14 Guilty Pleasure Movies (Mania.com)
Date: Monday, April 26, 2010
We here at Mania are tired of living in the guilty pleasure closet and are busting out by listing some of our favorites. We say it loud and proud, these films make us feel good and if they are wrong, then baby we don’t want to be right.
14. Teen Wolf
Why It Sucks: Teen Wolf may possibly have the worst basketball ever played on film. They didn’t even try with the basketball and to make it worse we’re pretty sure this movie looped the same game footage into all the different games the Beavers play throughout the flick.
Why You Keep Watching It: To see Michael J. Fox turn into a basketball playing teen wolf and the hilarity and drama that ensues because of it.
Highlight Moment: The first time Michael J. unleashes his sweet lycan basketball moves, when the Wolf van surfs to the tune of the Beach Boys’ “Surfing USA,” and finally the glorious ending where the tune of “Win In The End” starts playing and you know good will triumph over evil. Michael J Fox has the killer stat line of 14 points (including the game’s winning free throws), 6 assists and 2 steals and the rest of the team contributes big time to overcome a huge deficit and get the win. The ending also features a moment of unintentional hilarity as one fan in the stands realizes his fly is open and proceeds to zip up on camera.
13. Little Mermaid
Why It Sucks: Disney went ahead and took liberties with the source material in order for it to appeal to kids. For example, the prince never loves the little mermaid; he loves and marries a princess. The little mermaid dies at the end and her soul goes to heaven. Both of these things are nowhere to be found in the Disney version.
Why You Keep Watching It: Hot Mermaid + Catchy Songs + Love Story = We Watch.
Highlight Moment: Sebastian busting out his singing chops for “Under the Sea,” the spectacular musical number featuring tons of sea creatures.
12. Rocky IV
Why It Sucks: Rocky Balboa was a journeyman boxer, yet from the time he beat Apollo Creed to the time he faced Ivan Drago, Rocky went 12-1! Are we suppose to believe that a journeyman would successfully defend his title 11 straight times against top opposition? Not only that but the types of wars Balboa was in would’ve rendered him a vegetable at some point during that run because the fights were basically two people throwing haymakers. Couldn’t we get some feints, a few jabs? That’s why the movie sucks; the boxing is just too damn fake.
Why You Keep Watching It: To hear Survivor’s “Burning Heart” and because you know at some point the underdog Rocky Balboa will take a beating that would send anyone into full retard mode yet despite all odds he still comes out on top. Also to see Dolph Lundgren’s Ivan Drago utter the words “I must break you.” However, the real reason you watch Rocky IV is for the training montage, which you still use to this day to psych yourself up for your workouts.
Highlight Moment: The training montage that shows Rocky going old school with his training by chopping wood, running in the snow, doing repetitions with a cart filled with his closest friends while Ivan Drago uses all the new technology for his training. You knew realistically Rocky didn’t stand a chance but after watching the montage you didn’t care. Rocky was on like Donkey Kong.
11. Pretty Woman
Why It Sucks: This is a straight up flick for women, if you are a guy you should be embarrassed that you would sit down a see a flick about a prostitute that gets picked up by her Prince Charming to live happily ever after.
Why You Keep Watching It: You can’t help but fall under Julia Robert’s spell to the point you get pissed when those uptight bitches at one of the Rodeo Drive stores don’t want to help her shop. You watch because at the end when Richard Gere pulls up in the limo and climbs to Roberts’ apartment you wish you were Richard Gere. Then you remember the gerbil story and you’re glad you aren’t.
Highlight Moment: Julia Roberts turning from whore to lady as the song “Pretty Woman” plays.
10. Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In the Hood
Why It Sucks: It stars the Wayans brothers isn’t that reason enough?
Why You Keep Watching It: Its like a car wreck, you just can’t turn away from the Wayans’ attempt to spoof the growing up in the hood films that were big in the ‘90s. Then there are the characters; Toothpick, Crazy Legs, the foul mouth weed-smoking grandma. What’s not to like?
Highlight Moment: Seeing Marlon Wayans for the first time sporting the crazy hair-do (dude had a pacifier and antenna in his hair) along with his bunny shoes. Dashiki explaining her name is Swahili for “doggy-style”.
9. Hard Target
Why It Sucks: John Woo went insane with his slow motion shots in this movie, in fact the movie is one giant slow-motion shot. Van Damme also has his most hilarious hair-do in Van Damme movie history when he rocks the Van Mullet.
Why You Keep Watching It: It has John Woo action and you get to see the Muscles from Brussels kick ass using only his sweet roundhouse kicks. Also a worth the repeat views to remember a better time in Van Damme’s career. JCVD had a pretty good run from 1988 to 1994 (don’t believe? Look it up) and Hard Target was one of his last guilty pleasure good ones before everything turned to shit and he teamed up with Dennis Rodman and Rob Schenider.
Highlight Moment: Van Damme standing on top of a moving motorcycle playing chicken against a car, jumping over the car, shooting it till it explodes and then screaming “Yeah!”. Hilarious.
Why It Sucks: Please don’t tell Chuck Norris one of his movies made the list.
Why You Keep Watching It: Same reason you watch any Chuck Norris film; fear of being stricken by one of his deadly roundhouse kicks if you don’t watch. FYI, they were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue but it had to be canceled because the answer was always the same. Chuck Norris, in the library with a roundhouse kick to the face.
Highlight Moment: All the spoofs on previous Norris films like The Hitman and Missing in Action.
7. Flash Gordon
Why It Sucks: Cheese, cheese and cheese. Plus it has some of the worst costumes ever, do you remember the lizard people? Just terrible. The Arborians look like damn leprechauns/Merry Men. Oh, let’s not forget the dialogue “Ming is the enemy, let’s team up and fight him” or “I love you Flash but we only have 14 hours to save the earth”.
Why You Keep Watching: The soundtrack, the LSD colors and the Hawkmen’s attack on war rocket Ajax.
Highlight Moment: Meeting all the citizens of planet Mongo when Flash first arrives. You had the Hawk people, Arborians, Lizard folk, Ardentians and even some Oompa Loompas for good measure. What makes this scene special is later when Flash plays football to beat Ming’s henchmen. Yes, you read that correctly. Flash defeated Ming’s men by playing football.
6. The Fast & The Furious
Why It Sucks: Point Break was suppose to be in this spot but after careful consideration it was decided Point Break is legit and brings no guilt upon viewing because that movie is truly awesome. In its place we have The Fast & The Furious, a movie that sucks because it has people saying things like “I live my life a quarter mile at a time”.. What the hell does that even mean?
Why You Keep Watching It: You watch when Point Break isn’t on because make no mistake, The Fast & The Furious is Point Break as envisioned by thespians Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. Plus you got fast cars, hot women and the movie offers a glimpse into a culture that chances are you never will be a part of.
Highlight Moment: Seeing the Honda Civic ride underneath the truck during the opening scene where Patrick Swayze and the Ex Presidents…. err Vin Diesel and his crew attempt their heist, cemented the fact it would be awesomeness the rest of the way.
Why It Sucks: The opening with Arnold and his daughter was painful, it looked like an opening for a terrible family sitcom. Then there is the fact you can’t take this film seriously not even for one second due to how ridiculous it is.
Why You Keep Watching It: To see 90 minutes of pure unadulterated adrenaline pumping ass kicking action courtesy of guy with one of the most awesome names ever, John Matrix. You also watch to marvel at Arnold’s comedic chops as he delivers his cringe inducing wisecracks and puns.
Highlight Moment: John Matrix goes to an island, stands in the middle of an open garden and proceeds to lay waste to over 100 soldiers and does it all without getting hit by one bullet. And of course the classic moment, which can only be described by five words, “Let off some steam Bennett.”
4. A Night At the Roxbury
Why It Sucks: First warning sign, the movie is based on a SNL sketch. Second warning sign, it stars Chris Kataan.
Why You Keep Watching It: There is no known reason why anyone would watch this, its something you simply do.
Highlight Moment: Any scene with Steve and Doug (Are you guys brothers? No…YES!) Butabi bobbing their heads side to side, especially if Haddaway’s “What is Love” is playing.
3. Con Air
Why It Sucks: Nic Cage’s hair and accent.
Why You Keep Watching It: The action, the all-star cast and Nic Cage’s hair.
Highlight Moment: The plane landing in the middle of the Vegas strip, Steve Buscemi’s creepy tea party and last but not least, Nic Cage’s hair.
2. Dirty Dancing
Why It Sucks: It sucks because someone tried to put Baby in a corner and NO ONE puts Baby in a corner, also it’s an ‘80s chick flick about dancing.
Why You Keep Watching It: The dancing and the love story at the heart of this film between privileged Baby and working class dance instructor Johnny gets you every time as it thaws the strings of your cold heart.
Highlight moment: “(I’ve Had) The Time of Life.” What else needs to be said?
1. Road House
Why It Sucks: The movie is about a bouncer (with a PhD mind you) who cleans up a nightclub and helps a town out. Does that sound like something that won’t suck? Then they make the mistake of slowing the movie down towards the middle when all we want is to see Dalton kick ass. Movie also sucks because of the fashion. Look no further than Dalton, a guy that rocks a mullet looking type hairdo and at one point in the movie wears a karate top as a regular shirt. Seriously, Dalton wears jeans with a white karate top! Man, the 80s were messed up.
Why You Keep Watching It: Admit it, you live your life around Dalton’s three simple rules. One; never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two; take it outside and three; be nice. Also a must watch for the nudity, the bar fights, to see Swayze kick ass and to learn about bar etiquette so you won’t get your ass kicked when you go drinking.
Highlight Moment: The bar fight that breaks out when a guy doesn’t have the $20 as payment for groping a chic’s breasts.