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BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

Buffy (Kristy Swanson, DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?) is a spoiled, stupid, teenage cheerleader who speaks in a cryptic style talk and, aside from her attractive form, seems no more engaging than a pencil sharpener. However, there is more than meets the eye, for Buffy, as it turns out, is part of a long line of vampire slayers and as such is inherently skilled in the deadly arts. This aspect of her personality lies, for the most part, dormant until one day a strange man named Merrick (Donald Sutherland, S*P*Y*S*) comes to help her hone her skills. This couldn't occur at a better time, for her town is on the verge of a major vampire attack compliments of the ancient bloodsucker Lothos (Rutger Hauer, THE HITCHER) and his sidekick Amilyn (Paul Reubens, a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman). The usual interplay of teacher/student occurs between Buffy and Merrick while the town's vampire population starts to explode. Throw in the town loner Pike (Luke Perry, MORTAL KOMBAT: THE ANIMATED SERIES) as an eventual love interest and battle partner and all the pieces are in place for some series undead ass-kicking.

One of the big promises of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER is the mix of comedy and action, and on both levels it doesn't deliver. While Pike utters one-liners under his breath, ala James Dean in REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE, they rarely reach the point of actually being amusing. Then there is Paul Reubens as Amilyn: while he may utter the film's funniest line, "kill him a lot," (hey, I'm not giving anything away - it's in the trailer) that's about the only funny thing he does. His infamous, exceptionally long death scene is handled poorly and it only comes across as embarrassing.

In case you thought I forgot the action, don't worry, so did the director. The scenes of battle in this film are so inadequately choreographed and edited, you never really know what's going on. These scenes also lack any semblance of tension that could've given them an edge.

The cinematography in this film is also uninspired and the whole thing looks as ugly as a mid-'80s made-for-TV movie. Well, maybe not that good.

Rounding out the cast: Kristy Swanson as Buffy is rather lifeless and plays her role too broad. Rutger Hauer as Lothos is perhaps one of the least appealing romantic vampires, coming across more like David Soul with a mustache. Donald Sutherland does fine as Merrick actually, if the character were interesting he'd be the best thing about this film (instead it's the ending credits). Up and comers Hilary Swank and David Arquette are particularly un-noteworthy. Arquette, by now, we know sucks, but Academy Award winner Swank's acting is so bad that, well, maybe that Oscar should be revoked.

Surprisingly, for a film that inspired such a cult TV series, Fox released this turd with little in the way of perks. Perhaps they figured the less attention they could draw to it the better oh, how right those studio heads sometimes are.

Released in its widescreen (1.85:1) theatrical ratio, this print goes far in showing how lacking director Fran Rubel Kuzui was in regards to framing. The quality of the print is far better than the content though, and is pretty much blemish free; however, grain does come through during the night sequences. The digital transfer is fine and the presentation is anamorphic.

Sound wise, the 4.0 Dolby mix really kicks out the crappy early '90s tunes that sound like throwaways from mid to late '80s films. The Dolby 2.0 audio track is also O.K. However, some of the dialogue sounds like it was recorded in a rusty shed.

The disc features two television spots and one theatrical trailer, all of which make the film seem almost as boring as it really is. There is also a three-minute featurette included that goes a long way in explaining nothing.

Screenwriter Joss Whedon should thank his lucky stars that he was able to not only salvage this wreck with the hit TV show, but also get the opportunity at all. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER is a prime example of a high concept idea resulting in an insufferable product. For all it promises, it delivers on nothing in any way that passes for entertainment. A boring, sorry mess of a film.