Greetings Cinescapers! How was your Fourth of July weekend? Mine was awful. I don't want to go into too much detail, but apparently you're supposed to let go of the fireworks after you light them. But no worry - I can still type up my column with what's left of my left hand and a straw I hold in my mouth.
As with many post-holiday weekends the television slots are filled with low-grade offerings, creating a feeling that network executives believe the average viewer needs a week to recover after any three-day holiday. Pity. Personally I wish they'd sink even lower with their programming so as to give reviewers like me a cheap rise. Shouldn't this be the perfect time for such questionable programs as IT'S HEPATITIS C CHARLIE BROWN, THE LIFE AND TIMES OF GABE KAPLAN, and RUSSEL SIMMONS' DEF PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION?
Anyway it's a time to be lazy and relax under the hot July sun - unless you're from Australia or New Zealand or any other Hollywood location stealing country, then I imagine it's a pretty cold July sun and your water drains the opposite direction from mine so why waste time with unnecessary words. After all, the lyrics to that crappy '80s song go, "What are words for, if no one listens any more."
Apparently that band never heard of reading.
Do yourself a favor this week and drop me a line at TVWasteland@cinescape.com, if for nothing else than to work on your writing skills.
MONDAY, JULY 7
DEATH IN VENICE (8 pm, PBS) Thomas Mann's novella is interpreted by director Luchino Visconti with the starring role played by Dirk Bogarde. The only way to improve upon that mix is to have a score by Gustav Mahler... oh wait. (As with all PBS listings, programs change from station to station, so confirm with your local Michael Gross in TREMORS: THE SERIES © 2003 Sci-Fi ChannelTV listings.)
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Spongebob contemplates a life change, buys oval pants. (Repeat)
BEST IN SHOW (8 pm, COM) You know, in some countries they eat dogs. Learn that and more in Christopher Guest's satirical look at dog show contestants.
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) When Horatio's mentor is killed it allows the character be more of a vigilante with minimal complaints by the left wing. (Repeat)
TUESDAY, JULY 8
SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Freak of the week wants to kill all the old and feeble in Smallville by incineration. Lethal injection companies from around the world come to the rescue. (Repeat)
LAST COMIC STANDING (9 pm, CBS) Owen Wilson throws out some of his patented one liners at a disinterested Wallace Shawn, who constantly asks the judges why he, a playwright, is part of this mess. When Wilson says, "Hey, you're that inconceivable PRINCESS BRIDE character," Shawn retorts with, "You want inconceivable?" and proceeds to break both of Wilson's hands, rip his head off his body and then use the attached spine as a makeshift saber to fend off an angry Luke Wilson and Wes Anderson.
MAD DOG AND GLORY (8 pm, OXYGEN) Bill Murray won quite a few accolades for his performance as a gangster in this film. Shame nobody showed up to BEST IN SHOW © Warner Home Videosee it. 
MODERN TIMES (8:30 pm, TCM) Chaplin's look at mechanization was considered by some to be a rip-off of Rene Clair's A NOUS LA LIBERTE - made 5 years earlier. But who's going to believe a film that didn't even bother to have its name changed into English? Really!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 9
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN), Trip has to trip up an alien on a planet before the sun rises, otherwise both will die. Meanwhile, in heaven God wonders why he's created so many cheesy plot device planets for the Enterprise to run into. (Repeat)
CADDYSHACK II (8 pm, FAM) If there is one film that screams family entertainment that film is CADDYSHACK II. But seriously folks, better to let your kids watch the Spice channel then this garbage.
BAD BOYS (9 pm, TNT) TNT goes for the cheap ratings score by showing this when the heavily promoted sequel is about to be released.
THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1) A guy gets a space flu and nobody believes him. 2) Some guy creates an infinite power source and somebody else gets in his face about it. (Repeat)
THURSDAY, JULY 10
BRINGING UP BABY (8 pm, TCM) Before Katherine Hepburn died she made quite a few good movies, like this one. Cary Grant plays a geek like only the most debonair man on the planet could and Katherine, sweet Katherine, well, she plays annoying like only she can. Directed by Howard "RIO BRAVO" Hawks.
REN & STIMPY / GARY THE RAT / STRIPPERELLA (10 pm, TNN) Still being produced!
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) The team investigates an accident where a car crashed into a restaurant. Restaurant staff gets annoyed at the CSI team's tendency to steal fries off patrons' plates. (Repeat)
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A reporter goes missing. Later the team finds him investigating his own disappearance. His conclusion, "I was behind the couch!" (Repeat)
FRIDAY, JULY 11
BACKDRAFT (8 pm, TNT) Once there was an attempt to make William Baldwin a star; we've grown so much smarter A CINESCAPE 4th of July © CINESCAPEsince then.
TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) When environmentalists decide to protect El Blanco, they become el food-o.
STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) The team discovers a thriving environment under a force field dome on a planet. They celebrate by each having a can of Milwaukee's Best. The real man's 75-cent beer.
SATURDAY, JULY 12
TURNER & HOOCH (7 pm, TBS) Team Tom Hanks up with a wacky pet sidekick/crime fighting partner and what does it spell? F-L-O-P. (Oddly enough, the man/dog buddy picture to beat remains the James Belushi vehicle K9, no joke.)
YOu'VE GOT MAIL (8 pm, TNT) Watch this remake of THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER for definitive proof that Tom Hanks is not this generation's Jimmy Stewart. (Nor is Meg Ryan this generation's Margaret Sullivan for that matter.)
STAGECOACH (8 pm, ABC) John Ford's classic western may be a bit hokey at times but overall this is one damn fine classic, inspiring the likes of Orson Welles, Akira Kurosawa and the guy who has a hot dog stand outside my place of employment, Peter Bogdanovich.
SUNDAY, JULY 13
A STAR IS BORN (6 pm, TCM) George Cukor directs Judy Garland in her best film performance as a singer on the rise. However, the show really belongs to James Mason as the alcoholic husband on the decline. A three-hour film that you'll wish was seven.
FUTURAMA (7 pm, FOX) Fry loses his nose, the show loses its sense of humor. (Maybe they left it under the couch.)
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) When Bart joins one club and Milhouse another, there can only be one result: a fight to the death with chainsaws. (Repeat)
ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) Faye Dunaway tracks Sydney in the hopes of scoring the airtime a star of her magnitude deserves. (Repeat)
And so the day draws to a close. You should all be happy that this week I am not going to shamelessly plug my favorite band, Ween! No, I am not going to let you know that they have a new album, QUEBEC, coming out on August 5th, nor that I got punched in the face in front of a McDonalds for talking about Ween. That clown mascot is a real ass.
Folks, next week we may try another game, or we may just tread water. Until then, stay out of trouble and write down some of your most lurid thoughts and e-mail them to me at TVWasteland@cinescape.com - only submissions that include a picture will be responded to.
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.
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