TV Wasteland: Friday Night Finales (Mania.com)
Date: Monday, May 14, 2012
Another round of season finales hits this week, most on Friday night where The CW’s line-up joins Grimm in taking its bows. Have a look at what’s on tap!
Eureka (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Carter freaks out a little bit... and by “a little bit” we mean “a fuck-ton.”
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Dyson has what we politely refer to as “a past” – a Middle Ages past, actually, which comes around to bite him while on a mission with Bo.
Once Upon a Time in Mexico (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Robert Rodriguez tests audience indulgence to the limit with his third entry in the Mariachi saga. Johnny Depp, however, scores points with his adroit use of the term “fuckmook.”
Bolt (Disney, 8:30 PM EST)
I will avoid the easy digs at John Travolta and simply note that this CGI animated feature is pretty darn good.
1408 (FMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Hey, I didn’t like this movie. How come Sam Jackson didn’t savage ME in a vicious tweet?
The Day the Earth Stood Still (FMC, 10:30 PM EST)
Keanu is in his element but the rest of the film… meh.
Ghost Rider (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
If only Nick Cage’s crazy weren’t so… you know, Nick Cagey.
Conan the Barbarian (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
It’s the 30th anniversary of Conan today, so IFC is paying tribute. Check out our review of the film back on the main page: part of our celebration of the summer of 1982.
Toy Story 3 (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Pixar goes a lot darker than anyone thought possible in this masterful conclusion to the Toy Story trilogy.
Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Those ghosts sure do loves them the battleships… in this case the USS North Carolina, which apparently hosts an unquiet spirit.
Gun Crazy (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
Once again, I will point out that Turner Classic is made of awesome. This gritty bit of film noir – about a sharpshooting couple who embark upon a deadly crime spree – is required viewing for anyone who loves movies.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
This, on the other hand, just might be the worst movie of the past decade. Take a look if you don’t believe me… or pass it by and save yourself a wasted evening.
Jumper (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Jamie Bell provides the only respite in an otherwise dismal sci-fi thriller.
Priest (Starz, 10:00 PM EST)
Better than Jumper, but still fairly far down the list for your evening’s entertainment.
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Hunter Grant Wilson enters into his final investigation: a haunted inn in Whitefield, New Hampshire.
X2 (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
The X-Men franchise hits a palpable high with Bryan Singer’s second entry… topped by Alan Cumming’s terrific turn as Nightcrawler (one of the few performances limited to this film).
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Fantastic Four (FMC, 7:30 PM EST and 9:30 PM EST)
The first one airs at 5:00 PM, which accounts for the seeming oddity of scheduling the sequel before the original. Not that it makes much of a difference with movies this bad…
Escape from LA (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
This isn’t a movie. It’s a victory lap.
The Green Mile (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
Multiple Oscar nominations accompanied Frank Darabout’s earnest but overly long adaptation of the Stephen King novel.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (ABC Family, 7:00 PM EST)
ABC Family is pushing the boy who lived this week, so get out your sorting hats and settle in.
X-Men: The Last Stand (FMC, 9:30 PM EST)
The third entry in the X-Men saga isn’t wretchedly bad, but it certainly constitutes a let-down after the outstanding films that preceded it.
Pitch Black (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
This film, for better or for worse, launched the career of Vin Diesel. It also rocks.
Grindhouse (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Though technically broken into two separate movies, this still is Grindhouse as it was meant to be, with Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror preceding Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof. Syfy, you are officially forgiven a considerable number of shenanigans.
The Big Bang Theory and The Vampire Diaries are reruns.
Grimm (NBC, 9:00 PM EST)
Season One comes to an end with a murderer on the loose and the search for the gold coins takes on a more urgent intensity.
Nikita (The CW, 8:00 PM EST)
Season Two ends with Nikita and Michael ready to cut Percy down once and for all.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 PM EST)
The battle between the Winchesters and Dick Roman comes to a shattering head in the season finale (number seven for those keeping track at home).
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EST)
Gary Oldman joins the cast as the enigmatic Sirius Black in the well-regarded third entry to the series.
Goldeneye (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
Sean Bean death alert. That is all.
The Rite (Cinemax, 7:00 PM EST)
Is Tony Hopkins punking us here or what?
Race to Witch Mountain (Disney, 7:45 PM EST)
Not even The Rock can make this misbegotten update of the 70s live action movie work.
The Happening (FMC, 9:30 PM EST)
On the other hand, he has the good sense not to appear in this turkey.
American Graffiti (TCM, 8:00 PM EST)
I’m going to say this: it’s a better move than Star Wars. *Ducks for cover.*
Spider-Man 3 (ABC, 8:00 PM EST)
Sam Raimi clashed with the studio over the inclusion of Venom here… which is why we’re looking at a Spidey reboot this summer instead of another outing with Tobey Maguire.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EST)
Imelda Staunton steals the show as the sickly sweet Delores Umbridge in Harry Potter’s fifth adventure.
Independence Day (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
The best alien invasion movie featuring inebriated crop duster pilots EVER!
V for Vendetta (BBC America, 8:00 PM EST)
It’s not bad, but it’s not what it could have been.
RoboCop (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EST)
Cinemax uncorks a genuine 80s classic, featuring Peter Weller as a lonely cyborg tasked to clean up crime in Detroit.
Live Free or Die Hard (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
Bruce Willis reprises his role as John McClane in a sequel that falls firmly into “it could have been worse” territory.
X-Men: First Class (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
That Michael Fassbender is awesome, isn’t he?
Battle: Los Angeles (Starz, 7:00 PM EST)
Aaron Eckhart vs. aliens. What kind of soulless monster says no to that?
Stealth (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
There are better movies than this silliness about an AI stealth fighter running amuck, but few as mystically, profoundly goofy.
American Warships (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
It sounds like a dull History Channel documentary, but it’s actually about the crew of a battleship that takes on an alien invasion. Gee, I wonder where they got that idea?
Scream 4 (Showtime, 8:00 PM EST)
They’re not aware that they’ve become the thing they once mocked, are they?
Game of Thrones (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
Theon tries to hold on at Winterfell while Robb finds a metaphorical knife planted right in his back. Stupid metaphorical knives.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
The sixth entry brings all of the elements together in fine fashion, prepping for the big finale to the Harry Potter series.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
What would make this better? Nothing. As in, nothing you can do will make this good.
Outlander (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
Aliens helped the Vikings. Who knew?
Resident Evil Apocalypse (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The series goes a long way on the charms of Milla Jovovich. Thankfully, she’s tailor-made for this material.