After six pun-tastic years as California’s chief executive, Arnold “Governator” Schwarzenegger is finally leaving office. Since we can’t resist one last opportunity to make dumb jokes at his expense, we’ve put together several pitches for films he can appear in now that he’ll have more time on his hands:
Tagline: He’s going green. They’re GOING DOWN.
The Pitch: Schwarzenegger may be leaving electoral politics, but that doesn’t mean he can’t toss in his two cents on the major issues of the day—including, for example, environmental regulation, which his administration eventually held up as a big priority. In this action thriller, Arnold plays Joe Flexchest, an Ultimate Fighting champion/alternative energy expert who stumbles upon an evil corporate plot to destroy the ozone layer and thereby increase sales of sun visors. In several high-tension chase sequences, the villains behind the plot attempt to capture Joe, who is forced to flee via motorcycle, Hummer and speedboat—all of which have been adapted to run on hydrogen or biofuels.
Tagline: This first-person shooter… Is REAL.
The Pitch: Based loosely on the Schwarzenegger administration’s controversial bestseller Assembly Bill 1179, which restricted the sale of violent video games to minors, Kill Screen envisions an evil game corporation that develops a virtual reality simulation so real that the players are not allowed to leave until they beat the final level. Schwarzenegger will star as Dirk Challenge, an average, everyday Nobel Prize-winning social psychologist who must venture into the world of the game in order to rescue his wife and children. Dirk then goes after the game’s developers in a series of graphic revenge killings, wittily quipping “Game over!” before blowing the CEO’s head into a mist of blood and brain matter. Rated PG-13.
Tagline: …And he’s out—of CONTROL.
The Pitch: 3 Strikes stars Schwarzenegger as Blast Tallwalker, former Olympic marksman turned present-day California sheriff. Since the “three strikes” mandatory sentencing law has deterred all major crime in the state, this film will focus mainly on Blast’s attempts to connect with his estranged daughter, as well as his newfound passion for yoga.
Tagline: Arnold Schwarzenegger is high on life… And MARIJUANA.
The Pitch: This one goes out to all the fans who have been waiting for Arnold to return to the comedy chops he showcased in films like Twins and Junior. Set shortly after the passage of California Senate Bill 1449, which decriminalized minor marijuana possession, Blowing Smoke follows strait-laced family man John Jonesmith (Schwarzenegger) as he gets roped into opening a head shop and selling pot, one ounce at a time, with his wacky stoner brother-in-law Melvin (Zach Galifianakis or Seth Rogen or somebody). Hilarious hijinks, absurd misunderstandings and $100 fines (but not misdemeanor charges) ensue.
Honestly, this is our favorite concept on the list, if only because we really want to see Arnold sporting dreads and tie-dye.
Tagline: Hail to the chief… OR ELSE.
The Pitch: Arnold can’t be president in real life, but there’s nothing stopping him from playing the president on the silver screen! In this sequel to the 1997 Harrison Ford vehicle (no pun intended), Schwarzenegger plays US President Alois Neggenschwarzer, an Austrian-American unanimously elected into the Oval Office after a constitutional amendment is passed abolishing the requirement that presidents be native-born citizens. Neggenschwarzer’s plane is hijacked as he is flying back to the US from Jerusalem after solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and he is forced to take matters into his own hands, proving that naturalized citizens can be just as good as natives at kicking terrorist ass.
Did we say the head shop one was our favorite? We lied.