THE CHRISTMAS SEASON MASSACRE

There are many classic Christmas movies to choose from as you gather the whole family together holiday season. But let's say you hate Christmas, you hate your family, and you pretty much hate everything else. And let's say you'd like to ruin Christmas for everyone, while still providing a tie-in feature once Cousin Jimmy's choice of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN is over. Well, here's the perfect movie for you.

The weather has always presented problems for the makers of Christmas movies, whether for the regular family fare or more psychotronic Xmas movies like SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT or BLACK CHRISTMAS. To get just the right snowy environment you either have to go somewhere where (hopefully) the weather will cooperate, or else rent some snow-making machinery. Both techniques cost a lot of money, and some films need to use both, but what if you don't have any money? The makers of CHRISTMAS SEASON MASSACRE do an end run around the dilemma by setting the action in "Christmastown, California" (although shot in Missouri during the summer), allowing everyone to wear shorts at all times.

Local cool guy Boom Boom (writer Eric Stanze) parks out in Lame Dog Hollow with girlfriend Kitty (Julie Farrar) and does a major job of exposition, telling how high school student Tommy "Oneshoe" McGroo (Michael Hill) came by his name, and subsequently became a homicidal maniac due to a traumatic Christmas morning disappointment. Ever since, McGroo is said to be stalking the woods around the Hollow, killing off neckers and campers in the tradition of 1980s slasher movies while wearing an eye patch (an attempt by McGroo to dress like a pirate for complicated reasons I can't remember). Once the job of explaining the backstory is over, of course both Boom Boom and Kitty become the latest victims.

Up to now, there's been a vein of humor running through the material even amid bloody mayhem, but the sequence following takes the film into complete screwball territory. Maybe you've seen another movie in which a woman is handcuffed to a couch while her husband, on orders from his doctor, has sex with her wearing a watermelon mask under the Christmas tree. If you have, please let me know.

The main plot gets underway as the surviving members of McGroo's class gather in a cabin at Lame Dog Hollow with the purpose of tracking down the killer. However, nobody seems to be too concerned with this task, and occupies their time with sunbathing, pranks, and rounds of strip Trivial Pursuit while waiting for the killer to pick them off in extremely gory fashion.

It's obviously that the movie is a spoof, and at times it's very funny, but many scenes just go on too long, making it feel like they're padding the material. The cast, most of whom are first-time actors, are game for the show, but are often unconvincing. Hill makes for an oddly uninvolved killer, going about his business as if he's just testing the cheap practical special effects to see if they work. The picture is redeemed somewhat by a lone moment of pathos at the climax, as classmate Danny (Chris Belt) faces up to McGroo and kills him, only to find that the menace is greater and stranger -than he thought. This leads directly into a surreal and blackly comic finish played against a lovely tune called "A Pirate's Christmas" by Hotel Faux Pas.

The feature running time is only about an hour, followed directly by ten minutes of credits and outtakes (including a shot of actor Jason Christ breaking a windshield with his head during a troubled driving scene). The shot-on-video image quality is poor, with whites constantly blooming. The audio is very loud, much louder than most DVDs, and the songs on the soundtrack are even louder, though they're all pretty good and much preferable to the bad synth incidental music.

While at one time a zero budget horror movie like this one might not have been released at all, in the 21^st century, everything is worthy of deluxe treatment on DVD. On the first of two commentraks, Jeremy Wallace talks about how he came to make his directorial debut with this "little quickie of a movie", and does a good job telling why they did everything the way they did. Cast members Farrar, Belt and Jason Christ contribute a giggle-filled second commentrak, and confirm that this was one of those movies that was more fun to make than it is to watch. Wallace and some of these actors would be back for much more serious horrors in THE UNDERTOW.

The DVD also features trailers for MASSACRE and 3 other Sub Rosa Extreme productions, seven minutes of behind-the-scenes footage, and isolated footage of the songs Mike Wallace ad-libs throughout the movie (until he gets killed). There's also a bonus short feature, FRANK WANG: THE VENGEANCE by Chris Grega. This 38-minute featurette, which is in black and white for no apparent reason, stars Akiyuki Sakai as a martial arts master on a revenge mission, and is likely the best kung fu comedy ever made in St. Louis.