Andrew McCarthy leads the cast in Stephen King's KINGDOM HOSPITAL.
© ABC
A Brief Hello and a Sad Farewell
By: Andrew HershbergerDate: Monday, March 01, 2004
Based on Actual Television Shows
Greetings Cinescapers! It has been a sad week here in the wasteland; writer and former Vidiocy scribe John Thonen has passed on. I had the pleasure of knowing John and I can't express how great the man was. It was damn awesome to have known him and he will be sorely missed. Now do yourself a favor, type his name in the Cinescape search engine and treat yourself to some of his reviews, it will be worth it.
In less somber but still depressing news, ANGEL is in danger of being cancelled. If you are a fan it is time to get that grassroots campaign going. If you are not a fan, don't do anything.
Folks, Aaron Thall is back with a guest blurb! You'll find it below.
On that note, you'll find the regular assortment of bad jokes and terrible puns that adorn what we think you should check out on the telly.
Got anything? Send it to TVWasteland@cinescape.com.
MONDAY, MARCH 1
THE FAIRLY ODD PARENTS (8 pm, Nik) When Timmy wishes his father had a cooler job, his father becomes Justine Waddell plays actress Natalie Wood in the TV movie THE MYSTERY OF NATALIE WOOD. © ABC
CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES (8 pm, TBS) Yet another reason never to move there.
THE MYSTERY OF NATALIE WOOD (8 pm, ABC) Forget the mystery of this deceased REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE star, focus on the mystery of director Peter Bogdanovich, who went from the heights of THE LAST PICTURE SHOW and PAPER MOON to the low of helming a three-hour ABC biopic. I guess the grosses on ILLEGALLY YOURS and TEXASVILLE weren't exactly stupendous.
CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) The title of this one is "Money for Nothing." It's about Horatio's insane love for Dire Straights. (Note for readers under the age of 117: Dire Straights was a popular band back in one of those dinosaur periods. They had a huge hit with a song called "Money for Nothing" before they were all killed during a mastodon hunt.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 2
CONAN THE DESTROYER (8 pm, AMC) Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an American Movie Classic.
I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (9 pm, SCIFI) Well good for you.
CITIZEN KANE (10 pm, TCM) The story of a walking stick that tries to become an American citizen.
NYPD BLUE (10 pm, ABC) A mobster goes after the motorist who killed his daughter. Sounds like another hit there Davy. (Note to our readers under 176, this last line is a direct reference to an episode of THE BRADY BUNCH in which one-time Monkees front-man Davy Jones appeared in it ... sorry, story's too damn long.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3
CHARLIE: THE LIFE AND ART OF CHARLES CHAPLIN/THE KID/CHAPLIN TODAY:THE KID/THE IDLE CLASS/CHARLIE:THE LIFE AND ART OF CHARLES CHAPLIN/TILLIE'S PUNCTURED ROMANCE/CHAPLIN AT ESSANY STUDIOS III/CHAPLIN AT ESSANY STUDIOS IV (8 pm, TCM) Chaplin marathon on TCM. Count this as a can't miss.
ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) "In a desperate bid to get people to watch, they bring back the temporal cold war in the midst of the Xindi saga. Nothing says 'watch me' like two lame duck plotlines intersecting." (-Aaron Thall)
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL/THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (8 pm, AMC) First Lana (Kristen Kreuk) is on the run for her life in "Crisis". © The WB Television Network
SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Clark learns that Adam plans to shoot Lana. Figures. Better him then me.
STEPHEN KING's KINGDOM HOSPITAL (9 pm, ABC) The two-hour premiere episode of Stephen King's story about a haunted hospital and the creepy characters that walk its halls. ABC has 13 more episodes to show before it decides whether to pick the show up for next season.
ANGEL (9 pm, FOX) With the body of Fred possessed by the demon Illyria, Angel and the rest of the Fang Gang try and stop her from calling forth her demon army. Maybe they can convince Illyria to sic the army on The WB executives that ordered ANGEL's cancellation.
THURSDAY, MARCH 4
TRU CALLING (8 pm, FOX) Dead people start harassing Tru, so she quits drinking. (Repeat)
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) When a dog finds a human head, Grissom says, "I wonder if he can find my keys." Everybody just stares at him. (Repeat)
PRINCESS DIANA: THE SECRET TAPES (9:59 pm, NBC) Well, obviously, they didn't stay that way.
WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A woman, whose features resemble those of a series of murder victims from a cobweb covered case, goes missing. Doesn't look too good. Directed by Tim Matheson.
FRIDAY, MARCH 5
JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) Joan babysits for a child obsessed with death. The boy's Goth parents can't explain it. (Repeat)
STARGATE SG-1 (8 pm, SCIFI) 1) When The President (William Devane) makes a decision that might change STARGATE SG-1 forever in "Inauguration". © The Sci Fi Channel
REBA (8 pm, WB) 1) Reba's meddlesome ways cause Van to botch his football tryout Van compensates by binge drinking. 2) Kyra and Barbra Jean hide a cat in the attic and then forget about it. The rest is pure tragedy. (Repeats)
DARKMAN II: THE RETURN OF DURANT (10 pm, AMC) Another American Movie Classic.
SATURDAY, MARCH 6
POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE (8 pm, TOON) And still the best.
TEEN TITANS (9 pm, TOON) Something or other happens.
BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (9:45 pm, IFC) A girl group enters the sordid world of success. From the Director of FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) yucks a plenty.
SUNDAY, MARCH 7
THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Marge starts knocking tax exemptions that favor the individual Paige (Rose McGowan) conjures a spell to reveal an angry ghost in CHARMED's "Love's a Witch". © The WB Television Network
CHARMED (8 pm, WB) 1) The sisters contact a vengeful ghost who has been up to some no good meddling. 2) Paige discovers her boss has sold his soul for career success, manager of Tast-e-frank. (Repeats)
BLACKBOARD JUNGLE (8 pm, TCM) A tough teacher takes on tough teens in a tough neighborhood. That's three times too much tough. You'll get a black eye if you watch this.
ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) Something crazy happens, crazy I tell you.
And so it all comes to a close.
Letters/complaints send them to Tvwasteland@cinescape.com
(Note: If you've enjoyed your John Thonen reading experience, you may want to check out the film TIMESWEEP, which he co-wrote.)
TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.
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