8 Cool Ways to Time Travel (Mania.com)

Date: Thursday, March 25, 2010


Superman can simply fly at incredible speeds around earth to meet all his time traveling needs but normal folks have to look for different ways to accomplish time travel. With so many different time traveling options available it’s difficult to pick the best one but don’t worry because to ease the decision making process, we break down the best ways to time travel.

8. Frozen Donkey Wheel and H Bomb

This is easily the most dangerous way to time travel from the list but worth considering if you are the adventurous type. Installing your very own frozen donkey wheel in your house’s basement and turning it will take you, the house and anyone in it on a time traveling journey that will have you and yours skipping through time like a broken record. Couple of things to consider when deciding to make the jump via a frozen donkey wheel; first you don’t get to pick what time you can visit and wherever you do land don’t expect to be there for long as you move through time and space on a constant basis, which sucks if you want to take the time to admire the sights especially the huge Egyptian kind. Then there is the big issue that after a couple of jumps you will start to get nosebleeds and eventually die. Also keep in mind that after using the frozen donkey wheel the only way to get back to your time is by detonating a hydrogen bomb and those suckers are hard to come by and detonate. 

7. Quantum Leap Accelerator

This fine piece of equipment works for time traveling to the past and comes with its own holographic AI to help you out on your travels. The Quantum Accelerator is great if you are the type of person that loves helping others out. By taking the leap, you will effectively be replacing someone else as you take their place in time and send that person to take your place and wait as you live their lives and attempt to right any wrongs. Cool thing about making the leaps is that your adventures may lead you to be directly responsible for historical events, like helping out with the creation of the Twist or aiding Buddy Holly pen a song. 

6. Portals

Portals are great for effective time travel, both to the past and future, but unfortunately only seem to work one way. Once you are in the time you want to visit you are stuck, that is unless you find the parts and have the know how to build another one. There are a couple of issues with using portals. One is that once the destination is picked, the portal will simply drop you in a random location with no regards about destruction of public property. Another issue is nothing can be taken for the trip and that includes your clothes, so prepare to be naked when you reach your destination. This isn’t a big issue with black men or Ron Jeremy but for everyone else it may make them a little uncomfortable.

5. Ghosts

If you are a douchebag, hate holidays and have not one ounce of kindness in your cold heart then the best way to time travel for you may be to tag along with a ghost. You can choose from three models, one looks like a candle, the other a giant in a fur coat and if you want to creep yourself out there is the death looking ghost. We recommend staying away from that last model; he doesn’t say much so it’ll get kind of quiet out there. Which ever model you choose, understand that Ghost Time Travel is kind of like window shopping, you can look but can’t buy. If your intent is to change a specific event in your life then ghost travel isn’t for you but if you wish to travel to different points in your lifetime to see how things were and pan out for you then riding along with a ghost is the best way to go about it. Time traveling with ghosts is great for any holiday, especially Christmas.

4. Remote Control

For you TV addicts out there, a remote control is probably the coolest way to time travel. The remote is sold by any creepy looking man preferably with a Christopher Walken look. Once you have acquired that bad boy, your life will basically become a DVR and all you have to do is just click. Want to see who wins the big game? Just hit fast forward. Tired of your significant other nagging you? Then go right ahead, click that “mute” button and continue watching your favorite TV show in peace. Your boss giving you shit? Click “pause” and kick him the balls, then hit “play” to watch him hit the ground screaming like a little girl.

3. The Time Machine

It sort of looks like a swamp boat mixed with Santa Claus’ sleigh but don’t judge it on appearance alone. While it isn’t much to look at, it has incredible performance. The time machine is designed to make huge jumps in time; some can even take you to witness the end of planet earth. The trips taken on the time machine are also great conversation starters for when it’s your turn to host that special dinner party. Drawbacks for this model are that it only sits one and you have to be on constant lookout that someone doesn’t try to steal it from you.

2. Phone Booth

Dudes! This most bodacious model is hard to find but it will take you through the circuits of time on the most excellent of adventures. The phone booth can fill any past or future time traveling need and is surprisingly roomy for such a small space, meaning you can take as many people as you can fit in there along for the ride and is extremely easy to use. It’s also very popular with the young crowd due to the fact that it works tremendously well for kidnapping historical figures that help out with history homework and chores. San Dimas High School Football Rules!

1. DeLorean

This 170 horse power high speed beauty is the best way to travel if you decide to go time hopping. The DeLorean isn’t as roomy as some of the previous options listed and is a bit dated but this sports car is great for both past and future time traveling and it can be driven or flown. Standard fuel works with the car and you can even use garbage as fuel if you want to go the environment friendly route. Things to keep in mind when choosing a DeLorean are the following: While the programming of the dates for time travel is easy enough, if you are using roads for the travel please find one big enough that it allows the car to reach 88 mph or you won’t be doing any time jumps. Also, whatever you do please try not to damage the flux capacitor because plutonium is hard to come by. If the flux capacitor does become damaged be on the look out for lighting or any high speed locomotive you can hook the car to so you can get back to your own time.

 Hanso has had the hot hand in writing articles recently. Check out some of his other work. Hanso started off his Mania writing career with  4 Reasons Why Avatar Will Own, Son.  This week, Hanso has also penned 10 Upcoming Director's New Movie Compatibility Test and reviewed God of War 3

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