TV Wasteland: The Heat is On (

By:Rob Vaux
Date: Monday, July 08, 2013

It’s a fairly full week, though not a hugely exceptional one. Warehouse 13 wraps up, along with some of those canceled burn-offs over on the networks. BBC America begins airing the final season of their version of Being Human, while the Sunday-night juggernauts get ready to hit their groove. Let’s take a look!


Under the Dome (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
Somebody’s going to try to dig their way under the dome, even as an ex-sheriff’s deputy says “nuts” to this whole law-and-order thing.
Teen Wolf (MTV, 10:00 PM EDT)
Scott and his buddies get stuck at a strange hotel, where they may be the killer’s next victims.
Defiance (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
It’s election day in Defiance, as Amanda and Datak go hammer and tongs for all the marbles.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 10:00 EDT)
An ancient alchemist is loose and probably causing all kinds of mischief as the season comes to a close.
V for Vendetta (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
In its efforts to be topical to the time in which it was made, it dates itself far more than the source material ever did.
Hot Tub Time Machine (Comedy, 9:00 PM EDT)
There are a whole lot of people in Cleveland who love this movie solely for what it does to John Elway.
The Italian Job (AMC, 6:30 PM EDT)
Edward Norton is rocking that weasel mustache! He needs to wear it more often.
Demolition Man (AMC, 9:00 PM EDT)
There’s nothing I love more than watching the not-too-distant future as envisioned by Hollywood from 15 years in the past. Repeats on Tuesday at 6:30 PM EDT.
The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl (Disney XD, 6:30 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
THIS is why we don’t let our kids into the pitch meeting.
Salt (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:30 PM EDT)
Liev Shcreiber is awesome. That is all.


Exit (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
The first season comes to a (hopefully) merciful conclusion tonight.
Resident Evil: Retribution (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
It’s the latest one, where the cast of the previous four films all take a curtain call as clones or some such.
Identity (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT)
A failed twist can’t change all the intriguing things that this movie still gives us.
The Professional (Sundance, 9:30 PM EDT)
Luc Besson’s finest moment, even including La Femme Nikita.
Because sometimes a good movie can still be utterly forgettable.
Snow White and the Huntsman (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
At least Chris Hemsworth escaped with his dignity intact.
The Terminator (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
Cinemax is truly awesome by taking the time to show classics like this.
Crank 2 (IFC, 10:45 PM EDT)
It’s best if you look at it as a brazen middle finger extended to the entire universe. And that’s not a bad thing.


Futurama (Comedy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Bender joins the fire department. Yeah, that’s going to end in tears and hurt feelings for everyone…
Ghost Hunters (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
The team heads to Boulder City Hospital in Nevada to check out reports of spooks. Presumably somewhere other than the maternity ward.
Paranormal Witness (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Brace yourselves everyone: they’re bringing in demon-fighting Baptists! 
Big (AMC, 10:30 PM EDT)
Tom Hanks earned his first Oscar nomination for his portrayal of a young boy trapped in a grown man’s body.
Dark Shadows (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
This was the moment when we rose as a single people and said, “Enough with the Johnny Depping, Johnny Depp!”
Hook (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Peter Pan grows up… and decides to star in a schmaltzy effects-laden disaster that embodies the worst instincts of director Steven Spielberg. 


Burn Notice (USA, 9:00 PM EDT)
Michael and Fiona join up with a former Russian in a bid to escape Cuba.
Wilfred (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Wilfred’s going to help Ryan find a roommate. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Ray Harryhausen Marathon (TCM, 8:00 PM EDT)
Because let’s face it: we can’t get enough of him. TCM has lined up a whole evening of Harryhausen treats, starting with Jason and the Argonauts at 8:00 PM EDT, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad at 10:00 PM EDT, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger at 12:00 AM EDT, Earth vs. The Flying Saucers, at 2:00 AM EDT and The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms at 3:30 AM EDT.
Big Trouble in Little China (Sundance, 6:30 PM EDT)
The formula is very simple: the hero acts like a sidekick and the sidekick acts like a hero. From that humble beginning comes the stuff of cult film immortality.
Super Shark (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT)
Some small part of me is praying that the shark shows up with a red cape and an “S” on his chest.
Sharknado (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Ah, Syfy… the sleazy drive-in of the 21st century. 
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (HBO, 6:45 PM EDT)
All payoff. No waiting.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (ABC Family, 8:00 PM EDT)
There’s a certain amount of waiting here, but we get to see Delores Umbridge get hers, and that’s worth any wait.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
There’s a perfectly good fantasy series created by someone who knows how to write playing on not one but TWO other channels tonight. Therefore, anyone who chooses to tune into this one is dead to us.
Signs (AMC, 7:30 PM EDT)
It was a younger time, a simpler time. A time when we weren’t completely turned off by most of the principal figures here.
Hotel Transylvania (Starz, 7:20 PM EDT)
Steve Buscemi’s werewolf dad brings it home for me. The rest of the movie… meh. 
Unknown (TNT, 9:00 PM EDT)
The twist could use some work, but the rest of the movie has a fair amount going for it. Repeats on Saturday at 10:30 PM EDT.


Continuum (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Kiera uses future knowledge to help track a serial killer, but she may be tipping her hand in the process.
Cult (The CW, 8:00 PM EDT)
The series comes to an end with two episodes tonight. I bet it ends on a cliffhanger…
The Truman Show (MTV, 10:00 PM EDT)
There’s a pretty good collection of Jim Carrey movies on tonight, starting with this one which predicts reality television in a quite extraordinary way.
The Mask (ABC Family, 7:00 PM EDT)
For all the visual effects here, it’s still Carrey’s performance that holds our attention.
Liar Liar (ABC Family, 9:00 PM EDT)
This one is pure crap, but there’s magic involved, so we’re contractually obligated to mention it.
Battle: Los Angeles (FX, 9:30 PM EDT)
Nuts to y’all. I liked it.
Cowboys and Aliens (HBO, 7:00 PM EDT)
You can’t just leave it at the title guys. Bad things happen.
The Shawshank Redemption (AMC, 9:00 PM EDT)
A brilliant novella becomes one of the greatest movies of all time.
Tomorrow Never Dies (BBC America, 9:00 PM EDT)
Pierce Brosnan just lost his daughter to the same cancer that claimed his wife. Our deepest sympathies to you and your family, Pierce.
Scary Movie (Bravo, 10:00 PM EDT)
The Wayans brothers have much to answer for.
Snatch (Sundance, 8:00 PM EDT)
If you ever doubt the awesomeness of Jason Statham, look no further.
The Warriors (Sundance, 9:45 PM EDT)
The Punisher (Spike, 5:55 PM EDT)
It says a lot about Spike’s flagrant abuse of commercial breaks that this movie starts before 6. 
The Expendables (Spike, 8:30 PM EDT)
Watch Mickey Rourke’s big speech and try not to be hypnotized by his heroic efforts to bring it home. Repeats on Saturday at 6:34 PM EDT.


Being Human (BBC America, 10:00 PM EDT)
The new season of the British version of this durable supernatural stand-by finds the gang running afoul of a sinister penshioner named Captain Hatch. This is the fifth and final season of the BBC show, so get it while it’s hot!
Sinbad (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
Sinbad wakes up, badly hurt and in the care of strange woman who may or may not have his best interests at heart.
Primeval: New World (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
A pack of those tiny, sharp-toothed dinosaurs make a nest in a giant home improvement store. Wacky mayhem presumably ensues.
Zero Hour (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
We head to the North Atlantic in pursuit of the True Cross, while Hank’s parents debate coming clean with him.
666 Park Avenue (ABC, 9:00 PM EDT)
The series concludes with an ominous “Part 1” in the title. Yup… cliffhanger.
Do No Harm (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Ian has a new flame, but Jason wants to step in and help her and… and I’m starting to see why this show was canceled.
Death Wish Marathon (AMC, 3:00 PM EDT)
AMC is running all five of the Charles Bronson Death Wish films in order at 3:00 PM EDT, 5:00 PM EDT, 7:00 PM EDT, 9:00 PM EDT and 11:00 PM EDT respectively. Tune in at your own risk: the first one is awesome, the remainder unwatchable. 
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
Robert Zemeckis needs to go back to making movies like this. 
Stigmata (Cinemax, 7:15 PM EDT)
Leave it to a Catholic horror movie to really bring out the scenery chewing in talented actors.
The Man with the Iron Fists (Cinemax, 10:00 PM EDT)
The RZA graces us with a fitfully amusing pastiche of wuxia action pictures. Repeats on Sunday at 8:10 PM EDT.
Ted (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
Lots of people love this movie about a teddy bear who comes to life and then grows up with his owner. I am not one of them. Repeats on Sunday at 7:05 PM EDT.
Scarface (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
I would like very much to know what, precisely, Brian de Palma was on when he made this.
Fast and Furious (USA, 8:00 PM EDT)
Note the lack of “the”s in the title, making this the fourth entry instead of the first. They really need to start adding numerals to these things….
The Mechanic (USA, 10:00 PM EDT)
If the real Charles Bronson over on AMC doesn’t float your boat, USA has a pretty good successor in Jason Statham. 


True Blood (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Lafayette conjures Sookie’s dead parents for a little chit-chat, while Warlow and Lillith take a trip down memory lane.
Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Dr. Vogel tries to help Dexter see that he’s wonderful just the way he is, even as Dexter begins an earnest hunt for the Brain Surgeon.
Falling Skies (TNT, 10:00 PM EDT)
The Masons find trouble with a band of human marauders on the road, while that giant alien weapon raises some troubling questions.
The Island (Cinemax, 5:50 PM EDT)
Michael’s Bay’s only flop was ironically one of his better efforts.
Casino Royale (AMC, 6:00 PM EDT)
Daniel Craig starts his reign as James Bond with a bang. The franchise may never be the same.
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (IFC, 7:15 PM EDT)
And again, we get Part 2 without either Parts 1 or 3.
The Bourne Supremacy (Starz, 9:40 PM EDT)
This is the second film, but as long as Matt Damon’s doing his thing, it’s all good
Batman and Robin (Syfy, 8:00 PM EDT)
Every time, I tell myself “is it really as bad as I remember?” Every time, I get my answer right about the time Clooney ice-skates off the dinosaur’s tail.
The Dark Knight (TNT, 6:45 PM EDT)
Wow, the best Batman movie of all time running opposite the worst. Very yin-yang of you, fellas.
Have a fantastic week, everyone!