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Well the news had broken that a movie about Igor will be appearing this fall.

Damn it all.

And I've spent the last three years of my life writing, rewriting, and promoting my own "Life and Times of Igor" out in Hollywood and New York.

They can have their Igor, and I've got mine. Trouble is, they got theirs out and mine is sitting in my filing cabinet, with about eight or nine other projects that haven't yet seen the light of day.

So, on this unfortunate day, I'll just slap on my promotional letter from two years ago, and a scene or two from the most recent version of the script.

What follows is the very same letter I sent out to countless agents on both the East and West coast. It gives you the general idea of what goes on in the movie, without giving away the real secrets.

He has long played second fiddle to his notorious employer, and his life has been
overshadowed by the outrage induced over his employer’s careless flirtations with science. Now his story shall be known.

The Life And Times Of Igor, a “mockumentary,” explores the hunchback’s earliest days, uncovers why he was denied a position in the government’s employment, and reveals the details of that fateful night when the ladies from the Clean Environment Coalition came and shut down Dr. Frankenstein for dumping radioactive material in Salt Lake City.

Now unemployed, Igor attempts to fit into day to day life by serving as a dog walker for The Wolfman, who is part Jack Russell terrier. The hunchback also attempts being a tour guide at the local museum, but ends up on the street after reanimating The Mummy in an attempt to discover the time and cause of the former Egyptian’s death.

Igor must also endure the heated stares from his rival and distant cousin Quasimodo, be a chick magnet, and make the transition to accounting while Frankenstein whiles away his time mutating dandelions in a maximum security prison.

Interviews with friends, family, and associates help to reveal the long held mysteries of Igor’s past, and we ultimately catch up with Igor, Dr. Frankenstein, and The Monster as they relax on a Southern California beach in quiet retirement when they discover anonymity by means of extensive plastic surgery.

The truth can’t be hidden forever. Igor’s is just now coming to the surface.

This scene comes at the transition between Acts I and II, where we have to divide Frankenstein and Igor, putting the bad doctor in jail and Igor out on the street. I should note my Transylvania is out in rural Arizona, where the zealots live and play. I oughta to change it to Texas to make it even creepier, considering recent news developments.

EXT. TRANSYLVANIA COURTHOUSE - MORNING

A large group of news vans wait outside. An armored police vehicle arrives, and an ARMED OFFICER escorts the orange jump suited and chained Dr. Frankenstein from the vehicle to the building.


INT. TRANSYLVANIA COURTHOUSE LOBBY - MORNING

Igor looks very unusual, as he’s dressed up in a very sharp suit, but he looks like an emotional train wreck. A group of JOURNALISTS asks Igor for an interview.

JOURNALIST
Mr. Igor! Mr. Igor! A few words, if you
please!

SECOND JOURNALIST
Dr. Frankenstein has been a good friend
and mentor to you for several years now.
How do you feel about the charges made
against him?

IGOR
Master not guilty. Master not harm
environment. Master good to Igor. Igor
believe Clean Environment Coalition
conducting witch hunt.

JOURNALIST
But how do you respond to the recent
environmental tests showing conclusively
that radioactive waste is present in the
lake?

IGOR
Igor have nothing else to say. Excuse
Igor.


INT. TRANSYLVANIA COURTHOUSE - DAY

The JUDGE sits behind his bench. The ladies from the Clean Environment Coalition are making their case. The PROSECUTION
is making a grand show of things.





PROSECUTION
Not only did this foul, villainous man
pollute Mother Nature herself, he did
knowingly, and willfully, make fun of
religion!

Gasps from all those in the room. Igor looks around at these idiots.

PROSECUTION
I rest my case, your honor.

JUDGE
(to Defense Attorney)
Do you have any final statements in this
matter?

DEFENSE
No, your honor. I believe our case was
made quite explicitly, although I would
like to add that the Prosecution added
an irrelevant argument to his case
concerning Mr. Frankenstein’s views on
religion. This was a dirty, under handed
tactic and I ask it be stricken from the
record.

JUDGE
Denied!

The judge slams down the gavel.

JUDGE
Now, normally I would deliberate on such
a case in my chambers, but I feel this
is an open and shut case.
(to Frankenstein)
Please stand, sir, for I am about to
pronounce my judgment.
(to all)
Having heard both sides I am forced to
conclude that Dr. Victor Frankenstein is
sinfully guilty of being a secularist
and a proponent of all things
associated.
(then)
As for this notion of polluting the
environment, I find it to be a non
issue. The messiah’s going to be here
any day now, so screw the planet!
(to Frankenstein)
As for you, there’s a little rhyme I
like to invoke in special situations:
First you’ll rot in jail, then you’ll
burn in hell!

This final scene is an "interview" where Igor's mom and dad discuss what Igor could now do with his life. Igor is a momma's boy, whether he likes that title or not.

INT. INTERVIEW

Momma and Poppa Igor reflect.

MOMMA IGOR
Igor need new job. Igor could be male
stripper.

POPPA IGOR
Igor not be male stripper!

MOMMA IGOR
Igor be good stripper! Nothing wrong
with being stripper! Igor make lots of
money being stripper!


INT. FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE BEDROOM - NIGHT

Igor, in his pajamas, settles into bed. He places his eyes on the table next to him, claps his hands, and the lights go out.


DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. CHIPPENDALES CLUB - NIGHT

A MALE STRIPPER is finishing up his act. The ladies in attendance ooh and ahh and anxiously await the next performer.

LADY DJ
(on intercom)
Now, ladies, put your hands together
for a very special treat. Officer Igor!

Igor is pushed out on stage, reluctantly, dressed as a police man. Then an instrumental version of “I’m Too Sexy” plays. Igor, stunned, looks at all the women before him. A YOUNG WOMAN stands up.

YOUNG WOMAN
Take it off!

Igor starts getting into the act. He dances about. And then he starts to sing along.

IGOR
Igor too sexy for his hand. Too sexy for
his hand. Too sexy…

He then removes his right hand and tosses it into the crowd. All the women scream and leave.

IGOR
What wrong?


END DREAM SEQUENCE


INT. INTERVIEW

Igor reflects.

IGOR
Igor love momma. But she dumb. Igor no
want be stripper. It scare Igor. Igor
have bad dreams about being stripper.

NARRATOR (OC)
What would you like to be?

IGOR
Igor not know. Actually, Igor know. But
it embarrass Igor.

NARRATOR (OC)
Go on. If you could do anything in the
world, besides being Dr. Frankenstein’s
assistant, what would it be?

IGOR
Well, Igor probably shouldn’t tell, but
Igor like to be…Scarlet Pimpernel. Igor
like capes. Igor like swords. Igor would
be Scarlet Pimpernel if Igor could.