Five Gunslingers Who Make Jonah Hex Look Like A Boy Scout (Mania.com)
Date: Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Due to the fact that he’s about to get his own movie in theaters this summer, we at Mania.com decided to try and come up with ‘Five Gunslingers Who Make Jonah Hex Look Like A Boy Scout.’ Now this wasn’t necessarily an easy task considering that Jonah himself is a pretty hellacious character in the DC Comics Wild West. As a former confederate soldier turned bounty hunter, Hex has taken on the likes of mad scientists, crazy occultists, monstrous earthworms, zombies led by Wild Bill Hickock and just plain nasty hombres looking to conquer the new frontier.
So with a resume like this, coming up with such characters to take the title of bad arse gunfighter from Hex was quite a task. In fact, we had to do a little thinking outside the box here. Still, we managed to round up a few candidates for you to consider. Take a gander:
5. The Gunfighter, High Plains Drifter
This was one of Clint Eastwood’s most notorious westerns. Although he’d played some tough guys in films like A Fistful of Dollars and The Good the Bad and the Ugly, this movie represented a very dark turn for the rugged-yet-fair cowboy archetype Eastwood had created for himself, one so dark it’s rumored John Wayne condemned the film.
It’s somewhat easy to see why that could be the case. In the initial scenes, the Gunfighter (as he’s referred to throughout the movie) kills three people, rapes the town gal, and has everyone willing to give him anything he wants. It’s clear he hates this town (which he eventually orders painted entirely in red with the word “Hell” on the welcome sign), but enjoys the fortuitous circumstances he finds himself in. Eventually, you come to figure why this man is so damn mean but the fun lies in watching Eastwood stoically chew up scenes with this character.
4. Johnny Ringo, Tombstone
It’s a bit disputed whether this notorious figure really was an outlaw with a quick draw in real life. But in the movie Tombstone concerning Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday’s struggles against The Cowboys, Ringo as portrayed by Michael Biehn, is shown as an educated psychopath with a pure appetite for death. This becomes clear in a conversation between Doc and Wyatt, the former having come to understand Ringo all too well.
“A man like Ringo only lives for revenge.”
“Revenge for what?”
3. The Gunslinger, Westworld
There was no way we could do a piece about gunslingers and not include this iconic character from the classic sci-fi film created by Michael Crichton. Utilizing some thematic elements from his heroic character in The Magnificent Seven, Yul Brynner plays a near-emotionless robot programmed to fall at the hands of tourists vacationing in a fictional amusement park populated by robots. However, the robots eventually abandon their programming and begin killing all the humans, with the Gunslinger right at the forefront using quick reflexes, and a sharp targeting system which might be fooled by heat. (Perhaps James Cameron was watching this film right before dreaming about the Terminator’s design?)
2. Texas Mack, Shin Getter Robo Vs. Neo Getter Robo
From one human-sized robot, we move to an oversized one with a human shape at least, made to look like a cowboy complete with hat and poncho. He can fly short distances or ride a gigantic robot horse, flown by the pilot’s dog. Texas Mack carries a pair of revolvers to deal with normal situations a giant robot might face. However, in times of extreme danger, Mack will reach into the front lawn of The White House and pull out a coffin-shaped box containing a rifle so powerful, it can knock down a satellite floating in orbit. We tend to doubt Jonah Hex has the ability to pull off similar feat, no matter how good his aim is.
1. The Saint of Killers, Preacher
We saved the most outrageous candidate for last. If you’ve ever read Garth Ennis’s rather brutal comic series “Preacher,” you may’ve heard about this character who fought so ferociously in the Civil War at Gettysburg that he gained fearsome notoriety for his fighting skills, much like Jonah Hex. (Hmmm…. Think they’ve met?) Thing is though, this unnamed soldier winds up murdered some years later and when he enters Hell, his incredible rage puts out all the fires, which makes The Devil (who’s playing cards with the Angel of Death) rather upset.
The Angel takes notice of what’s going on and decides to make a pact with this Gunfighter: slay whomever God wants at various given times and the Gunfighter can be resurrected to take his revenge on his murderers, using special guns that never run out of bullets and kill whoever they’re fired upon. The result is a blaze of rage so great it slaughters every man woman and child in one town with no mercy whatsoever, and leads to the creation of the Saint of Killers, a near-unstoppable force that only Jesse Custer (the Preacher with God’s voice) can possibly deal with. The Saint’s rage is all-consuming and soon even Heaven itself comes to regret his existence.
So yeah, we think we’ve come up with some folks that even Jonah Hex would be taken aback by. Send us your thoughts on other characters we’ve missed, or do you think Jonah would make everyone else look like Boy Scouts instead? Let us know what you think. Meanwhile, we’ll be off playing Red Dead Redemption on-line. Later, folks.