By:Jarrett Kruse Date: Thursday, September 03, 2009
There is nothing better than seeing those three magical words as you find yourself up extra late on a random Wednesday. The words we long for? Strong Sexual Content. But what are the best in our favorite genres? What A-list movies have reached the apex of sexiness since the advent of the download? This list is for those scenes that stick to the sexy without the sleaze. The upper echelon of mainstream sexiness that made us only feel the slightest bit guilty but far from the degenerate souls we were becoming.
10. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN: ENTER THE SNAKE CHARMER (1995)
When George Clooney was still in movie star training, one of his layovers was the Robert Rodriguez roadside vampire flick FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. Mostly forgettable, (stick to directing Mr. Tarantino), FDTD introduced the world to the spicy Latina Salma Hayek who scorched the screen in one of the sexiest dances with a reptile you will ever see. After losing the snake, she saunters into the crowd like some high priestess of voodoo and walking on table’s and eventually putting her foot into a stunned QT’s mouth and taking a swig of his booze. Curves, booty before booty was “in,” Salma you are forgiven for FOOL’S RUSH IN.
9. THE FIFTH ELEMENT: GREATEST FUTURISTIC OUTFIT…EVER (1997)
Luc Besson’s whacked out futuristic opus has but one memorable part and that is the lovely Milla Jovovich. Speaking in a language that only she can understand, Jovovich’s “Leeloo” is deliciously innocent in her costume made of nothing but strategically placed white cloth-like Band-Aids. Milla pulls it off with fantastic retro-chic sexiness like nothing we have ever seen before. Our tongues wag as we hope one misstep will displace one of the purposefully placed pieces of costume, but no such luck. Still, Milla’s Leeloo is one that sticks in your mind like a splinter you cannot reach. God bless costume designers. Note to female Comic-Con goers, you will never be able to pull this costume off.
8. SIN CITY: LITTLE NANCY ALL GROWN UP (2005)
In the adaptation of one of the seminal comics turned graphic novels of our time, directors Frank Miller, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino pulled out all the stops. Keeping the stylish and sexy intact, the movie roars to life with steamy intensity. Embedded like a computer file in our brain is the image of grown up Nancy Callahan (Jessica Alba) as the feature dancer of all feature dancers dancing in slo-mo black & white in leather assless chaps and a lasso. Watching the scene more than once should have a warning for anyone with a heart problem. Alba in black & white or color is so gorgeous with her bee-stung lips and come-hither smile, it can bring any man (or woman) to her knees. The warm innocence along with the “I have to make a buck” attitude is just too much to resist.
7. THE SPIRIT (2008): SAND SAREF; EVEN THE NAME IS SEXY
Last year’s green-screen fest, Frank Miller’s adaptation of Will Eisner’s THE SPIRIT may have tanked at the box office but it will always have a special place in our hearts. Eva Mendes playing the international jewel thief Sand Saref makes Jaime King and Scarlett Johansson characters seem downright boring. Mendes is so lively curvaceous on her return to Central City that she owns every scene she is in. The Spirit cannot hold water against the charms of Sand once he realizes (SPOILER) that she is indeed his childhood sweetheart. But the scenes that will knock your virtual socks off are where Sand Xeroxes her bottom in the office of a crony who won’t pay up, leaving it as a clue/memento for The Spirit. And then there is of course the surprise visit from The Spirit where we catch the voluptuous Sand with her towel down and back to the camera (praise to the pause button) where we see the curves that put Mendes on the map. Sand, you can play with my jewels anytime.
6. TRUE LIES (1994): IRREGULAR & BLOATED JAMIE LEE CURTIS USED TO BE SMOKIN’
Before James Cameron was the self-designated “King of the World,” he made some kick-ass action movies. Before TITANIC, the last of that ilk was TRUE LIES with former actor Arnold Schwarzenegger and former hottie Jamie Lee Curtis. However, when TRUE LIES was released 15 years ago, JLC was in her prime and gives one of the hottest private dances ever caught on celluloid. While under the impression she is part of some secret Government mission, Curtis tears the sleeves off her dress followed by the reserved neckline and then takes some water to slick back her hair. After perking up her two best assets, she uses a four poster bed like she has been giving a secret pole-dancing class for years. The whole package, you cannot believe that this is the same nerdy woman from the beginning of the film. Of course, currently Jamie Lee has gone grey and is doing ads for women’s irregularity yogurt so you are just going to have to push through that on your next viewing of TRUE LIES.
5. WEIRD SCIENCE(1985): IF ONLY COMMODORE 64’S WORKED THIS WELL
It is only appropriate that this ‘80s classic comes to mind as the man behind this hysterical opus just passed on. I am of course talking about the late king of teen angst John Hughes and his sexed-up raunch fest about two teens creating the perfect woman. Starring Hughes regular Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith, WEIRD SCIENCE has two geeky teens with no game feed a computer everything they want in a woman only to have the result be the ‘80s goddess Kelly LeBrock. Gorgeous and sexy, LeBrock slinks across the screen like a British siren with total control over every man she meets. The best part is that all she wants to do is teach these two teens how to score with the ladies! Talk about having a mentor. LeBrock eventually went into obscurity, married Steven Seagal, got divorced and went onto be on America’s Fattest Fatties. But in 1985, there was no computer simulation that could make a more stunning creature than Ms. LeBrock.
4. WATCHMEN (2009): PRESCRIPTION FOR LOSS OF MOJO? SILK SPECTRE
Zack Snyder’s adaptation of WATCHMEN was said to be taking on the most difficult assignment a director and he hit it out of the park better than any other director could have. As Laurie Jupiter/Silk Spectre II, Malin Akerman embraces the role of taking on this super-chick from the greatest graphic novel of all-time. Akerman is not only a feast for the eyes, she strays far from her comedic roles in THE HEARTBREAK KID & 27 DRESSES. At her weakest, the Silk Spectre, torn about her relationship with the ominous Dr. Manhattan, seduces a Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) who has been having trouble hoisting his mainsail. The result is a passionate session of serious lovemaking in the Owlship “Archie” while Akerman’s body is on full display in carnal delight. Silk Spectre regains some dignity and Nite Owl is just happy to have his groove back.
3. X-MEN Franchise (2000, 2003, 2006): BLUE + NUDE = IN THE MOOD
Not since Smurfette has a woman in blue driven fanboys so crazy. Rebecca Romijn is so disarming as the statuesque Mystique covered in nothing but blue paint that it would be your pleasure to let her kick your ass. There is no hiding anything with this “costume” and who knew that Romijn would be so perfect for the role. Sexy, memorable, and gives fanboys across the land hope as she married the fat kid from STAND BY ME. We love you Rebecca, you had us at your first shape-shift.
2. WANTED (2008): RECRUITED TO BE AN ASSASSIN BY ANGIE? SIGN ME UP
What would a sexy scene list be without including good old, Angelina Jolie? Not going for the obvious like GIA or ORIGINAL SIN, Jolie was pure comic book gold last year as the super-assassin Fox. Digging her teeth into young Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy), Jolie is domineering and controlling and makes you wish you had a woman half that cool and smokin’ hot in your life. Watching Angelina’s perfect features as she lays herself on a suped’ up sports car shooting at the baddies in chase or simply watching her gorgeous face and thinking that this is one girl you wouldn’t mind taking a bullet for. But the coup de grace of WANTED is in the recovery room where Fox unbeknownst to Wesley arises out of the healing bath’s and we see her statuesque perfection sashay out of the room. If ever there was need for the slo-mo scan button and hi-def video; it is to see Angie’s perfectly tanned and tattooed tush.
1. BATMAN RETURNS (1992): ONE CAT I AM DEFINITELY NOT ALLERGIC TO
Maybe it is that we spent most of the ‘80s waiting to see Michelle Pfeiffer in something other than an evening gown or that I did not want to just simply pick the generic “Princess Leia in a gold bikini” choice. Watching Pfeiffer’s transformation from homely secretary Selina Kyle to a twisted sociopath with nine live is nothing short of fantastic. In a frantic rage after being resuscitated by cats, Kyle goes on a mile-a-minute seamstress all-nighter to create the ultimate latex bodysuit. Not only do we get to see Pfeiffer in her curvaceous wonder but we get to see her kick serious ass and beat Batman down and end the fight with the most perfect on-screen face lick ever. With Catwoman it is all about the tease and the wonder of how to peel her out of that cat-suit.