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Igor Joins The Cult - Excerpt from "Life\Times of Igor"

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It's a slow rainy afternoon.

(IT'S FINALLY RAINING! 2 MONTHS WITHOUT A DROP FROM THE HEAVENS! Guess I won't have to sacrifice any more virgins upon my bed...uh, altar.)

As I was saying, it's raining, Link is currently snoring in my N64 memory card, and the day is winding down.

And, since I must be either an attention whore or I'm trying to build a "following," here comes another bit of the comic adaptation of The Life And Times of Igor.

Igor's talents were on display at the high school science fair, and he came in second. A man known only as the Grand High Mystic has recruited Igor into his organization. (read: cult.)

And now we find Igor beginning his first day at the Temple of Scienceology.

EXT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - MORNING

On top of the temple, a large neon sign reads SCIENCEOLOGY. NOT A CULT. Then, the lights fizzle and the word NOT stops glowing. It officially reads A CULT now.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - LOBBY - MORNING

Igor steps in, and finds a LADY RECEPTIONIST with a zoned out look and an aluminum foil hat on her head.


LADY RECEPTIONIST
How may I help you fight the alien overlords?

IGOR
Igor here to see Grand High Mystic. Igor offered job.

LADY RECEPTIONIST
I see. One moment please.

She places her hands on her head, and has a new zoned out look.

IGOR
What lady doing?

LADY RECEPTIONIST
I’m calling the Grand High Master through the alien messaging service.

IGOR
Well, okay.

LADY RECEPTIONIST
Would you like a tin foil hat? It keeps the brain eating viruses out.

IGOR
Igor fine, thanks.

NARRATOR O.P.
This should've been the first sign of danger, but for Igor, it was just a casual curiosity. When the Grand High Mystic arrived for Igor, they took him around to a special interviewing room, where after many humiliating tests and electrical experiments, they decided Igor would best be suited to work in the basement.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - ELEVATOR - NOON

The Grand High Mystic and Igor step into a small elevator.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
After you, young man.

IGOR
Okay.

Igor steps in, then the Grand High Mystic, and then the doors close.

IGOR
What in basement?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Something very special. You'll fit in quite well. What do you know about the brain Igor?

IGOR
Igor know lots about brains. Igor made Uncle Joe think he chicken.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Really? How? Hypnotism?

IGOR
No. Igor put brain of chicken in Uncle Joe. It funny. Well, it was funny until he starting laying eggs. There also time Igor put another brain in upside down. It was accident.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
What happened then?

IGOR
Uncle Joe began voting Republican.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Oh.
(thinking)
YES!!!
(then)
Dear god, what's that smell?

He looks down at Igor.

IGOR
Sorry.

He pulls out a jar of formaldehyde.

IGOR
Igor have to carry formaldehyde just in case arm or hand fall off.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
I see.

A DING is heard, and then the elevator doors open. Both step out into the basement.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - BASEMENT - CONTINUED

A large cavernous room. Fairly dark. Lots of chairs like you'd find in a barber shop. Lots of mops and such. Lots of shelves, with brains in jars.

IGOR
Where Igor?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Igor, this is your personal work space.

IGOR
What those?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Those are the brains of those who are...uh...members of our organization.

IGOR
What Igor do with them?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Simple. You keep them clean.

IGOR
How?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
With these.

He holds up a mop, a bucket, and a liquid substance called BRAIN-O.

NARRATOR O.P.
And so Igor professional life began as the Head Brainwasher of the Scienceology Temple.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Oh, one more thing Igor.

IGOR
Yes?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
You will refer to me as master. You
got that?

IGOR
Igor understand.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Ah, ah. What was that?

IGOR
Igor understand, master.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
If you need anything, just buzz me via the intercom. See you at the company picnic.