Cover art for FABLES: ANIMAL FARM.
© 2003 DC Comics

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Comicscape - July 23, 2003

OPINION

Before I start off the list of the most painful comic book-related movies, a few points of business. First, Mike Yaremko asks me to remind everyone of a movie that often gets forgotten (including by myself, apparently), THE ROCKETEER, which he feels is as faithful to the original as possible. David James agrees and adds THE SHADOW to that list, even though it's not strictly a comic book film. I agree about THE ROCKETEER being a faithful adaptation - though I'm afraid I still found it boring as hell. THE SHADOW kinda left me cold, too, despite Alec Baldwin. Several people mentioned THE PHANTOM, as well, although a) it also left me cold, and b) it's based on a comic strip, not a film. But maybe we should do a column on comic strip adaptations next?

I've also been informed by "KelE118" that ROAD TO PERDITION, which got honorable mention last week, should really have been on the Ten Worst List (and as I still haven't seen it, I should probably just take it out of consideration); and "a fan named Patrick" suggests that I start with the lowest ranking and go to the top ranking - admittedly, I should have done that with the Ten Best, but is doing it with the Ten Worst too late? (I'll pass on your suggestion to do a Top 50, though - I only do one of these per week, after all!)

Again, no hate mail again this week (apart from that jerk who keeps sending me the same computer virus, from the same address, as if I suddenly won't notice and will finally open it - man, some folks are dumb), and judging from the mail I did get, most people agree with the Ten Best rankings - and for those who missed them, they are, from best to merely excellent: 1.BATMAN, 2.X-MEN/X2, 3. SPIDERMAN, 4.SUPERMAN II, 5.SUPERMAN, 6. THE HULK, 7. THE CROW, 8. FROM HELL, 9. BLADE, and 10. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. Now, while that last one caused a tiny bit of disagreement, most of you were completely in agreement about the Worst of the Worst, so starting with Least Bad and preceding to Worst, here we go:

10. FANTASTIC FOUR: Despite the fact that this movie was never officially released (though you can still grab a copy from eBay or from a comics convention dealers room easily enough), almost everyone who sent in a vote mentioned this one, with some putting it at the top of their lists. And what might you expect from a movie that was rushed into production by Roger Corman - Corman, of all people! - to make sure he didn't waste the license fees? Probably having the Corman name attached to it should be proof enough of how dire this is - though if Marvel Enterprises goes with that "goofball dramedy" idea mooted for the new film version, we may all very well wish Corman kept hold of the license...

9. DAREDEVIL: We can't just say "Ben Affleck, 'nuff said" on this one, though maybe we should, as he's one of the most miscast actors ever to appear in a comic book movie. Of course, I haven't been able to see a single film he's been in without thinking VOYAGE OF THE MIMI - and if you know what I'm talking about, write in and let me know I'm not the only one old enough to remember this? (The most miscast actor, of course, was Michael Keaton, but look what he did with the opportunity. There's miscasting, and then there's miss-casting...) "BoJoMullet17" says it best: "Ben Affleck trying to act is like Warwick Davis trying to beat Shaq in one on one street ball. I never understood how any of the characters started to magically 'fly' around building tops ([as in] CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON) as if gravity meant nothing. And if loud noises hurt DD's ears so much why the hell does he crank up the rock music to the highest degree at the beginning?" I'd actually forgotten that! Wow, the things you forget about a movie that's forgettable. Colin Farrell and Jon Favreau are wasted in this one; Jennifer Garner looks about as Greek as I do; and making the Kingpin into a black man isn't about "equal representation," it's about perpetuating the stereotype of black men as criminals. All that, and it's a blatant SPIDER-MAN rip-off. Bad, bad, bad.

8. BATMAN RETURNS/BATMAN FOREVER/BATMAN AND ROBIN: To leave room for the rest of the truly undeserving, I'm putting Tim Burton's botched attempt at a follow-up to his almost flawless first movie together with the two pieces of twinkle-toe camp from Joel Schumacher. (Lest you think I'm being homophobic, let me just say: I'm gay, and even I was embarrassed by the shot of Batman's ass in BATMAN FOREVER.) I mean, really. Matthew Foster cites the first one for "[presenting] The Penguin as a freak of nature living in the sewers with evil circus acrobatic freaks [, and] Catwoman's Girl Scout-inspired laced leather craft project outfit," while Vince Yim and "BojoMullet17" voted for the second one, with Bojo saying, "Arnie spouting out one liners every two seconds about ice and cold stuff made me wonder what it takes to write movies these days... Man, Joel Shumacher really jammed this one up us sideways with no lube." I won't even go there... And of the last one, two words: Alicia Silverstone. Guys, lust after her in that outfit all you want, but just remember that a gay man dressed her - and the entire movie. And God, does it show. If we'd wanted the BATMAN show from the 60s, there's a perfectly bad movie of that for us to watch, instead.

7. SPAWN: I'm still somewhat surprised I got any votes suggesting this one go on the Top Ten Best list, but it's probably all down to John Leguizamo. Does anyone remember Michael Jai White? Nor do I, though I remember Nicol Williamson acting as if this were a part in Shakespeare. Maybe, just maybe, if they had cast Tony Todd in the lead role, this one could have had the possibilities that casting Leguizamo gave it, but otherwise it's simply not much fun to watch. Not so much bad as starkly boring, and at times even a bit crude. Much like the comic series it's based on, really, which might explain the votes for Best - it is faithful, after all. (Oh, Lord, here comes the hate mail...)

6. SUPERMAN III/SUPERMAN IV/SUPERGIRL : I'm sorry, but I must cheat one more time in order to group these three together. Of the three follow-ups to the excellent first two movies in the franchise, SUPERMAN IV isn't really all that awful, but SUPERGIRL makes otherwise very good actors do very bad things and makes a hash of continuity (yeah, like the others didn't), while SUPERMAN III...yeagh. You know we're getting into the home stretch for the worst comic book pic ever when words can't describe how horrific a movie at the number six position truly is. Christopher Reeve deserved better. Richard Pryor, bless him, deserved better. Hell, we deserved better.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS #1: JUDGE DREDD: Both Vince Yim and "BojoMullet17" were among the handful of people who felt this one deserved a mention, particularly for the awful one-liner at the end. (No, you'll just have to suffer through it like the rest of us did - either that, or fast-forward to the end, you cheat, you.) Mike VanHelder has also asked us to remember the Brian Yuzna adaptation of FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED - and this time I must admit that not only have I never heard of the movie, I've never heard of the comic, which is probably proof enough. Yuzna's name attached to any movie project, though, is enough for me. I've got a couple more of these for next week, too - there were just too many!

We finish next week, when we'll cover the Top 5 of the 10 Worst Comic Book Movies - which, for a wonder, is all made up of Marvel titles. Oh, my - how did that happen?. In the meantime, send your comments (preferably free of computer viruses, please) to comicscape@cinescape.com. Now, on to this week's crop of books:

THIS WEEK

Cover art for WEAPON X #11.

© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

Marvel continues its new tradition of tittilation with the cover to WEAPON X #11, the next-to-last issue of the series. If they're trying to boost sales for the final countdown, we'll probably get an equally...um, three-dimensional frontal view for #12. Why do I suddenly have Sir Mix-A-Lot playing in my head...? I'd tell you about the plot, but is that really what you'll be buying it for?

A new Doctor Death makes his debut in BATGIRL #42 this week, which also features Batman (surprise, surprise). They're trying to prevent the man from auctioning off a deadly formula called "Death In A Bottle". Say, I didn't hear they'd brought back New Coke...

The five-part "Naglfar" storyline in Vertigo's LUCIFER concludes this week with issue #40, as Michael and Lucifer confront their father - and when your father is THE, that's not the wisest thing to do.

Ben Grimm's decisions come back to haunt him in issue number #3 of the excellent STARTLING STORIES: THING - NIGHT FALLS ON YANCY STREET - and no, we don't mean his decision to believe Reed Richards' assertion that "It's just a simple test flight..."

Boy, I'm slipping: the second issue of a Judd Winick-written series is out already, and I still haven't read the first one! But for those of you who have read OUTSIDERS and have written in to tell me what I'm missing, you're in luck, as the second issue ships this week. Should I just wait for the inevitable collected edition?

Cover art for the EYE OF THE STORM ANNUAL.

© 2003 DC Comics

And speaking of just how inevitable these puppies are, there's FABLES: ANIMAL FARM, collecting issue #s 6-10 - or, for those of us who have been reading the series from the beginning, those issues we bought just last year. Bill Willingham's writing makes it just about worth it, but what ever happened to back issues, for heavens' sakes?

The bad news is that BLACK PANTHER, which has had a fairly decent run under Christopher Priest, is ending this week with issue #62. The even worse news is that this issue leads into the latest issue of Priest's other series, THE CREW. Oh, well.

The completely un-surprising mastermind behind the Red Zone contagion is revealed in AVENGERS #69 - what other criminal mastermind would use something red, for pete's sake? - but just to generate some suspense, I won't show you the cover.

Cover art for MYSTIQUE #3.

© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

Since you begged for it, though, I will show you the cover for MYSTIQUE #3, since Marvel decided to go the tittilation route here, as well - literally, it would seem. Must be that whole Rebecca Romijn-Stamos thing.

Speaking of wonderful women, WONDER WOMAN #194 ships this week, as "The Game of the Gods" concludes and Diana finally has it out with her hairdresser.

Cover art for FABLES: ANIMAL FARM.

© 2003 DC Comics

Over at Wildstorm, we're getting yet another blast from the past with ROBOTECH: THE MACROSS SAGA VOL. 3, which reprints issue #s 13-18 of the Comico series of the same name. And while we're on the subject of blasts from the past, how about the annual? Wildstorm's got that, too, in the form of the EYE OF THE STORM ANNUAL, featuring work by Geoff Johns and just about everyone else.

Those wacky INHUMANS finally make it to Earth in issue #3 of the excellent Sean McKeever series, shipping this week. Of course, even if they were to land in our version of New York, it's doubtful anyone would notice.

It's a double-shot of the Mean Green this week, as INCREDIBLE HULK #58 features the on-going Absorbing Man storyline, and HULK: NIGHTMERICA continues with #2, featuring gorgeous painted artwork by Brian Ashmore. What, no comics adaptation of the movie? It wasn't that boring...Batgirl's not the only member of the Bat-Family having fun this week, as ROBIN #116 features a change in Tim Drake's life (yeah, it's called puberty) and BIRDS OF PREY #57 introduces the new creative team of Gail Simone, Ed Benes, and Alex Lei and brings back the Huntress.

Cover art for JIMMY OLSEN: ADVENTURES BY JACK KIRBY.

© 2003 DC Comics

Not to be outdone, the other major family over at DC, the House of Super, has two entries this week: SUPERMAN #195, which starts the run-up to the "landmark" 200th issue; and the excellent collection JIMMY OLSEN: ADVENTURES BY JACK KIRBY, featuring the Master's early 70s work on the eponymous series and the first intimations of the existence of Darkseid. Bet you didn't know there was a connection between Darkseid and Jimmy Olsen, did you? Apart from them both being evil incarnate, anyway...

Cover art for X-STATIX #11.

© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

And finally, while I'm a little peeved at Marvel for caving in to pressure to remove Princess Di from the X-STATIX line, who can fault them for replacing her in issue #11 with a Ricky Martin clone? "Ay papi," indeed!

More next week!

Comicscape is our weekly Comics column.

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