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April's Fool!

TV, Commandments, and more Thora Birch!

By Andrew Hershberger     April 14, 2003

Greetings Cinescapers! Is it just me or do the weeks feel shorter now that the days are longer? With all this extra daylight, I just don't feel like there's enough time in the day to write my string of 10-page fan letters to the lovely Thora Birch.

Thora, I know you're out there. Have you gotten my letters yet? I sent them Fed Ex, two-day delivery? Did you get my script, GHOSTER WORLD? Did you like how I had Enid battling alongside Ash to stop the EVIL DEAD in a post-apocalyptic world? Did you notice the subtle references to your greatest film, MONKEY TROUBLE? Did you like how I bound the script in a nifty macaroni cover depicting you holding a shotgun in one hand and a crazy loveable monkey in the other?

What am I saying? Of course, you did.

All fanatic antics aside, it looks like a pretty mundane week for television. Sure we've got our favorite shows and all, but what are our favorite shows when compared to Sunday's showing of THE TEN COMMANDMENTS?! How can we possibly view any other offerings as less than stellar when we know in seven excruciating days Chuck Heston will be saying, "What change is there in me? Egyptian or Hebrew, I am still Moses. These are the same hands, the same arms, the same face that were mine a moment ago?"

The pain is enough to have one rushing out and renting MONKEY TROUBLE.

Oh, the woe... the woe. If you want to share your pain, or just share, drop me a line at feedback@cinescape.com. A good cry also helps. Believe me, I know. I own the TITANIC soundtrack.


STARGATE SG-1 (7 pm, SCI-FI) Who knows what lurks in the heart of four hours of STARGATE SG-1? The TV guide knows!


SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NICK) A clubhouse is built; a seahorse is adopted; our society's greatest contemporary satire maintains its relevance.

THE FIFTH ELEMENT (8 pm, HBO) Bruce Willis visits France... or does he live in the future? Whatever. Just don't miss this eye candy.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) An ex-con wants his son found and somebody suffocates; CSI team laments that they never have time for the gator farms anymore.


BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm, UPN) An evil cleric stuns the group with extreme brutality and an inexplicable fondness for Adam Sandler's MR. DEEDS.

SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Lex spills the beans about his spying on Clark. Meanwhile, Clark investigates a schoolmate claiming to be an alien from France. Yes, it's a surprise guest appearance by the Coneheads.

24 (9 pm, Fox) Jack has to prove the Cypress tape is fake. The president becomes even more indecisive... if that's possible.

JAWS (8 pm, AMC) Shark feasts on East Coast islanders. Eventually decides that it's a losing proposition when it takes its ferry tolls into account.


Michael Gross in TREMORS: THE SERIES

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) An old enemy comes back to harass Perfection. Real estate prices continue to drop.

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) While Mayweather visits his family, the Enterprise explores an unexplained phenomenon how the female crew fits into their uniforms.

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) It's up to Fred to save the gang from Jasmine. Would you put your life in the hands of someone named Fred?

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) Dead people haunt an unscrupulous businessman who tells them to get off their haunting haunches and fix him a sandwich. Some kids find a relic that puts out the sun sunglasses.


SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (8 pm, WB) Sabrina's aunt won't give her blessing for the upcoming marriage to Aaron. Satan rises from the depths of hell and smites that fork tongued aunty, for nobody but nobody denies his mistress.

PHENOMENON (8 pm, FAM) If brain tumors made me as powerful as John Travolta in this film, I'd want one too. What's next, PHENOMENON II: SUPER CANCER?

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) It's action Las Vegas style with death by boxing, theft and a gang murder occurring. So the CSI team calls it quits and becomes slot jockeys instead.

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A student last seen with the headmaster is sought, as are donuts. Donuts prove easier to find.



LAURA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER (7:30 pm, SHOW) Ms. Jolie puts on a tight outfit and the film grosses over 100 million. Sounds about right to me.

DRAGONHEART (8 pm, STARZ) Sean Connery provides the voice for a CGI dragon that even a XENA fan wouldn't suspend disbelief for.

GOLDENEYE (8 pm, USA) Bond films start to rip off past titles with this humdrum Brosnan offering.


SpongeBob SquarePants

BATMAN (8 pm, WB) Holy Nutcracker! Not the Tim Burton version, but the classic 1966 Adam West vehicle. Inspired lunacy from start to finish, and no Goths!

BREAKER, BREAKER (8 pm, UPN) You know UPN must be hurting if they're showing this Chuck Norris crapsterpiece during prime time.

HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER (8 pm, AMC) After Sergio Leone's "Man With No Name trilogy," this is the best thing Clint Eastwood has ever done. Stranger arrives to torment the town that allowed its old sheriff to be lynched.


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (7 pm, ABC) How much Moses can you take? Not enough when it's Chuck Heston taking on the role. New enhanced version has Moses traveling to a strange land of talking apes.

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Homer takes up prayer in an attempt to gain some of Flanders' luck. Flanders responds by overeating and abusing his kids. (repeat)

CHARMED (8 pm, WB) When the satyr of the Tree of Life is killed, wood nymphs flee to San Francisco. Nobody notices.

Well, another week, another dollar. Don't forget, if you have a show that you'd like to see in this column, drop a line to feedback@cinescape.com. We will try to include it in the future. (Sorry, requests to remove a favorite show from this list will not be granted, unless you've got 10 bucks burning a hole in your pocket. Hint, hint.)

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.


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