The Demon Within Part 1

demons good and evil :: Wednesday, December 26, 2007 by Vohnny

My heart was beating extremely fast as I walked down a deserted dirt road. I had been traveling for three days and seemed to be lost. There was no sign of life anywhere. Nothing around me looked familiar and it all looked the same. There was a tree on my right side about every half  a mile. It began to get dark, which worried me because I hadn't seen darkness for the three days I had been traveling. I wondered what kind of place it was and how I got there. I had no memory of my arrival or anything prior. I didn't even know my name! I stopped walking for a moment so I could gather my thoughts. I took a nice slow deep breath and  a good look around. Just as a looked around, I saw something dash behind a tree.
"Hey! Is anyone there?” I called out.
I didn't hear an answer. I walked hesitantly toward the tree, with fear in my heart. Even though I was afraid, I just had to know what it was. When I finally made it to the tree, I slowly crept around it. I saw a young lady. She looked like she could have been in her teens. Her clothes were all torn and covered in dirt.
"Are you alright?" I asked her out of concern.
"No, but I will be." She answered.
"Do you know the way out of here?” I asked her.
"Not yet.” she replied.
Out of curiosity and anxiety I began to bombard her with questions. "What is this place? How long have you been here? Why is it getting dark?"
She calmly answered me and said, " This is the dark place inside of you. I have been here for a whole year, searching for the way out. The reason it's getting dark now is because he is coming."
"He who? And what do you mean 'The dark place inside of you'?” I asked.
She didn't answer those two questions, but instead she asked, " You've been here for three days, haven't you?"
A little freaked out, I answered, " Yeah, how did you know that? Have you been watching me this whole time?"
As she backed up a little, she answered, "It starts to get dark when he's coming and he comes after you've been here for three days. After the darkness comes you'll see his power source. Then you will know he is on his way."
I was really beginning to think this girl was crazy. "He who?” I asked again with frustration.
"Just don't make a deal with him! Don't work for him!" She hollered as she ran away with a frightened look on her face.
She was definitely a psychopath! Maybe she had been trapped in this place for so long, that it drove her mad. Whatever the case, I wasn't going to let it happen to me. As it got darker, I began to get scared. I continued walking and ahead of me, I saw light. I couldn't figure out what the source of this light was, but I kept walking forward. After walking about three miles, I finally saw the source of the light. It was a large round object. This object looked like a moon, but it was floating in mid-air!
"Is this the 'power source'?" I laughed sarcastically to myself. I was afraid and curious at the same time and I did not stop walking toward it. I finally got about a foot away from this thing, and then I just stood there. As I looked up at it, it seemed to be hanging about two feet above my head. It wasn't bright enough to hurt my eyes, so I stared right into it trying to figure out what it was. Suddenly, it began to make a humming sound. It was a very annoying sound that pierced the inside of me. The sound got louder. It eventually got too loud and I tried to cover my ears. Though my ears were covered, I could still hear the humming clearly. I thought my eardrums would burst! I closed my eyes tightly in hopes that this would all stop. I thought this all might be a bad dream. Before I could open my eyes again, I felt a strong force push me back. I was pushed about ten feet, with my feet never leaving the ground. Then I fell down. When I opened my eyes, I noticed that the moonlike structure was darkened and I saw a tall dark figure standing in front of it. This figure had short horns on its head and seemed to have wings on its back. His skin and structure was not that of a human. It appeared to me like he was made of some type of really thick bone mixed with metal. He had a symbol that looked like it was carved or branded on his chest. This symbol was a dragon with wings in front of a seven-point star. The seven-point star had a circle around it and on top of all of that was a crown. I didn't know what this symbol meant, but I was ready to wake up from this dream. This creature was very large and it gave me an uneasy feeling. It silently stood over me for about a minute, but it felt like an hour.
Then it spoke, saying "Get up!" When it spoke, it had the voice of many. It sounded like one thousand men and women speaking at the same time. I was still shaken up from the fall and shocked from what I was seeing. I sat there on the ground with my eyes wide open, staring at this beast. "Get up!” he said again, this time in a much more loud and angry voice. Out of fear, I quickly jumped to my feet. Just then, my feet began to lift up off the ground. It was as if this creature was using some kind of levitation trick on me so we could be face to face. We were eye to eye. It stared into my eyes and I stared into his. His eyebrows had a steep arch. His eye sockets were deep and his pupils were red. The part of his eyes that would normally be white, were a bright yellow color. While we were staring into each other's eyes, I felt like he was looking right through me.
" Do you know why you are here?" he asked me.
" No. I don't know why I'm here! I don't even know where I am, but I want to go home!" I yelled.
As he allowed me to drop forcefully to the ground, he stated, "You're not going home. You are here for a reason."
I began to back up with tears welting up in my eyes and screamed out " No! This is all a dream!”
By this time I had tears rolling down my face. He began to laugh a loud and aggravating laugh, as if my tears brought him joy. Then he reached his arm out with his hand pointed in my direction. Just then, the moonlike structure behind him began to glow. Right after that, the symbol on his chest began to light up also. Just as I closed my eyes out of fear, I felt that forceful push again. The same push from before. This time I only flew about five feet back, and I landed face down. When I looked up, the moonlike structure was dark again and the symbol on the creature’s chest was not glowing anymore. "Is this what the young lady was referring to when she kept saying 'he'?", I thought to myself. It became quite evident to me that the moonlike structure was his power source. While I was pondering these things to myself, the creature yelled out "Get up!” Frightened, yet puzzled, I thought about asking, "Why do you keep pushing me down, then telling me to get up?” I quickly talked myself out of asking that question because I didn't want to anger this beast. I stood to my feet swiftly before he could say it again. Tears were still streaming down my face and it seemed to amuse him.
Then he said to me, "Crying won't help you at all! Let me explain some things to you. My name is Beheelion. You are in my kingdom now. I rule over Beheel Land. I have the power to send you home if you allow me to."
Wondering how I got to Beheel Land in the first place, I asked, " Why wouldn't I allow you to send me home? Just do it now! I really don't want to be here!"
He looked at me with a huge grin on his face and said, "It's not that easy. You have two choices. You can allow me to send you home or you can find your way home without me." Before I could respond, he went on to say, "If I send you home, you have to help me out."
Confused, I asked, " What do you mean help you out?"
"This means you work for me. I will give you assignments and you will have no choice but to complete them, willingly or unwillingly. The choice is yours. If you find your way home without me, you're free and not bound to any contract with me." As I thought for a moment, he continued on to say, " If I help you, you have to help me. But if you refuse my help, I will torment you as long as you are here. I will persecute you until you find your way home."
I contemplated in my head, thinking, " I want to go home, but do I really want to be bound to a contract with something this scary and evil? Who knows what his 'assignments' will be!" Then on the other hand I thought " Maybe this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up as soon as he sends me home." Then I thought, "Even if this is real, how am I bound to his contract? He can't take me to court or anything. Can he?" I had millions of thoughts running through my head at once.
Before I could get a word out, he yelled out " Make your decision now!" Then he walked a little closer and said, " Let me make it easy for you. You've been trying to find your way home for three days now. Do you really want to waste more time? I have the power to send you home now. All you have to do is make you choice." This was true. I had been searching for a way out for three days. I would probably never make it home. Then he added, "I'll even throw in a third choice. You can stay here and work for me. I'll make you prince over all of Beheel Land. You don't have any family or friends to go home to." I didn't know if this was true, because I had no memory of my home. But I definitely did not want to stay in that place and even if I were to accept this offer, who or what would I be ruling over? I'd only seen one other person since I'd been there, and other than that, there were no other signs of life. "There will be lots more people arriving here just like you did. You can rule over the ones who agree to work for me.” he added. The words that the young lady said to me replayed in my head. "Just don't make a deal with him. Don't work for him!" Right then and there, I knew exactly what she was talking about. Two of the three options that he gave me involved me working for him.
Even though I had an eerie feeling about the whole situation, I ignored my conscience and the advice from the young lady. "Send me home!" I yelled out quickly, before I could talk myself out of it.
"So be it!” said Beheelion with a huge grin on his face. Then he began to laugh. He had the laugh of 10,000 demons. I wondered what could possibly be so funny to him. He stretched his arm out toward me once again. With his hand pointed directly at me, he began to speak in some kind of tongue I did not recognize. As he spoke, I heard many voices. Then I saw his power source light up, as well as the symbol on his chest. Next I saw a ball of light come from his hand and fly toward my face. I closed my eyes and clenched my body tightly. That's when I felt the same forceful push from before, but only, it was much stronger this time. I wanted to open my eyes when I couldn't feel myself being pushed back anymore. I was lying flat on my back this time. It felt like I had been pushed back for miles then suddenly dropped on my back. I hesitated to open my eyes, but I finally gathered up the courage to take a peak out of one eye. I saw three people standing over me. My vision was a little blurry, so I couldn't see the faces. I figured it was from the impact of me hitting the ground. I heard sounds that seemed to be voices, but I couldn't make out what the voices were saying. Everything sounded muffled. As my vision became clear, I could see that I was in a hospital. There was a doctor and two nurses standing over me. I still couldn't understand a word they were saying. I looked down and saw that I was in a hospital robe. On my neck was a necklace. Hanging from the necklace was the same symbol that was on Beheelion's chest.




Added on December 26, 2007 10:49 PST

Comments
#1 - Todd89  [Dec 27 2007, 12:33 pm PST]
This took my breath away in so many ways, as a writer I won't lie to you. Your piece is moving and flawless, I loved every word and how it came together. I like the idea very much, two separate sides and yet they are the same both having the same necklace. Though I should ask this: why did you think to ask me in the first place? I'm honored what ever the reason.
#2 - LobeznoD  [Dec 27 2007, 6:04 pm PST]
You're work is solid and enjoyable. The piece has a nice pace to it while keeping the reader involved without actually revealing anything. Good Job :)
#3 - Todd89  [Dec 27 2007, 6:16 pm PST]
I did really enjoy the artical very much, one point you need to know. When a charactor speaks just make sure you have a name. Just one flaw at the top of it. "Hey! Is anyone there?” I called out this is what you put in. I just copy and paste that in. It tells me that it maybe a female or a man, I didn't know right away. Otherwise it was excellent, it was a surprise to learn that the character was a patient. Though do be very careful, I have to as well. For every writer out there, we have to be careful so none of us gets sued. I personal have read a book where a man lies in a coma and lives through a nightmare world. It was a great horror book to read, I burrowed it from a friend years ago. After that I read KING and a few others. I'm stuggling as a writer, Mernac is a fantasy site for both artis and writers. I personally have joined Hellium and My Abstract. Both are great to work for since you can get paid as well, or you can take another road. What ever it is, I hope you succeed.
#4 - Merin  [Dec 28 2007, 8:13 am PST]
It was well-paced and involving. My interest was held through to the end, and I have questions lingering. All good for a first part. I'll PM you a couple other things, but overall, I think it is well done.
#5 - wessmith1966  [Dec 28 2007, 10:17 am PST]
Good read Vohnny; well done. You've got a great imagination and paint your pictures with words very well. Don't be afraid to add more descriptive details (think of how well Stephen King's writing draws readers into a story by describing the details of a scene. I'm not a big King fan, but I do love that part of his writing) and be careful not to start out too many sentences with "then." Mix up the way you begin your sentences and move the reader through your story. Great work! I look forward to reading part 2. Thanks for inviting me.
#6 - michaelxaviermaelstrom  [Jan 8 2008, 5:47 pm PST]
BaaaAaaaaaNnnNNNnnNNnnNNgggGGged. Well, that sucks larks vomit, I penned this incredibly what's the word I'm looking for Ed? ("long", so very very long - Ed) yes, speaking of Dicks Ed *WHAM* treatise with my observations and then my PC crashed and it was wiped from existence. (and there was much rejoicing - Ed) so here's the short version. 1. Your photo, is hot. You look so intelligent, so cute, so sweet yet powerful, so .. (corruptible - Ed). Right. Call me. 2. Very good. Your pacing is excellent, and it's matched by your un-predictable'osity. If you can maintain that level of balance (resulting in a reader imbalance) in a novel, when you are published, I will kidnap you for the _sole purpose_ of acquiring your autograph. (that time anyway - Ed) If I could make one small critical observation (you had to ask - Ed) it would be that I'm not convinced that the glowing symbol on his chest is imagery worthy of your talents. Take it for what it's worth, but I found the great majority of your story to be an excellent balance between pacing, symbolism, psychology, drama and story. I think I'd stay away from anything that *might* come off ..I'm not sure how to characterize it, "too over-the-top" ? "juvenile" "non-credible" perhaps, because it upsets the balance of your piece. imo, when a scene's veracity is in doubt, delve deeper into psychology, symbolism, and your imagination, for another (subtler -Ed) way to make the point. I think there for example it was enough to have the moon like structure change in response to him. The reader can draw the inference of a connection. In any case, very bloody good. In short: highly enjoyed reading you; hope to read more; I'll pay to read you when you're ready; and you most definitely have talent. Thanks for inviting to read and comment on your work. It was a great surprise pleasure. michael X. maelstrom.
#7 - r3cklessd3mon  [Jan 17 2008, 9:46 am PST]
I enjoyed it it was great