Here at Mania.com, we like to focus on the important things in life. There are a lot of problems in the world today, so it seems like it might be a perfect waste of time to reimagine what popular characters would be like in high school. I mean, everyone is down on prequels and reboots these days anyway, so why dream up an entire column about R2D2 going through puberty or something. It's just that--you know what? Forget it. That sounds awesome. Let's dream up some pitches that any sane editor or producer burn in his office trashcan.
First of all, let's remember that Blade is just f--king awesome. He's a black half-vampire with all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses. He's a martial arts master. And, he lives for the hunt. Most of us can't get through a one-page essay without checking Cracked.com for the 5 Most Unintentionally Gay Star Wars Characters or something. But, Blade hunts vampires. When he's not hunting them, he's preparing to for it. Just weep, for you will never come close to that level of badassery. What happens when we "reimagine" him back in an American high school? Well, if it's any later than the 1990s, they've probably got metal detectors so the swords and guns are out. But vampires? Whether it's Twilight, Interview with the Vampire, Lost Boys, or whatever, every generation has a movie that makes a bunch of kids clamoring to join the ranks of the undead. South Park nailed it with the Clamato-sipping vampire kids that tried to take Butters's soul in an ancient Hot Topic ritual. Who better than teenage Blade to chase them off the bleachers, rip out those fake fangs, and send them running back online to bitch about him on Facebook?
Let's get clear on one thing: guys like Wolverine because he's what every teenage boy wants to be--he's unstoppable in a fight, he drinks heavily, stays young forever, charms the ladies, and is somehow still disciplined enough to be a samurai. Every guy likes to think that he can turn on that cool-mystic-warrior thing if he needs to. Wolverine would be the bad kid smoking cigarettes behind the school with a temper like the moshpit at a Pantera concert. We're talking straight up '80s bully, here. But of course, there's a heart underneath all that hair--and my god, the hair--because Logan has a secret. With that healing factor and those bone claws, he feels like an outsider on the inside. That makes him one of the "cool bullies," like Rudy from Monster Squad. He might get suspended on a regular basis and awkwardly pop claws in the middle of class, but Logan sticks up for the little guys in school.
An elite black-ops counterterrorism unit with colorful costumes? Back in high school? Surely you've heard of JROTC? Admittedly, most schools wouldn't tolerate all out war between a militarized group of students and whatever snake-themed campus gang would take Cobra's place. But, any writer of crap cartoons would jump on the idea of campus competitions between the junior Joes and the Cobra gang--football, dance-offs, and mathelete competitions, oh my! We'd also get the old guard of Joes as instructors to raise the next generation--kind of like Tiny Toons or Dennis Haskins slumming in that TV classic Saved by the Bell: The New Class for seven seasons. Think of it! Snake Eyes teaching physical fitness! Flint teaching military history! Duke as their CO! Gung Ho for home economics (maybe not)! You know what, though? This idea is f--king terrible. It's also the most plausible pitch for a lame-ass spinoff series in this article so far. Gentlemen, start your bidding. Yo Joe.
We could show everyone's favorite furry copilot back on Kashyyyk as an awkward teenager, but we all saw the Star Wars Holiday Special. No one needs to see the early life of a Wookie on film after that. So, why not put Chewie in an American high school!? It probably sounds awful, but I bet you've seen a little movie called Teen Wolf. The two aren't that far apart--except that this furry teenager can't change back to Michael J. Fox. For that matter, he doesn't speak English or wear pants. Jeez, maybe not. Then again, the ground is fertile for puberty jokes, what with all the body hair and such. Every wookie has to grow up. Then again, I can't imagine Chewbacca getting cornered in the locker room by a bunch of jock d-bags. When you can rip people's arms out of their sockets, they're probably going to leave you the hell alone.
Ol' Con-Job's as cool as they come, no doubt. But, imagine him back in school--but not so much the bleak British boy's school he probably attended. At this point, you're going "Kurt, you pulled that same gag four times already. I'm going over to Cracked.com to read about the gayest Star Wars characters." That's why we're sending John Constantine to Hogwarts instead. This sh-t writes itself, Maniacs. Which house does Con-Job belong to? The house of Sod Off, that's which one. Constantine stands firmly on his own team. Seriously, I can't imagine him actually lasting at the school for more than a semester. He'd get kicked out for summoning demons or something--and doing it just to expel them to show that he could. No, if someone wrote a ridiculous young-Constantine-at-Hogwarts story, he'd only be around for one book. Still, it'd be interesting to see Constantine's anarchic take on magic thrown into the Harry Potter universe like a bucket of freezing blood--and by interesting, we mean hilarious and sick at the same time.