A Little Of This, A Little Of That. Hopefully Some Of It Is Worth Reading.
StarlightGuard's Blog
(Wed 04/30/2008 05:34am)
I love reading the Letters to the Editor in my local paper. I find it quite hilarious, highly horrifying, and above all else, absolutely inspiring.
I live in an area of ignorant, angry jackasses. From my old high school banning "Harry Potter" to decrying the adult book shop that opened here last year, you can find plenty to talk about, and none of it intelligent.
Today's topic: my digital converter doesn't work.
My first response is to write my own letter to the editor (which I don't do) and accuse this person of being old, then asking them if they know anyone under the age of 40 to help them with this problem.
The problem of being old, not the bit about the converter.
They woefully decry how they got their coupons, went out, bought two converters and SURPRISE! they don't work. They also bawl about how no one mentions the converters don't work with rabbit ears.
If anyone here hasn't gotten a converter yet, let me tell you this: it works perfectly with rabbit ears, and the old style rooftop antennas. How do I know? I've set up at least 4, each with different methods of receiving a signal.
They also moan about how you have to be 30 miles (or less) to the tower to get the signal.
Wrong again.
Then they cry about how Arkansas is full of hills and HD is of no use in this area. Well, this is partially correct. Stuff gets in the way, be it limbs, hills, and so on. Digital signals are all too easy to block. As Scotty put it in Star Trek 3, "the more they overtake the drain, the easier it is to stop up the plumbing." (Well it's a rough quote, it's early and I haven't seen that scene in quite a while. You get the point, unless you're just waking up too.)
The key, as always, to go reception has always been HEIGHT. Get a big ass antenna, hook it up, and prepare to turn it when necessary. Very little has changed, with the exceptions I can actually SEE my channels now, and more of them. In fact, I'll actually be able to witness a first run broadcast episode of Smallville tomorrow night.
I still really want to write a letter to the editor replying to today's nonsense and accuse that lady of being old.
(Mon 04/28/2008 05:14am)
Although I'm 30, Summer is still my favorite time of year.
I always have that snarky feeling in the back of my head that says, when in summer, I should be on vacation. It must be a holdover from high school.
I love summer, but I hate the heat. I also am increasingly restless when it comes to the "summer blockbusters," which are, shall we say, terrible.
I first started noticing that the big popular movies were also the worst back in the late 90's. There was "Independence Day." I laugh at it today. There was "Armageddon." Groan inducing it is. I was also dragged by a group of friends to see our version of "Godzilla," and couldn't help but laugh at it in the damned theater.
The trend of bad movies, it seems, is just getting more popular: "Transformers," "Spiderman," "X-Men," (pretty much any comic book movie) "Iron Man," "Speed Racer," and let's not forget anything Judd Apatow releases. And "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" was the worst of them all.
We should also include J.J. Abram's version of "Star Trek," seeing as how he's got a summer blockbuster mentality as well.
Douglas Adams once remarked about his book, "Dirk Gentley's Holistic Detective Agency," that it was so complicated to disguise the fact that there's really nothing much going on. That's precisely the same thing going on with these movies that depend on fast movement, loud sounds, and lots of colors.
There's nothing going on. And you realize that when you step outside of the theater, and realize you can't remember anything about the movie you just watched. Or, in other words, you wish you had the last 90 minutes of your life back.
Sure I sound bitter. I demand more from my entertainment. It has to last more than one viewing, or at least one viewing in some cases. The shelf life of summer movies is very, very short.
But there's always hope: "Indiana Jones" will be here soon. "Wall-E" will be here in late June. "Prince Caspian" is pretty much knocking on my door as we speak.
And, so far, that's pretty much it.
As far as the summer movie season is concerned, things could only get better. And if it doesn't, there's always the new Mario Kart game.
(Wed 04/23/2008 04:59am)
This seems to have been floating around the Internet, and the message itself proclaims it to be true.
Now we know when the net is just another way of spreading urban legends and such, so take it with that attitude.
But if it is real, then I'd certainly like to meet this guy. We need more smartasses in the world.
Hell Explained By A Chemistry Student
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given me by Lisa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Lisa kept
shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
(Fri 04/11/2008 03:00pm)
Those that know me from myspace were able to follow me here.
There I've usually ranted about bad and non communicative agents, various lyrics to Jimmy Buffett tunes, bemoaned how my cats are shedding all over the place, posted various examples of various screenplays.
A movie recommendation or two has even appeared, not to mention some philosophical discourse here and there on pop culture and history, and it's all placed alongside theories, experiences, and stories of the paranormal.
Here my photo is of Galileo, who is still officially a kitten, even though at six months he was much bigger than his 2 year old uncle Phantom, who died just about this time last year when Galileo was born to his sister Spooky.
There is my picture, with an example of how I try to manipulate and enhance images to a certain degree.
But a brief example of all the things I've written (and will eventually write) will be listed here:
Summertime Blues (comedy)
Summertime Blues II: Cruel Summer
The Life And Times Of Igor (mockumentary)
Interesting Times
Part I: The Fountain of Light
Part II: Almost Unreal
Part III: Amazing Things
Part IV: What The Devil Made Me Do
Part V: Time Shall Unfold...
Part VI: ...What Plighted Cunning Hides (working title only)
Sweet Dreams: A Sandman's Story
And, if I'm fortunate, this line will no longer read "As Yet Unmentioned Stephen King Adaptation."
But only if I'm fortunate. If so, then pour the wine. If not, oh well. I won't lose sleep over it.
myspace.com/angelofbenevolentmischief
(Wed 04/09/2008 05:03pm)
The general idea of life is you get out what you put in. If you're nice, nice will come back to you. If you're gonna be an arrogant bastard, you'll get that in return.
So I mentioned how the local guy wanted me to help adapt his novel to script form. I told him my (reduced) fee 10 grand for the adaptation, plus 5 for the new material I'd have to add. I also slashed both those in half to accommodate the economic situations of the day and location.
So last week I get a reply back saying how he wasn't looking for a ghost writer (but he needs one badly, and I'm not the only one that is of this opinion.)
He's looking for someone to work FOR HIM with him. He'd allow this mere mortal 40 percent of the work, and 40 percent of the sale.
Oh how generous.
That's not how things work in Hollywood, and the W.G.A. would likely eat him alive for thinking such a thing.
Here's what I'm assuming: he'll provide the story, and I just figure out the spacing, the margins, and so on. It isn't a stretch to say "he needs me," because you can count the number of competent screenwriters in the western half of Arkansas on one hand, most likely. I sure as hell don't know anyone else.
I've proven that I do have a mental filter, cause I certainly didn't tell him what I truly thought. When those 60/40 figures came in I nearly screamed and laughed at the same time.
"He's got to be kidding," was the main thought bouncing around inside my skull. Apparently he wasn't, and then the giggles took over. Oh how I wanted to do to him what I've done to Cathie The Fat And Evil.
I haven't though. Come to think of it, I never really got to do it to Cathie. As Kathy Griffin put it, I was raised right: I talk about people behind their backs.
But this local guy suffers from ignorance (which is fine, we all do. I certainly do, and I'm not ashamed to say so.) But I've been examining Hollywood politics for a long time too. This project of his would be laughed out of California, and then he'd truly know the lash and poison of the serpent's tongue.
So I finally sent my reply: here it is.
Dear....
I'm sorry but I'm going to decline your offer.
I will offer some advice though: go to the nearest bookshop, and pick up a copy of Stephen King's "On Writing," and read it. It's arguably the best ally you'll ever have, if you wish to continue your literary aspirations. There are also lots of books that teach screenwriting, if you're still on intent on following through on this project.
I'd also recommend you take another class or two to help sharpen your senses.
I feel your work would be best served if I was completely honest: for the most part, the novel I read was, more or less, an okay piece of work. If I was an instructor, I'd possibly give it around 75% out of a hundred, truth be told.
Some of it, especially the prologue, was right up there in the 90 + % range. It needs just a hint of polishing, but really not very much.
On the whole, the book reads as if its genesis came from a Creative Writing course. I truly feel the book was published possibly a year too early. Rewriting is key, and polishing does makes perfection.
If you still fancy the idea of adapting said novel into a script, you should be aware that the Writer's Guild of America strictly monitors WHO wrote WHAT, and HOW MUCH. You cannot just proclaim X person will write This Much, and Y person will write That Much. If it's 2 people, it's 50-50 even.
And even then, it will likely be rewritten because the studios are bastards, and will give you notes out the wazoo about what They Want, and this is why I'm going to recommend you hold off trying to write a script. You're not ready for it. And writer's out in Hollywood are a dime a dozen, which means any one of them can easily (and will be) replaced.
Take the time and hone your craft. That's the best advice I can give anyone.
Sincerely.......
It may seem harsh, but then I don't think so. If my work was good, I was told it was good. If okay, it was deemed okay. If it really didn't amount to much, well the that was mentioned in some fashion.
That was 1999. In the fall of 2001, I had another teacher who literally handed an assignment back to me one day, and said there's nothing I can teach you.
That was a happy day. I can be humbled by people I respect, and I respected that man a lot, a long time before he ever read much of my work. There was another time I'd overheard a moment of his praise, quite by accident.
It was half an hour before class change, and the door was left open. The second level of that building was essentially empty anyways.
I go down the hallway, and sit down out of sight, just five feet away from the door, and I hear him talking. He mentions how, in the very next class (the one I was waiting for) that there were two people that he would just "set loose upon the world," because they were among the best he's seen.
I was one of those two. I never told him I overheard him, and no one knew I was out there either.
Another bit of praise came when I asked him to read a draft of a script I and a friend of mine had constructed. He came in maybe a week or so later, just as class was starting up, and was talking about how he should use it as an example to the entire class as a wonderful piece of work.
He never did -- thankfully. I am capable of great embarrassment, and that would've done it.
I also know, that no matter how great I was viewed, that I'm not as good as I want to be. In fact I fall short of the grandeur I wish I could create. I will never be That Good, which does disappoint me.
I once handed my friend a copy of the first 110 pages of "Sweet Dreams: A Sandman's Story." It was the first draft, an unpolished draft, and I gave it to my friend one afternoon to read.
She sat down, read it, and I went away for an hour or so. When I came back, I asked my usual question: "what'd you think?"
She proclaimed it was, by far, the best work I'd ever done. And it was just a first draft, and it was nowhere near complete.
No, there's got to be something wrong. I asked over and over, she said there was nothing wrong. In disbelief, I kept pestering her until I got a confession of what was wrong with it -- I wasted my breath, cause she never once changed her position.
Then I took about a month off and didn't write anymore. Part of that was because I didn't know how to finish the damned thing. I tried maybe 5 variations, and they were all trash. Then one day it just appeared and off I went. Those last 30 pages or so got revised more than the previous 110 or so.
I like praise, but I tend not to trust it.
I like criticism, cause I know it's important.
And I ask those around me to find what's wrong with the script, not what's right. Get rid of all that's wrong with it and you're done.
Then you can type The End, and mean it.
