Transformers: Dark of the Moon Blu-Ray Review (Mania.com)

By:Tim Janson
Review Date: Tuesday, October 04, 2011

 

With Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Director Michael Bay gives us two films for the price of one.  One film involves giant, sentient robots kicking the crap out of each other with the fate of the world in the balance.  The other is some sort of teen drama involving Sam Witwicky’s (LaBeouf) pathetic attempts to find a job (despite saving the world twice of which he constantly reminds us), and his constant whining despite having yet another girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who is way out of his league.  At this point, is there really a need for the Sam Witwicky character?  In the cartoon series, Sam was the young human who was there for kids to relate to.  I got news for ya…even kids in the 1980s hated Sam Witwicky.  Then as now we wished for just one transformer to stumble and land on top of him.  Well no such luck again!
 
Bay seems to have completely lost sight of what the Transformers are about as he decides to add more star power to the cast with Patrick Dempsey (who is a star for some reason…sorry I remember him as the dweeb from 1980s teen comedies); John Malkovich who plays Sam’s crazy boss but has no Earthly good reason for being in the film; Francis McDormand as Charlotte Mearing, the Director of National Intelligence; and Ken Jeong who may well be the most irritating human walking the planet.  Well more human star power can only come at a price and that price is less of the Transformers which might be a good thing considering the sheer stupidity of the plot. 
 
It seems that during the war on Cybertron, several Autobots escape on their spacecraft “The Ark” but the ship is damaged and crash lands on Earth’s moon in 1961.  The ship was carrying an invention capable of ending the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons.  The 1960s space race between the U.S. and the USSR is tied in as a means of seeing who could investigate the crash first.  OK so far and cool in a way to tie this in to actual history but it’s mostly downhill from there.  While investigating the site of the Chernobyl nuclear accident, U.S. Forces and Optimus are attacked by Shockwave…badass Shockwave…who then promptly disappears for about 90 minutes.  The Autobots investigate the Moon and find a de-powered Sentinel Prime, Optimus Prime’s predecessor as leader of the Autobots.  However, when Sentinel is revived he attacks the Autobots and sides with the Decepticons and plans to use his invention, a space bridge, to bring Cybertron to the Earth so Humans can be used as slaves to rebuild the Transformers home world.
 
Yikes!  Where do we begin?  Apparently these superior intelligent Transformers don’t know squat about physics and what would happen if you brought another planet within such close proximity to earth.  How about permanently screwing the orbit, rotation, and magnetic field of the planet, basically destroying the Earth?  So much for your slave labor!  And how exactly was this space bridge technology going to end the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons?  And where was the Ark heading before it was damaged and crashed on the Moon?  Best not try to connect many dots because it’s not going to lead to any sort of recognizable shape. 
 
It gets worse…Sam lives with two small Autobots, Wheelie and Brains, who are there for comic relief and are like a couple of lazy frat brothers.  Apparently the comic relief provided by Sam’s parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White) and the comic relief provided by the returning John Turturro as former government agent Seymour Simmons was deemed by Bay to be NOT enough comic relief.  And can someone please tell me WHY Michael Bay thinks that older Transformers need to have pieces of metal hanging from their faces so that it resembles beards?  I mean if a Transformer was older wouldn’t it make more sense that they’d be a bit rusty or dented to show their age?  What kind of blade do you need to shave that face?  Like a Gillette Titanium 1,000,000?
 
Mike, you’ve had three shots now, and you can’t even blame Megan Fox this time around for the latest disaster.  You’ve overstuffed each succeeding film to the point of collapsing under its own weight.  Time to pass the baton off to someone else and see what they can do because clearly, you are clueless.
 
Blu-Ray Extras
 
None! Thats rightthe 2 disc Blu-ray/DVD/Digital Edition comes with no extras whatsoever. But you know what it does come with? A $10 off coupon for the Transformers: Ultimate Edition Blu-Ray that is Loaded with Never-before-seen EXCLUSIVE Bonus Content. I am speechless…
 


Mania Grade: D+
Blu-ray: Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Rating: PG-13
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Patrick Dempsey
Written By: Ehren Kruger
Directed By: Michael Bay
Distributor: Paramount Pictures Home Entertainment
Original Year of Release: 2011
Extras: None! See Below
Series: Transformers: The Dark of the Moon