TV Wasteland: Too Darn Hot (Mania.com)
Date: Monday, July 29, 2013
Everyone go see The Wolverine. Then set your DVRs for the shows and movies below.
Under the Dome (CBS, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s call “The Endless Thirst” and that’s all we know. Hmm… water supply problems?
Teen Wolf (MTV, 10:00 PM EDT)
Allison starts to worry that someone close to her may be doing something bad in specific, yet spoiler-free ways.
The Prestige (Syfy, 7:30 PM EDT)
Christopher Nolan scores his best film to date in a tale of rival magicians whose efforts to outdo each other lead them down dark and possibly damning paths. Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale star.
WALL-E (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
Perhaps Pixar’s finest moment: the whimsical, touching and quietly unsettling story of a robot left behind after pollution destroys the planet.
The Island (Cinemax, 7:45 PM EDT)
It is to date Michal Bay’s only flat-out flop… which is ironic because it’s pretty good if you can get past the whole “naked rip-off of an old MST 3K episode” thing.
The Simpsons Movie (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Surprisingly enough, it actually doesn’t suck.
Avatar (FX, 8:00 PM EDT)
Enjoy your blue cat people. Now with commercials, which means it won’t get done until midnight!
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (IFC, 6:00 PM EDT and 9:45 PM EDT)
You know IFC, they made two more of these. You may want to look into airing them once in a while.
The Bourne Supremacy (Starz, 10:00 PM EDT)
This is Part 2, which means that Matt Damon is still kicking ass like clockwork.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Disney XD, 8:30 PM EDT)
We really had no idea what we were in for, did we?
Heat (Cinemax, 7:05 PM EDT)
The greatest game of cops and robbers ever played. Period. Full stop.
Scarface (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
You really have to see it to believe it. In the exact opposite way as Heat.
Futurama (Comedy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Bender loses his ass and can’t for the world remember where he left it. Yes, really.
Paranormal Witness (Syfy, 9:00 PM EDT)
This week’s episode involves a mad slasher in the mountains of Appalachia. Woot.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (Disney XD, 8:30 PM EDT)
The first Pirates sequel suffers from an excess of excess, but still proves to be loads of fun.
Shrek Forever After (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s an ending. That’s enough.
Iron Man 2 (FX, 7:30 PM EDT)
Glad they got that out of their system. Repeats on Thursday at 6:30 PM EDT.
GoldenEye (BBC America, 8:00 PM EDT)
Pierce Brosnan made his first outing as James Bond a ripping one. Sadly, he could never quite recapture that vibe.
Meet the Robinsons (Disney, 8:00 PM EDT)
An entertaining affair about a family from the future and the present-day boy they latch on to. It dearly needs to take its Ritalin, but its heart is in the right place.
House of 1000 Corpses (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Rob Zombie’s feature debut is ugly and unpleasant when it should be thrilling and unsettling.
The Hills Have Eyes II (IFC, 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s exactly what you’d expect considering that title.
I am skipping Joe Rogan Questions Everything because it’s just too sleazy.
Burn Notice (USA, 9:00 PM EDT)
It’s called “Nature of the Beast” and that’s all we got.
Wilfred (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
And… Ryan’s back in therapy. Small wonder since his dog talks to him.
Stargate SG-1 (Syfy, 8:00 AM EDT)
Syfy is running a marathon of the hit TV series all day. It was a good show, definitely worth another look.
Ted (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Everyone keeps telling me it’s great. I keep refuting it. Damn you. Damn you all…
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (Disney XD, 9:00 PM EDT)
The series hits its palpable low point. I don’t think even Gore Verbinski can tell us what’s supposed to be going on here.
The Happening (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
I think Shyamalan hits rock bottom here. Even After Earth was better.
The Green Mile (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Frank Darabont really knows how to adapt Stephen King, even if said adaption is a little flabby in this case.
Journey to the Center of the Earth (TNT, 9:00 PM EDT)
Whether Brendan Fraser can recover from this awful theme-park ride of a movie has yet to be seen. I hope he can. I really, really do.
Continuum (Syfy, 10:00 PM EDT)
Julien gets shot at, but Alec’s mother takes the hit. And we’re guessing that’s not a good thing.
Wrath of the Titans (Cinemax, 8:15 PM EDT)
“A” for effort guys, but this thing was doomed from the moment of conception.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (BBC America, 9:00 PM EDT)
Somebody needs to get Sean Connery to do another movie. Any movie. He can’t go out on… on… this!
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
It’s not bad, but Part 3 ate its lunch.
Crank 2: High Voltage (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Why do I love it that this movie hates us so much?
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
One of the few films that justifies every bit of hype surrounding it.
Sinbad (Syfy, 6:00 PM EDT)
Syfy is running five episodes all night: leading to the series finale. Guess it wasn’t such a magical voyage after all.
Being Human (BBC America, 10:00 PM EDT)
Rook shows up, asking for a favor, which will probably end in tears and hurt feelings before it’s all over.
Zero Hour (ABC, 8:00 PM EDT)
They’re finally putting this series out of its misery with a two-hour finale. No word on whether it ends on a cliffhanger or not.
Rise of the Guardians (HBO, 8:00 PM EDT)
They really should have done a better job marketing this fairy tale fable. It’s quite lovely and yet the ads just bungled the whole thing.
Planet 51 (Cartoon, 7:00 PM EDT)
An utterly forgettable exercise about an astronaut who lands on an alien planet and has to play the role of Roswell refugee.
Volcano (Cienmax, 7:15 PM EDT)
Remember when Anne Heche was a thing?
Do No Harm (NBC, 10:00 PM EDT)
Ruben sends a gang of thugs for Ian’s spinal fluid, but as usual, there’s a twist.
The Legend of Zorro (AMC, 7:00 PM EDT)
Wow, was this sequel unnecessary. And stupid. And unnecessarily stupid.
The Quick and the Dead (AMC, 10:00 PM EDT)
If you don’t see the humor in a man staring at sunlight streaming through the bullet hole in his chest, this fantastic Western mash-up isn’t going to bother explaining it to you.
Hot Tub Time Machine (Comedy, 6:43 PM EDT)
Not the worst film you can see this evening, believe me. Please allow me to demonstrate…
Your Highness (Comedy, 9:00 PM EDT)
I may never forgive Danny McBride for this. Repeats on Sunday at 9:00 PM EDT)
The Da Vinci Code (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT)
You know, Dan Brown just doesn’t know how to write…
Snow White and the Huntsman (HBO, 9:45 PM EDT)
And the hits just keep on coming…
The Darkest Hour (Showtime, 7:30 PM EDT)
We need more horror movies set in Russia. Just not this one.
Poseidon (IFC, 8:00 PM EDT)
Not the worst remake of all time, but definitely one of the most unnecessary. It reruns on Sunday at 6:30 PM EDT
Cabin Fever (IFC, 10:00 PM EDT)
The film that launched Eli Roth’s career is just as smug and hateful as the rest of his films.
Spider-Man 3 (FX, 10:00 PM EDT)
Okay, I admit it: the reboot was better.
13 Going on 30 (MTV, 7:00 PM EDT)
Hardly original, but that Jennifer Garner is a cutie, isn’t she?
The Odd Life of Timothy Green (Starz, 9:00 PM EDT)
Okay, this one is pushing it Jen…
Hotel Transylvania (Starz, 7:20 PM EDT)
Adam Sandler, on the other hand, gets a narrow pass here.
The Dark Knight (TNT, 8:00 PM EDT)
Best to end the night on a high note (though TCM is playing Lawrence of Arabia at 8:00 PM EDT, and if you haven’t seen it, you’d better clear some time…)
True Blood (HBO, 9:00 PM EDT)
Erik has a plan here right? He’s gotta have a plan! Also, Sookie sees about getting her old boyfriend and new boyfriend to not destroy the world. I think.
Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM EDT)
Dexter’s on the lookout for his next lucky victim, and spies on a young kid who just might fit the bill.
Falling Skies (TNT, 10:00 PM EDT)
The season ends with the 2nd Mass attacking a vital base. Well done Falling Skies! We’ll see you again next year!
Lake Placid 2 and Lake Placid 3 (Syfy, 7:00 PM EDT and 9:00 PM EDT)
Not worth a look. I’m mentioning them just to be thorough.
A Knight’s Tale (BBC America, 7:00 PM EDT)
A toast of grog to Heath Ledger, who left too soon. We miss ya Heath!
Assault on Precinct 13 (Cinemax, 6:45 PM EDT)
It’s the remake… which actually turns out to be rather awesome.
Max Payne (FXM, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
No awesome here, even with Marky Mark.
Rio (FX, 8:00 PM EDT and 10:00 PM EDT)
Cute, but a little too glib… especially for a movie about parrots.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose (IFC, 8:30 PM EDT)
Okay, there is officially only one movie that’s allowed to reference an exorcism in the title.
Independence Day (TNT, 6:30 PM EDT)
Who knew Randy Quaid would be even crazier in real life?