Dean Martin Kills Mick Jagger (

By:Andrew Hershberger
Date: Monday, May 10, 2004

Based on Actual Television Shows

Greetings Cinescapers! Last week we asked who would win in a fight, Mick Jagger or Dean Martin and let me tell you, it was no contest. Dean "Dino" Martin killed Mick Jagger. As they say in the funny papers, blood everywhere. So why not continue the fun and ask this week's celebrity deathmatch question, who would win in a fight: Dean Martin or Justin Timberlake?

It's important you write your answer to, there is too much at stake for you not to.

Regarding last weeks inquiry into the acting ability of one Hugh Grant, Cinescaper's consensus was, the man has got the goods. (a.k.a. he can act)

Now that the important stuff is out of the way, let me ask you this: how's life in a FRIEND-less world ?

We've got some TV programs that strike our fancy below. Why not give them the once over?


A WRINKLE IN TIME (8 pm, ABC) Some spirits help kids travel through time to find their


father. Inspired by Madeleine L'Engle's classic children's novel.

EVERWOOD (8 pm, WB) Ephram debates on turning down a chance to attend Julliard's summer program so he can spend the summer with Amy.

THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS (8 pm, NIK) Timmy wishes the whole world could be like his comic books ... his E.C. comic books. Soon Timmy's father is returning from the grave to kill his unfaithful wife, Timmy's mother, after she murders him to collect the insurance and move off with her true love, his brother.

CSI: MIAMI (10 pm, CBS) The team investigates the world of bodyguard's after a rapper's bodyguard is put in a body bag.


THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW REVISITED (9 pm, CBS) Rob and Sally, having squandered all their money paying for the medical bills related to Rob's stool tripping accidents, decide to take money to write a eulogy for somebody they are less then happy with.

24 (9 pm, FOX) "10 am 11 am" Jack uses Saunders' kid to prevent the terrorist from unleashing more of the virus.

NYPD BLUE (10 pm, ABC) When a woman is killed, who do the cops blame? Why her ex-husband of course.

THE SHIELD (10 pm, FX) Chief Aceveda finds himself in a situation that is nearly fatal.


SMALLVILLE (8 pm, WB) Clark wants to confess his secret to Lana so she can really think he's a freak.


Ricardo Montalban's Khan Noonien Singh from STAR TREK II - THE WRATH OF KHAN

Members of the Xindi council take credit for the spheres inhabiting the expanse.

ANGEL (9 pm, WB) Angel's fraternizing with an evil demon society doesn't go over well with the gang.

THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW: LET'S BUMP UP THE LIGHTS (10 pm, CBS) As if contemporary repeats weren't enough, this clip show features highlights from a program that's been of the air for over 20 years.


SPARTACUS (8 pm, AMC) A slave who tries to lead a revolt in ancient Rome becomes a martyr, but at what cost?

MRS. MINIVER (8 pm, TCM) The film that kept Abbott and Costello's PARDON MY SARONG from being the highest grossing film of 1942.

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (9 pm, CBS) A casino owner is suspected after two crocked gamblers are found dead. The casino owner says "What are you looking at me for? Why don't you go and find those two mobsters I hired to kill them."

WITHOUT A TRACE (10 pm, CBS) A girl believes she was abducted as a child so the team investigates. Talk about being ungrateful to your abductors.



(left to right) Gregory Smith, Katie Stuart and David Dorfman star in A WRINKLE IN TIME.

Back-to-back Ray Harryhausen flicks. A must watch for fans of stop motion animation.

JOAN OF ARCADIA (8 pm, CBS) Joan wonders if God is suggesting she should have sex with Adam. The network producers, acting on behalf of God, tell her that indeed that is what God wants.

REBA (8 pm, WB) Barbra Jean wants another baby, so, naturally, she uses Reba to help break the news to her husband. Then in a typical sitcom misunderstanding Barbra becomes convinced that Reba and Brock are having an affair. Funny stuff. (Note this episode if followed by three repeats, making this a two-hour evening of REBA.)

STARGATE SG-1 (9 pm, SCI-FI) 1) A member of the team is killed. 2) Some unstoppable Goa'uld soldiers must be stopped. 3) Third verse same as the first. (Repeats)


REVENGE OF THE PINK PANTHER (4 pm, TCM) Inspector Clouseau tracks a drug dealer in one of the series weaker offerings.

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE (8 pm, ABC) ABC tries to score some ratings points off the successful film franchise by repeating the first film again, and create additional public awareness of the upcoming sequel.

STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK (8 pm, AMC) Kirk and Bones search for, get this, Spock; who'd of thunk it.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (11:30, NBC) Almost legal teen queens Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson host the show this week with musical guest J-Kwon.


HELTER SKELTER (8 pm, CBS) Charlie Manson and the gang do some killing.

THE SIMPSONS (8 pm, FOX) Bart moons the US flag, resulting the entire Simpsons' clan being incarcerated.

CHARMED (8 pm, WB) Gideon sends Chris and Leo to an alternate world where evil reigns supreme.


Archer makes a plea for saving Earth to Xindi leaders in "The Council".

updated to include Kirk, Spock and the rest of the Enterprise gang.

And so the story ends, but rest assured children the little munchkin brained reviewer's antics still continued. If only in a far away land where the walls were rubber and his jackets were straight.

BTW if you're an ENTERPRISE fan the folks at are singing the show quite a few bits of praise. Go over and check out their "Daily Column."

Oh and if you'd like to send a letter my way the address is

TV Wasteland is our weekly Television column. All names have been changed to protect the innocent.