's Encyclopedia of Mystical and Paranormal Experience," as written by Rosemary Ellen Guilley and published by Harper Collins back in1991.

I have a first edition, and Shambhala is listed. It starts on page 544 and goes through page 546. There is enough information to provide a basic outline. All the falling off logs and jumping around snakes can be filled in at a later time.

You could even keep the Russians in it. Have them come looking for you and the chick who got beamed up in "Crystal Skulls."

Sincerely,

Me...again.

And please, lay off any Atlantis material you come across. I just know you'll have a thriving undersea kingdom. Might as well go the whole hog, as they say, and put Aquaman there as well.

(See? It all falls apart too easily. Don't do it George!)

Tags: indiana jones, george lucas
 


Eureka (or) Commercials Belong In The Commercial Breaks

7/29/2008 7:12:46 PM permalink

Damn it, Eureka. You've succumbed to the commercial vampires.

Tonight's new hatchet woman had the balls to say "this is our first new sponsor" in the terms of the show.

Bastards. Or, in this case, you bitch.

That stupid sign on the packaging that read DEGREE FOR MEN was just a slap in the face of a damned good show.

First Smallville being married to Stride bubblegum, now Eureka hawking antiperspirant or whatever the hell that crap is they sell.

I thought bringing Pete back in Smallville and giving him superpower via Stride bubblegum was a new low (and it's still pretty damned low), but this is just digging another trench.

And why do we need a hatchet woman for Eureka? Honestly?

Okay, I'm done ranting. Yes, I know I do it a lot.

Oh, could I suggest a storyline? Jo Lupo falling in lust with Alysson Blake? You know, to spice things up a bit.

Tags: eureka
 


An Open Letter To George Lucas Concerning Indiana Jones

7/29/2008 11:43:24 AM permalink

Dear Mr. Lucas:

First, as you are most likely aware of, I am a fan. I thank you for the advances you've pushed through for both the home theater and the theatrical setup. You've helped to streamline and increase the wonders of filmmaking. And, it is for those reasons, you are one of my heroes.

I, much like you, have an appreciation for the latest technology, the greatest gadgets, and the magic of things that light up and make a slight humming sound when they're in operation.

I, also much like you, have a vested interest in filmmaking. You have your stories to tell, I have mine. But I am also a fan, and have a serious interest in the direction your stories could go.

I like "Star Wars," and I worship "Indiana Jones." "Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls" was awesome, but as nothing is truly perfect, I feel I must add my voice to the detractors.

You want to make a new "Indiana Jones," and hey that's great. But you also have to please Mr. Spielberg, and Mr. Ford as well. Hollywood is about compromise and, well, I can't help but say the compromises you made most likely saved Indy 4 from being a laughingstock.

And now a plot is being mined for, and Steven wants to do it in the similar veins of the ones of the past, while you are wanting to push it forward.

One of the hallmarks of Indy isn't the future, it's the past. And some realism that blends into fantasy without becoming a parody.

I've enjoyed the topics of mystery, such as the holy grail (which I seriously doubt exist), the crystal skulls (which I know do exist but seriously doubt they're actual skulls), and other esoteric and mystical artifacts and happenings.

You've covered the Holy Grail, the crystal skulls, the Ark, the Nazca lines, and so on. But you're also in danger of becoming the parody of yourself which I mentioned.

One could suggest Indy go looking for Atlantis in future installments, but I'd really hate for that to happen. Yes, it is true people right now are searching for the lost continent, and I hope they find it, but Indy looking for it would be on the edge of ridiculous.

Stonehenge would be another candidate, but again it would easily fall into the realm of silliness. (Best leave that to Monty Python.)

But there is a topic you could grab onto: Shambhala (or as it's more popularly known) Shangri-La.

Now THIS would get Indy back to where he should be. It is a wonderful mystery that would be very well suited to Dr. Jones' adventures.

Think about it, George.

We'll be waiting.

Sincerely, Me :)

PS - Leave the aliens to Chris Carter.

PPS - Spread the word Maniacs, maybe we can get our hero back to the adventurer he should be.

Tags: indiana jones, george lucas
 


In The Summertime

7/21/2008 9:45:39 AM permalink

It's bloody hot outside, children. Gas is also outrageous, but you already knew that. And we're in the middle of a somewhat respectable summer movie season.

Put all these together and you've got a recipe for madness.

It's hot outside, so stay indoors. I've draped a few tarpaulins over the western side of the house, because in the afternoon the dark bricks bake and make the air cooling systems go into overtime. It's really dark in here now, but it helps immensely.

To complete the package I'm considering scaring the local Christians by starting a secret society, and we'll hide behind closed doors and large blue tarpaulins and call ourselves some crazy name that sounds very terrifying but amounts to nothing.

The only downside is they won't be able to see us looking at them through the curtains and Venetian blinds with our telescopes and field glasses. (It's hot, gotta make some compromises.)

It's hot, and gas is high. So when the movie sign lights up, see two instead of one.

This is a practice I've been seriously considering the last week or so. My nephew asked me to take him to see Kung Fu Panda, and I went the other day to (finally) see Wall-E. (Yes, I'm terribly behind.)

I'm considering the new Batman installment, not really caring to see it, but much more interested in Heath Ledger's performance. I've enjoyed Ledger's work, was a bit dubious of him as The Joker, but I'm still considering it.

X-Files starts this week. Mamma Mia started last week. (I like ABBA. Shut the hell up.) Probably mix it up and see Batman and Mamma Mia in the same day, then go back the next day and watch X-Files twice. Or some other combination.

It's hot outside, so stay inside and play a game.

I'm ashamed to say I still haven't beaten "Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time." Or "Megaman 1, 4 - 6." "Or Megaman X." The blue bomber and I come close to beating Dr. Wily in the fourth installment, but then it all went to hell.

I'm also scouring the second hand shops lately now that I've found a beautiful, unopened, pristine copy of the "Metroid Prime 3: Corruption" strategy guide the other day for 3 dollars. They had more. I searched for books on Super Mario Galaxy, Windwaker, Twilight Princess, Mario Kart Wii, and a few others.

They laughed at me when I said I still didn't have a Wii yet, so what's the point of getting the guide?

IT'S 3 DOLLARS! IT'S UNOPENED! IT'S BRAND NEW! YOU BASTARDS PAID 20 BUCKS FOR YOURS, DIDN'T YOU? BUWAHAHAHAHA!!! SUCKERS!!!!

But I tend to have very good luck buying things before I need them. Did it with various DVD's.

Did it with Mega Man 6 YEARS ago.

That's a great story: I was in Toys R Us, looking around at Super Nintendo games, the NES was long gone, mine was pretty much dead, and I looked down and there was the blue bomber, pristine, unopened, for five dollars. I snatched it up. I ran home. I played it for maybe five minutes then my Nintendo died.

I kept all my Nintendo games cause they'd gone out of style, and it was very likely no one would ever see them in coming years, but I'd have mine. One of my friends gave me all of his regular NES games, and another just threw his away. (Why, Craig, why? Why did you burn "Snake, Rattle, And Roll?")

But I can play Megaman today! I beat "Zelda II: The Adventure Of Link" in these last few months! I've beaten "Startropics" as well! Never did that back in the early 90's.

I should also dig back into "Battletoads." I never beat that one either.

But now the Wii has made all this pointless.

Well, somewhat pointless. Mine still work just fine.

Today I bought a copy of the "Twilight Princess" Wii strategy guide off of ebay, for a cool 12 bucks. It's all good.

The moral of this story is...well there really isn't one. Truth be told I went outside to play with my cats, realized it was nearly 100 this early in the day, came back inside and did this as an excuse to cool down.

If there is a moral, it's this: even if you don't have a Wii or a Blu-Ray player or whatever else it is you fancy, start getting the stuff associated with it. Doesn't have to be the big expensive things, just could be the movies or the games or the guides, and you'll collect enough stuff. Then you'll find you're capable of winning the big prize.

Besides, it's best to get the stuff while you can find it. Especially since it's not as costly. I call it forward thinking while others just think I'm a loon.

So anybody wanna go see "Mamma Mia?" Just remember, I sit on the outside of the aisle, and there's always one chair between me and the person I go with.

Tags: my life
 


Sweet Dreams, The 50s On 5, And Literary Aspirations

7/15/2008 7:00:16 PM permalink

Well I still wait for the agents up in Oregon to reply one way or another for "The Life and Times of Igor."

In the meantime, I plan on offering them "Sweet Dreams: A Sandman's Story" as well.

If they don't like it, there's others.

What prompted all this? The Doo Wop Stop by Cool Bobby B on XM's 50's On 5. That's where most of the inspiration came from. That and my old 50's rock songs. And long, clear summer nights.

So, here comes another brief excerpt from "Sweet Dreams."

EXT. TWILIGHT PLACE - COURTHOUSE - FEBRUARY 1959 - EVENING

The clock chimes ring out to mark the 9:00 PM hour. The moon is just a few degrees shy of being a full moon.


EXT. TWILIGHT PLACE - OUTSKIRTS - EVENING

The first echo of the chimes ring out over this area, as Mathon appears out of thin air again amongst this cold landscape. Mathon is not affected by the cold.

BUDDY HOLLY (VO)
Well that'll be the day, when you say
goodbye, yes that'll be the day when
you make me cry...


EXT. TWILIGHT PLACE - PUBLIC LIBRARY - MOMENTS LATER

Mathon appears outside of the library, and walks straight through the wall as if it's not there.


INT. TWILIGHT PLACE - PUBLIC LIBRARY - CONTINUED

Mathon is reading through yesterday's newspaper, which is located on the checkout desk.

BUDDY HOLLY (VO)
You say you're gonna leave, you know
it's a lie...

As Mathon scans the newspaper, he comes across one section that's been folded over from an inner section: it's the marriage announcement of Becca and the Greaser.

BUDDY HOLLY (VO)
...'cause that'll be the day when I
die...

Mathon looks up from it, stunned. His reverie is distracted when Kieran is thrown through the building and comes skidding to a stop at Mathon's feet.

KIERAN
(whispering)
Mathon...help...me...

He's covered in the black blood consistent with the mares. He's also dying. Mathon grabs up a handful of the sand from his satchel, and pours it out onto where the blood is being absorbed into Kieran's skin. It's having no effect.

From outside, beyond the large windows of the library, flashes of light can be seen. The trademark howl of a mare being defeated is heard, and then fades away.

MATHON
Kieran. Kieran, stay with me...

Mathon tries to pour more sand on the black blood, but again it has no effect.

MATHON
Someone help me!

KIERAN
Mathon...it's over. Take...this.
Give...to...replacement.

Kieran slides off his bag of magic sand before it's covered in the same black blood.

KIERAN
(smiling)
I...see...beyond...flames.

The smile ends in a heartbeat of terror, as Kieran screams in pure terror and vanishes from sight altogether.


EXT. TWILIGHT PLACE - COURTHOUSE - AFTER MIDNIGHT

Mathon sits alone on the park bench, in silence. Beside him is the newspaper announcement of Becca's marriage, and on the front page of a newspaper reads THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED: BUDDY HOLLY, RITCHIE VALENS, BIG BOPPER KILLED IN PLANE ACCIDENT.

BUDDY HOLLY (VO)
...you say you're gonna leave, you know
it's a lie 'cause that'll be the day
when I die...

The Egyptian Mau comes up to Mathon as he sits on the park bench alone, totally distraught.

MATHON
(to Mau)
I've never lost so much before in such a
short time. Now all I have is the past.

 


It Helps To Be Crazy

7/13/2008 6:11:46 PM permalink

In high school, the Valley Girl wannabes had this bizarre thing where they'd say "Crazy? I was crazy once..." and then they'd go off into their little story which would end something like "...and after that I wasn't crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once..." and it'd start all over.

That's a good impression of how I feel at time.

You write X project, you write the letters, you send out the letters, you send out more letters cause those didn't come back for X reason, you start a new project, you write the letters.....etc.

Then comes the brief moments when the crazy stuff ends and the real waiting begins.

It has now been, approximately, 6 weeks since I sent out the first chapter of "Life and Times of Igor." And, much like other things other people trying to get a foot in the door, the silence is enough to make you crazy.

But I trust these people. They go to some of the comic conventions, only one I've heard of. I guess they make contacts there.

Plus I have a friend of mine itching to drag me to something called DragonCon which is supposed to take place on or about Labor Day. Georgia is where it's at, I think.

I've never been to one. To any conventions at all. In the nearest city, in the entertainment center, there have been Star Trek conventions. I remember cause I looked at those advertisements with uncertain confusion. John de Lancie was there signing autographs. I could've met Q, but for some reason it didn't really mean much to me.

So I'm crazy.

Another proof I'm crazy is I'm snatching up books on faery lore and Celtic mysticism to serve as a basis for a new project I won't officially start writing until the six part Interesting Times is finished.

The new project is, for now, titled "CrossWorlds."

I have no setting yet, have no characters yet, don't have an official plot yet (I did just start reading my books the other day, after all).

I do have one mental sketch of a huge forest in which either spirits or faery are flying through the treetops, and this forest is a living library in a sense. Celtic mysticism says the earth remembers everything that was ever done to it, and it holds that memory in the trees, lands, waters, stones....etc.

Maybe one day I'll actually finish my other projects: "Unbitten," "Interesting Times," "American Prophet," "Storm Warning," and so on.

I even had one untitled project that, although is a great horror concept, may actually too dark in nature for me. I may hand that one off to someone else. Or just make the pitch.

As always, there's too much to do and seemingly not enough time to do it in.

Go ahead, call me crazy.

Crazy? I was crazy once...

PS - If anyone in the Hollywood labor unions are listening, could you please reach an amicable decision soon? De-facto strikes are a pain in the ass, and the producers are acting like babies by declaring a de-facto strike straight up.

 


How To Make A Zelda Movie

6/30/2008 6:22:07 AM permalink

Let's face it: transforming a game to a movie isn't easy, and is usually a disaster. "Street Fighter" anyone? How about "Mortal Kombat" or "Super Mario Bros.?"

When I the Mario movie came out, I remember overhearing someone remarking how they needed to make a Sonic The Hedgehog movie. Being a Sega hater in those days, I thought that was the dumbest idea ever. No one would watch a movie about a Sega game!

Well I still think a Sonic movie would be stupid, but for an entirely different reason: it's just too stupid of an idea.

(I did play the Sega Genesis some years later, and I did play Sonic. Makes me wish I could find the old Genesis and copies of Sonic these days.)

But, these days, I often think of what might make a good movie: Legend of Zelda.

The thing is, it could easily be screwed up. And now that Lord of the Rings went and made it's mark, (and the comparisons of Legolas to Link are apparent) a Zelda movie would have to do something fresh and different to not fall into the Rings category.

So how do we make a Zelda movie? Here's a list of things I think that shouldshould not happen.

1. Cast the inevitable pretty boy to play Link. Our entertainment is driven by sex symbols, and you know they'd cast some model with limited acting abilities anyways, so let's just accept that fact and move on.

2. It has to be a story arc lasting at least 2 movies. Maybe 3 if we can stretch it out. No, I don't mean sequels simply because the first one made money. I mean each movie is just an individual act in the overriding 3 act storyline. A cliffhanger should probably end movies 1 and 2.

3. Not all out mushy romances please. No whining about "but you're a princess, and I'm just a lowly farm boy" or vice versa. Link can probably come across Zelda bathing in some lake while later on Zelda gets her kicks as she has to rip off Link's shirt after he got his ass kicked by some monster and she has to care to his wounds.

Actually, that sounds like a trashy romance novel. Let's skip that latter part.

4. Link and Zelda should be fighting equals for the first installment, then she's captured, or bewitched, or maybe even killed. Well, instead of killed how about mortally wounded.

5. Magic is a must. (*But it can't be overdone. Magic could be used to possibly heal Zelda's fatal wounds, even though we know she'll live to undress Link another day.)
6. It should involve a handful of items: boomerang, arrows, sword, shield, maybe a flute, magic powder, possibly a bomb. But no more, Link can only carry so much in his utility belt.

7. It should be called something like this: LOZ - The Golden Lands, The Shadow Lands, or The Forgotten Lands. Or maybe all 3 if it's made into a 3 parter.

8. Get Miyamoto involved. It's his game, after all. (He can countermand any request I've made here.)

9. Link and Zelda should probably do it. Or not. Whatever.

10. Link should have spent a lot of his youth chopping wood, that way he can have some agility with the sword. Sure it's not exactly swordplay, but more of an intro to swinging heavy things. Besides, no one immediately knows how to use a sword the moment they pick it up.

11. If fairies are involved, they have to be human size.

12. Whoever writes this should have a healthy knowledge of medieval Europe, paganism, shamanism, mythology, Celtic mysticism, etc. And an obvious fondness for the game.

Keep in mind this is just a list of characteristics, not a plot outline.

If anyone wants to voice their opinion (or call me a dumbass for suggesting some of these things) then go ahead. I won't mind.

*PS -- I may think of more things to add to this list, so check back in case updates are made.

Tags: zelda movie
 



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Date Joined: March 17, 2008

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