Attack of the Psychotelly (Mania.com)

By:Andrew Hershberger
Date: Monday, April 28, 2003

Greetings Cinescapers! Last week, I offered up dating tips and I must say that the responses have been overwhelming... all two of them. I'd like to give a hearty thanks to Ima Smelly and Ewestink Badly for writing and declaring their undying love and devotion. I can't wait for my check to clear so you can afford the stamps to send the "billion, trillion lipstick coated letters of love" you promised.

My heart awaits your "handwritten" replies, and to think they will cost me less than a cup of coffee a day if my coffee cost 17 dollars a cup.

Speaking of coffee, I have to confess this week's TV Wasteland was written without the aid of it, so please don't write in complaining that some of my ideas make sense. I'm still a Dadaist at heart and will promise to return to unimaginable levels of nonsense in the weeks to come. It's just that my guru/mechanic suggested I attempt to work on clarity before I delve deeper into the abstract.

That's about all the time I have for chit chat, so as they say in the movies, "let's get a move on it."

(Fans and fiends feel free to drop a comment or a complaint to feedback@cinescape.com.)

MONDAY, APRIL 28




Columbia's JUMANJI

STARGATE SG-1 (7 pm, SCI-FI) 1. A Planet's superintendent changes some of the gang into robots (Repeat). 2. Visit an alternate Earth tormented by the Goa'uld, Elliot Goa'uld (Repeat). 3. A politician puts the group under the hot lights (Repeat). 4. The crew discover the Goa'uld have nasty plans for Earth (Repeat). You'll need your own Stargate to catch the original airdates of this lot.

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (8 pm, NIK) Spongebob visits the zoo; swims with the seals; absorbs all their water. Chaos and parched seals ensue.

FIELD OF DREAMS (8 pm, ABC) If you build it, dead baseball players will come. Sounds like a case for CSI.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A serial killer with a nasty bite may be behind a woman's death. A murder is committed at a motel pool; swimming is postponed for one hour.

TUESDAY, APRIL 29



BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (8 pm, UPN) Faith goes out with the wannabe slayers and things are revealed. Caleb attacks Buffy and mockingly calls her Daphne.

SCOOBY-DOO (8 pm, TNN) The gang reunites to do what they do best, rake in the green off Generation X recognition.

SMALLVILLE (9 pm, WB) Clark gets beat up by hooligans carrying old copies of the Spin Doctor's POCKET FULL OF KRYPTONITE.

24 (9 pm, Fox) It's 4 a.m. and what are you doing to prove the Cyprus tape is a fake?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30



TREMORS: THE SERIES (8 pm, SCIFI) Mobsters show up in Perfection to hide out. Worm stomachs prove a bad choice.

SCOOBY DOO

ENTERPRISE (8 pm, UPN) Aliens who need a third party to mate meet up with the Enterprise crew. Where is Kirk when you need him most?

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) Daddy Angel has to defend his son from slanderous accusations that he was created to bring Jasmine the world.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (9 pm, UPN) 1. World's worst plastic surgery disasters. 2. Dead husband communicates with wife through photographs; she moves on to painting.

THURSDAY, MAY 1




ZENON: GIRL OF THE 21ST CENTURY (8 pm, WB) Future girl battles villains out to destroy her space station home. Spends rest of her time complaining to parents about awful name choice.

JACK (8 pm, FAM) Robin Williams plays a 10-year-old who ages prematurely in this bottom of the barrel offering from the director of THE GODFATHER.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A trainer is trampled to death by a horse. Horse pleads temporary insanity due to bad oats.

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) Jack Malone's team is interrogated by internal investigators. Try saying those last four words five times in a row fast.


FRIDAY, MAY 2



LETHAL WEAPON 4 (8 pm, UPN) I'm too old to watch this s...

Richard Dean Anderson leads the cast of STARGATE: SG-1 as Colonel Jack O'Neill

JUMANJI (8 pm, TBS) A magic board game releases a missing child and a bunch of CGI effects.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) A drug disposal trip is ambushed, leading to the CSI team being investigated by Internal Affairs. Bummer. (Repeat)


SATURDAY, MAY 3



JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO (8 pm, FAM) Tom Hanks plays a man suffering from "brain cloud" in this mildly amusing yarn that has a surprisingly large amount of admirers.

GLADIATOR (8 pm, ABC) Russell Crowe plays a gladiator who has problems looking people in the eyes; wins Oscar.

HUNTER (8 pm, ABC) Guy shoots horse and jockey before they can win a race. Glue factory only half happy.


SUNDAY, MAY 4



THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (8 pm, TNT) Picture perfect inmate uses a perfect picture to hide his perfect plan.

CSI: MIAMI

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) 1. Santa's Little Helper is made the new mascot for Duff Beer. Homer hits a new low when he tries to drink the dog. 2. Lisa's spelling bee win leads her to discover a horrifying secret spelling bees are not actually bees. (Repeat)

GHOST (8 pm, AMC) Patrick Swayze returns from the dead; his career does not.

ALIAS (9 pm, ABC) Sydney confronts her mom about her motives and her chocolate chip recipe.

That wraps up the week. So remember, if you want to see a favorite show listed in this column, do drop a line to feedback@cinescape.com. I will try to include it in future columns... honestly.

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column.