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A Change is Going to Come

By Andrew Hershberger October 13, 2003

JAKE 2.0
© 2003 UPN

Based on Actual Television Shows

Greetings Cinescapers! Soon you'll be noticing some changes around here. Yes sir, things may never be the same at ol' TV Wasteland. What's that you say?! Nothing?! Well if I were me listening to me I'd say, "Why?" But you're just too darn cool to care. What's it to you if you make a grown man cry? Yeah, that's right, I tell it like I think it is!

Seriously, frogs! (Bwah ha ha ha... get it?! Frogs instead of folks... uh, sorry.) Seriously folks, with the popularity of JAKE 2.0 being so great I've decided to inject myself with nanites, and you know what?! That's right, I'm writing this from the hospital. Prognosis is bad and it looks like I only have a few weeks to live, but hey, once the magical super powers kick in I'll be sitting pretty.

Nanites is French for window cleaner, right?

Last week I asked you kind folks what "Yo dogs it be brick in here" meant. And it turns out it translates into, "Hello fellows, it be a mighty chilly in this here location."

This week we've started listing ALIAS again, because that Jennifer Lopez is so damn hot. Shame the show stars Jennifer Garner, but hey, she was in DAREDEVIL with ol' Ben who's engaged to J. Lo and that's only 2 degrees of separation, which is just fine by me.

Got something to say? Don't say it to the wall, say it to me at TVWasteland@cinescape.com.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 13

THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS (8 pm, NIK)

Jimmy and his robot dog Goddard in JIMMY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS

This week the boy genius leaves his shoes on the stairs, where somebody could trip over them, and forgets to put the milk back in the refrigerator where it belongs.

ASTEROID (8 pm, FAM) Mighty rocks head towards Earth. It could happen.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) After a 14 year old tennis player disappears, one of the team remarks that it would be amusing if she were 15 and running away for romance, because then they could chalk it all up to 15 love. Horatio says, "That's not funny, this kid could be dead."

EVERWOOD (9 pm, WB) When Andy brings Dr. Abbott home, Delia becomes little Ms. Pottymouth. Andy immediately suggests that Dr. Abbott prescribe Delia some of those "happy" pills all the commercials are talking about. Some Dad.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14

BEWITCHED (8 pm, TVLAND) Got Elizabeth Montgomery? 8 episodes back to back.

CASINO (8 pm, USA) Another violent mob picture from celebrated filmmaker Martin Scorsese.

MOSTLY TRUE STORIES: URBAN LEGENDS REVEALED (9 pm, TLC) All that crap your uncle told you, well it turns out it was all crap. Hope they feature the South American rat dog story.

MI-5 (9 pm, A&E) No, I am 6.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN)

JAKE 2.0

Hoshi gets held hostage. Try saying that five times fast.

SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Clark, sort of an extraterrestrial werewolf if you think about it with the image change and all, gets shot with a kryptonite bullet. Bummer.

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) A werewolf is hunted by restaurateurs as a possible entr�e. Angel comes to the aid of yet another of the devil's minions.

JAKE 2.0 (9 pm, UPN) When a laboratory rat dies, Diane cries. It's a very special episode of JAKE 2.0.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16

THE GODFATHER, PART III (8 pm, USA) And the sad thing is we asked for this.

KING KONG (8 pm, AMC) Ah, is there anything more romantic than seeing a guy in an ape suit get pumped full of lead? The 1976 re-make.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) The team, thirsting for a conviction, looks for more evidence after the evidence they already had gets thrown out of court.

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A 14 year old violinist disappears. Maybe she's hanging out with the 14-year old tennis player from CSI: MIAMI.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17

REBA (8 pm, WB) A counselor works with the family in an attempt to get them to vent their innermost feelings and clear the air. Reba, feeling the anger of one who slaves for her family but receives little in the way of rewards/satisfaction, reduces her daughters to tears and emasculates her husband.

TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCI-FI) Perfection gets strong media play when some environmentalists want to protect El Blanco. (Repeat)

STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) The team finds yet another planet inhabited by ex-slaves of the Goa'uld.

THEY LIVE (9:55 pm, AMC) Roddy Piper gets some ugly sunglasses that enable him to see aliens in disguise. One of John Carpenter's best.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18

TEEN TITANS / HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (9 pm, TOON)

Linda Park as Ensign Hoshi Sato on ENTERPRISE

Cyborg proves himself a quitter. He-man experiences a stand of the last sort.

SOUTH PARK (10 pm, COM) When your dog is gay, you need Big Gay Al. (Repeat)

GEORGY GIRL (10:15 pm, TCM) Hey, know that annoying song that goes, "Hey there Georgy girl..."? Well, this is the film it's from.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19

CHARMED (8 pm, WB) The sisters have a s�ance where they contact a pissed off ghost. Guess Casper's line was busy.

THE REPTILE / THE PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES / THE UNKNOWN / THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME / THE SEVENTH VICTIM / CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED (8 pm, TCM) When I was growing up I used to scan the TV listings praying to God that just one, one I tell you, of these films might be showing in a given week. Now TCM is playing them all in one glorious night! What a great thing, cable; magnificent indeed!

ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) Sydney plays with fire, Vaughn burns with jealousy. And they told me I wasn't good enough to write movie taglines!

TARZAN (9 pm, WB) Tarzan finds a missing child. The world rests easier.

And so ends another week of selective TV listings. I'd just like you to know that this article was dictated to my nurse, Ms. Booth, for I have apparently lost the use of both arms. However, once the nanites finish doing their thing, I'll be lifting parked cars and doing all that other Superman crap with these puppies.

Oh, I can hardly wait!

Need your car lifted? Contact me at TVwasteland@Cinescape.com.

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.