I Have Returned....you knew it would happen eventually. And, of course, "Breaking Dawn" would be the catalyst.
So here I sit, prepared to revi
ew the penultimate in the "Twilight" series.
This morning, all I asked for was a quiet, relaxing day. I, by no means, got it.
I've made two trips into town today, and the second was to utilize an attempt to hit the Malco in Van Buren to see a certain movie of the "Twilight" persuasion.
If you're one of the few who've been here for the long run, you may ask yourself "Why not go on opening night like you've done in the past?" Simple: the happy fun back pains from my injuries sustain from work, plus the scoliosis I didn't know i had, and factoring the cooler weather which just make it all the more hellish, I decided to forgo being first in line for the opening night presentation. I, in short, did it for my own hopefully painless sanity.
Boy did I screw up.
I arrive about noon for the one o'clock showing, get my ticket, and sit down. Twenty minutes later, the fire alarm goes off and the crowds shuffle out of the theater, into the lobby, past the concession stand to find the popcorn popper is smoking like a wildfire.
That kind of stuff happens with electrical fires.
Moments later, two fire engines arrive, one departs, and a trio of police cars back us away from the building. Half an hour later, the still smoldering popper has been wheeled out, a statement is made about giving us refunds, and the police, firemen of Ladder 1 of Van Buren, and the theater's crew return to the business at hand.
While I shuffle between leaning up against my truck, leaning up against a lamp post, and sitting on the not at all comfy concrete I'm approached by a girl from a small group of people that just has to know where I bought my shoes at. I'm still not sure what prompted that, but I told her the local Academy sporting goods store, and off she went.
Another girl about her age was with her small group and, having arrived late and not entirely knowing what was up, repeated her mantra of It can't close! It can't close!
Yes, my dear, it can and did shut down for the remainder of the day.
About an hour later after all this began, most of the filmgoers had left except for a small smattering of us waiting for our refunds, which was then changed into a promise our tickets would be honored at "a later date."
Fine, so I came home.
I think I'll just slam "Eclipse" in the Blu-Ray player and try to get the relaxation I damn well deserve.
As a final thought, one young man had his camera phone out and I'm wagering he has, or will in the near future, upload a video concerning the whole ordeal. If you see a tall, thin guy wearing glasses, faded tan cargo pants, and a black and yellow Hawaiian shirt then that's me. Your keywords will most likely be fire, Malco Theater, Van Buren, Arkansas, between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00 on Saturday, the 19'th of November.
Happy viewing.
I see Mr. Vaux is rallying the hypocrites again. A new "Twilight" movie must be in theaters.
Well of course it is. I've been waiting a while for it now myself, and up until this point had been too preoccupied to deal with bouncing the slings, arrows, and name calling away from a good franchise that has, admittedly, in the past suffered from its own success by means of those who produce it.
This is by no means a review, as I have not seen the film in question yet. I HAVE read the book, but that doesn't mean I know how the film unfolds. Jacob will likely be unclothed in it, and that's pretty much the only certainty I know about it.
No, this is about calling out the hypocrites.
Frankly, if you don't like it, then I have nothing against you.
Past remembrances bring up the fact I wasn't pleased with "New Moon," but cheered for David Slade and "Eclipse." What this new two-parter will be like I've no clue, neither expectations, or visions of.
But expecting a fair review of any installment in this series by Rob is like expecting the guys at PETA to eat a cheeseburger, with extra blood please.
Time and time he's made his disdain for the series, even when the main topic has had nothing to do with it. "Vampire Diaries," and TV Wasteland come to mind. And the like minded hold hands, fall in line behind him, and cheer the eventual death of the characters and such.
Most recently, besides the "Breaking Dawn Pt. 1" review, comes the Mary Sue allegations. Bull shit, I say. I won't speak for the other five, but Bella and Crusher's attacks just illuminate the fact the man doesn't get them, so instead cuts them to their needs and pushes the rest into oblivion.
But it's the ongoing treatment by all the current vocal readers which is desparate case of "the pot calling the kettle black." More whining, more wailing, more debasing the fan base and calling the lot of it immature, while being suspiciously immature in the attacks.
These vocal complaints have come from, admittedly, one far end of the spectrum which is making fun of the other far end of the spectrum: angry little boys of all ages pissing and moaning (and their never ending disgust) about excited little girls (and their ever present approval).
I've been defending this series for YEARS at Mania, and actually managed to bring a select few (of the vocal members) out of their ignorance of the series, and actually watched as wiseguy didn't like the first of the series, but for some reason the second.
Go figure.
The "Twilight" series doesn't need me to sit here on my ass to defend it any more than it needs the cranky voices of everlasting ten year old boys to kick it down. It is an imperfect series, like a lot of others, that has more going for it that's good than bad.
As for why I haven't seen it yet, well hopefully that's being corrected tomorrow.
And for all those that want to continue pissing and moaning about the series in the way that you have, the next time you tell this fanbase to grow the hell up, then you really should consider taking you're own ridiculous advice, for you're no better than those that can't see beyond the title and can truly judge it in a fair manner.
Here in the last week of October, an email makes its way to my home computer. What follows should be made criminal.
The brief back story is that, early in August, I sent out twenty some odd promotional letters for "Sweet Dreams: A Sandman's Story." Some have come back with the "thanks, but not for us" or the "thanks, but we're not taking on new clients as of right now."
That's all well and good, but there seems to be an increasing practice of WGA signatories fobbing letters sent to their offices to third parties to manage their slush piles. If the actual Guild knows about it, one should find out.
But here's the scam as it appeared in my inbox today.
(Your Name Here),
We have read your query letter for your screenplay, (Your Screenplay Title Here). We are a motion picture financing and packaging firm and many of the production companies and agencies forward query letters to us to evaluate and make recommendations. We will selectively consult with talent that we feel demonstrates potential.
If we are going to proceed our procedures are as follows:
We must first receive from you a signed industry standard release form which we will send you.
We will require an electronic version of your script in either a PDF or Word Doc format.
We will need 5 -7 business days to read and evaluate your script.
After that we will arrange a mutually convenient time for a one hour phone consultation in which we will cover the script from both a content and business perspective. In our experience we have found that even seasoned writers are unaware of their responsibility in bringing material to fruition and do not know the steps they must take to insure their own success. We also find that frequently the material is not as ready for the marketplace as the writer may believe.
Although we do have a management division, we are not at this time offering to represent, package, or finance the project. We reach out on projects that pique our interest as a way of getting to know a writer and their work. The cost of the consultation is $100.
You will have ample opportunity to ask whatever questions you like. It is one-on-one and confidential.
The next step would be your reply to this email requesting the release form.
Best,
(Their Name Here)
(Their Company Here)
(Their Website Here)
If someone like this should come calling, tell them to go to Hell.
There's no telling which agency sent my original letter to these, because any one of them could be guilty -- and a few of them are. These signatories are held to higher standards to maintain their status. I'm surprised even they would fall to these levels.
Why Is It I Hear Lady Gaga Singing "Alejandro..."
As I've continued to grow increasingly disinterested in mainstream Hollywood I've made it an ever subtle quest to find something else to embrace and, hopefully, enjoy.
Questioning Maelstrom and other Maniacs on the topic of anime was the first major step I took in changing the directional winds which blew me into Japan. Some of it has been very successful ("Ouran High School Host Club," "Full Metal Alchemist, FMA: Brotherhood," "Maburaho," "Final Fantasy Advent Children,") and some has not ("Godannar!").
But that's the nature of this beast -- I have to rely on outside voices, my own natural curiosity, and my possibly sharp instincts or lack thereof.
I keep a wishlist of movies online at Amazon as I encounter them, and the same goes for the more unique offerings at TLA Video dot com. They've divided their offerings into the worlds of smut (all male,boygirl, etc.), indiecult, and mainstream Hollywoodetc.
Outside the adult offerings, the Hollywood standards (which are way overpriced, by the way), and some often really, really weird crap in the cult section, I took to the non-adult, not exactly heterosexual movie offerings that were available.
Oddly enough, some of those offered in the queer cinema section was mainstream Hollywood movies, but promoted from a dramatically different angle. "Alexander Revisited," "Troy," "Brokeback Mountain" and such are given the OMG! HE'S NAKED promotional angle, which shouldn't surprise me.
Also in this lot was the Australian indie flick "Newcastle," which was promoted in the above style mentioned and as "gay friendly," which really wasn't the deciding factor here. "Newcastle" was a coming of age surf flick, and it was more so the surf flick aspect that appealed to me as it was the middle of winter and, as I can't swim and I'm never going to lay bare foot upon surfboard, it would be a good way of living vicariously through someone else's eyes in paradise.
I've done what I can to champion "Newcastle." Plus the young man who portrayed Riley in "Eclipse" shows off earlier acting chops as the lead character's younger brother Fergus in "Newcastle."
I ordered a second surf movie in that particular shipment, but it was so effing weird in nature at times I'm just not even going to acknowledge it.
...And When Did Abercrombie & Fitch Start Making Horror Movies?
I keep scanning the same sections in TLA and found, of all things, an updated version of "The Fall of the House of Usher," simply re-titled Edgar Allan Poe's "House of Usher."
"Usher" and "Newcastle" have something in common -- they feature guys not wearing shirts on the front cover. Again, not exactly the selling point I'm searching for. To paraphrase a bad Tom Cruise outing, they had me at Edgar Allan Poe.
I wrote the name down and searched for it on Best Buy's kiosk's. Hey, they've got a copy for sale online, and for seven or eight bucks cheaper than TLA. I purchased a gift card, went home, and had it sent to my house.
It arrived last Wednesday, and I sat down and watched it.
Poe is one of those authors you can discern their original style from imitators and wannabe's. Dr. Seuss is another such author. "Usher" opened with an obviously Poe composed stretch of words which failed to match the image being presented.
The narrator speaks of how the Usher residence is crumbling, but the chosen location looks nothing like the decrepit property being described -- that was the first strike against this version.
Another blow came in the fact that, as I put it to one of my friends, just because you can put a bunch of good looking guys in front of a camera and direct them doesn't necessarily mean you should. Hell there wasn't one male individual cast in this film for his acting abilities. I silently wonder if their screen tests went along the lines of "take your clothes off and look pretty -- great, you've got the job."
The third blow is the one delivered by my own creative kick start I was briefly given by watching this while also considering how this could've been made better. And there was a notion that had occurred to me. There was a chance for some really dark and obsessive happenings to take place, but most of those notions are filtered through my dad's death earlier this year and how I've had to step up in his absence, even with my physical limitations.
I've never read Poe's original work, but I hope to do so soon. As for this update, I'll only say this: if you're looking for something that has guys half naked most of the time and two of them making out in the first ten minutes or so, then this is for you.
If you actually want a good movie, go find yourself a copy of "Newcastle." And if you're into man candy, well so much the better for you.
PS - If you do order "Newcastle" from TLA, be prepared to receive the all male catalog in your shipment, which contains explicit images from their adult offerings. If such viewing options aren't your cup of tea, get it from Amazon. You have been duly warned.
...and they shouted out loud, to the roar of the crowd: "same old story, more dollars than sense"...
So we all know that at commercially ideal times, the prices come down to take advantage of current trends to further cash in on modern times in an effort to further bleed the consumer when heshe's already down to their final two pints and looking for a reason to give it up again to live again.
"Smallville" and the WB are the main culprits this time, and I'm the empty body they sucked dry as of this morning. The latest season is on DVD and Blu-Ray, but since I am behind the times in the aspects of previously released installments, I'm the fish hooked upon the chance to spend twenty dollars in order to catch up on what I didn't get to see.
I own seasons one and two on DVD, and after sensing the wriggle of season eight on Blu-Ray for just twenty-five bucks earlier this year, well let's just say I'm an easy fish to catch. And after having the chance to walk the aisles of Best Buy this morning, I found the third and fourth seasons on DVD for just twenty bucks a piece, so the phrase of the day is "Let the bleeding commence."
But I looked down and happened to see an irregularity among the collections: upon the packaging for season four was a sticker proclaiming the pilot episode of "Aquaman" was included.
You may remember this marketing gimmick from a few years back. Back then I'd hoped to get a hold on such a purchase and experience the glow of a double whammy done well.
Now I know I'm an idiot...
Here's the thing: I stepped in my front door, bouncing a bit with joy seeing as how I'm finally getting to fill in the blanks for "Smallville" and as soon as I open it up, the first and third plastic holders fall off the packaging.
Strike One.
The fact that the plastic was cheap was annoying, but I could work around that. And I could very likely fix the fallen pieces with a dab of super glue. So preparations were made and I spent the remainder of the morning applying this god awful glue to the packaging, the plastic, and, somehow, my fingers.
I let it set. And set. And set. I opened it up...and it fell apart again.
Strike Two.
After messing with it for an extended amount of time, I sadly realized that even super glue wouldn't be very super in this fix. Where are you, Tom Welling, in my desperate hour of need?
I've now sworn to find X many slimline replacement cases to put all six discs in. I just hope I can, they seem to have gone the way of the dinosaur, but I'm resourceful when it comes to finding this type of necessities.
...now I realize who killed the prince of tides, how can you tell how it used to be when there's nothing left to see...
The only good things (if there are any) that comes out of this is I did manage to get the "Aquaman" pilot. But even this came with a hitch or two.
I don't know how many of you were able to see a copy of it, and I'm not prepared to do a proper review of it right at this moment, but the fact that it was obviously filmed in the essentially standard widescreen presentation but chopped off on both sides for the promotional DVD is something that just further kicked me down.
Justin Hartley, blond pretty boy extraordinaire, had the title role before he was shuffled back to Metropolis. Watching just forty minutes (or thereabouts) told me this could easily have been a modern day "Baywatch" if they'd executed it correctly. I don't necessarily know if the "Baywatch" comparison is fair or not, and frankly I don't understand how said lifeguard show stayed on television for as long as it did, but I'm betting "Aquaman" could've surpassed it creatively.
It also could easily have been a laughingstock.
But there certainly was something ineffable there. Or maybe it's appealing to my Parrot Head instincts. I'm not entirely sure which yet.
I would've given it a full season to at least see where it could've gone.
Strike Three. You're Out.
But Hartley's on "Smallville," the WB is shoving my cash down their pants, and I'm stuck here trying to decided if I should give in to my obsessive ways and buy a new copy of season four since I literally had to throw away the previous collection's packaging (I did save the discs and the inlay book) or just abandon all hope ye who purchase things with the WB logo on it.
Or, if I'm really lucky, seasons one through four will be reissued for Blu-Ray and we won't have these packaging issues again...
PS - If anyone's wondering, the above quotes come from "The Prince of Tides" available on Jimmy Buffett's Hot Water album.
Tags: smallvile aquaman wb dvd
Haven't We Met Before?
Well we know that it's very likely, at the very least, that Hanso is getting ready to return to Pandora...again. But is everyone else? To my knowledge, there's very little fanfare about the return. In fact, I woke up this morning and after attending to my cats, reading the newspaper, and devoting a good hour to hunting down names and addresses to those signatories on the WGA's website, a very subtle notion made me realize "it's Friday. 'Avatar' is Now Showing once more."
I'd known "Avatar" was coming back to the local theaters, but what I didn't realize is how there seems to be little to no buzz about it. I saw one commercial advertising it, overheard how one friend of mine (who doesn't own the DVD or Blu-Ray) was thinking of heading over to see it this weekend, and another friend stating it was coming to an IMAX theater, but she wasn't sticking around to see it.
So does it really matter if "Avatar" returns?
The Devil Made MeUs Do It
This will be a unique experiment, even if it is somewhat low key (or so it appears.) The big bad blue story of Nature RocksCorporations Sucks is all too plentiful around us. It was just in theaters a short half dozen months or so ago. It's already sitting in many media shelves as we speak (except mine since I tossed it), and at my local Best Buy's display shelves they're overstocked on the Unobotanium by about 300%.
So, as the "Simpson's Movie" joke goes, why pay for something they can see for free at home?
We know it's worked before...albeit slightly differently. My memory drifts back to when Disney would re-release a Pixar offering because it had "bloopers" at the end of the movie. The difference is, you will recall, that "Monsters Inc." and the rest hadn't been stamped on VHS or DVD yet.
On the Pixar notion, I'm quite confident that Disney made Pixar do it just to squeeze one or two more ounces of blood out of the theatrical run AND the home video release before it was even released.
But which money making scheme is the lesser of the two evils? Disney's, most likely, which knows something of evil marketing schemes. In fact, as far as I'm concerned they invented it.
So we have "Avatar" in theaters, "Avatar" all across the country in home theaters and taking up valuable space on retailer's shelves, now we have it again in theaters and god only knows how many more times in which they'll issue it to home video again this year alone.
Twice, I believe, is the official running count.
I'm afraid to look it up, truth be told. I'm afraid an Extra Blue Blu-Ray Edition will appear right before my eyes with 17 extra seconds of people mispronouncing 'unobtanium' on the Extra Features disc.
But, looking at the whole through my microcosm of life, I'm betting "Avatar" won't be on the top of Jarrod's weekending Box Office Report. It's only available on one screen in my general region, which is saying something since there's a total of thirty-four screens in the Fort Smith area alone.
Personally, I think this is only for the Hanso's of the world, and those that might not have actually seen it during its theater run: a total of five people.
As for its placing on the weekending box office list, I'll place it at #3 (at the most optimistic) and #7 (as the least optimistic).
It will be interesting to see where it lands. I'm sure as hell not going to head to town to see it, though. I did look it up in the local paper to see where it was playing though. And then I immediately found something far more important to worry about -- mozzarella sticks.
As a parting thought, I wonder if James Cameron is following the 3-D structural mapping of the Titanic as seen on The Weather Channel. Jimmy, they beat you to it.
The Kids Are Alright
As Facebook based Maniacs will know, I spend a certain amount of time online harassing all my FB friends in some ways or another. But the key to my FB friends is that I ACTUALLY KNOW THEM! I HAVE ACTUALLY ENCOUNTERED THEM!
Here in real life and in the blogs and comments sections of Mania, alliances have been forged. We fight like cats and dogs ("Twilight" and Jar Jar Abrams) and we come to each other's defense. The point is, I know you. You know me. And that's how it should be.
But now, I'm scratching my head a recent trend: people I don't actually know are sending requests. One popped up and I looked at the profile image -- this is someone's kid! I ask another friend (from high school) "who is X?" "Oh, that's Y's kid!"
Oh brother. I know Y, but I don't know Y's kids -- and they're not even old enough to understand my comic references. I press IGNORE, and send out a general message telling my "responsible" adult friends to please keep the kids at bay, as I've no interest in being the next Michael Jackson.
That thread was joined by another high school friend I'd recently located, and she was with her daughter and kept reading the back and forth between me and a few others and kept laughing, while her precious young daughter kept asking "what's so funny?" and tried to view the going's-on on her iPhone. When the daughter said she couldn't, as I keep my profile private, her mom decided to have her daughter send a friend request, partially to annoy me (given the circumstances above).
I debated approving this for a while, and finally gave in. Now her daughter is a follower of mine.
I'm Getting Too Old For This
I should've realized that the floodgates were on the verge of being broken apart. My opinion was "fine, I'll make an exception for her."
Then came the requests from my teenaged cousin's friends who live southeast of me. I now have unknown teenaged boys friending me because we have similar interests: anime and gaming.
I write my younger cousin about this, and he clues me in on the circumstances. If these kids saw my posts at his place or he simply mentioned me in past conversations, I don't know. But, hey, that older cousin of yours is cool. Friend Request Sent.
That's two more I've approved recently. So now I'm having a little gaming fun with them by challenging their knowledge and capabilities of Nintendo's offerings from days gone by. My glory days, so to speak.
I used to write to Nintendo HQ at least on a monthly basis. I still have their letters, as they are filled with tips, tricks, and strategies I didn't have access to via my regular "Nintendo Power" or "GamePro" magazines. One such letter revealed a trick no one in my circle had heard of, so I scanned the letter, uploaded it to FB, and tagged my cousin in it.
I'd laid down an 8-bit gaming gauntlet by saying "here's the move, I never could accomplish it, now let's see if you can outshine your older cousin."
As the old saying goes, "them's fightin' words" among gamers. Now I'm laughing, and waiting, to see if this most recent generation can outdo what we did in the 80's and 90's. And I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls it off this weekend. And I'm sure I'll get a comment from him and his posse with the phrasing "pwnd!" or "ftw!" in it somewhere.
In case you're wondering, the trick relates to a well timed move in the original "Super Mario Bros.'" which causes you to shrink in size to normal Mario, then get a magic mushroom without growing, and then obtaining a fire flower thus making you a small, fireball hurling Mario.
Extension Cords After Sunset
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. -- Oscar Wilde
One friend of mine posted this quote as her status update the other day. It was the first reminder that I need to get my head back on straight and start promoting "Sweet Dreams: A Sandman's Story," but it's a little difficult to do so, now that I'm logging every odd little beat my heart jumps on a daily basis.
Meanwhile, one of my new teenaged FB friends posted a status update told me that, maybe, there's hope for the world after all, and there is a place for cosmic based reflection and dreaming.
Said update reads as a list of ingredients: one chair, one table, an electrical outlet, extension cords, a glass of milk, Oreo Poptarts, a laptop, and one copy of "Starcraft 2," as he fights the good fight underneath the starry Arkansas night sky. He even refers to it as the "greatest thing since the big bang."
This is inspiring to me, as I'm about to begin my thirty-third year with a screwed up heart, a need for low dose Aspirin, and a newfound lawyer, not to mention the possible need for a good cardiologist.
Also, I'm thinking of modifying one particular scene from "Summertime Blues" to more closely mirror what this young man had set out to do on a hot summer night: gaming under the stars FTW!
So, while only being halfway through the year, already like a good little squirrel I plan on gathering up my nuts and hiding them away for the sake of my sanity come this winter.
I hate winter. For me it is a domain of woe in which Jimmy Buffett is my guiding light out of this seasonal hell hole, along with anything visual featuring bright blue and green color schemes.
Past winters were survived with the help of "Wave Race 64," "Star Tropics," and Jimmy Buffett's "Meet Me In Margaritaville," "Boats, Beaches, Bars, And Ballads," and "Live in Anguilla" audio collections.
This season will be especially quiet as dad won't be here, therefore it will be even more so important to keep my wits about me.
Behold my (possible) salvation: a brand new Wii.
No, I don't have one...yet. I do have the strategy guides of "Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess" and "Metroid Prime 3: Corruption." I bought them when I had the chance, knowing full well gaming had advanced to such a level that, should I ever achieve this madness, I'll need the guide -- namely because I'm having such a horrid time trying to figure out "Zelda: Majora's Mask" on my N64 without the blasted guide.
I've always enjoyed the Metroid and Zelda games, so those were a given notion. And a Mario game is equally obvious.
But there are a few games I know nothing about, yet they've got my interest. I posted a similar query on Facebook, but Hanso was the only one to really respond, so I thought I'd repost the question here.
Here are the games of obvious names I've written down I should get:
"Super Mario Galaxy" 1 and 2, "New Super Mario Bros.," "Super Paper Mario," and "Mario Kart" -- these go along with "Zelda: Twilight Princess" and the "Metroid" Trilogy.
Also on my list, yet lesser known, are "Final Fantasy - Crystal Bearers," and "Rabbids Go Home." Those, and "Ghostbusters," which I can seem to no longer find in my area for the Wii.
Any opinions?
As a parting thought, I've considered what could possibly be done with the original Zelda adventure: keep everything about it the same, except make it in the POV style that was featured first in "Ocarina of Time." Sure, that would make it hard as hell even for experienced players who've been at it since the mid-80's, but it would be a very unique experience. We'd need to keep an optional overview map in the lower corners of the screen so we remember that you burn THIS bush, and not the one next to it.
I don't know how popular that idea would be, but I'd play it. It might be too much for "Zelda: A Link To The Past," but what do I know?
I Did It For Yoshi's Cookie
Now someone explain this to me...you can obtain the original games for the NES, etc., to play on the Wii, correct?
I also know it uses an internet connection, mostly because our own Bob Trate talked about how nice it would be if I had a Wii, and the upcoming "GoldenEye," and a high speed connection with which he could challenge me to a game in real time.
But just how does one obtain the past games for the current console? Download, I'm assuming, but what would it cost? And how would you pay for it?
Yeah, I'm showing my ignorance, but that's normal. All I've really done with a Wii is look foolish as I attempt to play "Mario Galaxy 2" and " New Super Mario Bros."
Hanso Would Be Proud
Sunday morning, I believe, I'll head out to see "Inception." I know there's been some hype on here about it, but I must admit I've avoided it like the plague. And, since I recently took my friend's wife to "Eclipse," I'm thinking of taking him along with me, since he and I have never "hit the town," so to speak, together.
Any comments regarding this concerning the similar discussion in the "Eclipse" review will be met with the most severe punishment I can dish out: a wave of the fist and then a need to lay down for twenty minutes because I over extended myself.
Malco Theaters Are The Devil
Once upon a time, in that faraway land called Circa Two Years ago, there was a mighty Malco Theater ten miles from my abundant wilderness in which DLP digitally enhanced theater screens shown with a high def shine and a mighty boom from the sound system that would send shivering tingles up your spine on something as boring as a Coca Cola commercial.
They were, for me, that good.
But time has passed and, I guess for the good of the franchise, all the DLP systems were stripped from my Malco and shipped away to...well I don't know where. I'm stuck with a second rate sound system and an image that is easily inferior to a DVD presentation on a standard definition television.
Whereas when DLP was king, there were no visual disruptions; now I have thin black lines running up and down and dancing along the image. GET THOSE BLACK LINES OFF MY EDWARD, YOU BASTARDS!
(Sorry, did I type that out loud?)
Yeah I wasn't happy with that presentation of "Eclipse." I was even more disappointed when viewing "Toy Story 3" on opening day, at the very first showing, and it also had black lines ruining the image, not to mention the sound fluttering momentarily at the beginning as if it was recorded back in the 1930's.
My picture perfect theater is no longer so, so now I have to put in extra mileage to attend another Malco Theater with, well what do you know, DLP projection systems. And that theater is about 5 - 7 years older than mine. My theater has eight viewing halls, the other has twelve. My theater was sacrificed for...unknown reasons. I really have no clue.
Screw you Malco -- if you lot can't restore the proper equipment in my theater, then I'm going back to the Carmike.
Adventures With A Fangirl
So what prompted this? The wife of a dear friend asked me if I'd take her to see "Eclipse." I said I would, and did a long rant which you've just read. Off we go to the "better" theater, passing up the one I fell in love with some years ago. It was convenient, it was very affordable, and it was (WAS!) state of the art.
So I load her up today, and we hit the interstate. Off to the Malco 12. She hadn't seen a first run movie (or any movie) in theaters in about a decade, so I wanted to treat her. I pay for both our tickets, and point out where the theaters are, and where the restrooms are. I look at my ticket, and say "ours is over there. We've got five minutes."
The Malco 12 is very nice. So is the building and furnishings of my smaller Malco 8. The only problem is, as stated earlier, the projection systems.
My companion is impressed, and as time ticks away, we head for viewing hall eleven and come across the trailer for "Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader" in full force, and she's pretty much knocked back a few steps.
We make our way in, sit down, and with just enough time for her to get the hell freaked out of her by the trailer for "Paranormal Activity 2." She jumps, and I'm taking it all in stride.
And so the trailers pass and "Eclipse" begins. And it runs. I'm enjoying it even more the second go around since I have no visual anomalies, and she's absolutely involved in every single moment upon the screen. After the first chase, involving the wolves, the Cullens, and Victoria through the woods, she turns to me and says "that was intense."
I smiled and said "it's just going to get better."
And it did. More time passes, and then we're at the crucial moment when Edward takes down Victoria. I look over to my friend and see her jaw hanging down. I pat her upon the knee and go "you okay?"
She smiles "yeah, I just didn't expect that."
As our feature ends, she's smiling ear to ear and looking somewhat post orgasmic, repeatedly saying that was the best movie ever. She's all smiles and relaxed.
It's nice to know I can still show a girl a good time.
I take her home, and she immediately begins fawning over the movie and everything, and her husband states that he has had to promise his daughter he'll take her to "Eclipse" as well. So I immediately launch into...
A Cinematic Survival Guide
Rule 1 -- Sunday Morning Is The Best Time To Go. Besides being not as costly, it's also the time when the theaters are nearly empty. Aim for a late morning, very early afternoon showing. The general rule here is between 11:00 AM and 1:00 PM. After that things start getting hairy.
Rule 2 -- Park As Close As You Can With Easy Access To Get The Hell Out Of There. Enough said.
Rule 3 -- Don't Drink The Water. Or, better yet, don't buy their bottled water. $3.50 for a Dasani? I'm sometimes at the point where I need to be drinking water, and that's the condition I was in this morning. I rarely buy anything to eat or drink at any theater, but I needed the aquatic intake. I'll just buy a small Sprite from now on if I need something.
Rule 4 -- Always Dress Warmly, Even In Summer. I'm cold natured, or so I've been told. I'm always the first to be cold, and the heat kills me. But I know that theaters are sadistic machines that want you to be cold, even in winter. I was wearing a sweater and my usual cargo pants in "Twilight" a few years ago. And what was at the forefront of my mind? MY HANDS ARE FREEZING!
I'm doing the My-Hands-Are-Cold Dance in my chair while I'm trying to warm them up by sitting on them, by sticking them under my arms, by holding them close and them together. My companion today was in shorts and a short sleeve shirt, and I could tell she was cold. I told her I'd learned from experience that you must always dress warmly in the theater, no matter if it's August or January.
Rule 5 -- Always Sit On The Left Side Of The Theater. This is something I learned from Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel. They were giving tips on the theater going experience in the weekly Sunday periodical of either "Parade" or "USA Today." I'm not sure which. Anyway, they stated their theory of "as most people are right handed, they tend to follow their righty preference."
After I read that, I started practicing that theory. And, in my own limited way, I can see the merit of such a theory. I also see it when visiting a Wal-Mart Super Center. When you're inside one, and preparing to check out or simply leave, walk the length of the registers. I constantly observed the ones to the left are never as busy as the ones on the right. There's also a lower amount of available check out lines. Go Left, Young Man.
Further Adventures With A Fangirl
Having gotten her jollies of looking at Edward, and wanting to visit a video rental establishment, I felt I'd go inside and poke and prod the obsession a little more. Walking the wall displays I found all the Robert Pattinson movies she didn't know about: "Haunted Airman," "How To Be," "Little Ashes," and "Remember Me."
This is the part where others would say "I've created a monster." I simply fed it this time around. I've only seen "Haunted Airman," but I could see the wheels spinning in those eyes.
I guess one day soon there'll be a Robert Pattinson movie marathon here in the hills of Arkansas. I'll make it up to her husband -- he loves "Firefly" and "Serenity," and I've promised to help him select a new high-def television.
PS - Yes, I will start talking about "other things" besides "Twilight" and Robert Pattinson. Hopefully sooner than later. But, for right now, these are the only thoughts in my head. Besides, I'm trying to resurrect my instincts for the written word, and a person has to start somewhere.
Note: This is all, sadly, absolutely true. So given that, and the content below, I'm dedicating this one to darkknight and violator.
So it's the 4'th of July. What a national holiday has to do with becoming a Cullen for Halloween, I have no idea. But given the recent conversation in the "Eclipse" review by the slowly warming Rob Vaux, I thought this one would be good for a laugh by you lot.
I'm watching "Not The Messiah" on Blu-Ray when my niece and nephew barge in. My niece immediately expects me to start bragging on having seen "Eclipse" before her, and then she sets down a path of recounting her favorite scenes and lines with as much dedication as the average Maniac concerning their favorite movie.
She expects me to brag, but I'm not interested in doing so. I do show her my copy of the "Eclipse" soundtrack, which brings on salivation and Jacob inspired lust.
So life goes on for a few hours, and about half an hour I came in, laid down in my floor to rest, and about twenty minutes into that she steps in. She wants one of my Nestle Crunch bars, and, for unknown reasons, she starts listing things she's going to need: glitter, makeup, scissors, etc...
Uh oh.
"What are you planning?"
She has decided that, for Halloween this year, she is going to make me into a Cullen. Probably Edward or Jasper, and if such Jasper then I'll need to dye my hair or find a wig.
I say "nope, I'm Jacob" knowing full well I look nothing like the boy.
YOU CAN'T BE JACOB!
"I'm Jacob. See my tight werewolf butt?"
YOU CAN'T BE JACOB BECAUSE.....
"Why can't I be Jacob? Huh?"
...because you're skinny and bony.
(Well duh. That's why I said I'm going to be Jacob. Did I mention she prefers Lautner over all others?)
You can't be Jacob! Maybe you can be...
(...and this is when the giggling started. I already know what she's considering: Bella. She then states it, and says I have her forehead.)
(don't ask, I've no clue myself)
"...nope, I'm Jacob."
YOU CAN'T BE JACOB! Maybe Jasper or Edward.
"Jacob."
And on and on it went.
There are dangers to having 16 year old nieces. She enjoys combing my hair....in as many weird ways as she can. She wants to dress me up as a Cullen, and is leaning quite heavily to Jasper. And I buy her Taylor Lautner posters for her birthday and Christmas.
Sometimes I wonder if, when I'm dead, spoken at my eulogy and upon my tombstone will be these words: "Twilight Fanatic."
Happy Fourth Of July
LOGIN
REGISTER
RSS
HOME
RSS Feed
