7 Genre Character Thoughts on Illegal Immigration (Mania.com)
Date: Monday, August 30, 2010
It’s been a few weeks since this nation’s strictest immigration law, SB1070, went into full effect in Arizona and during that time we here at Mania were able to sit down with some of this planet’s most prominent aliens and get their thoughts on this subject. For your reading pleasure, we present a few excerpts from these interviews. Enjoy!
Mania: Your kind hunted in America before, were there plans of returning to America to hunt and did those plans include Arizona?
Predator: Yeah last time we hunted in America we went down to Los Angeles because we wanted to hunt in a city. Sadly one of our brothers was killed on the trip. Tragedy aside we actually had plans to go back to America and interestingly enough had chosen Arizona as our next destination because it allowed us to practice on our desert hunting skills. Needless to say that is not happening and the predator community is deeply disappointed about this immigration law passed down in Arizona. What are we suppose to do now?
Mania: Kidnap humans and take them to your game preserve planet?
Predator: That is ridiculous. How would that teach us anything? That would just give us the exact same experience we had back in 1987.
6. Gordon Shumway
Mania: Gordon, your love for cats is well documented. Are you saddened by the fact you won’t be able to taste Arizona cats anymore?
Gordon Shumway: Not really. I can always get the Tanners to hook me up with some AZ cats. However, that won’t be necessary because I’m not a fan of Arizona cats. They got a dirty, dusty taste to them, which I don’t like. I prefer Los Angeles cats. I will say though that I’m glad I didn’t crash land following a radio signal down in Arizona. Let me put it to you like this: I’m an alien and I’m brown. The police would have a field day if they ever spotted me down there. At least here in Los Angeles I don’t have to worry about being an alien, just about being brown.
5. Kal-El & Jonz Jonzz
Mania: Thanks for taking time from your coast to coast city tour to sit down with us. Seeing as you are this country’s greatest illegal alien and have become a symbol for truth, justice and the American way, we want to know if your current city tour includes Arizona and what are your thoughts on SB1070.
Kal-El: In support of my illegal alien brothers I will not be stopping in Arizona. I’m very disappointed because I had planned another basketball game there. Did you see the one in Detroit? It was awesome. As far as SB1070 goes, it pains me to see this law passed. I just think back to parents you know. Had my ship crash landed in Arizona instead of Smallville, they wouldn’t have been able to raise me and instill their all American values. Who knows what would’ve happened. I could’ve been sent to Russia or something. I understand why we need these laws, I mean who really wants dangerous aliens like Darkseid here but what about other aliens like my good friend Jon Jonz?
J’onn J’onzz via telepathy: If I may interrupt for just a second. My friend Kal-El worries too much. First of all I wouldn’t be caught dead in Arizona. It’s too hot for me, the heat reminds me of fire and I can’t deal with that. That’s why I live in Chicago; it’s a great city with cold weather. If for some reason my police work ever required me to go down to Arizona, it wouldn’t be a problem at all. I can just shape shift into a white guy and avoid any racial profiling.
Mania: E.T., you managed to make it out of Earth before this tougher law on immigration was passed in Arizona. Do you feel fortunate that you did?
E.T.: Listen, I was in California so this Arizona law wouldn’t have affected me at all but my feeling is if this is a success it will spread to other states including California. So in that sense I’m glad I got out when I did because had it happened while I was out there it would’ve sucked for Elliot. You know he could’ve been pulled over for driving me around on his bike right? Anyway, the more I think about it though the less I care about the immigration law in Arizona or any other immigration law on Earth. I’m just happy that I got out of that planet. My last visit there I was quarantined by the government, I almost died and trying to phone home was a real pain in the ass. Suffice to say I ain’t going back. By the way, do you happen to have some Reese’s Pieces on you?
3. Agent J
Mania: As the spoke person for the Men in Black, what are the agency’s feelings in this whole situation?
Agent J: First of all, I can’t confirm the existence of the agency you are referring too. Second of all, if such an agency did exist then they would be most happy with this law as it would allow the agency to cut costs by closing down all the branches in Arizona. Now my personal opinion on this whole thing is that this law should’ve been implemented in New York first. Everyone knows that is where all the dangerous illegal aliens in this country are. Implementing the law in NY would’ve easily cut me and my partner’s work load in half. I don’t know if you noticed but my partner Agent K is like 100-years-old and could use less work.
Question: Wait, so the Men in Black do exist?
Agent J: Oh crap. Do me a favor; look into this Neuralyzer for me. *FLASH*
2. Sam Witwicky & Bumblebee
Mania: How as this new law affected your dating life?
Sam Witwicky: My thing is this, how you gonna have that law when you got illegal aliens like the Autobots saving our asses? I don’t get it. As far as how it affects my dating life goes, I must say it did prove to be a minor inconvenience. As you know, Michaela is gone. My parents didn’t really like her so I had to get rid of her. Right now I am a single, ready to mingle and I was planning on taking road trip down to Phoenix to score some hot chicks. Guess what? That ain’t happening. How am I going to score chicks if I can’t ride Bumblebee down to Phoenix out of fear someone will deport him? I can’t score without Bumblebee, he is my wing man. Every time I’m with a girl he comes up with some sweet music to get the mood going. Just the other day I was with a hot blonde and he started playing Keith Sweat’s “Nobody.” Yea you know I got laid that night.
Mania: Interesting. So Bumblebee what are your thoughts on SB1070?
Bumblebee: *Radio stars blasting N.W.A.’s “Fuck Tha Police”*
Mania: Obviously SB1070 is a hot topic right now. What are you doing about this immigration law?
Machete: Are you kidding me homes? Didn’t you see the video I sent out on Cinco de Mayo?
Machete: Well let me tell you. I’m leading a revolution against the state of Arizona. I’m gonna slice me up some putos when I get there.
Mania: Wow. That seems kind of excessive doesn’t it?
Machete: They should’ve thought about that before they f'ed with the wrong Mexican.