All the President's Maniacs - Mania.com



Feature

17 Comments | Add

 

Rate & Share:

 

Related Links:

 

Info:

  • Series:

All the President's Maniacs

In which we give the incoming president the muscle he needs to succeed

By Chad Derdowski     January 19, 2009
Source: Mania


Featuring Alex Ross' rendering of President-Elect Barack Obama (Slideshow)
© Mania

On Tuesday, January 20, 2009, President-Elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. Obama has already chosen his Cabinet members, which includes both Republicans and Democrats, but here at Mania, we thought it might be wise to look beyond the two traditional parties and go a little further; possibly even into other dimensions . When you look at the big picture and realize that there’s an entire multiverse at your disposal, it opens things up a bit. Why let silly little things like “reality” keep you down?

Now, I know the point is basically moot right now, since the President-Elect has already chosen his Cabinet, but I went ahead and compiled a list of picks anyway. Let’s call it a list for a “perfect world”: A world in which superheroes and villains, superspies and metahumans walk side-by-side with the average citizen. If you could put together a League of Extraordinary Politicians, who would you choose? If such a world truly did exist, the possibilities of who might be chosen to serve our country is endless. Here are my choices.

 

Secretary of State

Flash Gordon - Secretary of State

 

The Secretary of State is responsible for handling foreign affairs, counseling U.S. embassies and advising the President in determining foreign policy. For this esteemed position, I’d choose the hero of Alex Raymond’s classic space fantasy, Flash Gordon.

We’re talking about foreign policy here, and who is better at communicating with people from different cultures than Flash Gordon? The man united an entire planet in order to challenge the evil of Ming the Merciless, and it wasn’t even his home planet! The man’s theme song explicity states that he “stands for every one of us”. Isn’t that exactly what we hope for from our government?

                                                                                                       

Secretary of the Treasury

Ted 'The Million Dollar Man' DiBiase - Secretary of the Treasury

 

For this position, I would appoint former WWF wrestler “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase. While he was known for bending the rules on occasion during his career as a grappler, DiBiase proved himself to be quite adept at handling money. He proved that everyone had a price, bribing officials and even other wrestlers. He even tried to buy his way to a WWF World Championship! While some might question the morals of The Million Dollar Man, one might question the morals of a lot of politicians, so that point gets thrown out the window.

When dealing with matters of money, who is going to argue with a man who wears belt shaped like a giant diamond-encrusted dollar sign? Clearly he knows what he’s doing.

 

Secretary of Defense

Batman - Secretary of Defense

 

When it comes to matters of defense, it’s important to always be prepared for any situation. There’s really no choice for this position other than Batman. Is there anyone who is more prepared than Batman? Anybody remember when Batman compiled plans to take out every single member of the Justice League in the event they went rogue? Anybody remember those creepy Brother Eye satellites?

While I don’t necessarily approve of his tactics, I do trust Batman. I’m not a fan of government wiretapping or spying on American citizens, but I’m fairly certain Batman’s got more important things on his plate than listening in on my phone conversations, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and this position.

 

Attorney General

Perry Mason - potential Attorney General #1

 

The Attorney General is known as the top law enforcement officer and lawyer for the government. This was a tough position to fill, so I’m going to give two candidates instead of one. I’ll leave the decision up to President Obama.

When one considers the Attorney General as the chief lawyer for the country, one can not help but think of the many troubles our country is facing right now. We need a good defense attorney, and who presents a better defense than Perry Mason? He’s been in business since 1933 and has been the star of novels, radio, film and television. With a reputation for fighting uphill battles, Perry Mason is just the type of lawyer America needs right now.

Judge Dredd - Potential Attorney General #2

 

On the other hand, the Attorney General typically only represents the government in extreme cases, so maybe we should go with the other route? The person in this position is also known as the chief law enforcement officer and head of the Department of Justice. When you’re talking about law enforcement, there’s really only one choice: Judge Dredd. He is the law! With the power of judge, jury and executioner, Judge Dredd is the type of Attorney General who could put the fear of God into criminals and whip this country into shape. Of course, the fact that he’s British and from the future might pose a bit of a problem.

 

Secretary of the Interior

Namor - Secretary of the Interior

 

As the overseer of agencies such as the Bureau of Land Management and the National Park Service, the Secretary of the Interior manages and conserves federally owned land and administers programs related to indigenous peoples.

I feel that Prince Namor of Atlantis is the perfect choice for this position. While he’s got a reputation for being a hothead, I think that being the ruler of a displaced group of people gives him a unique perspective into matters relating to this job. Namor understands what it’s like to have your homeland destroyed or taken away, so he would be empathetic to groups in similar situations. I just hope the other Cabinet members don’t laugh at him when he starts yelling “Imperius Rex!” during meetings.

 

Secretary of Agriculture

Swamp Thing - Secretary of Agriculture

 

The head of the Department of Agriculture develops and executes policies on farming, agriculture and food safety, oversees national forests and grasslands and assures food safety.

Is there really anyone better suited for this job than Swamp Thing? He’s a plant elemental, a veritable walking mass of vegetation. He is uniquely in touch with the planet and is quite capable of simply growing enough fruit and vegetables to ensure an end to any food crisis.

Of course, we’d probably all have to go vegetarian and anyone familiar with the “Rite of Spring” story from Swamp Thing #34 might be a bit skeptical when it comes to eating anything provided by ol’ Swampy. Then again, a nation full of people on a psychedelic trip after having ingested Swamp Thing-provided tubers might not be such a bad thing, and red meat is pretty bad for you…

 

Secretary of Commerce

Tony Stark - Secretary of Commerce

 

Tony Stark is the perfect man to be in charge of the nations business and industry. Obviously, the genius-level head of a major corporation like Stark Industries is well suited for a role like this. If any further proof is needed, allow me to remind you of the time when Obadiah Stane seized control of Stark Industries and Tony was forced to start again from the ground up – and Stark Enterprises is still going strong today. The man has a keen business sense that would come in handy in the rough economic times our country is currently going through. We just have to make sure he stays away from the liquor cabinet.

 

Secretary of Labor

Neo - Secretary of Labor

 

Occupational safety, wage and hour standards and unemployment are the responsibilities given to the Secretary of Labor. Who better to fill this position than Neo, of The Matrix films?

Having spent the entirety of his natural life hooked up to a weird, pod-machine that fed off of his bioelectricity, I think Neo truly understands the plight of the working man. He knows what it’s like to be taken advantage of by “The Man”: working 24-7 with no breaks or lunches, your body abused by the very system you’re keeping afloat. Neo’s ability to identify and empathize with the lunchbox and hardhat crowd makes him perfect for the job.

 

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Ra's Al Ghul - Secretary of Health and Human Services

 

This member of the Cabinet is charged with improving the health, safety and well-being of America. Drugs, disease control and health care are top priorities. I’m taking the easy way out and picking Ra’s Al Ghul.

Why would I choose a man who’s name means “The Demon’s Head” for such a lofty position? Like I said, I’m taking the easy way out: disease and health care won’t really be an issue if we put a Lazarus Pit in each of the fifty states. Anyone with a life-threatening disease or injury can just take a dip in the Pit and they’re cured! I’m sure that the restorative abilities of the Lazarus Pits can be further researched to find cures for most anything that ails us. They might even be able to aid in rehab for drug addicts by cleaning out their system and getting rid of their body’s dependency on drugs. Yeah, it’s sort of like cheating, but it’s for a good cause.

 

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Ming the Merciless - Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

 

Say what you will about his lack of diplomacy or his less-than-stellar record when it came to human rights; Ming the Merciless kept every citizen of Mongo in a warm and safe environment. Well, as long as you didn’t defy him, that is.

Hey, I’m not saying that Ming was a nice guy. I’m not saying I like him. All I’m saying is that statistics show very few homeless people living on the planet Mongo. Yes, it’s true that Ming kept the various races of Mongo in a constant state of war, but Ming isn’t going to be ruling the planet here, or even the country. He’s simply in charge of making sure people have homes, and in that regard, I think he’ll do quite nicely. Plus, the fact that I’ve already appointed Flash Gordon as Secretary of State should be enough to keep Ming toeing the line.

In regards to his past… well, you say “to-may-to,” I say “to-mah-toe”.

You say “maniacal overlord ruled by an insane lust for power” I say “politician”. Let’s call the whole thing off.

 

Secretary of Transportation

James Montgomery Scott - Secretary of Transportation

 

For a fast and reliable mode of transportation, I’m going to look to James Montgomery Scott of the U.S.S. Enterprise. He’s the ship’s Chief Engineer and … well, he’s the guy in charge of the transporter. Is there a faster mode of transport than teleportation? No, I didn’t think so. And while I’m not exactly an expert on Star Trek lore, I don’t think Scotty ever fouled anything up too bad. He is known for his critical thinking, problem-solving skills and grace under pressure. I can’t think of a man I’d rather have at my side in a crisis.

Runners-up for this position include Lockjaw of the Inhumans, the New Gods (for their use of Boom Tube technology) and that guy from the Transporter movies.

 

Secretary of Energy

Green Lantern - Secretary of Energy

 

Solving an energy problem would be quite simple if President Obama follows my advice: Go Green. Green Lantern, that is.

If the Central Power Battery of the Green Lantern Corps can power over 7,200 rings throughout the known universe, surely we can squeeze just a little more juice out of it to run a few factories here and there. No waste, no toxic emissions, no danger to the environment. Green Lantern (any Green Lantern will do) is the only choice for this position.

 

Secretary of Education

Gabe Kotter - Secretary of Education

 

Since Professor Charles Xavier is the first fictional teacher who comes to mind, and would seem to be a perfect choice. He’s been doing the job for years and knows the benefits of a good education. However, I can’t help but notice that no one really graduates from Xaiver’s Institute for Higher Education. They just hang around until the school inevitably gets blown up again and the team is restructured. In fact, most of the students end up with a pretty major chip on their shoulder, and I’m not so certain this is the type of education the children of America really need.

So Professor X is out and Gabe Kotter is in! Fans of the 1970s television series Welcome Back, Kotter will remember the wise-cracking former juvenile delinquent who returned to his old alma matter to further the educations of a group of unruly wiseguys known as the Sweathogs. Over the course of four seasons, Mr. Kotter displayed an unwavering dedication to his students and an astonishing ability to get through to the kids that everyone else had given up on. His no-nonsense attitude and sense of humor prove that he will be able to hang with the super-powered members of the Cabinet and not back down. I can’t think of a better choice.

 

Secretary of Veterans Affairs

Darth Vader - Secretary of Veteran Affairs

 

It might be a controversial pick, but I’m going to go with Darth Vader. Typically, this position is filled by a veteran, which Vader is, and having gone through a rather traumatic experience while serving his galaxy during war time, Vader probably understands the needs of a veteran a bit more than the average person would. He understands the need for counseling in the case of post-traumatic stress disorder and he knows the importance of quality prosthetic limbs, should the situation require them.

And who’s going to argue with him when it comes time for budget reassessment? Darth Vader is the type of guy who gets things done, and if he wants more funding, you better believe the man is going to get it.

 

Secretary of Homeland Security

Cobra Commander - Secretary of Homeland Security

 

This is the person in charge of protecting the U.S. from terrorist attacks and responding to natural disasters. Like many of my choices, I’m sure this pick will be controversial, but as the saying goes, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

I’m going with Cobra Commander. I know what you’re thinking: “How can you expect the head of a terrorist organization determined to rule the world to protect the country from terrorist attack?!?!”

It’s quite simple. A man like Cobra Commander didn’t get to his position by being a bumbling idiot; he knows how terrorists work and will most likely be one step ahead of them at all times. As for responding to natural disasters: Surely you haven’t forgotten about the Weather Dominator? I don’t think we’ll need to worry too much about tornadoes, hurricanes and earthquakes when we’ve got a Weather Dominator in orbit. And it’ll be tough for any terrorists to attack us if the Commander has the Pyramid of Darkness up and running.

 


 

And that rounds out my choices for a Super Cabinet. Looking back, I’m a bit surprised by the number of super-villains, despots and all-around bad guys who made the list. I’m not sure if that says more about me or about my view of politics, but it ought to make for an interesting four years!

COMMENTS AND RESPONSES

Showing items 1 - 10 of 17
1 2 >  >>  
Dazzler 1/19/2009 4:30:03 AM

Wow this country is screwed tomorrow. 

They are saying over 200 mil for this "party" the taxpayers are going to pony up.  Great way to start off his run.  Welcome to the Welfare of the United States.  (WUS?)  McCain was right on the money with BO being the paris hilton of politics.  I wonder if he got that family dog yet?  His first important order of business. 

EvilMonkey 1/19/2009 4:32:53 AM

I think at this time Stark Enterprises isn't going strong.  I believe now it is called Oscorp , so that means Stark is out and Norman Osborne is in.

almostunbiased 1/19/2009 5:34:49 AM

I think it's great that he has both Reps and Dems in his cabinet.

I wouldn't hire Vader or Cobra Commander for anything.  They'd kill you and take over.

xenomorph 1/19/2009 7:05:32 AM

Dazzler, are you saying you would rather have sarah palin in the White House? Gov. Avon lady is so stupid that she couldn't even name all of the countries that make up North America, and she lives here! This bimbo made Bush look like Einstien. I would rather have Doctor Doom in charge. Yes, like palin, he is an evil super villian bent on taking over the world, but at least he's smart.

almostunbiased 1/19/2009 7:49:49 AM

Yeah, but Palin was cuter than Dr Doom.  Just sayin.

You know Obama doesn't really set his own stuff up.  And you know they spent millions on everyone else's too.  Sure it's sad when the economy is so bad that they waste it on stuff like this, but that's history.

I can see your point Dazzler.

Wallace85 1/19/2009 8:50:44 AM

The only thing I like about Palin is that shes a MILF and that's about it,now moving on.

I'm liking this cabinet but I don't think I would have Ming cause he's just a dick plain and simple lol & I don't know about Cobra Commander but I see what he's saying that Commander knows how terrorists think.In Mings place I would put in Dr.Doom cause lets face it he does take care of his people and his country.For Cobra Commander as far security goes maybe Ultron or Brainiac but they're reputation doesn't make them look good either so maybe put the Authority or just Midnighter in that postition or maybe The Boys.Don't know if I would put Neo in the Dept Of Labor I think I would put Spider-Man,cause that man busts his ass.He's been a photo journalist,lab assistant,school teacher while he was going to college,paying bills,keeping his marriage together,taking care of his aunt and then fitting in his time as Spider-Man so I put him in the Dept of Labor.

Superfist_home 1/19/2009 10:00:34 AM

 I'm going to have to disagree with your Secretary of Labor appointee, I'd have to nominate The Absorbing Man. The guy wields a ball and chain for Christ's sake, proving at first sight his knowledge of what being on a chain gang is all about. He wouldn't be a union buster nor would he be a corporate lackey (mostly because of his two syllable vocabulary) but could be entrusted to give the working man a fair shake, possibly a throttling, but they'd get paid a decent wage for it.

jorson28 1/19/2009 2:20:37 PM

I really can't believe this site loves Obama so much that it engages in stupid banter like this, trying to pick which fictional characters would be best for Obama's cabinet.  I don't remember any movie site doing that when Bush got elected, but then again, Bush was a Republican - evil in the eyes of most Democrats and so-called "progressives" before he even took office.  Even if he didn't win the first election "fair and square," he did so the second time around and, in any case, the Presidency has never been decided by popular vote, something neither party seems to mind if it's one of their own that benefits from the process and gets "elected."

Even as a registered Republican, I'm perfectly willing to give Obama the benefit of any doubt and the opportunity to be a great President if, indeed, he is capable of being such - whether or not that means anything in the inevitability of those circumstances.  Bush may have been a destructive embarrassment on many fronts, but Obama is NOT the second coming of everyone's personal Messiah and if you listen to the way he talks about the economy and the effects his plans will have on it, he's essentially saying just that, at the very least warning that he is not offering a quick solution.  As for "spying on Americans," the issue isn't privacy at all - it's racial profiling.  Bush began it after 9/11, in which the terrorist act was committed by Middle Eastern men.  Anyone who thinks the issue is privacy is as dumb as Palin - as Americans in general, we give up more of our privacy with credit cards and the Internet than Bush's wiretapping and spying ever threatened.  As for racial profiling, nobody seems to mind the stereotyping of white men of a certain age and income level as potential serial killers on the part of the FBI - as if Caucasian isn't a race - or the stereotyping of Southerners as backwards, racial idiots which, for the most part, is no longer true.  In any case, even in instances in which Southerners are racist, most don't commit actionable offenses, and if you bother to pay attention to relevant history, you'd know that racial anymosity just before and during the American Civil War was not relegated to the South but adopted by a majority of the nation's citizens in the North, as well.  Lincoln's own General McClellan of the Army of the Potommac was a Democrat and a Southern sympathizer, seeing no problem in just leaving the slavery issue alone.

Racial profiling, which should apply to the profiling of Caucasians as much as it does to every other race in the U.S., has a high chance of preventing crime not just because of skin color but because of the social and cultural problems within a certain racial group that statistically make certain crimes more likely.  Even if it can be construed as "unfair," well, the world isn't a fair place and until anyone admits that Caucasians are a race, too, one whose males are disproportionately associated with serial killings, it's hypocritical to oppose racial profiling. What's more, if you use statistics against my argument, statistics showing that most serial killers are white males, you're only bolstering the argument FOR racial profiling and, by extension, the kind of "spying" that is so hated. As for the people and the cops that unfairly tag otherwise innocent black people for street crime, legislation against those people will not only be almost impossible to enforce but will exacerbate the problem the way Prohibition made the so-calle problem of alcohol's effect on society even worse with the rise of the mob and other bootleggers that took advantage of people's desperation for the forbidden substance.  Besides, it would take a kind of racial profiling just to identify perpetrators and enforce such law.

I agree with Dazzler - innaugural parties and such are an inexcusable excess during this economic crisis, regardless of what Obama's people say they stand for.  In actual fact, the art of speech and wordplay is about the only real skill of which most of us have irrefutable proof that Obama has. No matter how capable he is, no matter how good a President he might turn out to be, he was elected for two reasons - because he talks intelligently and because he's a relatively young, half-African American Democrat that became popular with the American public almost before his political career on the national stage even began, with his speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention.  Otherwise, he's little or no more outwardly qualified than Palin, who I do agree has even less business in any kind of national governmental capacity. It's a moot point, though, because he will be the President as of tomorrow. On the whole, I'm fine with that - I like what little I've seen of Obama as a person and even a potential President (even though I think his cabinet picks bear scrutiny) - but I'm not fine with the Democratic party on the whole, one which has the clear and overt favor of an extremely influential Hollywood and what seems to be the majority of the print and television news media while doing things like pointing fingers at a single network like Fox for being at all conservative and seeking government help to force talk radio into relinquishing more of its news-talk programming to liberal ideaology while at the same time claiming to want fairness and free speech, both of which would be threatened as much by that action as it is or would be if it were true that talk-radio stations went out of their way to keep liberals off the air. People talk about the evils of things like racism and spying on Americans, but nobody really wants equality - equal rights or free speech - just the right to do the things they want, to say the things they please.  Even if the hypocrisy is spread even between the two parties, Republican and Democrat, it's clearly as or more evident on the left as on the right, blended with delusion and conscious or subconscious expectations of utopia. As for the frequent labeling of conservatives and liberals as either Fascists or Communists / Socialists, it's a dangerous activity for any fair-minded American since most of us have no clue what it's really like to live under a truly Fascist or Communist regime, which was even echoed by George Orwell in the forties. 

Superfist_home 1/19/2009 4:35:34 PM

Is jorson28 latin for "Buzzkill" or something? Well he's definitely not invited to the party, that's for sure. That's ok, Chad...that just means more hookers for us! Thanks jorson28!

ponyboy76 1/19/2009 5:45:12 PM

Superfist, I think its latin for "tool". Dude, you are in fact a tool. Not because you are a Republican or that you agree with Dazzler, who in my opinion is the biggest "tool" on this site. You are tool, for the fact that instead of just taking this article for what it is, a fun little exercise in humor, you turned it into a political tirade. For Jebus sake, man, the secretary of state is Flash Gordon! Personally, I would have went with Captain America, but that`s just me. Steve Rogers, not Bucky. If you don't like Obama becoming President, then move to Canada! To quote my learned colleague Young Jeezy," My President is Black. My Lambo is Blue and I'll be God Damn if my rims ain't too!"

nuff said

1 2 >  >>  

ADD A COMMENT

You must be logged in to leave a comment. Please click here to login.

POPULAR TOPICS