StarlightGuard's Blog

How To Make A Zelda Movie

(Mon 06/30/2008 06:22am)
Let's face it: transforming a game to a movie isn't easy, and is usually a disaster. "Street Fighter" anyone? How about "Mortal Kombat" or "Super Mario Bros.?"

When I the Mario movie came out, I remember overhearing someone remarking how they needed to make a Sonic The Hedgehog movie. Being a Sega hater in those days, I thought that was the dumbest idea ever. No one would watch a movie about a Sega game!

Well I still think a Sonic movie would be stupid, but for an entirely different reason: it's just too stupid of an idea.

(I did play the Sega Genesis some years later, and I did play Sonic. Makes me wish I could find the old Genesis and copies of Sonic these days.)

But, these days, I often think of what might make a good movie: Legend of Zelda.

The thing is, it could easily be screwed up. And now that Lord of the Rings went and made it's mark, (and the comparisons of Legolas to Link are apparent) a Zelda movie would have to do something fresh and different to not fall into the Rings category.

So how do we make a Zelda movie? Here's a list of things I think that should\should not happen.

1. Cast the inevitable pretty boy to play Link. Our entertainment is driven by sex symbols, and you know they'd cast some model with limited acting abilities anyways, so let's just accept that fact and move on.

2. It has to be a story arc lasting at least 2 movies. Maybe 3 if we can stretch it out. No, I don't mean sequels simply because the first one made money. I mean each movie is just an individual act in the overriding 3 act storyline. A cliffhanger should probably end movies 1 and 2.

3. Not all out mushy romances please. No whining about "but you're a princess, and I'm just a lowly farm boy" or vice versa. Link can probably come across Zelda bathing in some lake while later on Zelda gets her kicks as she has to rip off Link's shirt after he got his ass kicked by some monster and she has to care to his wounds.

Actually, that sounds like a trashy romance novel. Let's skip that latter part.

4. Link and Zelda should be fighting equals for the first installment, then she's captured, or bewitched, or maybe even killed. Well, instead of killed how about mortally wounded.

5. Magic is a must. (*But it can't be overdone. Magic could be used to possibly heal Zelda's fatal wounds, even though we know she'll live to undress Link another day.)
6. It should involve a handful of items: boomerang, arrows, sword, shield, maybe a flute, magic powder, possibly a bomb. But no more, Link can only carry so much in his utility belt.

7. It should be called something like this: LOZ - The Golden Lands, The Shadow Lands, or The Forgotten Lands. Or maybe all 3 if it's made into a 3 parter.

8. Get Miyamoto involved. It's his game, after all. (He can countermand any request I've made here.)

9. Link and Zelda should probably do it. Or not. Whatever.

10. Link should have spent a lot of his youth chopping wood, that way he can have some agility with the sword. Sure it's not exactly swordplay, but more of an intro to swinging heavy things. Besides, no one immediately knows how to use a sword the moment they pick it up.

11. If fairies are involved, they have to be human size.

12. Whoever writes this should have a healthy knowledge of medieval Europe, paganism, shamanism, mythology, Celtic mysticism, etc. And an obvious fondness for the game.

Keep in mind this is just a list of characteristics, not a plot outline.

If anyone wants to voice their opinion (or call me a dumbass for suggesting some of these things) then go ahead. I won't mind.

*PS -- I may think of more things to add to this list, so check back in case updates are made.

Bring Back Maniac Mansion!

(Fri 06/27/2008 12:38pm)
There's nothing quite like an enjoyable blast from the past. Especially if you forgot all about it.

The other morning, while flipping through the G4 schedule, I found an episode of Game Makers featuring George Lucas' gaming division. I sat my ass down to watch it, and enjoyed the history of it, but it reminded me of something I hadn't seen in ages: Maniac Mansion II: Day of the Tentacle.

I LOVED this game in the mid 90's. It was the funniest, coolest game out there, and I'm ashamed of myself for forgetting it.

I'd went so far as to install DOTT on a high school computer, and we played it during art class on slow off days.

So, Georgie if you're out there, instead of remaking Star Wars over and over again, and re-releasing even more versions of Indiana Jones on dvd (and Blu-Ray! Where's my Blu-Ray releases, damnit?) why don't you direct the smarties in your organization to get together to make more Maniac Mansion games?

Or, dare I say it, why not a Day of the Tentacle inspired movie?

But, my dear Georgie, you can't write it, or direct it, or cast it. Just set it in motion and walk out the door. No sense in screwing up another good franchise.

Oh Maniac Mansion, how I missed you. Actually I don't miss the first one, but I do miss Day of the Tentacle. It was more fun.

Who's with me? Why have we not heard more from the mansion lately? What's Purple Tentacle doing these days?

Surely there's more to be told.

WTF Mania?

(Mon 06/23/2008 02:13pm)

I must say I love you, Mania.

I loved you when you were Cinescape.

I especially loved the sister site, Phenomena (which coincidentally provided me with lots of interesting articles about all sorts of paranormal happenings and such that has appeared in my Interesting Times series.)

But now, I type in your address into my browser, and the first thing I get is a window that says I have to make a choice of which sponsor I plan on ignoring for this session of Mania.

Why?

Why is it I have to now choose which commercial I'm going to ignore?

Sure times are tough these days, and new Nintendo Wii's don't come cheap, but come on.

Who's brilliant idea was it to sell your soul? And why are they not burning in the everlasting flames for making said decision?

The Natives Are Restless

(Sat 06/21/2008 02:49pm)
Not sure if I've ever mentioned it here before, but one project I'd like to seriously follow through on is writing a script for a video game.

And I've started, although I must admit it's very, very basic. Even the story hasn't been fully fleshed out.

I tend to be of two minds about all the projects I have: either I'm doing too much at once and therefore can't do anything, or I'm doing nothing in general.

Once upon a time I had a list of things I wanted to do: "World War Now," among several other projects. "WWN" was a silly idea about Britain declaring war on Australia after somebody claimed all things Australian were a ripoff of all things British, then when some Aussie kidnaps the Diana's kids, it's all gloves off when the British kidnap Savage Garden.

Yes, this idea is that old.

But doing a video game has been in the back of my head for a long time. And in between "Life and Times of Igor," "Interesting Times," "Unbitten," "Sweet Dreams," and a few other things (namely the book chronicling all the paranormal hot spots and lore of Arkansas and the other book of photography I was working on) I tend to get lost in the shuffle.

And from my research I've seen writing the script is like writing everything else. But, there's a problem: I'm used to my old Nintendo and Super Nintendo. I tend to still think on those terms. I have my N64, and I regularly play all four games I have for it: Dr. Mario, Mario 64, Starfox 64, and Legend of Zelda - Ocarina Of Time.

I've had it since the summer of '99. I still haven't beaten Zelda. I guess I made a wrong turn in the palace under the lake somewhere and haven't been able yet to retrace my steps. It's quite sad actually, cause I was considered the best at all things Nintendo 12 short years ago.

I've never touched a GameCube. I'm still lusting after them. Zelda Windwaker looked fun. Cartoony but fun.

Now there's the Wii, and I still haven't touched it yet. And they have a new Zelda game. And Mario Kart Wii which is still dancing in my dreams and behind my eyes. I keep the Best Buy advertisement for it up here on the wall next to my computer. "Sell any project, doesn't matter which one, and That will be your reward."

Well, that and a Blu-Ray player. And a few choice films starring Jesse Jane. (Don't look her up if you're under 18.)
Even though I know how to promote the comics, the movies, the tv shows and miniseries (if Igor doesn't become a comic, it may become a miniseries), but there doesn't seem to be a way to promote game scripts.

I guess you've got to be involved already in that industry.

And I should really update my gaming knowledge before I go any further.

Arkansas! (or) We're Here Too, You Know

(Thu 06/12/2008 06:00pm)

This is going to be more of a rant than dealing with movies and such, although it does involve my career in such matters.

Hollywood is hard to break into. This is an accepted fact, no matter how talented (or untalented) a person is. And all the contradictions for Hollywood apply: agents are looking for fresh new talent, yet they're afraid of new talent. Hollywood looks to outside of Hollywood, yet how many people from outside of Hollywood are really working there?

This entry deals with the second one. I've read countless screenwriting books, and they've all had something to say about "outside talent."

Now I could be making all this up, but I'd like to get others opinions on this matter.

I have a theory that, by living in Arkansas, I'm more likely to be ignored when the agents read my letters (that is, if they even do.)

Over the last few years of promotion, my letters have gotten sharper (though I hate writing them) and, oddly enough, the responses to said letters have gotten smaller and smaller. The letters are not the problem, as they are finely crafted and I spend countless hours just making sure they're right because they are the keys which could unlock the doors.

The letters have to be perfect.

But there may be a chink in that armor, and it's the bit that reads Arkansas. Folks in Oklahoma may also be a victim of this same thing, I don't know though.

When I think of Arkansas, I think of the local dumb asses, of course, but I also think mostly of the scenery and the fact that this is home. My own personal version of The Shire, is how I've described it, complete with Rivendell in my own backyard. Literally.

That is the natural landscape. It has been my home for nearly 31 years. And, when I finally saw a DirecTV broadcast for the very first time in the late 90's, I was no longer the bumpkin some might think I was.

Even before then I could read, I could write, I would wear shoes and not talk with a southern accent. I also wouldn't go around quoting Jeff Foxworthy as if he was some prophet.

But the state may be holding me back when it comes to agents in Hollywood. It also may not be. I can't prove anything here, but I can gather this much: agents aren't looking my way to find something fresh or new, and Hollywood is just as isolated as some might think we bumpkins are.
There's got to be some middle ground out there somewhere.

So I ask you, fellow maniacs, when you think of Arkansas, do you think of hillbillies and moonshine? Or do you think there are those amongst the restless hill living natives who are actually capable citizens living in the 21'st century?