TV Wasteland: Super Bowl Time (Mania.com)

By:Rob Vaux
Date: Sunday, January 29, 2012

 

It’s Super Bowl week, and I’m still nursing my wounds from the Niners’ crushing defeat in the NFC Championship. (Tom Brady, you and your relentless band of robotic killjoys are my only hope!) In the meantime, here’s what else we have to watch this week.
 
Monday
Alcatraz (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
Rebecca finds herself in a tough position after a bank robber returns with more than time locks on his mind.
 
Being Human (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Aiden has to keep it together when his blood supply is cut off. That, or treat his new date like a Slurpee in a cocktail dress; whatever works.
 
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
The Fae may behind the disappearance of a local college girl, as Kenzi and Bo investigate.
 
Jurassic Park III (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
If Alcatraz doesn’t completely scratch your Sam Neill itch, the fair-to-middling finale to the Jurassic Park series should be just what the doctor ordered.
 
The Mummy (AMC, 10:00 PM EST)
Brendan Fraser vs. Arnold Vosloo and a slew of CGI monsters. Place your bets everyone! Okay, don’t do that; you can probably guess who wins…
 
Death Race (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Jason Statham takes on the David Carradine role in a huge guilty pleasure of a remake. Joan Allen slums like a pro too.
 
From Hell (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
The Hughes brothers deliver a first-rate adaptation of Allan Moore’s nearly unfilmable graphic novel about the hunt for Jack the Ripper.
 
Ginger Snaps (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
Two sisters encounter a monster in the woods, and suddenly find out what it’s like to tear apart the neighbor’s pets with their teeth. It. is. Awesome.
 
Tuesday
House of Dark Shadows (TCM, 10:00 PM EST)
TCM airs a movie version of the cult classic TV series in anticipation of the Tim Burton remake this summer.
 
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (Cinemax, 7:30 PM EST)
I wonder: are they going to show this in tandem with Part 2 when the latter film’s time in the premium cable queue shows up? Because that would seriously rock.
 
Men in Black (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Will Smith is right: he does make that look good.
 
Robots (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
This not-bad animated film about a whimsical society of robots features a high caliber cast, but gets by on looks more than story.
 
WarGames (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Remember when we thought computers would start World War 3, and the only way to stop them was to force them to play Tic-Tac-Toe until they understood the folly of a no-win scenario? Good times…
 
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 7:00 PM EST)
Unanimously considered the worst of the Transformers saga, this features racist robots, nonsensical plot development and enough make-up slathered on Megan Fox’s face to make you forget how good-looking she is.
 
Avatar (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
Sam Worthington, ladies and gentlemen! Give him a hand!
 
I Am Number Four (Showtime, 7:00 PM EST)
Extraterrestrial teens hide on Earth from Kevin J. Durand and his gang of fanged monstrosities in a silly but ultimately harmless sci-fi thriller.
 
Dawn of the Dead (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
Look, the Zack Snyder version of this film is perfectly fine, but it might be nice to show us the real one once in a while…
 
Drag Me to Hell (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Sam Raimi returns to his hard-core horror roots in a brilliant film that absolutely no one saw.
 
Wednesday
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
We’re in kind of a run-of-the-mill period for Ghost Hunters, with a haunted bed-and-breakfast in Tennessee.
 
Face Off (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Make-up legend Tom Savini serves as a guest judge as the contestants create monsters based on phobias.
 
The Day the Earth Stood Still (FMC, 7:30 PM EST)
The same thing I said about Dawn of the Dead applies double here; at least that remake doesn’t suck on toast…
 
I, Robot (FMC, 10:00 PM EST)
It’s father-and-son Smith night on FMC, with young Jaden giving way to Papa Fresh Prince for the second half of the double feature.
 
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EST)
The best of C.S. Lewis’s Narnia books turns into a grand disappointment of a movie… and possibly the end of the franchise to boot.
 
Thursday
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Leonard finally has enough of Sheldon and puts the coveted roommate contract in danger.
 
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
A gate crasher arrives at Klaus’s dinner party, while a murder weapon causes trouble for Alaric and Elena.
 
The Secret Circle (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
The witch hunters may be returning, prompting Cassie to ask for aid from the Circle.
 
Predators (Cinemax, 8:10 PM EST)
Having recently re-watched Predator 2, my appreciation for this film has only increased.
 
The Omen (FMC, 7:30 PM EST)
Crappy Remakes Week continues with a thoroughly unnecessary new version of the inexplicably popular son-of-Satan movie from the 1970s.
 
And they’re not showing Groundhog Day today because…?
 
Friday
Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
Astrid encounters the parallel universe version of herself while the team hunts for an unusual chemical weapon.
 
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
A sinister black market provides human organs for inhuman monsters, which may be connected to a string of homeless people who have disappeared.
 
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Nikita can destroy the Guardians forever, but if she does, then a gaggle of Oversight hostages will be killed. Decisions, decisions…
 
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
Serial killings with occult origins prompt the Winchesters’ attention. I’m sure it’s more interesting than it sounds.
 
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon, 8:00 PM EST)
Obi-Wan continues his quest, with Anakin in pursuit, as the four-part arc continues.
 
Merlin (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
When Arthur kills the ruler of a nearby kingdom, the newly widowed queen promises a serious beatdown. Can this kid maybe not piss everyone off all the time?
 
Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
Spartacus attacks a local villa and attempts to integrate the freed slaves into his group. Meanwhile, Lucretia starts making some freaky predictions, thus cementing her status as our favorite batshit crazy chick in all of television!
 
When a Stranger Calls (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
You know, the original didn’t have anything going for it except “the call is coming from inside the house!” What makes you think that the remake is going to do any better?
 
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
I’m calling for a vote: worst movie title ever? And… the “ayes” have it.
 
The Chronicles of Riddick (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Everyone laughs at Vin Diesel, but this sequel to his breakout hit Pitch Black proves surprisingly durable.
 
Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 8:00 PM EST)
Lean and no-nonsense, just like its heroes.
 
Saturday
The Fades (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
The Angelics fall to infighting while Paul’s relations try to come to grips with his accident.
 
Transformers (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
Michael Bay has clearly found his muse with the ubiquitous Hasbro toys. God help us all.
 
Gladiator (Cinemax, 7:20 PM EST)
Say what you will about it, I pretty much have “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” seared into my brain matter at this point.
 
Wanted (FX, 10:00 PM EST)
They shoot bullets around corners. Also, Morgan Freeman says, “shoot this motherfucker.” Do you really need any other reasons to tune in?
 
Knowing (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Try to spot the moment when this apocalyptic thriller goes into balls-out, funny-for-all-the-wrong-reasons Looney Tunes mode.
 
Night of the Demons (Showtime, 10:05 PM EST)
This is why you never hold Halloween parties in haunted New Orleans mansions…
 
Outlander (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
Not to be mistaken with Outland, the middling Sean Connery picture. This is Outlander, the cataclysmically goofy Jim Caviezel picture.
 
Pandorum (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
You’ll probably see worse science fiction films, but you won’t see many that are this unpleasant for no discernable reason.
 
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (USA, 8:00 PM EST)
Excited about the sequel? This will fix that.
 
Sunday
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Give Steven Spielberg credit: he pretty much pulled that horrendous re-issue with the CGI effects out of circulation, leaving us with the original version… which never needed such “help” in the first place.
 
Big Fish (Cinemax, 7:50 PM EST)
Tim Burton scores with a charming fantasy about a genial liar and his estranged son.
 
The Green Hornet (Starz, 8:00 PM EST)
Who, exactly, thought this was a good idea?
 
Alien and Alien 3 (IFC, 6:00 PM EST and 8:30 PM EST)
Once again, they pair the superior original with the “we’re so hard-core we’re going to ice the little girl” third film that everyone pretty much agrees is a stinker.
 
Once Upon a Time is off for the Super Bowl.


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