Never before has a title come down from on high (the big boss here at Mania) with, “Maybe one of you guys should review this one?”. I decided that, with a title like “Big Tit Zombies,” just how bad could it be? After all, the title alone assured me of what I was going to see. There would be big tits and zombies. Sadly, this wasn’t the type of fare that we experience in our weekly Shock-O-Rama column here at Mania. No, this was the other end of the spectrum. A film so bad that it supplied its own RiffTrax.
The story revolves around a stripper named Lena (Sola Aoi). She has recently returned to Japan from Mexico and is in desperate need of a job. An old boss gets in contact with her and she ends up stripping again for ten days. Those ten days will change Lena’s life forever.
To skip over the mindlessness of the entire plot is but to save you (and me) time. Let’s just move on to the zombies, shall we? One of Lena’s co-workers, Darna (Io Aikawa), finds a hidden passage in their dressing room. All the girls of the night club follow it in hopes that it may lead to some riches. Instead, Maria (Mari Sakurai) finds... yep, you guessed it... the Book of the Dead. Thankfully, she can read Latin and conjures up a zombie nightmare for our girls to fight through.
Okay, so we have big tits and now zombies, what could possibly go wrong? It was in the first few minutes that I realized the production value of the film wasn’t even close to that of 2008’s Zombie Strippers. Big Tit Zombies or The Big Tits Dragon (the Japanese title) was clearly shot on digital video. Many of the effects were inserted digitally as Lena and Ginko (Risa Kasumi) were hacking through scores of the undead and no blood was getting on their exposed bodies. Scores of the undead is a huge misnomer as there were about ten zombies in the whole picture. At first, you notice the Alice in Wonderland Zombie, then the Ninja Zombie, and, of course, the Samurai Zombie. Sadly, you’ll see them again and again in multiple locations. I thought that maybe they filmed this whole production in two weeks. By the time I was finished I arrived at four days. At the most, four days.
I started watching the film with the dubbed audio track. Immediately, I realized this was a mistake. Why is it that when foreign films get translated or dubbed, they always find the worst actors? The English voices supplied lead me to believe that the Japanese actors, though not the finest, would at least bring some emotion to the scenes. At least they would be better than those supplying the dubbing. Yet, before I switched the language back to Japanese, I noticed that what the girls were saying was not matching the translation. When the night club owner said (in English), “ Big Tit Zombies? More like B-Cups” I decided to hang in with the dubbed version a little longer. It was as if they found the worst RiffTraxers in the world to “help” this movie make fun of itself. Thankfully, their Riffing did make the 73 minutes tolerable, but it may have been the longest 73 minutes of my life.
I’m all for goofy horror movies that can make fun of themselves and the genre they are residing in. Hell, I have even made five of them, myself, in college. What I found is that if you don’t have big tits or sex scenes in your films, you had better have spectacular death scenes and a lot of humor. Big Tit Zombies had none of these things.