Football season kicks off this week, which doesn’t stop the slow march of new genre shows starting up again in September. Here’s what’s coming up in between the touchdowns, hard hits and nightmarish sight of Peyton Manning in a Broncos uniform.
Alphas (Syfy, 8:00 PM EST)
A new Alpha displays the ability to control minds, cementing Parish’s status as a certified Doer of Evil.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Artie appears to have dodged his fate, but he still has to find out where all those missing artifacts have scuttled off to. Elsewhere, Bering and Latimer track down a growth pill… possibly from the heretofore unseen collection of Alice in Wonderland artifacts.
The Green Mile (AMC, 7:00 PM EST)
Say good-bye to Michael Clarke Duncan with the film that earned him an Oscar nomination (a Stephen King adaptation about a death-row inmate with healing powers). It repeats at the same time throughout the week in case you miss it.
Doomsday (FMC, 7:30 PM EST and 10:00 PM EST)
Of all the Road Warrior rip-offs out there, this is one of them. On the plus side, Bob Hoskins!
Dream House (HBO, 9:00 PM EST)
I’m glad Daniel Craig signed up for more Bond films because it reduces the chances of him making turkeys like this one anytime in the future.
Source Code (Showtime, 6:50 PM EST)
David Bowie’s kid directed this nifty little sci-fi mind-bender… following up his equally impressive Moon. Keep an eye on him. He’s going places.
I, Robot (Spike, 7:00 PM EST)
And I restate my original thesis: Will Smith makes anything look good.
Face Off (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Paul W.S. Anderson is a guest judge this week, as the contestants create undead versions of Alice in Wonderland characters.
Collection Intervention (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
Great, they dragged Richard Hatch into their evil scheme. Y’yall just keep your hands off my garage full of Godzilla paraphernalia, you fucking ghouls.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Cinemax, 8:00 PM EST)
Sean Connery ends his career here. And if that doesn’t make you take to drinking, nothing will.
Night at the Museum (FMC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST)
It’s a marvelous concept – a major museum comes alive at night – utterly undone by indifferent execution.
Salt (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
I want to like this spy thriller, because it’s fairly well done. Angelina Jolie’s brittle starvation-level figure kind of takes the fun out of it, however.
Rambo 4 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 9:45 PM EST)
You’ll probably do well to skip to the last 25 minutes, when the whole “Stallone kills everyone” bit kicks in.
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
The team checks out a haunted house in North Carolina and a haunted campsite in rural Georgia.
Paranormal Witness (Syfy, 10:00 PM EST)
It’s off to the West Coast, where a single mom claims that her apartment is haunted.
Jumanji (ABC Family, 6:00 PM EST)
Captain America director Joe Johnston helmed this fair-to-middling family film about a jungle board game come to life. It’s not exactly a classic, but you could do worse.
Alice in Wonderland (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
The schedule finally stops pussy-footing around and just shows us Alice. (It’s the Tim Burton version, for those keeping score at home.)
Wanted (FX, 8:00 PM EST)
Jolie looks marginally better here than she did in Salt, but only just.
The Road (FX, 10:30 PM EST)
In case you feel that your life is utterly without hope, just remember: you’re not these guys.
Devil (HBO, 7:00 PM EST)
Five strangers trapped in an elevator with Satan. It sounds like the set-up for a joke, doesn’t it? In many ways, it is.
The Prestige (IFC, 8:00 PM EST)
I’m going to say it: this is Christopher Nolan’s best movie.
The Forbidden Kingdom (IFC, 10:45 PM EST)
I’d love to see Jet Li and Jackie Chan do The Wizard of Oz. This film gives them plenty of practice.
Real Steel (Showtime, 6:50 PM EST)
The actor’s name is Kevin Durand. He plays Hugh Jackman’s Stetson-wearing nemesis. He is awesome in everything he does. That is all.
Freaky Friday (Starz, 7:20 PM EST)
Remember when Lindsay Lohan was the new Jodie Foster? Depressing as shit, isn’t it?
Cars 2 (Starz, 9:00 PM EST)
Pixar officially loses its invincible sheen with this disappointing sequel to the not-exactly-stellar original. That’s pretty damn depressing too.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (ABC Family, 8:30 PM EST)
This is not the Jake Gyllenhaal movie you’re looking for.
Cowboys and Aliens (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EST)
Again, with the keeping of Daniel Craig away from the crappy movies thing.
Max Payne (FMC, 7:00 PM EST and 9:00 PM EST)
Those Resident Evil films look a lot better once you’ve had a look at this turkey.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (Starz, 9:42 PM EST)
Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush square off for the fourth time in an epic quest for the Fountain of Youth. It’s generally reviled and really doesn’t deserve to be.
Hard Candy (Sundance, 10:00 PM EST)
If you haven’t seen this wicked thriller, in which precocious teen Ellen Page takes icy revenge against possible pederast Patrick Wilson, then set your DVRs now. It will make you a lifelong fan of both performers.
Burn Notice is off.
Lost Girl (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Season Two comes to a conclusion, with Trick providing a new weapon for Bo and Dyson revealing a potentially devastating secret.
Touch (Fox, 8:00 PM EST)
Apparently, this is the climax to last season, because the second season doesn’t start up until October. Martin begins to suspect his mentor of less-than-upstanding activities, which the new episodes will presumably expand upon.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind (AMC, 8:00 PM EST)
Steven Spielberg followed up Jaws with this science fiction masterpiece, and established himself as the go-to guy for Hollywood blockbusters in the process.
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (Bravo, 8:15 PM EST and 10:45 PM EST)
It’s only the first half of Quentin Tarantino’s two-part action epic. And we’d gotten so used to cable stations screening them back to back…
The Brothers Grimm (IFC, 10:30 PM EST)
Terry Gilliam’s potentially brilliant take on the titular fairy tale writers turns out to be a tragic misfire.
Doctor Who (BBC America, 9:00 PM EST)
A cyborg attacks an Old West town, prompting the Doctor to don tin star and six-gun for a showdown at the TARDIS Corral. As always, check out the great Confessions of a Neowhovian
(http://www.neowhovian.com) for full details on the Doctor’s adventures.
Aladdin and the Death Lamp (Syfy, 7:00 PM EST)
Aladdin summons a genie, but it all goes sideways, forcing them to battle to the death in Thunderdome for Auntie Entity’s amusement. Or something.
Pegasus vs. Chimera (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Mythic? Modern? Either way, there’s sure to be crappy CGI by the truckload.
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (Bravo, 9:00 PM EST)
You couldn’t have run this last night? Really?
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (FMC, 7:00 PM EST)
Someone really needs to explain the appeal of this series to me. They pretty much ran out of ideas after the first one, and yet here we are.
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (FMC, 9:00 PM EST)
The same holds true for this one.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (HBO, 8:00 PM EST)
Unless you’re watching Doctor Who, this brilliant updating of the classic sci-fi franchise is definitely the go-to viewing option tonight.
The Last Legion (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:15 PM EST)
Twice the crappy historical fantasy for your viewing pleasure.
Escape from New York (BBC America, 8:00 PM EST)
Ah BBC America. You take the pain away.
Scream 3 (IFC, 8:00 PM EST and 10:30 PM EST)
Wes Craven’s durable horror franchise crash lands with the third – though sadly not the last – rehash of the same basic idea.
Predator 2 (Syfy, 6:30 PM EST)
At least this sequel knows it’s a sleazy pile of crap.
Fast and Furious (Syfy, 9:00 PM EST)
Once again, Syfy raises the surrender flag on the whole “actual science fiction” notion.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (TBS, 8:00 PM EST)
The second entry in the Pirates series sends Jack Sparrow against Davy Jones and his crew of The Happiest Old Ones on Earth. It may actually be the best of the lot, save for the truncated ending.
Transformers (TNT, 6:00 PM EST)
Who knew that we’d one day be referring to this as “the good one?”