On Tuesday, January 20, 2009, President-Elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. Obama has already chosen his Cabinet members, which includes both Republicans and Democrats, but here at Mania, we thought it might be wise to look beyond the two traditional parties and go a little further; possibly even into other dimensions . When you look at the big picture and realize that there’s an entire multiverse at your disposal, it opens things up a bit. Why let silly little things like “reality” keep you down?
Now, I know the point is basically moot right now, since the President-Elect has already chosen his Cabinet, but I went ahead and compiled a list of picks anyway. Let’s call it a list for a “perfect world”: A world in which superheroes and villains, superspies and metahumans walk side-by-side with the average citizen. If you could put together a League of Extraordinary Politicians, who would you choose? If such a world truly did exist, the possibilities of who might be chosen to serve our country is endless. Here are my choices.
The Secretary of State is responsible for handling foreign affairs, counseling U.S. embassies and advising the President in determining foreign policy. For this esteemed position, I’d choose the hero of Alex Raymond’s classic space fantasy, Flash Gordon.
We’re talking about foreign policy here, and who is better at communicating with people from different cultures than Flash Gordon? The man united an entire planet in order to challenge the evil of Ming the Merciless, and it wasn’t even his home planet! The man’s theme song explicity states that he “stands for every one of us”. Isn’t that exactly what we hope for from our government?
For this position, I would appoint former WWF wrestler “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase. While he was known for bending the rules on occasion during his career as a grappler, DiBiase proved himself to be quite adept at handling money. He proved that everyone had a price, bribing officials and even other wrestlers. He even tried to buy his way to a WWF World Championship! While some might question the morals of The Million Dollar Man, one might question the morals of a lot of politicians, so that point gets thrown out the window.
When dealing with matters of money, who is going to argue with a man who wears belt shaped like a giant diamond-encrusted dollar sign? Clearly he knows what he’s doing.
When it comes to matters of defense, it’s important to always be prepared for any situation. There’s really no choice for this position other than Batman. Is there anyone who is more prepared than Batman? Anybody remember when Batman compiled plans to take out every single member of the Justice League in the event they went rogue? Anybody remember those creepy Brother Eye satellites?
While I don’t necessarily approve of his tactics, I do trust Batman. I’m not a fan of government wiretapping or spying on American citizens, but I’m fairly certain Batman’s got more important things on his plate than listening in on my phone conversations, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and this position.
The Attorney General is known as the top law enforcement officer and lawyer for the government. This was a tough position to fill, so I’m going to give two candidates instead of one. I’ll leave the decision up to President Obama.
When one considers the Attorney General as the chief lawyer for the country, one can not help but think of the many troubles our country is facing right now. We need a good defense attorney, and who presents a better defense than Perry Mason? He’s been in business since 1933 and has been the star of novels, radio, film and television. With a reputation for fighting uphill battles, Perry Mason is just the type of lawyer America needs right now.
On the other hand, the Attorney General typically only represents the government in extreme cases, so maybe we should go with the other route? The person in this position is also known as the chief law enforcement officer and head of the Department of Justice. When you’re talking about law enforcement, there’s really only one choice: Judge Dredd. He is the law! With the power of judge, jury and executioner, Judge Dredd is the type of Attorney General who could put the fear of God into criminals and whip this country into shape. Of course, the fact that he’s British and from the future might pose a bit of a problem.
As the overseer of agencies such as the Bureau of Land Management and the National Park Service, the Secretary of the Interior manages and conserves federally owned land and administers programs related to indigenous peoples.
I feel that Prince Namor of Atlantis is the perfect choice for this position. While he’s got a reputation for being a hothead, I think that being the ruler of a displaced group of people gives him a unique perspective into matters relating to this job. Namor understands what it’s like to have your homeland destroyed or taken away, so he would be empathetic to groups in similar situations. I just hope the other Cabinet members don’t laugh at him when he starts yelling “Imperius Rex!” during meetings.
The head of the Department of Agriculture develops and executes policies on farming, agriculture and food safety, oversees national forests and grasslands and assures food safety.
Is there really anyone better suited for this job than Swamp Thing? He’s a plant elemental, a veritable walking mass of vegetation. He is uniquely in touch with the planet and is quite capable of simply growing enough fruit and vegetables to ensure an end to any food crisis.
Of course, we’d probably all have to go vegetarian and anyone familiar with the “Rite of Spring” story from Swamp Thing #34 might be a bit skeptical when it comes to eating anything provided by ol’ Swampy. Then again, a nation full of people on a psychedelic trip after having ingested Swamp Thing-provided tubers might not be such a bad thing, and red meat is pretty bad for you…
Tony Stark is the perfect man to be in charge of the nations business and industry. Obviously, the genius-level head of a major corporation like Stark Industries is well suited for a role like this. If any further proof is needed, allow me to remind you of the time when Obadiah Stane seized control of Stark Industries and Tony was forced to start again from the ground up – and Stark Enterprises is still going strong today. The man has a keen business sense that would come in handy in the rough economic times our country is currently going through. We just have to make sure he stays away from the liquor cabinet.
Occupational safety, wage and hour standards and unemployment are the responsibilities given to the Secretary of Labor. Who better to fill this position than Neo, of The Matrix films?
Having spent the entirety of his natural life hooked up to a weird, pod-machine that fed off of his bioelectricity, I think Neo truly understands the plight of the working man. He knows what it’s like to be taken advantage of by “The Man”: working 24-7 with no breaks or lunches, your body abused by the very system you’re keeping afloat. Neo’s ability to identify and empathize with the lunchbox and hardhat crowd makes him perfect for the job.
This member of the Cabinet is charged with improving the health, safety and well-being of America. Drugs, disease control and health care are top priorities. I’m taking the easy way out and picking Ra’s Al Ghul.
Why would I choose a man who’s name means “The Demon’s Head” for such a lofty position? Like I said, I’m taking the easy way out: disease and health care won’t really be an issue if we put a Lazarus Pit in each of the fifty states. Anyone with a life-threatening disease or injury can just take a dip in the Pit and they’re cured! I’m sure that the restorative abilities of the Lazarus Pits can be further researched to find cures for most anything that ails us. They might even be able to aid in rehab for drug addicts by cleaning out their system and getting rid of their body’s dependency on drugs. Yeah, it’s sort of like cheating, but it’s for a good cause.
Say what you will about his lack of diplomacy or his less-than-stellar record when it came to human rights; Ming the Merciless kept every citizen of Mongo in a warm and safe environment. Well, as long as you didn’t defy him, that is.
Hey, I’m not saying that Ming was a nice guy. I’m not saying I like him. All I’m saying is that statistics show very few homeless people living on the planet Mongo. Yes, it’s true that Ming kept the various races of Mongo in a constant state of war, but Ming isn’t going to be ruling the planet here, or even the country. He’s simply in charge of making sure people have homes, and in that regard, I think he’ll do quite nicely. Plus, the fact that I’ve already appointed Flash Gordon as Secretary of State should be enough to keep Ming toeing the line.
In regards to his past… well, you say “to-may-to,” I say “to-mah-toe”.
You say “maniacal overlord ruled by an insane lust for power” I say “politician”. Let’s call the whole thing off.
For a fast and reliable mode of transportation, I’m going to look to James Montgomery Scott of the U.S.S. Enterprise. He’s the ship’s Chief Engineer and … well, he’s the guy in charge of the transporter. Is there a faster mode of transport than teleportation? No, I didn’t think so. And while I’m not exactly an expert on Star Trek lore, I don’t think Scotty ever fouled anything up too bad. He is known for his critical thinking, problem-solving skills and grace under pressure. I can’t think of a man I’d rather have at my side in a crisis.
Runners-up for this position include Lockjaw of the Inhumans, the New Gods (for their use of Boom Tube technology) and that guy from the Transporter movies.
Solving an energy problem would be quite simple if President Obama follows my advice: Go Green. Green Lantern, that is.
If the Central Power Battery of the Green Lantern Corps can power over 7,200 rings throughout the known universe, surely we can squeeze just a little more juice out of it to run a few factories here and there. No waste, no toxic emissions, no danger to the environment. Green Lantern (any Green Lantern will do) is the only choice for this position.
Since Professor Charles Xavier is the first fictional teacher who comes to mind, and would seem to be a perfect choice. He’s been doing the job for years and knows the benefits of a good education. However, I can’t help but notice that no one really graduates from Xaiver’s Institute for Higher Education. They just hang around until the school inevitably gets blown up again and the team is restructured. In fact, most of the students end up with a pretty major chip on their shoulder, and I’m not so certain this is the type of education the children of America really need.
So Professor X is out and Gabe Kotter is in! Fans of the 1970s television series Welcome Back, Kotter will remember the wise-cracking former juvenile delinquent who returned to his old alma matter to further the educations of a group of unruly wiseguys known as the Sweathogs. Over the course of four seasons, Mr. Kotter displayed an unwavering dedication to his students and an astonishing ability to get through to the kids that everyone else had given up on. His no-nonsense attitude and sense of humor prove that he will be able to hang with the super-powered members of the Cabinet and not back down. I can’t think of a better choice.
It might be a controversial pick, but I’m going to go with Darth Vader. Typically, this position is filled by a veteran, which Vader is, and having gone through a rather traumatic experience while serving his galaxy during war time, Vader probably understands the needs of a veteran a bit more than the average person would. He understands the need for counseling in the case of post-traumatic stress disorder and he knows the importance of quality prosthetic limbs, should the situation require them.
And who’s going to argue with him when it comes time for budget reassessment? Darth Vader is the type of guy who gets things done, and if he wants more funding, you better believe the man is going to get it.
This is the person in charge of protecting the U.S. from terrorist attacks and responding to natural disasters. Like many of my choices, I’m sure this pick will be controversial, but as the saying goes, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
I’m going with Cobra Commander. I know what you’re thinking: “How can you expect the head of a terrorist organization determined to rule the world to protect the country from terrorist attack?!?!”
It’s quite simple. A man like Cobra Commander didn’t get to his position by being a bumbling idiot; he knows how terrorists work and will most likely be one step ahead of them at all times. As for responding to natural disasters: Surely you haven’t forgotten about the Weather Dominator? I don’t think we’ll need to worry too much about tornadoes, hurricanes and earthquakes when we’ve got a Weather Dominator in orbit. And it’ll be tough for any terrorists to attack us if the Commander has the Pyramid of Darkness up and running.
And that rounds out my choices for a Super Cabinet. Looking back, I’m a bit surprised by the number of super-villains, despots and all-around bad guys who made the list. I’m not sure if that says more about me or about my view of politics, but it ought to make for an interesting four years!