TV Wasteland: Seasons Close (

By:Rob Vaux
Date: Sunday, May 06, 2012

‘Tis the season for season finales. Five arrive this week for genre shows, with more on the way later this month. Thankfully, four of them are already renewed or very likely to be renewed, and the fifth – The CW’s The Secret Circle – at least stands a fighting chance of renewal. That means that “farewell” does not mean “good-bye” and fans can take heart in the fact that this week’s episode likely won’t be the last. Which ones, specifically, are wrapping things up for the season? Let’s have a look.

Eureka (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Zane and Allison take stock of things after the VR experience, while Fargo struggles to accept the loss of Holly.

Lost Girl  (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
In a fit of pique, Kenzi summons a witch as a way of punishing Dyson’s bad behavior.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
The classic original will never be forgotten. This well-meaning remake was forgotten almost before the first weekend’s grosses came in.

The Happening (FMC, 9:30 PM EST)
They’re just not scary, M. Night. Like, at all.

TRON: Legacy (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
I’m still smarting over the lack of an Oscar nomination for Daft Punk’s incredible score.

Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Ghosts in Texas and Bigfoot in Kentucky give this week’s episode a distinct south-of-Mason-Dixon feel. Also, tell Kentucky that California wants its Sasquatch back.

Die Hard (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
I keep explaining to the kids that there were no cell phones in 1988, so climbing to the roof with a walkie-talkie really was his only option.

Sucker Punch (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EST)
It’s not pro-feminist. Just… no.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
More pro-feminist than Sucker Punch, though considering James Cameron’s treatment of his leading lady/fourth wife Linda Hamilton, I’m prepared to revise that distinction.

Jumper (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
Just think: this could have been Twilight before Twilight. Which makes you wonder what Twilight would have looked like if Samuel L. Jackson had been in it.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Small trivia note: despite his appearance both here and as Captain America, Chris Evans is not the first actor to play two separate Marvel characters. That would be Ray Stevenson, who portrayed both the Punisher and Thor’s Volstagg before Captain America hit theaters. (Stevenson also clips Ryan Reynolds, who played both Marvel’s Deadpool and DC’s Green Lantern, by a few weeks.)

Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
A princess of some variety apparently perished in New Hampshire, giving the state’s tourism board a black eye and an excuse for the Ghost Hunters team to pay the place a visit.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
They should have quit while they were ahead.

Live Free or Die Hard (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Having found a tent-pole star in Justified’s Timothy Olyphant, FX seems reluctant to let him go. Hence, this not-at-all-bad entry in the Die Hard franchise, featuring Olyphant as the key villain.

Hostel (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
RIP torture porn. You won’t be missed.

Fear Island (Showtime, 9:35 PM EST)
This 2009 direct-to-cable movie is exactly, precisely the sort of thing that Cabin in the Woods mocked so mercilessly.

The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 PM EST)
Howard and Bernadette rush to get married before the launch of his NASA mission as the fifth season comes to an end.

The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Season Three (?!) closes out with Elena wishing that her parents were still alive while Stefan and Damon set out on a dangerous mission.

The Secret Circle (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
The Witch Hunters are circling, forcing Cassie and Diana to use dark magic to stop them. This would be the evening’s third season finale, for those keeping score at home.

Vampire in Brooklyn (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
Wes Craven directed this Eddie Murphy vanity project and couldn’t make the mixture of comedy and horror work. Fellow Murphy collaborator John Landis might have been a better option.

Cursed (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Craven didn’t do much better with this misbegotten werewolf picture that thought it was much more clever than it turned out to be.

Hostel Part II (IFC, 10:00 PM EST)
The film that shot torture porn in the head. Thank God.

Avatar (FX, 9:00 PM EST)
That’s three-and-a-half hours with commercials kids. Pack a lunch.

The Village (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
Just because the twist is logically sound doesn’t make it any less lame.

The Wicker Man (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Of all the bad Nicolas Cage movies out there, this may be the worst. And by that I mean “best worst.”

Fringe (Fox, 9:00 PM EST)
The two-part season finale finishes up tonight as the Fringe team goes all-out to save the world.

Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
Nick meets a creature that can’t revert to human form.

Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Percy tries his hand at a little nuclear blackmail for shits and giggles, leaving Nikita and the gang to presumably thwart him.

Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
The Winchesters set out to retrieve three mystic items that will allow them to vanquish Dick Roman. I’m guessing none of them involve the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow.

Freaky Friday (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EST)

The World Is Not Enough (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Wait, is this the underwhelming Brosnan Bond with Michelle Yeoh or the underwhelming Brosnan Bond with Denise Richards? Oh, the Denise Richards one. *shudder*

The Silence of the Lambs (Bravo, 8:00 PM EST)
Because I’m sure basic cable censorship won’t harm this movie in any way at all. 

Alien: The Director’s Cut (Cinemax, 7:20 PM EST)
They so should have gone with this version of the aliens’ life cycle.

Men in Black (Cinemax, 9:20 PM EST)
So good it really didn’t need a sequel. Naturally, it has two.

Source Code (Showtime, 9:25 PM EST)
Director Duncan Jones scored a quiet slam dunk with this tale of time travel and alternate realities, as Jake Gyllenhaal’s displaced soldier seeks to stop a terrorist explosion over and over again.

Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 8:02 PM EST)
“Slam dunk” is the wrong term here, but it’s worth a look.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
For some reason, ABC has decided to clog its schedule with the worst of the four Pirates movies to date. Fairly warned thee be says I.

Dune (BBC America, 7:00 PM EST)
David Lynch went balls-out on this adaptation of the Frank Herbert sci-fi classic. The results are imperfect, but definitely interesting.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (Bravo, 8:00 PM EST)
Never never never pass up a chance to give it another look… even on basic cable.

The A-Team (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EST)
A brazen attempt to cash in on the goodwill of an old TV show? Perhaps, but that doesn’t make it any less fun.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith (FX, 6:30 PM EST)
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie play husband-and-wife spies in a film that destroyed their previous relationships and paved the way for their permanent spot on the supermarket tabloids.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
The epic conclusion to the Harry Potter franchise delivers everything its fans could hope for… though don’t expect to hop in without watching the first seven films first.

Die Hard 2 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
Because nothing says “independent” like the ginormous sequel to a Bruce Willis vehicle.

Beastly (Showtime, 8:30 PM EST)
It was buried for a reason.

Resident Evil (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Syfy falls back on an old standby for its Saturday night line-up. Followed by the scintillating masterpiece “To Be Announced.”

Diabolique (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
Fans of the macabre should check out this classic French film about a harsh schoolmaster done in by his colluding wife and mistress. Remade with Sharon Stone in the 1990s, but accept no substitutes for the Hitchcockian original.

Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
The first season comes to an end with… well, ABC is being coy about the details, but it will probably end on a cliffhanger. (Renewal is very likely, so fans shouldn’t panic.)

Men in Black II (TBS, 8:00 PM EST)

Let’s hope Part 3 is a wee bit better.