Daryls Walker Survival Guide (Mania.com)

By:Chuck Francisco
Date: Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Source: Mania.com

As we prepare to once again face the moaning undead masses of AMC's The Walking Dead (resuming February 10), it's important to take stock of all the assets available to protect us.  It would be folly to wait until you're surrounded by walkers to plan your defense. Instead, let's be proactive and apply the lessons we've learned from everyone's favorite Dixon brother, Daryl (sorry Merle fans). Here are the ten most important walker survival tips we've learned from watching Rick's right hand man...


Silence is Golden

 

Nothing ruins your prison picnic lunch like an errant walker, except perhaps a whole horde of them brought on by your loud as thunder gun fire. Why even bother defending yourself if you're just going to summon twice as many more in doing so. Rather than continuing to ring the dinner bell over and over, invest in an efficient, quiet method of walker dispatch: the crossbow. Daryl's weapon of choice is the Horton Scout HD 125. If you're so inclined, there are a number of websites dedicated to "Daryl's Crossbow". Fair warning: some of them are a little bit creepy. So stay quiet unless you've got a bitching' motorcycle, then...

 

Stay Mobile

A stationary meal is a quickly eaten meal. It's hard to stay mobile on a highway clogged with dead cars. Daryl's hog is one lean machine, weaving in and out of the world's permanent gridlock, all the while guzzling far less fuel than a full sized vehicle. Silence may be golden, but that only matter if the walkers can catch you. 

 

Ask when Borrowing a Horse

If you need to combine the mobility of a motorcycle with the practice of staying as quiet as possible, you really can't do better than a horse. However, selecting a horse isn't the same picking out an oversize sheriff's hat. In a world were the dead walk, it's best to ask which beast is the most stalwart. You wouldn't want a snake to spook it, tossing you down a hill where your trusty crossbow could pierce your side. Oh. We're learning by example, Maniacs!

 

Recycle!

Sure world order and civilization have collapsed, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't continue to care about mother earth! Unless the zombies are a product of her anger with us (walkers would have made The Happening waaaay better). Recycling helps Daryl get the most bang for his survival buck. And we don't mean this as just a matter of practicality, such as reusing his crossbow bolts. Letting nothing go to waste, Daryl fans should fashion of necklace out of walker ears, just like their hero does!

 

Close Combat is the Best Combat

If to get close to a walker is to risk being bitten by a walker (and to love a walker), then why aren't more survivors using pole arms to defeat the foul creatures? I'll tell you why: accuracy. Daryl knows that if you miss with a pole axe, you're walker chow. You avoid that by being precise, lethal, and efficient (to borrow an apt phrase from Gears of War). You also need to get personal with a screw driver. Daryl's dome driver of choice has been modified with tape for enhanced gripping action, and likely sharpened for maximum ease of penetration. Which leads me to...

 

Keep your Friends Close and your Tape Closer

Useful for making your weapons grippier, tape is also quite handy for binding wounds incurred if you, say, fall tumbling headlong down a hill whilst clutching your crossbow too closely (stupid horse). Duct tape  should be on the top of everyone's survival supply list. With enough of it, you could make a rainproof poncho, or even a shelter roof out of it. Daryl couldn't be nearly as lethal a walker killing machine without it. 

 

Safety in Numbers

Twenty year old Twinkies and Spam in a can may become part of your safe, go to diet after the walker apocalypse, but you probably shouldn't eat the random campfire stew crafted by the mumbling stranger. That's the kinda gambling long shot even James Bond wouldn't take. Practice those hunting skills like Daryl, and soon you can nosh on whatever delicious kills you happen to score...unless it's walkers. Don't eat those.


 

Eat only What you Kill

 

 

Twenty year old Twinkies and Spam in a can may become part of your safe, go to diet after the walker apocalypse, but you probably shouldn't eat the random campfire stew crafted by the mumbling stranger. That's the kinda gambling long shot even James Bond wouldn't take. Practice those hunting skills like Daryl, and soon you can nosh on whatever delicious kills you happen to score...unless it's walkers. Don't eat those.


Sleeves are for Sissies

So what if they may afford protection from lethal walker bites? That's nothing compared the powerful plot armor afford by being a fan favorite bad ass. Rip off those sleeves, brandish those guns, and be a hero Daryl! Special note: sleeveless does not confer any plot armor powers if you're wearing padded gloves too. Poor T-Dog.

 

Hold a Baby

 

Let's be honest here and admit that we were all standing in puddles of the melted hearts of a million ladies the night Daryl cooed over little Ass Kicker. There's isn't a point in surviving if there's no chance of humanity going on and getting back to normal some day. Daryl's playing the long game, setting his pieces up now to capture the crowning achievement cutie from amongst the remnants of the female population. If the estrogenal explosion on the Internet is to be believed, then a "well played, Mr. Reedus" is in order. *slow clap*


Now you should be far better equipped to survive the end of the world, which resumes this Sunday night on AMC. I can't wait to see how Daryl handles being reunited with Merle.

 

Chuck Francisco is a columnist and critic for Mania, writing Saturday's Shock-O-Rama, the weekly look into classic cult, horror and sci-fi. He is a co-curator of several repertoire film series at the world famousColonial Theatre in Phoenixville, PA. You can hear him drop nerd knowledge on weekly podcast You've Got Geek or think him a fool of a Took on Twitter.

 



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