Bolle busted

Star Wars free

By Brian Thomas     September 12, 2006

I'd like to write a bit about our Prize Closet this week. Yes, I thought that might perk you up but we'll be getting to our giveaway down below a bit. We've been running giveaways in this column fairly regularly for the past year or so, and I try to get the prizes out to the winners as soon as I can so that they don't figure they lost and buy the prize on their own. Ideally, the PR agency or label sends the prize right away sometimes before street date and I can pick winners at my leisure within a couple weeks. More often they send the prizes to me as soon as the contest announcement runs. But in some cases the prizes take quite a while to get to me, and the winners are doubly surprised to win a contest they've likely forgotten entering. And in rare circumstances, the prizes don't show up at all.

You may recall that back in May we ran a giveaway to win the inept horror action video game adaptation BLOODRAYNE on DVD, with the additional exciting announcement that one lucky winner would win a BLOODRAYNE poster signed by horror fandom's least favorite director Uwe Bolle. When the discs failed to arrive right away, I picked a couple winners and sent out some copies I'd acquired myself, but of course I wasn't about to go chasing after the autographed poster, and by August I'd written it off and forgotten about it. That is, until the other day when the prize discs arrived unexpectedly. The same day the poster arrived, but at this point I'm unsure what to do with it, as it's a bit the worse for wear. In fact, it looks like the UPS drivers took turns running over the shipping tube with their trucks in the parking lot.

Okay, so the poster is slightly crumpled, but a fan may still want to iron it out for its collector's value. That is if you propose that it actually has any value. However, I thought I'd best offer it up to you, the Reader, as an example of why we don't like Bolle for public analysis. Up above is a scan of the actual signature, if you want to call it that. I've participated in quite a few signings in my time, so I feel qualified to join in, though I'll leave it up to those of you who've studied handwriting analysis to profile our man from this sample. He's chosen the brightest spot on the poster to sign, which may have been either a practical choice as the most visible spot, or a sign of arrogance. I tend to be drawn more to the image of Kristanna Loken than to the big full moon behind her, but he's definitely chosen to put himself in the spotlight. But what gets me is the signature itself. When you sign hundreds of autographs in one sitting, your hand cramps up and legibility naturally suffers, but you try to at least make your scrawl recognizable as your own. Somebody likes your work enough that they want your signature on something, and you want them to be happy with it. This isn't a case of a celebrity caught by a crowd in the street and scribbling autographs while being jostled around. I don't imagine Bolle was signing hundreds of these posters at once, and even if he was, it was probably in a nice meeting room or hotel room. There's no "Thanks for watching my movie" or "Best wishes" or "Hang in there!" message, just a minimal set of marks that is just barely recognizable as something that might be imagined is a signature. Sure, I could give Uwe the benefit of the doubt and say that perhaps he went far out of his way in a blizzard and was suffering from pneumonia when he was scheduled to sign the posters, but he pushed on so that his fans wouldn't be disappointed. This would excuse his slapdash and careless work. But since all of the work I've seen from him has been careless and slapdash when it's not embarrassingly poorly conceived and executed I suppose it's to be expected that he'd sign his work in the same way. [Editor's Note: Careful Brian! I don't want Mr. Bolle contacting me in an effort to setup a boxing match!]

And so, if you entered this giveaway back in May and you'd still be interested in having the poster, send an email to psycho@psychotronic.info with your name and address and "UWE TOO" which states that you don't mind receiving it in less than ideal condition and I'll get it out to one of you as soon as I can.

Meanwhile, we've got some other goodies in the Prize Closet. We have copies of the new editions of STAR WARS Episode 4: A New Hope, STAR WARS Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back and STAR WARS Episode 6: Return of the Jedi, all courtesy of Fox, and five of you will win all three. Yes, the same Fox that some of you accuse of greed every time they issue a new edition of a DVD are giving them away free. To be eligible to win, send an email containing your name, address, and the title of a movie directed by the author of the EMPIRE STRIKES BACK novelization. And put "STAR WARS OT" in the email subject.

Hey! That's not all! We've also got a copy of THE OFFICE Season 2 from Universal. To enter this one, put "MIFFLIN" in the subject.

SPOTLIGHT OF THE WEEK

I hear the whole plot was stolen from old Japanese movies.

(O) STAR WARS Episode 4: A New Hope (Fox)
(O) STAR WARS Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back (Fox)
(O) STAR WARS Episode 6: Return of the Jedi (Fox) The official line on this is that these reissue editions include the restored and remastered original versions of each film "as seen in theaters in 1977, 1980 and 1983" (Does this mean I have to remember how many beers I'd drunk on opening night in 1977?). The originals are considered "bonus material" presented "in response to overwhelming demand from STAR WARS fans". These 2-disc sets, in either widescreen or fullscreen, are only supposed to be available retail until December 31.

NEW RELEASES


(O) AGATHA CHRISTIE COLLECTION: Helen Hayes (Warner Bros.) Hayes plays Miss Marple in MURDER IS EASY, A CARIBBEAN MYSTERY and MURDER WITH MIRRORS.
(O) AGATHA CHRISTIE COLLECTION: Peter Ustinov (Warner Bros.) Ustinov plays Hercule Poirot in DEAD MAN'S FOLLY, MURDER IN THREE ACTS and THIRTEEN AT DINNER.
(O) AGATHA CHRISTIE CLASSIC MYSTERY COLLECTION (Warner Bros.) Includes all six Christie mysteries above, plus THE MAN IN THE BROWN SUIT and SPARKLING CYANIDE.
(O) ALFRED HITCHCOCK: MURDER / SABOTAGE (Unicorn)
(O) ARE YOU SCARED? (Lionsgate) SAW knock-off with six teens trapped in an abandoned factory as part of a "reality" game show.
(O) AUNT ROSE (Anchor Bay) Criminals hold a family captive in their own home, until they discover an aging relative kept in a locked room. With featurettes and deleted footage.
(O) BANGKOK HAUNTED / OMEN (Panik House) 2-pack of Asian horror.
(O) BLACK MAGIC (Image) Infamous 1975 Shaw Bros. Hong Kong horror in which young couple Ti Lung and Lily Li are stalked by evil sorcerer Lo Lieh. Served up uncut with all the gore and disgusting f/x that delighted 1970s grindhouse audiences.
(O) BLOODZ VS. WOLVES (Genius) Shouldn't that be "VZ."? In this "urban" version of UNDERWORLD, immortal vampires and werewolves aspire to nothing beyond the concerns of common street gangs.
(O) BOOT HILL / THEY CALL ME TRINITY (Unicorn)
(O) BOTTOMS UP (Sony) Bartender Jason Mewes goes to Hollywood to compete in a cocktail championship.
(O) THE BROTHERHOOD (Genius) David DeCoteau's original 2000 vampire frat flick.
(O) THE BROTHERHOOD 4: THE COMPLEX (Genius) The latest sequel.
(O) CRYPT OF THE VAMPIRE (Retromedia) 1962 Italian horror (aka TERROR IN THE CRYPT) with Christopher Lee. Widescreen.
(O) DARK ASSASSIN (Hart Sharp) When an con who took the fall for a mobster gets out of jail, his old cronies are murdered one by one, and he becomes the prime suspect.
(O) DARK FIELDS (Lionsgate) Five teens in a farmhouse vs. an axe-swinging psycho.
(O) THE DEATH OF MR. LAZERESCU (Tartan) Acclaimed Romanian black comedy chronicles one man's journey through the medical system. With interview and featurettes.
(O) DIAGNOSIS MURDER Complete First Season (Paramount) Dr. Dick Van Dyke solves murder cases. Includes the episode of JAKE & THE FATMAN that spun off the character.
(O) FILM NOIR: The Dark Side of Hollywood (Kino) Another great box of noir flicks, all previously available separately: SUDDEN FEAR, RAILROADED, BEHIND LOCKED DOORS, HANGMEN ALSO DIE and THE LONG NIGHT.
(O) FIST OF FEAR / FISTS OF BRUCE LEE (Unicorn)
(O) THE GREAT NEW WONDERFUL (Vivendi) Five interconnected storylines of comedy and drama about people in New York in September 2002 are given a new twist on DVD, as you can choose to watch the theatrical release or in the form of five different featurettes from the point of view of just one of the characters. This would work great for a modern remake of Kurosawa's RASHOMON or some great twisty mystery thriller. Includes director commentrak, deleted footage, behind-the-scenes and more.
(O) THE GREAT YOKAI WAR (Media Blasters) Takashi Miike's tribute to the trilogy of Yokai Monster films made in the late 1960s.
(O) HARRY KNUCKLES AND THE PEARL NECKLACE (Eclectic/MVD) An action comedy from the team behind JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER.
(O) THE HAUNTED PUMPKIN OF SLEEPY HOLLOW (Genius)
(O) HEADSPACE (Vivendi) A young man's intellect is increased, but he finds himself at the center of a string of murders. Includes commentrak, Making-Of, deleted footage and more.
(O) HELLBENT (Genius) 2004 horror in which a quartet of men is pursued by a psycho praying on gays.
(O) KILLER BASH (Genius) David DeCoteau horror in which a possessed girl gains popularity with her peers.
(O) THE LAST SECT (Genius) Vampire movie with David Carradine.
(O) LAUREL & HARDY COLLECTION Volume 2 (Fox) Includes THE DANCING MASTERS, A-HAUNTING WE WILL GO and BULLFIGHTERS.
(O) LOOK @ ME (Maverick) An online temptress is kidnapped by a fan.
(O) LUCKY # SLEVEN (Genius/Weinstein) Josh Hartnett stumbles into a feud between mobsters involving Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu,Morgan Freeman, Sir Ben Kingsley and Stanley Tucci. Widescreen & fullscreen editions include commentrak, deleted/alternate footage, Making-Of and more.
(O) THE MAID (Tartan) Singapore's all time horror hit about a superstitious Filipino domestic who breaks all the rules on Chinese Halloween. Includes Making-Of.
(O) MASTERS OF HORROR: Dance of the Dead (Anchor Bay) Tobe Hooper directs a tale of blooming romance in a post-apocalypse nightmare club.
(O) MOONLIGHTING Season 4 (Lionsgate) With commentraks.
(O) MURDER A LA MOD / THE MOVING FINGER (Image) Brian DePalma makes his directorial debut with a gory 1968 horror skin flick / An unreleased crime thriller set in the Greenwich Village beatnik scene. From Something Weird Video.
(O) MUTANT (Genius)
(O) THE OFFICE Season Two (Universal) Do I have to tell you how funny this show is? Aren't you too busy entering the giveaway? All 22 episodes plus webisodes, commentraks, bloopers, PSAs and more.
(O) ONE SHOCKING MOMENT / THE ABNORMAL FEMALE / MAIDENS OF FETISH STREET (Image) Something Weird kinky trio.
(O) ROAD TO BALI / MY FAVORITE BRUNETTE (Unicorn)
(O) SAFETY IN NUMBERS (Image) "Reality" game show survivors gather for a reunion on an island, but find horror. Wow, that's two horror movies about "reality" game shows on the same day. Aren't they both ripping off PINATA SURVIVAL ISLAND?
(O) SHADOW: DEAD RIOT (Media Blasters) Tony Todd in a mish-mosh kung fu zombie WIP flick. Special edition bundled with zombie keychain. You know, you can put the key to the gas pump on there.
(O) SMALLVILE Complete Fifth Season (Warner Bros.) Clark Kent isn't even in Smallville anymore. He's away at college, and characters from his future keep popping up. Or the good guys turn evil and wear leather. 6-disc set includes commentraks, Making-Of episode 100, deleted footage, webisodes and more. Also available bundled with seasons 1-4.
(O) STELLA Season One (Comedy Central/Paramount) Bizarre comedy stars Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black and David Wain as three guys in suits that share an apartment. Reminds me a lot of THE GOODIES with fewer Brits. Includes commentraks on all 10 episodes (SIMPSONS did it), bloopers, featurettes and deleted footage.
(O) STEPHEN KING THRILLER COLLECTION (Paramount) Includes THE DEAD ZONE, PET SEMATARY, SILVER BULLET and GRAVEYARD SHIFT. Boo!
(O) STREET FIGHTER / LEGEND OF THE EIGHT SAMURAI (Unicorn)
(O) TEEN TERROR COLLECTION (Image) Includes TEENAGE DOLL, TEENAGE MONSTER and TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE.
(O) THE TERROR / LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (Unicorn)
(O) TRICK OR TREAT (Genius)
(O) 25 YEARS OF IMPROV COMEDY (Image) Live from the Chicago Theater! I know multi-layer technology has increased capacity, but I find it hard to believe that they could fit 25 years on one disc. Plus, the drink prices are pretty steep.

BLU-RAY DISC CORNER

(O) THE BIG HIT (Sony) Includes 2 commentraks.
(O) JAY & SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (Buena Vista)
(O) A KNIGHT'S TALE (Sony)
(O) S.W.A.T. (Sony)

HD-DVD CORNER

(O) GALAXINA (BCI Eclipse) Includes commentrak, interview, scripts, booklet and more.
(O) GOLGO 13 (BCI Eclipse) Sonny Chiba as the manga master assassin.
(O) HOUSE OF WAX (Warner Bros.) Includes commentrak, bloopers, featurettes, gag reel and alternate opening.
(O) LETHAL WEAPON 2 (Warner Bros.) Includes
(O) RED DRAGON (Universal) With commentrak, featurettes, screen tests, storyboards and more.
(O) SPACE COWBOYS (Warner Bros.) Includes featurettes and interviews.
(O) TRAFFIC (Universal)
(O) TROY (Warner Bros.) With Making-Of featurettes.


UMD CORNER

(O) PULP FICTION (Buena Vista)



And be sure to check back next weekand every weekfor CINESCAPE's DVD Shopping List! And don't forget Anime Avalanche every Saturday!

DVD Shopping List (© 2006 Brian Thomas) is our weekly DVD column. Brian Thomas is the author of the massive book VideoHound's DRAGON: ASIAN ACTION & CULT FLICKS, available now!

Questions? Comments? Let us know what you think at DVDShoppingList@cinescape.com.