JACK COLE AND PLASTIC MAN looks at the life of a comic book creator and his malleable marvel
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Comicscape - May 21, 2003

OPINION

First off, let me say thank you to all those readers who "got" last week's column presenting the controversial view that Superman might be the stupidest superhero and who wrote in to put in their two cents or to politely disagree. (And by the way, Mike T., you're right, I did forget how silly those glasses are as a disguise - thanks!) Your letters more than outnumbered the letters threatening my life and my person or which simply called me names, of which there were a surprising amount. Guess I should have called the column "Devil's Advocate" so that the fact that I was not arguing my own opinion was clearer and so that some of the more vitriolic responses could have been avoided. Honestly, don't you folks know by now not to take me seriously? Tsk.

On the plus side, I did get more ideas on who you felt were truly lame superheroes - so many I'll have to split this column into two, in fact - and I have to admit I hadn't considered some of these guys. (That's the odd thing - the heroes in question are all men. Didn't anyone feel unchivalrous? If you know of any female contenders, send 'em in!) So, without further ado, let's get on to your ideas, and then we'll put this subject to bed - there's only so many death threats a comics critic can get before he starts wondering if he should take up gardening instead...

Stretchy Heroes: Wayne A. Jones put in his vote for both Mister Fantastic and Plastic Man. "Basically the same powers," he writes, "stupid for the same reason. Hey kids, I can turn into a human trampoline! I can reach my arm across this room! Woo hoo! Dumb." He's got a point here, although at least Plastic Man has a leg up on Mister Fantastic, since Reed can't turn himself into all sorts of shapes or stave off the aging process, whereas Eel O'Brien can. While we're at it, why don't we throw the Elongated Man in there, as well? His powers are in a slightly different vein, but about the only impressive thing he ever seemed to do was extend his nose to an outrageous length. I guess these guys' wives or paramours must be happy with such an ability, but does it really make for good comics?

A classic cover from the HANDS OF SHANG-CHI comic series

© Marvel Comics

Kung-Fu Fightin' Heroes: Cameron Cooke, who started the whole firestorm last week in the first place (thanks, Cam!) also put in a less controversial vote for the Legion of Super-Heroes' Karate Kid. I'm not entirely sure of the reasoning behind this one, but I can probably guess that it's much the same reason that the Master of Kung-Fu is kind of lame: they're not really superheroes, are they? Their abilities come from years of training and discipline and are attainable by anyone with the will and skill - it's not quite the same as being rocketed from an alien planet and finding you can bend steel on your new home planet, or being bitten by something radioactive and creepy. That's probably why these guys always seem to change costumes while classic heroes like Superman and Batman rarely do: the Kung-Fu fightin' heroes are too generic. Of course, by that same logic, you could argue that Batman isn't a superhero, either, since his abilities come from that same sort of training and discipline, but I'm sure as hell not going to.

Speedy Heroes: Charles Hargrove put in a vote for the Flash, and he puts it far better than I ever could: "If you can run a significant fraction of the speed of light, there shouldn't be anyone who can give you a problem. Outrun everyone. Up against someone superstrong and invulnerable, like Superman or Doomsday? How would they like to get hit with a baseball going 99% of the speed of light? The fact that Flash still has trouble with an ape, a guy who shoots cold rays, and someone who likes to look in the mirror just cements his place as comic's dumbest hero." Excellent point, especially considering that this is also probably the second most overdone category of hero out there, with mutants coming in at number one. Think about it: we've had three Flashes, three total speedsters in the Legion of Super-Heroes at one time or another, Marvel's Whizzer and Quicksilver, and (shudder) Impulse. The JLA animated series interpretation of Flash aside, shouldn't these guys be a lot cooler than they are?

We've got one more week of this stuff before we can officially put this topic to bed, but if you have any comments (or yet another threat to kill the poor messenger), send 'em to feedback@cinescape.com. The week after next, I'll address your comments on the possibility of an Ultimate DC line, so if you have more thoughts on that matter, send them in. And for those of you who still don't get it: SUPERMAN IS NOT LAME. OK? Now, onto the good stuff...

THIS WEEK

GREEN ARROW # 26

© 2003 DC Comics

You'll please note that we received no votes for GREEN ARROW for Stupidest Superhero, despite being just an archer in a green suit - and with Judd Winick taking over the writing chores as of issue #26 this week, he's likely never to get that title. Whoo hoo!

Good gracious! Is it yet another WOLVERINE #1? 'Fraid so, bub - but the good news is that Greg Rucka's writing it. Try saying that five times fast.

And speaking of other welcome first issues this week, THE NEW MUTANTS are back in da house, as Christina Weir reintroduces the original team - this time as teachers of the really new mutants. Guess a title like THE OLD NEW MUTANTS or THE SEMI-NEW MUTANTS simply wouldn't have flown.

Blast from the past time: ROBOTECH #6 ships from Wildstorm this week, as does ROBOTECH: THE MACROSS SAGA VOL. 2, a reprint of the Comico adaptation of the series. I predict a SILVERHAWKS comic series any day now, just you wait...

ARKHAM ASYLUM: LIVING HELL # 1

© 2003 DC Comics

Dan Slott and Ryan Sook give us a new look at an old, well-established institution in ARKHAM ASYLUM: LIVING HELL, a six-part miniseries the first issue of which ships this week. I imagine that trying to cop an insanity plea in Gotham would not be a good idea...

The combination comic book/fanzine SMALLVILLE ships its second issue this week, as well, featuring interviews with Allison Mack and Sam Jones III. Since it's summertime, shouldn't we be getting a swimsuit issue sometime soon?

Speaking of villes... I don't know how, and I don't want to know why, but MARVILLE is still going on, with the seventh issue shipping this week. So, can anyone who's actually read this thing write in and tell me whether it's gotten any better? If you're buying it anyway, I'd rather not spend the cash.

Superman's current hometown continues to get the "day in the life" treatment in Chuck Austen's SUPERMAN: METROPOLIS, issue #4 of which ships this week. According to the DC site, "A housewife in Metropolis thinks she has a direct channel to God: her TV set." So - don't we all?

TRUTH: RED, WHITE & BLACK # 7

© 2003 Marvel Comics

Two Marvel books dovetail neatly this week: TRUTH: RED, WHITE & BLACK finishes with #7 while THE CREW #1 follows up on the previous series' aftereffects on the Marvel Universe. Hope it's a better follow-up than THE CALL ended up being...

It must be a good week to be an X-Men fan - no less than eight X-related titles ship this week, including EXILES #27, NEW X-MEN #141, SOLDIER X #11, UNCANNY X-MEN #424, WOLVERINE/DOOP #2, and X-MEN:RONIN #5. No wonder X-Men fans are always so poor.

And with all this X-mania going around, it's good to see AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #53 will break up the mutant monotony.

See you in a week!

Comicscape is our weekly Comics column.