Cover art for BORN #2.
© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

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Comicscape - July 31, 2003

OPINION

Finally...consensus! Even though many of you may have disagreed with the choices I and your fellow COMISCAPE readers made for the Ten Best Comic Book Movies, and even the Bottom Five of the Ten Worst, you all seemed to have no trouble agreeing on what the Top Five of the Ten Worst must be. And even more amazingly...four out of the five are Marvel adaptations (and not all five, as I erroneously stated last week). Given that many of the movies on the Best list were also Marvel adaptations, it just goes to prove that saying about "feast or famine," doesn't it?

But before we get to the worst of the worst, a few points of business. First of all, many thanks to those of you who wrote in to reassure me that I'm not the only one who remembers VOYAGE OF THE MIMI (including Bill Damon, Mike DeWeese, A. Diallo Jackson, Troy A., and "John," who is only 15 years old!), or indeed how awful it was. As DeWeese puts it, "Where else can a fifth grader learn how to desalt saltwater by making a little plastic tent? Or learn that combining peanut butter, bananas, and chocolate syrup, when placed on bread, make a damn tasty treat? Or maybe most importantly of all, where else can a student learn how amazingly boring whales can be!" And just think, Ben Affleck was part of it all... C.T. Granville lives!

I've also been taken very justifiably to task for not including CONAN THE BARBARIAN or GHOST WORLD on the list - the former I could justify by saying that it started out as a pulp magazine, which is much the same reason that THE SHADOW doesn't qualify, but that's cheating; and about the latter I can only say that a) I got no votes for it until after the fact, and b) I plumb forgot it!) Someone also made a brief mention of SWAMP THING, but that one's neither excellent nor execrable, so I doubt it would fit on either list. (Having just seen LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, I wish I could make this the Top Eleven Worst Movies, but that would be cheating, too.) And a few people, such as Chris Tsambis, Bill Emic, Daniel Smith-Weiss, and Simon Peter (and thanks again for not including a virus, Simon!), took issue with BATMAN RETURNS being include on the Worst list, but sorry, guys, I'm still not convinced that Danny DeVito wasn't wasted there. I do have to wonder, though: how does include Christopher freaking Walken in a movie qualify it for greatness? I should have thought just the opposite, really, but I'll let it pass. I'm just still astounded that someone wrote in arguing that SUPERMAN III should be on the Best list. Oh, you poor, deluded maniacs...

But apart from Daniel Smith-Weiss, who wrote in at length defending DAREDEVIL (some good points in there, Dan, but I'm afraid you were the only dissenting vote on that one), the biggest brouhaha erupted over my assertion that casting Michael Clarke Duncan as the Kingpin was more about perpetuating stereotypes than about equal representation. A. Diallo Jackson made this comment: "Being a black man, I was neither impressed nor offended by the casting. He's just not the Kingpin...plain and simple. Thousands of people waiting to be discovered in Hollywood, and they go right back to the well almost every time." That's a better point than the one I made, actually.

But on my point, Daniel Smith-Weiss had this to say: "Your idea about perpetuating stereotypes struck me until I realized that there is no real stereotype of black MOB BOSSES. They're always Italian right? There's a big difference between Duncan's Kingpin and the stereotype of the young black hood who's going to steal your car stereo. That and if black men can't be criminals in film, then political correctness becomes as bad as stereotyping." Point well taken! "Steve" also wrote in to chastise me on that point, though it may sound like I "subscribe to the idea that representing any member of a minority as anything less than an outstanding citizen represents reinforcing a stereotype, regardless of the context," that's far from the case. I also resist the categorization of my comment as a "knee-jerk PC reaction" - that implies I wasn't thinking when I wrote it. Despite how this column may look in certain weeks, I'm always thinking when I write it. However, your comments have been noted, and perhaps it might be worthwhile to run a future column on this issue, since the depiction of African-Americans in comics and in the entertainment media has always been of interest to me. Any takers?

Anyway, enough of that for now - you came look for the Worst of the Worst, so without further ado, here they are:

5. CAPTAIN AMERICA: So many people included this one in their votes over the past month that I can't even list them all. It certainly seems like this movie (not the two TV movies in which they got the letter on his helmet wrong, but the so-called "theatrical release" which of course went instead directly to video) is one of the most universally execrated movies out there. All the elements are there: bad plot, bad acting, bad special effects...and on top of it all, an Italian Red Skull! And who the hell decided to put ears on the helmet? Jason Bergman picked out a scene that he says sums up this movie in all its awfulness: "Captain America is strapped to a rocket that's about to take off. The Red Skull is standing in front of him, cackling with glee as he watches his arch nemesis take off into doom. But wait! All of a sudden, Captain America, though still tied to the rocket, reaches out and grabs the Red Skull! The Red Skull panics, looks at the oddly satisfied Captain America, and then, just when you think the movie couldn't get any dumber...the Red Skull cuts his own hand off. I was rolling on the ground with laughter. Seriously. To this day the very thought brings a tear to my eye. It's one of the most perfect moments of truly awful cinema. Next to that, the insane hand gestures of Doctor Doom in Corman's FF movie look like sign language." But hey, isn't it worth it just to see the son of the reclusive J.D. Salinger in the title role? No? Didn't think so.

4. NICK FURY, AGENT OF SHIELD: None of the numerous people who wrote in to vote for this one had much more to say than two words: David Hasselhoff. Perhaps the movie could've been better had it acted more like a comic book movie and less like yet another made-for-cable action-adventure flick, and perhaps having a decent plot would've made it watchable. But everyone seems to agree that the total miscasting of the BAYWATCH guy as everyone's favorite cigar-chomping solder-turned-secret-agent is what damns this one irretrievably to the dime bin. You can probably catch it on cable, if you're really interested in seeing where true pain lives, though it might be hard to recognize it - it looks so much like every other one of those movies that air on Showtime late on weekend nights that you may not even realize what it is.

3. THE PUNISHER: I'm sure I'm not the only one who saw the brief sneak preview of the Summer 2004 movie coming out and thought, "As long as it's not Dolph Lundgren again, I may just watch it." Based on what happened last they attempted to bring Frank Castle to the big screen, I'm surprised that Marvel's even going through with the remake. As with the last movie on the list, most voters used Lundgren's casting as the sole reason for dissing this one, but how could anyone forget the rest of the bad acting, the bad plot, or the bad music score? Answer: just about everyone, because it's all so forgettable. But there are those poor souls who can't forget it - one of them is Tom Kurzanski, who had this to say: "Even at ten, I realized this movie was horrible and decided to draw rather than watch it. I did keep the thing playing in my VCR as I drew, which has probably done irreparable damage to my psyche. (Not to mention the freaky drawings that must've resulted, Tom. - TBW) I'm still in therapy trying to work out some issues I had with this movie." Aren't we all. They didn't even get the character right, as Matthew Foster points out: "The Punisher, while unstable and single minded in the comic books, never really stuck me as a sewer dwelling talking to himself dirty crazy man." Hell, nor does Dolph Lundgren. This one doesn't even see the light of day on cable nowadays, and I'll bet there are folks out there who saw that preview and thought it was the first time the character's ever been done on film. It might as well be.

2. STEEL: Jean-Philippe Cloutier actually had something positive to say about this one: "Please have a mention for Shaq. He did a 'pretty good' job in his Superman-wannabe role...just in case you forgot it was a s**tty comic book adaptation." "Pretty good" for a basketball player who can't act his way out of a hoop, you mean. As with the last two, saying "Shaq" should be enough to justify the inclusion of this one on the list. Less an adaptation based on one of DC's least memorable character and more an excuse to give Shaq something to do in the off-season, STEEL is, terrifyingly enough, the one movie in the Top Five so far that got a major box-office release. Not that anyone went to see it, of course, and those of us who did are still kicking ourselves for thinking that it would have anything to do with comic books. The costume alone should be enough to damn this movie, but Shaq drives the rest of the nails into the coffin just fine. Of the many who voted for it, no one wanted to say anything about it. Can't say I blame 'em. This is DC's only entry in the Top Five, though, so Marvel still rules the roost for bad movies...and speaking of fowl (or foul)...

1. HOWARD THE DUCK: "BoJoMullet17" says: "I thought this movie was the s**t back when I was young but I recently saw it and I wanted to bang my head against the wall until I slipped into a satisfyingly deep coma. Jesus, what was George Lucas thinking? Probably the same thing he was thinking when he made Episode 1 and 2." Oh, now, that's being too harsh. Still, most of us simply thought this movie was s**t back then, and we still do. Almost everyone who wrote in said so, anyway - Ray Flynt went so far as to call it "a waste of celluloid [that] should be considered as a torture device." Actually, all the movies up on this end of the list qualify for that, but no more so than this one. Boy, Lucas sure knows how to make crowd pleasers, don't he?

And there you have them, the Best of the Best and the Worst of the Worst. I'm sure I'll have to hear more outrage about all this, so if you must, please send your rantings to to comicscape@cinescape.com. While you're at it, send me some ideas for my next column - I haven't had to think of anything original for five weeks now, and I'm out of practice! Now, here's what you have to look forward to as July draws to a close:

THIS WEEK

Cover art for BORN #2.

© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

Speaking of the Punisher, Frank Castle's origin story continues in the Garth Ennis-scripted BORN, the second issue of which ships this week. If Marvel Enterprises has any sense, they'll get Ennis to write the script - and then cast Dolph Lundgren.

As for characters who may never get their own bad movies (even though Supergirl got one, oddly enough), the new Batgirl is featured in BATGIRL: DEATH WISH, a 176-page volume collecting issue #s 17-20, 22, 23, and 25 of her series. Some of you may be interested in buying it, even if it does feature (shudder) Spoiler.

FANTASTIC FOUR #501 features the beginning of a new story arc this week, as Reed and the rest of the team deal with the aftermath of the anniversary issue's horrifying battle with Doctor Doom. Sorry to spoil this for anyone, but...well, does anyone remember John Byrne's run on the series, in which Reed used to change his features to occasionally take on a secret identity? In the light of that ability, is what's happened to Reed all that permanent? Only Mark Waid knows, and he's about to tell us - I hope!

Cover art for SWAMP THING: REUNION.

© 2003 DC Comics

Over at Vertigo, they're shipping the penultimate issue of BEWARE THE CREEPER with issue #4, the second issue of the new series THE LOSERS (not to be confused with the WWII tank crew of the same name), and HELLBLAZER #186. And for those really wanting a blast from the past, SWAMP THING: REUNION collects issue #s 57-64 of Alan Moore's legendary run on that series. $19.95 never seemed so cheap a price to pay...

It's a week for Bats in the belfry, as the Batman's relationship with Catwoman hots up on BATMAN #617, much to Robin's disgust (and no, not because he wants Bruce himself...shame on you!), while in CATWOMAN #21, Selina and Holly continue their road trip (which has all the fixin's for a THELMA AND LOUISE remake). And if that's not enough for you, BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT ARCHIVES VOL. 4 collects BATMAN #13-16 from 1942-1943. Given that these issues see the introduction of the comical butler Alfred, can they really keep calling them "THE DARK KNIGHT ARCHIVES" for too much longer? We're not all that far away from the Dick Sprang era and the giant penny, after all.

Garth Ennis tries his hand at Norse mythology in THOR: VIKINGS #1, the first issue in a new MAX miniseries starting this week. This one's said to feature zombie vikings. Yup, that's an Ennis book, all right...

Cover art for PARADISE X: A #1.

© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

Just when you thought it was all over, Jim Krueger and his team bring you PARADISE X: A #1, in which the Archangels plan to revolt against Mar-Vell in his artificial Realm of Paradise. And just think, there are twenty-five more letters to get through after "A" is done. Will the madness never end?

Speaking of madness, Peter Bagge's SWEATSHOP also continues this week, with issue #4. Let's see, which to buy, SWEATSHOP or PARADISE X: A? Is "gnawing off one's own leg to get away from it all" an option?

Join Marvel for yet another SILVER SURFER #1.

© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

Dan Chariton & Stacy Weiss bring back everyone's favorite silver-skinned surfer dude in SILVER SURFER #1, which may just be the one comic you buy this week. There, that's the perfect excuse you need not to buy PARADISE X: A...

Over at Marvel, it's a week for Ultimate thingees, with ULTIMATES #11 featuring the team preparing to fight off an alien invasions (and no doubt a very realistic one), MARVEL MUST HAVES #14 featuring reprints of ULTIMATES #s 1-3 (which makes no sense, as those issues have already been collected, along with the rest of Book One, in a softcover edition), and ULTIMATE ADVENTURES #6. Yeah, yeah, I know, "one of these things is not like the others, one of these things doesn't belong"...but isn't it worth mentioning the end of a Ron Zimmerman series? Hell, yeah!

Cover art for TRINITY #2.

© 2003 DC Comics

The TRINITY of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman continue getting to know each other as the second issue of Matt Wagner's fascinating miniseries ships this week. Now, I ask you, does anything recall the Golden Age better than Wagner's artwork? Of course not.

Mark Waid might not be long for the FF universe, but you can still catch his EMPIRE series over at DC, when the first issue ships this week. With his prior experience with power-hungry madmen (and I don't mean Bill Jemas, as much as I'd like to), no wonder he writes Doctor Doom so well...

Cover art for CRIMSON DYNAMO #1.

© 2003 Marvel Characters Inc.

Not all Epic series are going to be TROUBLE, as John Jackson Miller's CRIMSON DYNAMO should prove. Who'd have thought that crazy Soviet inventor who created the Dynamo armor would have left behind a spare? Man, can't trust them Communists, can you?

Cover art for WildStorm's RED #1.

© 2003 DC Comics

Wildstorm's hitting us with a bunch of treats this week, including a double-shot of Warren Ellis with GLOBAL FREQUENCY #10 and the first issue of a new series called RED. And if that's not enough, TOMORROW STORIES BOOK ONE collects the complete Alan Moore anthology series. OK, sure, there's no Ellis in it, but Moore's no slouch, either, no matter what that awful LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN movie would have you think.

Wraparound cover art for FLASH #200.

© 2003 DC Comics

And finally, Wally West celebrates a milestone this week as FLASH hits its 200th issue, a double-sized event that features his final(?) encounter with Zoom and the biggest change in his life so far. What, like changing his costume three times already hasn't been enough?

More next week!

Comicscape is our weekly Comics column.

Questions? Comments? Let us know what you think at Comicscape@cinescape.com.