StarlightGuard's Blog

Beware Of Good Ideas (or) Go Super Panties, Go!

(Sun 08/31/2008 01:42pm)

DISCLAIMER: I've had a lot of Grape Kool Aid today, so I'm most likely not in my right mind. This happens often, especially when I get chocolate ice cream from Braums. That's how my sketch "The Remains Of Babe Ruth..." was created. It was funny for a day, and then it died...at least for me. My friends still get a kick out of it though. Not entirely sure why.

I'm weary of good ideas, because they always cause me the most trouble.

One case in point: The Life and Times of Igor. Back in 2004, when I first came up with the project (after being inspired by some mysterious force while watching reruns of M*A*S*H), I had no idea I'd be spending the next 4 years of my life trying to get the damned thing made in one fashion or another.

2004 was a good year for good ideas to be weary of. That was also the year the WGA could've gone on strike, not to mention there was Mel Gibson's movie about some guy called Jesus who went and died on two planks of wood. Something like that, didn't catch the name of the movie.

I took those two ideas, (and since there's a lot of religious madness in parts of my family,) I immediately took it upon myself to make grand proclamations about a new porno movie coming out called The Passion Of Chris!

The tagline was "feel his passion," or something like that. I'd go on to describe the poster as having some good looking guy tied up to two planks of wood, with a naughty smile on his face, etc.

I'd also described it as the final 12 hours of Chris' virginity.

The thing is, the joke was supposed to end RIGHT THERE That was it, all over, said and done.

But I couldn't let the damned thing rest. No, it was too much of a good idea. So one Monday morning I sat down and concocted this story of a mainstream writer\director who ends up doing porno movies to pay the bills.

The script went out, and not a single person even dignified it with any kind of response. (Although looking back now I realize they were in de facto strike mode, but even after the new contract was signed no one bothered say a word on the subject.)

So "The Passion of Chris," and it's intended sequel "The Next Temptation of Chris," was shelved.

I did revisit the idea of reworking the movie, and even came up with a new way of promoting it:

In 2004, a Jew hater made a movie about a bunch of self loathing Jews who went around, got real angry, and decided to kill the head Jew.

Another good idea. Guess what happened to it.

So here I am, facing another good idea. It's the bit about "Go Super Panties, Go!" I'm sure you already figured that one out.

But I must backtrack.

When I first started researching what would become The Passion Of Chris, I discovered the Adult Video News. It had movie trailers, it had gossip about its stars, it hyped the latest projects, and it also had things of real concern, such as the topics of AIDS, safe sex, the notion of "how far is too far?" and so on.

The AVN also described how one starlet visited a fan of hers that was in the hospital. (True story. I have the article here on my computer still.) There were articles on the issues of Freedom of Speech and how the police were raiding legitimate businesses and arresting people who both worked there and were browsing the aisles.

In short, it wasn't just about playing hide the salami, it was a real business, with real people, facing real issues and hazards of their own. And that served as a real means of telling a wacky story. It's the human side of what we'd normally see as just a smutty business.

And I was hooked.

On AVN's website there were trailers from what would become my beloved Digital Playground, an adult business ran by women no less. I devoted one morning to downloading one trailer (which must've taken an hour, damned dial up service) and was amazed that not only did it have a real story, not only did it have decent lighting and camera framing, but it was also in the widescreen format. Porn had caught up with mainstream Hollywood, and that also played a huge factor in how I went about writing "Chris."

That, and the fact Janet Jackson had lost her top and everyone was becoming frigid so I wanted the "out there" comedy that wasn't afraid of an accidental loss of clothing.

Every so often I check in on Digital Playground to see what they're up to. Last year, or the year before...can't remember when it was exactly...DP released what was called the biggest adult production in all of history, and it was called PIRATES.

That sucked me in. It had a real and true professional script. It had an abundance of CGI animation. It had great sets, honorable costumes (while they stayed on at least) and even a Hollywood premiere on the big screen and an edited release for the mainstream dvd market.

Digital Playground had taken naughty movies to a whole new level. And they're doing it again: this September PIRATES 2 will be released. Again, with the grandiose sets, script, settings, and costumes...while they stay on, of course.
I haven't seen the trailer (goddamned dial up service) but I have seen the behind the scenes images posted on their website.

And I'm amazed.

It must be like when Peter Jackson realized "anything is possible" and he set out to make "Lord of the Rings." Well, now it seems anything is possible in smutty town, which brings me to today.

Superheroes amaze me: Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Superman, and so on.

So why haven't we had a superhero porno movie yet? Let's face it, superheroes are sex symbols, whether we want to admit it or not. Wonder Woman's super panties have gotten smaller as the years have gone by. Don't believe me? Compare the tv show to more modern incarnations of her uniform.

Supergirl wears very short skirts, yet I don't really know why to be honest. And Superman...well, how do I put this? He's not exactly fond of boxers, if you know what I mean.

So, just like Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is being remade, maybe I can pitch the idea of a super hero porno movie to Digital Playground, starring Jesse Jane. (I insist on Jesse Jane...because she's, you know, like talented and stuff.)

And why not? They've got 2 pretty reasonable adult features under their belt. They've got movies like "Cheerleaders" and "Babysitters" sitting on shelves of adult book shops, not to mention the "Island Fever" series.

Beware of good ideas. They're usually only good for about a week, if that, and then I turn around and wonder "what the hell was I thinking?"

PS: I think someone should go knock on the doors of Arkham Asylum, to see if MxM is there. He's been awfully quiet lately, and it makes me wonder if Christian Bale finally caught up with him.

PPS: I'll provide the link, if anyone's intrested. I don't have to remind you it is, most defenitely, NSFW. 

http://www.piratesxxx.com/pirates2/index_home.html

Will Superman Return (Again)?

(Sat 08/23/2008 06:01am)

DISCLAIMER: I should state here I'm not a walking encyclopedia on Superman. I have seen the movies. I tune in for Smallville and own the dvd sets. I also own a few copies of the Death Of Superman comics. I was also a fan of "Lois And Clark" back in the 90's.

And that's it.

I'm not pretending to say "oh I'm a know it all and I'm so much wiser than the lot of you and therefore I know what should become of Superman."

In a sense, concerning the mythology, I know nothing. As a self taught screenwriter\storyteller, I know story arcs, development, and prefer craftsmanship over running from plot point to plot point.

I also don't claim to be the best when it comes to crafting a story, so just stick around. I know what I like and works best for me and my work, though.

Now read on....

I only just now read the article (and responses) for Warner Bros. rebooting Superman. I, too, feel it's a bad idea. I just don't like the idea of rebooting anything, that's sort of like cheating, or a 5 year old throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way.

I don't see how you can make Superman darker? How can you be dark when you're in a big red cape and tight blue pajamas with your equally red knickers out for the whole world to see?

We're getting a general theme in movies\television where "darker is better." I don't buy that. I won't deny a darker tone can help set a certain ambience and psychology about any given project, but it always comes down to the story, stupid.

If all you have is a mood, you've got very little to offer. It's like rap music: if all you've got is the beat of a flat tire doing 35 down the interstate, well it's just not music.

Any psychological turmoil shouldn't come from the Superman aspect, I say. It should come, obviously, from Clark Kent. Beat up the man, not the icon.

Honestly, consider your day to day lives: disasters happen, drugs are founds, people are lost, etc. Now ask yourself, if you could fly away, would you? Wouldn't Superman be your way of flying away from your miserable existence? To feel something resembling happiness again?

What if Clark's so lost in his depressions or whatever he just gets tired of living up to everyone else's expectations and says "to hell with this" and goes into a self imposed exile?

And then after he wises up he comes back better than ever.

Now I know this isn't an original story arc. But, honestly, can you tell me when you last saw one? We all are aware they're just doing this cause MOODY = MONEY. When the formula reads SHINY = MONEY, you know that's the direction it would go.
To me Clark would be more interesting. (And I don't want whiny like poor miserable Peter Parker, boo hooing all the damned time about Mary Jane, about school, work, etc.)

And while Clark's off being all dark and moody, Supergirl can take care of things.

Help, Supergirl! I can't get my pants off! The zipper's stuck!

Desdemona's Building A Rocket Ship (And Other Fun Tales)

(Tue 08/19/2008 09:56am)
Where has all the genuine light hearted madness (and madmen\women) gone?

These days I find myself looking for the fun I used to have and the madness that followed 15 years ago.

31 is creeping up on me, and although I do not worry about it, I find myself these days rediscovering the energy of the past that brought about the laughter.

The tones may have changed, but it's essentially stayed the same.

From a far away state headed to me came a note in that old melody: Wave Race 64. It arrived in my mailbox yesterday, and the bouncing waves and tropical settings just set off the usual island lust I display in my shirts, my music, my laid back attitude (which has become more prevailing while my more neurotic hyped up side has calmed down quite a bit), and, yes, the occasional interest in smutty films starring Jesse Jane that just happened to be filmed in places like Bora Bora.

(As a side note, when Hollywood has been extra quiet on certain occasions, I have tried writing for Digital Playground. They need movie scripts too, but apparently not mine. Probably just as well.)

The title of this wandering bit of fluff is named after a chapter in the Jimmy Buffett novel "Where Is Joe Merchant?" You always know a good idea when you first see\hear\read it, because you (as a writer) instantly become envious that you didn't think of it first, and you're kicking yourself for not being as clever as you think you are.

"Desdemona was a woman with a mission. She was up with the sun. There was no lounging in bed or drifting off to catch a few more winks. She was building a rocket ship.

"It was not exactly the line of work you would expect a former rock 'n' roll background singer and part-time cookie baker to be tackling. She had made Ds in science back in her high school days, but as of late she had become hopelessly entwined in some kind of puzzle that now had her aiming at the stars..."

...so reads the first two paragraphs of that chapter. Buffett goes on to describe the ship is named the Cosmic Muffin.

I first read that, laughed out loud, and wished I thought of it. And then followed the usual why can't I come up with something like that?

I've often wanted to turn to the tropics and add in my lazy days attitude and just have a free for all story involving something like that. But instead of trying to mine something in that vein, I immediately look in the opposite direction because I do my stuff, not me impersonating what others are doing.

I have a great interest in fiction that's set in South Florida, yet I don't know why.

I've never been to Florida. But I've read Dave Barry's novels "Big Trouble" and "Tricky Business," the first of which was better received by audiences. Barry fell victim to the "second outing curse" in a sense. (Although the bit about Harold Tutter introducing himself every 15 seconds to everyone cause he can't remember anything for over that amount of time was finely crafted.)

I look at Carl Hiassen's books with awe. I know there's a lot of fun going on in those pages, yet I haven't gone on a shopping spree to collect them all. The same goes for Elmore Leonard.

Fate must feel I have to stay put here in Arkansas, cause she knows should I dip my waters with dolphins swimming around me, I'll never come back. Fate says finish the damned scripts. There'll be plenty of time for that later.

My come back is always to hell with that. There's bouncing blue waters cresting on island shores. And there's plans to film Island Fever 5 - 9 here over the coming weeks. Screw you and your post it notes.

This area I'm in is a good place to live: blue skies stretch from high tree top from high tree top. There's an abundance of wildlife here, including all the squirrels, deer, my own cats, countless birds, tons of butterflies, and various other critters that come and go.

After it rains a good healthy downpour, you'd almost swear this is a rainforest I'm walking through.

It's also funny when townies hear about this place. I was once asked "you live the furthest out among us, was there snow out your way? Do you have problems getting to town?"

My answer was quite succinct: "yes it snowed, my roads are covered, and the only place I'm likely to encounter dangerous slippery roads is when I'm going through Frog Hollow."

"Frog Hollow?" Oh how the townies laughed. Yes, Frog Hollow. It's a nice little area that can be a bad spot in ice.

Desdemona's still working on her rocket ship. Dr. J. is on C-Island uncovering alien influences in "Startropics." There's gossip on the Coconut Telegraph and the controls of a Kawasaki jet ski are in the palm of my hand but I'm landlocked in front of my tv.

Even so, it's still all good.

*Post Script: yes, this is very much outside the Mania Stream. Every so often, just for fun, I put together these one sided conversations. They're far from important, not meant to start discussions, and so on.

These are subtle clues to see how my brain works (or doesn't) and what influences it.

I've also been known to refer to these as "Random Assemblages Of Nothing." Just a bunch of stuff thrown together and mixed all up in a somewhat incoherent form intended to get it out of my system.

Igor Joins The Cult - Excerpt from "Life\Times of Igor"

(Sat 08/09/2008 05:51pm)

It's a slow rainy afternoon.

(IT'S FINALLY RAINING! 2 MONTHS WITHOUT A DROP FROM THE HEAVENS! Guess I won't have to sacrifice any more virgins upon my bed...uh, altar.)

As I was saying, it's raining, Link is currently snoring in my N64 memory card, and the day is winding down.

And, since I must be either an attention whore or I'm trying to build a "following," here comes another bit of the comic adaptation of The Life And Times of Igor.

Igor's talents were on display at the high school science fair, and he came in second. A man known only as the Grand High Mystic has recruited Igor into his organization. (read: cult.)

And now we find Igor beginning his first day at the Temple of Scienceology.

EXT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - MORNING

On top of the temple, a large neon sign reads SCIENCEOLOGY. NOT A CULT. Then, the lights fizzle and the word NOT stops glowing. It officially reads A CULT now.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - LOBBY - MORNING

Igor steps in, and finds a LADY RECEPTIONIST with a zoned out look and an aluminum foil hat on her head.


LADY RECEPTIONIST
How may I help you fight the alien overlords?

IGOR
Igor here to see Grand High Mystic. Igor offered job.

LADY RECEPTIONIST
I see. One moment please.

She places her hands on her head, and has a new zoned out look.

IGOR
What lady doing?

LADY RECEPTIONIST
I’m calling the Grand High Master through the alien messaging service.

IGOR
Well, okay.

LADY RECEPTIONIST
Would you like a tin foil hat? It keeps the brain eating viruses out.

IGOR
Igor fine, thanks.

NARRATOR O.P.
This should've been the first sign of danger, but for Igor, it was just a casual curiosity. When the Grand High Mystic arrived for Igor, they took him around to a special interviewing room, where after many humiliating tests and electrical experiments, they decided Igor would best be suited to work in the basement.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - ELEVATOR - NOON

The Grand High Mystic and Igor step into a small elevator.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
After you, young man.

IGOR
Okay.

Igor steps in, then the Grand High Mystic, and then the doors close.

IGOR
What in basement?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Something very special. You'll fit in quite well. What do you know about the brain Igor?

IGOR
Igor know lots about brains. Igor made Uncle Joe think he chicken.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Really? How? Hypnotism?

IGOR
No. Igor put brain of chicken in Uncle Joe. It funny. Well, it was funny until he starting laying eggs. There also time Igor put another brain in upside down. It was accident.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
What happened then?

IGOR
Uncle Joe began voting Republican.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Oh.
(thinking)
YES!!!
(then)
Dear god, what's that smell?

He looks down at Igor.

IGOR
Sorry.

He pulls out a jar of formaldehyde.

IGOR
Igor have to carry formaldehyde just in case arm or hand fall off.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
I see.

A DING is heard, and then the elevator doors open. Both step out into the basement.


INT. SCIENCEOLOGY TEMPLE - BASEMENT - CONTINUED

A large cavernous room. Fairly dark. Lots of chairs like you'd find in a barber shop. Lots of mops and such. Lots of shelves, with brains in jars.

IGOR
Where Igor?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Igor, this is your personal work space.

IGOR
What those?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Those are the brains of those who are...uh...members of our organization.

IGOR
What Igor do with them?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Simple. You keep them clean.

IGOR
How?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
With these.

He holds up a mop, a bucket, and a liquid substance called BRAIN-O.

NARRATOR O.P.
And so Igor professional life began as the Head Brainwasher of the Scienceology Temple.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Oh, one more thing Igor.

IGOR
Yes?

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
You will refer to me as master. You
got that?

IGOR
Igor understand.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
Ah, ah. What was that?

IGOR
Igor understand, master.

GRAND HIGH MYSTIC
If you need anything, just buzz me via the intercom. See you at the company picnic.

TDK CURSED? - Curse Of The Dark Knight! (Oooh It's Spooky!!!)

(Sat 08/09/2008 04:59am)

Here we go again with the paranoia.

It's very observant paranoia, but paranoia it remains.

The other day I hear on the Republican News Network (oops I'm sorry FOX NEWS,) that fans are starting to suspect a DARK KNIGHT CURSE!!!

First Heath Ledger dies from his performance as the Joker (or that's how they want to spin it. The fans not Fox.)

Then Morgan Freeman has his accident.

Christian Bale is beating up his mother and sister.

And something else...it involved a woman I think.

So now the fear factor has kicked in, and it's said the 400 mark is balanced out by all these tragedies.

Frankly, if you believe that, you're nuts.

I will say this, though: The Dark Knight is to guys as what Titanic is for girls.

No, I'm not afraid to go there.

Girls went back over and over to watch Leo Dicaprio run around, be pretty, and then die at the end.

Guys...well...you're getting your kicks in a very similar way.

I admit I haven't seen TDK and most likely won't until it comes out on dvd...if even then. I've stated I would like to see it, if only for Ledger's performance.

It's just another comic book movie to me.

(Okay, I'll give it the credit it's due -- it's much better than the standard comic book movie. I find Hulk and Iron Man laughable. I groaned at X-Men when it left me feeling empty. And I can't properly judge Superman Returns cause, well, I saw it on a full screen dvd and I was immediately biased against that.)

But I've never really been a fan of comics, although I've got plenty of opinions on movies. I liked Tim Burton's incarnations of Batman, thought George Clooney was a joke, and still have no desire to see Batman Begins.
Oh well.

As for the curse of this movie, and the one of Poltergeist, just stop the nonsense.

Next thing we'll hear is the curse of Indy 4 or Transformers since Shia had his unfortunate accident.

(I updated this title due to a very good point from Mxm. I probably should've thought of that.)